Instead she felt, Glinda realized, how Elphaba must so often feel.

She felt used.

--

Chapter Thirty-Five:

"You were right," Glinda whispered as she stood listless on the great balcony of the palace. The wind teased her curls, blew them flat, but she cared little for such trivial things as her hair now. "The people were afraid of her."

Guards and servants were quick to spread rumours and it took only a few days for the knowledge of Liir's green-skinned daughter to bring about the anger, fear, and destruction of the people. Liir had only tried to leave the Emerald City but the people had not allowed such a thing. Glinda was furious. Glinda was disturbed. Glinda wanted the people responsible to be arrested and charged but she knew that that would never happen. After all, how could one arrest nearly half the Emerald City?

Fiyero handed her a glass of wine, she took it without comment. "She was just a child," she muttered.

"She was green."

"Do you think Elphie would have been able to stop them, if she had been there?"

Fiyero shrugged. "The question you should be asking is do you think she'd care enough to save her?"

"I think so."

"Then that's your answer."

"She was just a child."

"The people feared what she may become. Prejudice his hard to shake. To them Elphaba is still the shadow of the Wicked Witch, they feared she would become the same. Fear does horrible things to good people."

"Sometimes this world sickens me."

"It is the nature of man to hurt those below them. Since the beginning of time we have eaten animals to survive. Now we have simply progressed to hurting each other. It is not right but it is the way it is."

Glinda took a sip from her glass. "What will we do with Liir now?" she asked. "He is devastated."

"As he well should be. He has lost his daughter."

"She was murdered before his eyes. He's a wreck."

"I told him that he can stay as long as he needs to and that, if he wishes, we will fund a funeral for her."

"Do you think there's a family factor to suicide?"

"He is not Elphaba," Fiyero said; recognizing what Glinda was implying. He took a gulp from the glass of whiskey he held. "He will not kill himself."

"Grief is a strong emotion, hard to overcome."

"All emotions are strong, all emotions are hard to overcome."

"I still think we should keep an eye on him."

"I'll inform the guards to do such a thing."

"Good."

They stood together upon the balcony; sipping their respective drinks in silence. "Did you see her body afterwards?" Glinda asked; genuinely curious.

"Yes, didn't you?"

"Not until after the doctors had her cleaned up. Was it bad?"

"I'm glad you didn't see it."

"So it was bad?"

"She was beaten to death, of course it was bad."

Glinda let out a heavy sigh. "Have the doctors said anything about Mirelle's condition?"

"No change." Fiyero looked at Glinda then. "You didn't ask about Elphaba," he observed. "Do you think that –"

"Don't!" Glinda snapped out. She didn't want to hear from someone else what was so very obvious – that she had lost her hope for her green friend. "She'll get better," Glinda muttered as she stared at the wine in her glass. "They both will. They have to!"

"Believing it isn't going to make it come true."

"I can try!"

"You're living in a fantasy world where everything has a happy ending. That isn't the real world. That isn't what this is!" Fiyero swept his arm out in front of him, emphasizing the Emerald City around them and the world he meant. "This isn't going to end how you want it to! Liir is devastated! His daughter has been murdered! Mirelle is unconscious! Elphaba shot herself in the head! We are broken! And I am falling apart!" His voice broke at the end of his torrent of words and Glinda stared at him in shock.

Fiyero set his glass on the balcony railing and turned so his back faced Glinda. He brushed suspiciously at his eyes and Glinda found that she did not know what to say or do. She took a rather large sip of her wine before setting it down besides Fiyero glass and approaching him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his back, just near his shoulder bone, as she was not tall enough, even with her heals on, to reach his actual shoulder.

"It's okay to feel a little broken sometimes," she whispered as she held him close. "How many times have you held me tight as I cried about my mother? About that night that Elphie molested me? About the wrongs I have committed to those beneath me in this tangled mess of politics I struggle my way though? About our daughter? About Elphie herself? About every other wrong I have done or has been done to me throughout my life? Isn't it about time you let someone help you? You've been strong for me and for Elphie for so long, aren't you ready to let someone be strong for you?"

There was no response. After a few minutes of silence Glinda became too concerned to hold her tongue. "Fiyero?" she questioned.

"You were right," he said as he grabbed her hands, peeled her arms off of him and stepped away.

She watched him walk away from her. "About what?"

