Fearing Marlene's threat, Sirius had gone ahead and owled his therapist, requesting to schedule an emergency session. She had replied promptly, and he had an appointment the following day at 9am.
"How are you feeling, Sirius?"
Sirius looked up, surprised by his therapist, Amelia Goodale's sudden question. They had been sitting in silence for nearly fifteen minutes, as he had come in and chosen to stare at the floor at the beginning of his session. He shrugged, exhaling deeply.
Amelia watched him silently, taking a sip of her tea. "You owled me yesterday afternoon saying that you needed to make an emergency appointment. What happened that prompted that?" she asked, offering Sirius her warm, sunny smile that he found positively infuriating.
"My stupid friends forced me to," he muttered, crossing his arms, returning his gaze to the floor.
Amelia tilted her head slightly, waiting for him to elaborate.
"I was thinking about killing myself, okay? I told Remus, and he told the others... I didn't try anything! I just... I don't know... They were scared so they made me make an appointment," he said finally, his eyes still staring at the floor.
Amelia placed her tea cup back on its saucer, the clink of china the only sound in the otherwise silent room. "Sirius, I'm going to ask you a series of questions, okay?" she asked, her voice even, as she removed a parchment from from a drawer in her desk.
Sirius shrugged in response, hugging himself. He felt uneasy, instantly regretting telling her the truth.
"Have you wished you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up?"
"No." Yes.
"Have you actually had any thoughts of killing yourself?"
"Yes."
"Have you been thinking about how you might kill yourself?" Amelia asked, writing something down on the parchment before her.
"No." Yes.
"Have you had these thoughts and had some intention of acting on them?"
"No." Yes.
"Have you ever done anything, started to do anything, or prepared to do anything to end your life?"
Sirius rolled his eyes, scoffing. "No." Yes.
"Why were you thinking about killing yourself, Sirius?" Amelia asked, eyeing him suspiciously.
Sirius shrugged. "I don't know... It was stupid. I wasn't thinking straight, I hadn't slept in almost a week. I wasn't in a right state of mind," he replied.
"Would you say that you're depressed?" she questioned, raising her cup from its saucer, taking a small sip.
Sirius shrugged, remaining silent. "I guess. My life is shit."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because it is! There's not one thing in particular that makes everything feel so hard; it's a million little things. I have to go to stupid therapy and see Healer Perkins every two weeks. My friends think I'm mental and hover over me like I'm this fragile doll that could break any second. I can't become an Auror because I was hospitalized for my eating disorder. My not-girlfriend won't respond to my letters, and she's fucking her ex. Who is married to my cousin. I think I might fancy blokes. I just... It's too much!" he shouted, his face turning red from the effort.
Amelia stared politely at him, waiting for him to continue.
"I kissed Remus... Well, he kissed me first, then I kissed him again. The other night."
"Do you fancy Remus?" Amelia asked.
Sirius felt his cheeks flushing. "I think I might..." he said quietly, his eyes glued to the floor.
"You're unsure of your sexuality," Amelia said evenly, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't know," Sirius replied sullenly, running his fingers through his long black locks. "I like girls, well enough. I've slept with plenty of them, and it feels good, being with a girl. I'm attracted to Evelyn. But I've had thoughts about Remus that make me feel... That's not possible, is it? To like birds and blokes?" he asked, finally looking up, making eye contact with his therapist.
"Bi-sexuality is certainly a real thing, Sirius. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to both men and women."
"But he's my best mate... Even if I did want him, and by some chance he wanted me, I couldn't... James would kill me..." he trailed off, sighing.
"I think that James wouldn't care, one way or the other. From what you have said, he seems like a very good friend. I'm sure that he only wants for you to be happy and healthy, Sirius," Amelia replied, beginning to scribble furiously on a pad of paper.
"Whatever," he scoffed, crossing his arms.
"Sirius," Amelia said suddenly, breaking the silence.
"What?" he asked, scowling.
