If It Meant Living - Chapter 36
"Missiles and Missives"
Author's Note: This is an expansion of the one-shot If It Meant Living. The title comes from one of Graceyn Shepard's core characteristics: "she was never afraid to risk dying if it meant living in the process." The focus is on perspective and character development rather than following the specific events, so even if you have played ME 1-2 many times, you should be entertained.
54 days since Resurrection || 1 months, 11 days until activation of Omega 4 Relay
The Prothean vision crashed over her –
– Blood. Death. Entire planets of nothing but blood and death. Synthetics everywhere, impossibly vast in size and number. Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming. Screams, words that were oh so clearly pleas for help. Devastation. Ruin. In every direction, planet after planet, system after system. More planets; more systems; more synthetics. Warning. Warning. Warning. The Reapers are coming. Impossibly more devastation, ruin. It would surely never end –
Mercifully, her world went black.
…"Dr. Chakwas, I think she's waking up."
She opened her eyes to the Med Lab ceiling. She blinked a few times to clear her vision. As she started to sit up, Dr. Chakwas appeared at her side.
"Commander, are you alright?"
She grimaced. "I feel like I've been run over by a transport ship, but…yeah, I think I'm okay. How long have I been out?"
"About fifteen hours. You had us worried for a while there."
Kaidan spoke up. "You lost consciousness when the beacon exploded. I had to carry you back to the ship."
She looked over at him and made a poor effort at a smile. "Thank you, I appreciate that."
A smile slowly crept up his lips. "Anytime, ma'am. I'm just glad I was there to help you." Then he blinked and his face resumed a professional façade. "I'll, um, go let the Captain know you're awake."
After he left, Chakwas turned back to her. "He barely left your side while you were out, you know."
She stared at the recently-closed doors to the Med Lab, a curious expression on her face. "Is that so…"
She opened her eyes to Garrus' scarred face hovering over hers. The concrete floor was hard against her back. She blinked a few times to clear her vision.
"Shepard, are you alright?"
She pulled herself to a sitting position and ran a hand roughly down her face, staring up at the Prothean artifact hovering in front of her. "I wasn't expecting that, but…yeah, I think I'm okay. How long have I been out?"
Garrus remained crouched down next to her. "Only thirty seconds or so. Prothean?"
She nodded. "In living color."
"Anything…new?"
"No, same old same old. Innumerable Reapers, streets turned to rivers of blood, planets decimated. Warning, the Reapers are coming!" She shifted slightly and moved to stand up, muttering as an aside, "Thanks, but I did already know that…"
Thane extended a hand to her, which she gratefully accepted. He was along on this mission to investigate an archaeological dig site so soon after she recruited him because he was…interesting. She needed a chance to figure him out. But thanks to the Protheans rampaging through her brain, that was going to have to wait a while longer.
She tried to smile, but it came out more of a grimace. "Thank you."
She looked around at the dig setup and frowned. "What would the Blue Suns want with a Prothean artifact?"
Thane answered. "I suspect their interest is purely financial; my experience with them does not indicate much inclination for scientific pursuits."
Garrus nodded. "That's true enough. Were they really in charge of this site though?"
She reached down and picked up the dropped datapad, lost when the vision had struck her, and scanned it for a moment. "No, they were just stealing it from…fucking ExoGeni…"
Garrus' eyes narrowed. "ExoGeni…wasn't that the group behind the Feros colonization? The one that used the colonists as lab rats for the Thorian's mind control?"
"One and the same. They also lost their entire science team on Nodacrux to ostensibly docile, obedient creepers." She sighed – ExoGeni occasionally gave Cerberus a run for their money in the "amoral evil" department. In fact, it wouldn't surprise her in the slightest if they were in business together. "The only thing worse than Blue Suns getting their hands on a Prothean artifact is ExoGeni getting their hands on one."
She pinched the bridge of her nose and glanced over at Garrus. "Did I ever mention that Prothean visions suck?"
He responded dryly. "Once or twice, I think."
After a minute she looked back down at the datapad. "Looks like the Blue Suns were planning to ship all this out of here…" She activated her comm. "EDI, do you have any information on a ship by the name of MSV Strontium Mule?"
"Yes. Its last known location is in a nearby system…Shepard, current scans indicate it is damaged and adrift. We can be at its location in 3.28 hours."