In a sudden, jerky movement his fist slammed against the top of the railing, shaking it so hard that both Fiyero and Glinda's drinks toppled off of it. The fragile glass broke as they landed near Glinda's feet but the blonde didn't notice; she was too terrified of the trembling man before her. "Fiyero?" she asked but her voice was too quiet and he didn't hear her.

"I'm turning into a monster," he muttered. "And you need to get away from me, right now!"

"Fiyero… what is wrong? You know you can talk to me. You know you can tell me. If you would just –"

"Get away from me!" he screamed as he whirled around, grabbed her arm harshly. "Get away before I beat you to death like that mob beat Liir's daughter to death! Don't you see? I'm scared of myself! I'm scared of what I'll do! You must go! You simply must!"

Glinda nodded, too afraid to speak, and ran from his presence. Fiyero watched her go, felt the anger building inside of him, and stormed from the balcony to enter the palace's large foyer. He saw Glinda at the end of the room as she ran from him. She stopped at the door, looked back over her shoulder to see him standing there – seething in anger – before quickly fleeing. He watched the door slam shut before turning his anger on the room. He let his fury overwhelm him. He let the blind rage overtake his mind and body. He let himself feel angry because it was easier than trying to sort out the real pain residing within him.

When his anger and energies were finally expelled he found himself standing in the middle of the now destroyed foyer with no true memory of what he had done. The bookshelves had been knocked down, their books spilling out upon the delicately tiled floor. The paintings and marble statues had been ripped from their places, expensive art broken by his anger. His hands were bloody, his knuckles and fingernails torn. He stared at his hands, watching them shake, and felt the tears throbbing behind his eyes.

He fell to his knees and let out an ear-piercing wail that did little to alleviate the pain he felt within. The tears came like a river, pouring from his eyes as the only release he had. But even then they did not grant him the relief he dearly wanted, that he was begging for. Then suddenly someone was near, kneeling down beside him.

"Oh, oh Fiyero," Glinda whispered; her voice a song that broke through his ragged sobs. "Fiyero… I never knew you felt like this. Why didn't you say? Why didn't you tell me you were hurting this much?" She wrapped her arm around his trembling shoulders and pulled him close. "You hide it so well, better then Elphie even. But why didn't you say anything? I could've helped you. I'll still help. Just… just let me in, please."

"Shut-up," he spat out but his voice was choked and held none of the anger he had been feeling moments before. "Just shut-up!"

"Please Fiyero," Glinda continued; no longer afraid of him as she could tell his fury had fled him. "Please, I beg of you. Let me help you."

"Just let it be," Fiyero said. "Just… go. Just let me wallow here in my pain. There's nothing you can do."

"I can be here, to hold you. Is that not at least something?"

"You shouldn't be helping me, I should be helping you!" Fiyero wrenched himself away from Glinda. "I am the man of this house! I am the man in this twisted, failing, broken three-way relationship! I am the man with the responsibility of you, of the Emerald City, and of that stupid green witch who can't find the strength within herself to save her own damned soul on his shoulders! I feel like I'm drowning with this weight of everyone! Don't you see that? It's too much! It's too damned much but it shouldn't be! I am a man! I should not be here crying and babbling and so… so weak! I should be able to handle this! I should be able to fix this! I should have been able to save Fae years ago! Don't you see? I've failed!"

Glinda reached for Fiyero, grabbed his arm and drug him back to her. "You haven't failed," she said as she pulled him close and hugged him tightly. They fell together onto the cold tiles; laying chest to chest. He buried his head in her limp curls.

"Elphie isn't your responsibility," Glinda continued. "She is an adult, not a child who needs to be coddled and watched. She has made mistakes, she will always make mistakes, but we have to let her. She is an addict Fiyero, and as such she will never truly be able to function without something there to make her feel in control. I can only hope that one day she will find something less destructive to make her able to function. But you can't let that be you because she will only break you if such a thing is allowed."

"She feels like my responsibility. Since Shiz she has felt like my responsibility."

"She is no more your responsibility than I am. She will always be an addict, no one can change that. We can only hope to help keep her addicted to something less destructive."

"She's going to die," Fiyero muttered. "She should die. She's always wanted to, she meant to when she pulled that trigger. Who are we to keep her alive like she is? Is that not cruel?"

"If the Unnamed God wants her then He will take her."

"Do you think He would take in a witch?"

"Yes."

Fiyero smiled. He dipped his head and kissed Glinda tenderly, let his lips linger on hers for longer than necessary. "I've always admired your ability to just believe in the goodness within everyone," he whispered.