"Healer Perkins, your nutritionist, and I have spoken, and we collectively agree that it would be beneficial for you to receive more intensive treatment," she said slowly, offering him her annoying sunny smile.
"I don't know how many times I have to tell you people, I am not going to inpatient," he spat, jumping to his feet. He grabbed onto the back of the chair, steadying himself, as he felt his vision go black.
"Look at yourself, Sirius. You nearly just passed out, just from standing. Your health and mental status has been steadily declining... This is far beyond just a slip up or even a relapse; you are deep in the throes of anorexia, Sirius, and you need to be hospitalized before you do permanent damage to your body. Or kill yourself."
"I'm not bloody suicidal. I'm not sick! I'm fucking fine! Why don't you all leave me the fuck alone?" Sirius screamed, slamming his fist on the therapist's desk.
"Sirius, we're concerned for you. Your friends, the people who love you, fear for your safety and well-being. Please, calm down-"
"No. I won't calm down. I don't need this. I'm done. Therapy is bullshit and you aren't helping me, so I'm done. I won't be back, Amelia," he spat, reaching across the desk, grabbing his file from the therapist's hands.
"Incendio," he muttered, and with a flick of his wrist, he set the file ablaze.
Sirius smirked triumphantly as a small pile of ash fell onto the therapist's desk. "You and your entire profession are a pathetic joke. You make me sick."
"Sirius... You admitted to having suicidal thoughts... I could report you, have you admitted to St. Mungo's..." Amelia started, her voice shaky.
Sirius smirked, noting the fear in the woman's eyes. "Go ahead and try. Do you have any idea who I am? I'm Sirius Orion Black. People like me matter, whereas people like you don't. Save your empty threats for someone who gives a fuck," he scoffed, exhibiting for the therapist his infamous Black scowl.
As he turned on his heel to leave, he paused. "You may as well let the nutritionist, and Perkins for that matter, know that I won't be back, as well. I'm done."
Angrily, Sirius stormed out of the therapist's office, stalking off towards the town proper. He lit a cigarette, glancing around the near-empty streets. As it was still early in the morning, the village was quiet. He thought about stopping into the Three Broomsticks, but decided against it. I need somewhere darker, more suitable, he thought miserably, flicking his cigarette and frowning. He began walking down the street again, stopping when the sign for the Hog's Head caught his eye. This will suit me just fine, he decided, proceeding to enter the establishment.
The Hog's Head was a far cry from the bright, cheerful atmosphere of the Three Broomsticks; rather, it was a small dingy pub filled with a handful of rather shady looking characters. Keeping his head hung low, he seated himself at the end of the bar closest to the door, muttering to the barkeep to get him a double firewhiskey, and to keep them coming. He downed his first drink in two gulps, wincing slightly as the burning alcohol hit his irritated throat. He flung a hand in the air carelessly, signaling the barkeep to refresh his drink. This pattern continued for some time, until at last Sirius' eyes began to glaze over, the effect of the drink finally setting in.
Blearily, Sirius turned his head towards the opposite end of the bar, taking notice of a young woman staring distraught into a filthy martini glass. Evelyn, he thought, recognizing the familiar blonde hair and blue eyes. Careful to keep his balance, he stood up from his barstool, staring down at his feet to insure he didn't stumble as he made his way towards her.
"Hello, beautiful," a familiar voice whispered, breath hot on Evelyn's ear.
"Sirius," she said softly, turning her head. "What are you doing here?"
"I could easily ask you the same thing," Sirius replied, leaning forward, kissing her softly on the nape of her neck.
"London was getting dull," she shrugged, her coat sliding loosely off of her shoulders.
"Shouldn't you be at school, now? NEWTS are only a few months away," she continued, staring back down into her glass.
"I had therapy," Sirius replied simply, taking a seat beside her.
He motioned to the bartender, requesting another double whiskey. Evelyn brought her glass to her lips, draining the contents. "Another, please," she requested primly, shoving the glass forward on the bar.