"Thank you, EDI. We'll be back aboard shortly, then let's rendezvous with it."
Garrus looked at her with concern. "Shepard, maybe you should take it easy for a while, even see Dr. Chakwas?"
She shook her head. "I'm fine. They may have removed other Prothean artifacts before we arrived, and the last thing we need is the Blue Suns releasing artifacts into the black market. They're too dangerous." She looked around one last time then nodded. "Let's go."
Thane fell in beside her as they headed out. "If I may ask, what is this Prothean vision?"
"The Protheans used beacons as galaxy-wide communications devices. After the Reapers attacked, a group of scientists sent out a message across the network, hoping to warn anyone not already under attack of the threat." She sighed. "But the message was designed for Prothean minds, not human ones – definitely not human ones. So receiving one is a bit of a…jarring…experience."
He looked at her quizzically. "If it was intended for Protheans, how is it that you understand it?"
She grinned at that. "Oh, I have a translation key in my head."
"Of course," he murmured before quickening his pace.
She shook her head at his back. What a peculiar man…
She hung back as they went to the shuttle, so neither Garrus nor Thane saw her rubbing her temples wearily.
As they buckled in, Thane looked over at her. "The message no longer serves any purpose though, right? You stopped the Reapers two years ago."
She smiled grimly. "I suspect I only delayed them. Hopefully significantly delayed them."
He nodded slowly. "Interesting…"
No, it wasn't interesting at all. As she had so rudely been reminded mere moments ago, it was galactic genocide. The destruction of everything. And sooner or later, it would come for them all.
Occasionally she forgot that with the exception of Garrus and Tali – and Miranda, who had spent two years studying her in excruciating detail, the members of her team were largely ignorant of what had happened – what had really happened – when she had chased Saren across the galaxy and back again. She gazed at Thane out of the corner of her eye and wondered how much he wanted, and how much he needed, to know. But the shuttle ride was entirely too short to answer the question.
As soon as they stepped off the shuttle and onto the Normandy, Garrus grabbed her by the arm and started marching towards to the Med Lab. She protested, but it was a weak protest.
"Garrus, I said I was fine…"
"Just let Chakwas take a look at you. You've got three hours before we get to that ship; what were you really going to do with that time anyway?"
"Nap…" she grumbled.
"Excellent – you can nap in the Med Lab then."
She narrowed her eyes at the side of his head…but she didn't fight him.
Dr. Chakwas looked up from her computer when they walked in. She quickly noticed Garrus' hand on Shepard's arm and stood up. "Is everything okay?"
"The Commander got a fresh dose of Prothean messages and passed out for about thirty seconds. She – "
"I'm fine."
He glared at her. "She says she fine, but I thought you should check her over."
Chakwas frowned. "You thought correctly. Thank you, Garrus."
He nodded, finally let go of her arm, and left the Med Lab. She glared with as much intensity as she could muster at his back as he left.
Chakwas turned her attention to Shepard.
"I'm fine."
"Commander, this is the first time you've been exposed to Prothean communications since you…since you've been back. The effects could be unpredictable. Also, if I recall correctly, the last several times you had similar encounters you didn't lose consciousness."
Shepard climbed onto the nearby cot and folded her feet underneath her. "I think I just wasn't prepared for it this time. The Cipher, Virmire…I knew what was going to happen, I could…get ready for it. This time – this wasn't a beacon, it was some other type of artifact. It must have captured a recording of the message somehow. But I wasn't expecting it." She smiled lightly. "And hey – it wasn't fifteen hours; just thirty little seconds."
Chakwas studied her intently, then finally nodded slowly. "That all seems logical. Still, better to be safe. Lie down."
By the time Chakwas finished running all her tests and grudgingly allowed Shepard to leave the Med Lab, they were approaching the MSV Strontium Mule. She went straight from the Med Lab back to the Command Center to get ready. She had alerted Samara and Miranda to get prepped while Chakwas was poking and prodding her, and they were already geared and ready when she arrived.
The Normandy would be docking directly with the Strontium Mule. It was a delicate maneuver; she could hear Joker chuckling with delight as he executed it.
"Don't even try to claim you could do any better, EDI!"
"As we have repeatedly discussed, Mr. Moreau, I am not intending on taking over your piloting duties."
"Damn straight you're not."