Their eyes locked on each other. Fiyero's cheeks were stained with his own tears but Glinda did not mind. "It's not belief," she replied. "It's the truth. Everyone has goodness within them, everyone deserves their chance at forgiveness. Some people though, like Frex and Avaric and… and even Letozay, choose not to search for their own goodness. Those people I don't care much for. Those people can have their souls rot away into nothingness for all I care."

"So if Avaric came to you, claiming that he had found the goodness in his soul and wishing to be forgiven, would you forgive him?"

"No."

"But you just said –"

"The Unnamed God would," Glinda interrupted. "But some things even I cannot forgive. And rape, dear Fiyero, is one of those things."

Fiyero smiled, almost jokingly. "You have an answer for everything."

"Of course I do," she replied, amused. "I am Lady Glinda after all, aren't I?"

They fell silent for a few minutes and just held each other. Felt their hearts beating within each other's chests. "I feel calmer," Fiyero eventually muttered; his eyes now closed.

"That's good. You know, you should find something to do to that can help to rid you of the anger that you let pent up inside of you."

"I could take up hunting."

"I don't think Elphie would approve of such a hobby."

"You're probably right."

"I don't think you need something to let out your anger, maybe just something to calm yourself down? Something away from the palace. Something away from us. Something that doesn't involve the betting parlor."

"I'll think about it."

"I know of some men who fish for sport. Who release the fish after they catch them. That could be an idea."

"I told you I'll think about it." Fiyero sounded cross now and Glinda decided not to press the matter further.

"So…" Glinda drawled out. "Are we going to go anywhere else or are we going to lay upon the floor of this destroyed room for the rest of our days?" She was joking, and Fiyero knew that, but he still felt somewhat guilty for how destructive he had been in his blind fury.

"Let's get something to eat," Fiyero suggested as he stood up. He held out his hand, helped Glinda to her feet, and together they picked a path out of the destroyed room.

"I'm glad you're accepting your anger issues."

Fiyero nodded."Let's just drop it for now, okay?"

"But –"

"I know I was wrong, I know I've done wrong, but for now, let's just get something to eat, please?"

Glinda stopped in the middle of the hallway, forcing Fiyero to also stop. "Don't run away from this," she said; her voice choked. "Please. Elphie… Elphie does enough running away for all of us. Don't start taking coping lessons from her because you know that that's a horrible, horrible idea."

"I don't need you butting your nose into every decision I make!"

"You haven't been making very good decisions lately so apparently I do need to butt in!"

Fiyero pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Just drop it! I don't need to deal with you pestering me on top of everything else!"

"Don't you see you're not dealing?" Glinda screamed. "Don't you see that you're just covering everything up with your anger! You can't let your anger rule over you! All that is going to do is drive everyone away from you!"

"Fae loves me enough not to run away from me!" Fiyero countered, feeling his fury building up inside of him again. "Fae loves me too much to ever abandon me!"

"Elphie's scared of you! Elphie's terrified that you will abandon her! You're twisting her true love into some sick love built from desperation and fear! You can't possibly want that!" Glinda's eyes widened in shock as realization sunk in. "Do you?" she finished in a breathless whisper. "Is that what you really want?"

"Of course not!"

"Then why are you letting it happen!"

"I don't know!" Fiyero finally confessed. "I don't mean to but I just… I just don't know!"

"Well maybe you should figure it out!"

"And maybe you should shut-up!" Fiyero reached for Glinda's arms but the blonde shrunk away from him in fear.

"You're doing it again," she said quietly, cutting through the stifling anger surrounding them. "The violence, it's your natural reaction now, isn't it?"

Fiyero's face fell. He turned his head away in despairing realization. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "Really, I am. I never meant… I just… I'm sorry Glinda. I'm so sorry for everything I've done to hurt you and Fae! Please, you must believe me! I'm so sorry!"

"I do believe you," Glinda whispered as she approached him. She laid her hand on his arm but her jerked away from her touch. "Fiyero?" she questioned in concern.

"I'm going to see Mirelle and Fae," he replied and it was clear by the way his voice shook that he was desperately trying to hold back his tears. "And I'd like to be alone for while, if you'd please."

"Of course." Glinda watched Fiyero as he made his way down the hall on his own.

His steps were dragged, his head lowered in defeat, and his mind heavy with the thought of his own wrongdoings and sins. He entered Fae's room in silence; sat himself on the window ledge and stared out at the Emerald City. Then, he let the tears fall in silent torrents because he found that without his anger he no longer had anything to hold them back.