"I'm guessing that didn't go so well," she noted, turning to Sirius.
"Hardly," he replied, rolling his eyes. "She asked me all these stupid questions about being suicidal."
"Well... You are, aren't you?"
"What'd you just say?" Sirius asked sharply, his eyes burning with rage.
"That's what James and your other little friends said," she noted, shrugging. "James owled me Sunday morning, requesting a meeting. Said you were suicidal."
Sirius sighed loudly, squeezing the bridge of his nose. "What did they say to you?"
"I'm sorry about Lucius, Siri. Really. I didn't... I'm sorry if I hurt you," she said quietly, taking a sip of her freshened drink.
"It's fine," Sirius retorted, draining his drink in one gulp. "That's just who you are."
He grabbed Evelyn's arm, tugging her slightly. "You want to get out of here?" he asked, pointedly.
Evelyn grabbed her glass, tilting her head back to finish the remainder of her martini in one gulp. "Sure," she agreed, letting Sirius half-lead, half-drag her out of the pub.
As the pair turned the corner towards a back alley, Evelyn found herself shoved against a brick wall by Sirius. Before she had a chance to react, she felt Sirius' hands gripping her wrists, his lips pressed to hers. He kissed her roughly, his tongue forcing its way between her lips, leaving Evelyn no choice but to oblige. Sirius let go of one wrist, his free hand beginning to fumble with her coat, unbuttoning it. Evelyn squirmed, trying to pull away from Sirius' reach. "Siri, not here," she said hoarsely, turning her head, breaking the kiss.
"What, are you too good for fucking in alleyways, now?" he asked, the familiar gleam of anger in his eyes.
"I have a room over at the Three Broomsticks. We can go there," she offered, re-buttoning her coat.
"Fine," he agreed, grabbing her arm and pulling her along with him, back towards the main road.
Upon arrival at Evelyn's room, Sirius tore off his cloak, tossing it to the floor, as he kicked off his shoes. Carefully, Evelyn removed her coat, stepping out of her flats. Sirius grabbed her by the waist, pulling her into an embrace, kissing her. "Mmmm, Siri," she cooed, entwining her fingers in his hair.
Roughly, Sirius shoved her onto the bed, hovering over her as she lay flat on her back. Sirius kissed her softly on the lips, before unbuckling his belt. "Take off your knickers and turn around," he instructed, nodding towards her.
Eagerly, Evelyn obliged, tossing her underwear to the side. "Should I get undressed?" she asked, a single eyebrow raised.
"No need, just turn around. I want you from behind," he replied, kicking off his trousers and boxers, leaving him in only his button down, his school tie tied loosely around his neck.
Swiftly, Sirius entered her, grabbing Evelyn by the throat as he pumped into her.
"Ohhh, Sirius," she moaned, clawing at the bedding, as Sirius continued his steady rhythm of thrusts.
"Shut. The. Fuck. Up," he yelled, punctuating each word with a powerful thrust, his fingers entwining her silky hair.
Once finished, Sirius pulled himself out of her, lying beside her on the bed.
"So how is Lucius?" he asked suddenly.
Evelyn rolled onto her side, a shocked expression on her face. "Siri... I..."
"You're fucking him. I know. It's fine. You're still in love with him, it's fine. I get that. I don't care," Sirius said harshly, laughing.
"It's not that I don't care about you, Siri... It's complicated," Evelyn said, biting her lip.
"I think I like blokes," he said suddenly, staring straight up at the ceiling.
"I know," Evelyn replied, shrugging.
Sirius sat up suddenly, turning to face her. "What do you mean by that?" he asked.
"I just kind of always had the feeling that you... Fancied blokes," she replied, sitting up as well.
"Why?"
"Well... Considering the type of girls you've shagged, namely me, it's quite apparent that you're not big on tits and ass," she told him, shaking her head.
"I'm not gay," he said quietly, his eyes suddenly pooling with moisture.