Shepard smiled to herself but then shouted in the direction of the cockpit. "Joker, get over yourself and open the doors already!"
Ship raids were great for biotics – close quarters, nowhere to run, lots of walls to be thrown against. She let Samara and Miranda wreak havoc on the mercs that had invaded the ship. She hoped that, per her plan, with all the mass effect fields bouncing around they wouldn't notice her rather weak contribution to the effort.
Three decks and a metric shit-ton of Blue Suns mercs later, she crouched behind a crate in the cargo hold, closed one eye, and sighted down the sniper rifle on the head of the well-armored merc guarding the "payload" everyone seemed to be so excited about. She started to pull the trigger when her vision blurred in and out of focus; her head swam. Fucking Protheans and their fucking message. She blinked twice to clear her vision then pulled the trigger.
Moments later she stood over the contents of the payload and sighed. Implants, tech upgrades, omni-tool mod chips…
Miranda shrugged. "Well, we can probably use some of it…"
She nodded. "Let's pack it up. Still…looks like this was mostly a wild goose chase; sorry about that."
Samara gazed at her stoically. "These men surely deserved to be brought to justice; that is always a worthy endeavor."
Shepard looked around at the bodies littering the floor. "Justice" might not be the precise word she would have chosen…but it would suffice.
She and Miranda lugged their bounty from the Strontium Mule onto the Normandy and straight to Mordin's research lab. He glanced up briefly as they entered. "Shepard, Miranda, can I help you?"
"Donations to the cause, courtesy of the Blue Suns."
"Good for them. Put it in the corner, will look at it later."
They dropped the container against the wall, then she turned to Miranda. "Thanks for the help. I'm going to…try to get some work done upstairs."
"Of course, Shepard. Maybe I will see you later at dinner."
She put up her armor and weapons, then dragged herself to her quarters and prepared to crash face-first onto the bed. It was the middle of the afternoon, but she really didn't care. She knew that sleep would only bring a replay of the vision, but she really didn't care. She was pulling her boots off when EDI interrupted.
"Shepard, I'm receiving a distress call from a human colony on the nearby planet of Watson. It appears their lunar defense system has been taken over by Batarian mercenaries, who have launched two Javelin missiles at the colony. Impact is likely to result in total destruction of the colony."
She groaned. "Get us there, EDI. Tell Garrus and Miranda to suit up."
"Understood, Commander."
She took a last, longing look at the bed then turned and headed back out the door.
She hurried back into her armor, again, grabbed her weapons on the run, and met Miranda and Garrus at the shuttle just as they entered orbit around Watson's moon.
There was no time to attempt a stealth approach; the shuttle landed directly next to the security center on the lunar defense base.
The building was filled with Batarian mercs. They had just cleared the first room when EDI transmitted the estimated time remaining to prevent the missiles from striking the colony.
Shepard stared in disbelief at the blinking numbers on her omni-tool: 4:58
"Not again…" She ran through the door.
She threw herself against the wall across from Garrus, then glanced over at him. "You remember the MSV Broken Arrow about a month ago?"
He grunted as he fired a shot and a merc fell. "Not going to forget that one anytime soon, Shepard."
"Want to do it again?"
"No."
"Too bad." She held up her omni-tool for him to see. 4:46
His eyes widened briefly, then focused. "Never dull around you…" He took off across the room.
Four minutes later she stood in front of the main control panel. "EDI, how do I deactivate the missiles? And quickly, please!"
"Shepard, I'm afraid the attackers were able to destroy one of the kill switches before you reached them. You will only be able to stop one of the missiles. The first missile is targeted at the colony's industrial district; a direct hit will decimate the infrastructure of the colony, likely rendering it no longer viable; based on the time of day it is also likely to cause several hundred casualties. The second missile is targeted at a residential area where the majority of the colonists reside; a direct hit will almost certainly result in thousands of casualties."
Many of the choices she had to make were hard ones. This one was easy. Somehow, that didn't really help.
She activated the kill switch and directed it at the missile headed for the residential area, then stared at the dual monitors in front of her. A few seconds later the feed from the industrial district cut to static. It was the hard, cold calculus of her life. More lives saved was always better. The purpose didn't matter – it always came down to the math.
She opened her comm, eyes still locked on the static screen. "Joker, notify the Alliance that a Batarian missile has struck the industrial district on Watson and request the nearest ships to begin rescue operations."
"Will do, Commander…you saved the residential area then?"
"I had to make a choice, Joker. I chose to save the most lives."
"I – of course, Commander."
She cut the link, closed her eyes, then slammed her fist into the control panel; sparks shot off all around her.
Miranda jerked around in surprise, frowning at her. "Shepard…you did a good thing here; all the lives you saved…"
She spun on Miranda. "I know that. It's just…I don't understand! I don't understand why someone is always insisting on trying to murder thousands of innocents – I don't understand what drives people to such evil acts, I don't understand how they justify it, I don't understand how it gives them pleasure to destroy things, to destroy lives. I keep stopping them, but they just keep on trying. How many people around the galaxy died today to mercenaries, to slavers? Hundreds just died right here, right now. I swear, it makes me wonder what I'm doing all this for…I'll never be able to stop them. They'll just try again tomorrow, somewhere else. And I won't be there. I am so. fucking. sick. of it!"
She turned to storm off but Miranda grabbed her arm. "You do it for each one of the thousands of people you saved just now. They don't care what may happen on some far off planet tomorrow; they only care that you saved them today."
Shepard closed her eyes tightly and hung her head. "I know," she whispered.
They checked for any remaining mercs, found and killed two, then returned to the shuttle. The mood was somber on the ride back. When they exited into the Normandy's cargo hold, she turned to Garrus and Miranda.
"Nice work today…it's good we were able to get there in time. Thank you." She didn't wait for a response; she just turned and walked wearily to the elevator, stripping her armor off as she went, dropping it to the floor for some ensign or other to pick up later.
Two minutes later she stood in the shower and let the scalding water cascade over her. She turned her face upwards, welcoming the heat, just on the edge of burning. Burn me back to life, please.
After a minute she ran her fingers through her hair. Get a grip, Shepard.
Keeping the melodrama at bay wasn't always easy. Not since coming back from the grave. Not on days like today. She tried; god how she tried to keep her head screwed on straight. Most of the time, most of the days, she succeeded in staying more or less grounded, practical, focused on her goal and the path to achieve it. But it wasn't always easy. Not on days like today.
She hadn't meant what she said to Miranda; not really. She wasn't the savior of the galaxy – well, she kind of was, but she wasn't responsible for saving every life, every day. She had never claimed to be; not really. Most days she was a realist. She could only do what she could do – and it was far more than most. She couldn't become obsessed with righting every wrong, with savings dozens or even hundreds – not when she had to save billions.
It was just that occasionally the evil that existed in the universe really pissed her off.
She laughed aloud, the spell broken.
Feeling better, she quickly finished showering and pulled on shorts and her favorite Academy t-shirt – well, the new replacement for her faded, worn Academy t-shirt that she had owned from the time she graduated until it burned up over Alchera. She sat down at the desk and opened the terminal. The bed beckoned to her, again, but it would have to wait a little longer; she had work to do.
Her eyes flew immediately to it. "Re: Re: About Horizon…" She should laugh at the increasing absurdity of the title. She didn't.
She had sent the reply almost two weeks ago; she had quietly given up on a response. She had told him not to send one, after all – and among the many things Kaidan Alenko was very good at was following orders. Though seeing as she was no longer his commanding officer, it was really more of a suggestion…
It was only in the lonely depths of the night that she had desperately hoped for one.
She steeled herself – preparing for rejection, for platitudes…for goodbyes – then opened the message. His familiar voice filled the room once again; she closed her eyes.
"Shepard…"
"Forget everything I said before, none of it matters. I love you."
– the last was a whisper…but then, stronger, passionate –
" I love you."
– a pause, the silence broken only by his breathing –
"Do what you have to do…but live, and come back to me."
She breathed out slowly then opened her eyes.
I love you.
She replayed the message.
I love you.
She looked over at his picture.
I love you.
She laughed with joy as tears gently rolled down her cheeks. She felt as though a crushing weight – one she hadn't even realized was there – had just been lifted. She was fairly certain that if given the opportunity, she would be able to fly. So this is what it feels like…
After a minute she hit "Reply" and typed out a quick response.
I will.
I promise.
They could call it a suicide mission if they liked. She would find a way to survive. To live.
For herself. For her father. For Kaidan.