"So you're bi... AC-DC... Swing both ways. It's not a big deal," Evelyn assured him, placing a hand on his knee.
Sirius bit his lip, remaining silent. "It's hard for you to face because of how you were raised, how we were raised, isn't it?" she asked, realizing the underlying issue with Sirius' realization.
"Even though you didn't buy into the pure-blood mania, you still have it ingrained in you that being queer is wrong, unacceptable," she continued, peering at Sirius, who's head was now hanging down, his long hair covering his face.
"Siri," she said softly, brushing hair from out of his eyes, pulling his head up to face her. "Oh honey, don't cry, it's okay," she said soothingly, wiping his tears with her fingers.
"Like it isn't already hard enough. It's not like a game when there's actually feelings behind it. It was one thing to be able to write off those feelings as teenage rebellion against Mum and Da, but now... I really like him, Evie. Why do I have to be so fucked up? Why can't I just be normal?" he asked, sobbing.
"You fancy your mate Remus, don't you?" Evelyn asked, stroking Sirius' hair.
"How'd you know?"
"It's okay to fancy him, Siri. He's obviously bent. And crazy for you. How could he not be? You're perfect," she told him, offering Sirius a tiny smile.
"I can't help but feel like I'm tainted. Like I'm sick."
"You are sick, Siri. But not because you fancy blokes. You're not doing well, are you?" she asked, patting his hand lightly.
"No," he agreed, his lower lip wavering, a fresh set of tears threatening to wash over him, at a moment's notice.
"You need to try harder, Sirius. There's still hope for you."
"You're okay, though, and you won't stop," he argued, turning to face her.
"I'm not, though, Siri. Why do you think I'm shacked up in a disgusting inn?"
"Too sloshed to apparate home?" Sirius asked.
Evelyn rolled her eyes, frowning. "I've been avoiding going home because my parents are trying to force me to go to some muggle hospital."
"Wh-why would they do that?"
"They're desperate. Perkins stopped treating me back in January... They fail to recognize that I don't mind the horror that surrounds me. I know I'm too far in to ever get better. I'm just waiting to die, at this point," she continued, shrugging.
Sirius grabbed her hand, squeezing it. "Marry me."
"Sirius, what are you talking about? We're just... We... No..." she trailed off, staring at Sirius, perplexed.
"I mean fuck it, why not, Evie? Like you said before... It'd make things right for everyone. I could get my inheritance. I could have a normal life, having a wife and all... I'm so tired of fighting everything, Evie. Sometimes it feels better to just give in."
"Sirius, that's not what you want... You hate your family. You despise everything they stand for. This isn't what you want for yourself," Evelyn replied, standing up.
"Who am I even kidding, Evie? I'm a Black. I'm tired of fighting the darkness inside me, tired of struggling against it as it consumes me. Why fight fate?" he asked, a desperate look in his eyes.
"I don't want it to be like this Sirius... I don't want to be your wife, just because you're tired of fighting. I don't want it to be you settling for me."
"Oh come on, it's not like you'd make out badly in the deal. Your parents will be happy and off your back. You can do as you please. You'll have all the money you could ever want for, a home of your own. You'll have me. I know I'm not Lucius, not the man you actually want, but hey, this is us both settling, and I think it's a pretty fair deal," Sirius said sharply, glaring at her.
"You're not thinking clearly, Sirius," Evelyn noted, staring at him. "You're starving yourself, you're not sleeping, you're suicidal... This sudden decision to just give up, to reclaim your 'birthright' isn't you. It's just you panicking and running away from what the real problem is."
"And what is that problem?" he sneered, standing as well, taking a menacing step towards her.
"You're sick, sicker than you've been in a long, long time. You're in crisis mode, Sirius. And if you don't get help, and start focusing on getting better, this will kill you. This is you denying that you're in too deep and need help."
Sirius stared sharply at her for a moment, his facial expression unreadable. "Don't tell me what this is."