The Life and Times of:Young Link Chapter 38: The Badger of Apollo, a super smash brothers fanfic

I HATE SCHOOL.

YL: I hate how long it takes you to update.

CL: At least she is updating….

Thank you, Muse-chan!

CL: (-goes red-) Ch-chan?!

…STFU. Fanfic.

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A man trudged through the streets.

He was carrying a shield on his back, a spear in his right hand, and a sack was slung over his left shoulder. His garb consisted of a red, tattered cape, a Greek helmet, generic boots, and a leather thong.

Leonidas, King of Sparta, was returning from a quest to retrieve the legendary Badger of Apollo.

The quest had been a great success. Not to say it wasn't difficult. He had to traverse many foreign lands—ones with such names as Altea, The World That Never Was, Hyrule—before he found his quarry. The Badger of Apollo was lurking in the land of "Iselia" and tested him by summoning destructive, godly powers with cries like "Indignation" and such. But it did not matter now; the Badger was coerced, and now he was to return to his Sparta and use the power of the Badger.

Leonidas swore under his breath. He must have taken a wrong turn. In all his travels, he had never heard of a "Smash Mansion," nor did he ever cross a land called "Suburbia". He had asked directions many times, but all the Suburbians had stared at him strangely, laughed, and went on their way. Both races of people here had done the same—those called "Locals" and "Tourists", they were all the same.

Perhaps the Smash Mansionians…or whatever…would be kinder.

"Please stop bawling," YL growled.

"B-but…but…poor little Al!" Ed bawled, practically tearing his eyes out with his ginormous claws. Jenna was talking to someone on her cell, Mewtwo had left to grab some popcorn, and Marth opted to stare at the mini-wolf.

"Shut up!"

"Noooo!"

"Stop it!"

"But Al!"

"…Is in the Author's Notes. Can it, already!"

"But-!"

"SHUT UP!"

"…Would anyone here know which way Sparta is?" asked Leonidas, who had somehow gotten inside.

Everyone just stared at him.

"Oh, no, not this again…."

Marth tilted his head. "Why do you need to go there?"

"Because!" Leonidas struck a pose. "I have retrieved the legendary Badger of Apollo, which will bring Spartans their victory against Xerxes!"

"…Hate to break it to you, but you die," Ed cut in. Wow, he stopped bawling.

"My fate does not matter if Sparta is gived its victory!"

YL peered at the grammar. "'Gived'?"

"…Given! Same difference! Where's Sparta?!"

Something in the bag over Leonidas' shoulder moved. "I'm not a badger, you ass."

"It speaks!" Leonidas brightened. "See? The badger speaks its riddles!"

"Nor am I an 'it'," the bag replied. "I am a 'he', thank you much. Let me out of here."

The Spartan paid no attention. "It calls down the destructive might of the gods!"

Jenna thought for a moment. She could've sworn she heard that voice before….

"Are you entirely sure that's a badger?" YL asked hesitantly, studying the bag with (literally) puppy dog eyes. "It talks like a human."

"You're all the same," the bag taunted. "Humans are bumbling idiots. Then again, you probably think I'm one because you can't see my face, or any part of me, for that matter. I'm in a freaking bag. A freaking bag being carried by a freaking idiot. Now get me out of here, for the last time!"

"And what are you gonna do, rant at me?" YL said, returning the taunt. "If you could see out of that freaking bag, you'd be able to tell that I am a Hylian, not a human. There are many humans here, but I, sir, am not one of them. You should know better than to guess someone's race merely from the sound of their voice."

The bag huffed. "Why shouldn't I call you a human if you do the same to me? You, who have no idea who or what I am, call me a human out of ignorance of my true nature. I could be a glob of slime, for all you know, though I assure you I am not. Then again, do you know whether or not I'm lying? For all you know, I could be Navi with a voice changing device, had I not announced that I was male!"

Jenna rubbed her chin. She was positive she had heard that voice before, but not in her own fandom.

"Is that a challenge?"

"What, resorting to steel? Are you afraid of a battle of wits?"

"Why you little--!"

"I can at least tell that your voice is lower to the ground than, say, Edward Elric," the bag continued, causing the name mentioned to fume at the short joke. "Hence, it would be unwise to call me 'little', seeing as you are smaller."

"Fuck logic!"

"Then it seems I have won."

YL paused for a moment. "…Damn it!"

"The badger speaks!" Leonidas cawed. "See how it shall bring Sparta victory?"

The bag sighed. "Not a badger."

"See the riddles it speaks?!"

"I'm not speaking riddles, merely pointing out the obvious. You should have been able to tell I was not a badger the moment you saw me. Besides, what would a badger of Apollo be doing in lands that were not his? And yet you drag me from my home, throw me in a sack, and travel from world to world, lost and confused. Might I add, you have fed me nothing, nor let me have any water, both of which are unwise actions. You would not want me to expire before you reached your Sparta, and, might I add, I can cook much better things than the slop I've heard you devouring.

"Furthermore, merely because I have the power to aid you does not mean that I must. While I have demonstrated my (rightly praised) magic, I was doing so out of self-defense. There is no guarantee that I will fight alongside you against hordes of Persians when you have only 300 men; I would rather run for my own life, thank you much. Nor is there a guarantee that I will not turn against you, perhaps face-to-face on the field of battle. Or perhaps I will poison your dwindling food supplies with my sister's notorious cooking."

All present were reeling from the two-paragraph rant, by far the longest spiel in the fanfic's two-year history.

"…To put it briefly," The bag said on a closing note, "I am not the Badger of Apollo, but an innocent dragged from his home. So put me down."

"Fuck logic!"

"Then it seems, Miss Riane, that I have won."

"…Damn it!" Riane swore, not realizing those very lines were a mirror image of YL's argument with a bag.

A bishounen with waist-length silver hair, garbed in a green and tan cloak, and with a quite large axe strapped to his back merely shrugged indifferently and turned away. "See? The authoress at least enjoys drawing me."

"Go shove it up your ass, Matthias."

"Riane! Riane!" Alvis stumbled in, wearing an Org. XIII coat and blindfold. "How's this look on me?"

Riane stared at him a moment. "…You…took my suggestion."

"Well, why not? I'm bored as heck."

"Then feed the Rabbit."

"HELL no! Do you think I have a death wish?!"

The bickering of the siblings continued, the new OC, Matthias, merely standing back and watching. Behind them all, a figure descended a dramatic gothic stairwell. "Original characters. It is time."

Everyone shut up.

"The protagonist draws near," he continued. "And with him, the climax. Prepare for battle, and don't feed the Rabbit. It'll be all the more potent a weapon."

"Yes, Chibi-san," they droned.

"The Authoress awaits your victory. Do not disappoint."

"We understand."

Chibi Link smiled smugly. "Good." And he retreated up the stairwell.

And now, another of my spiffeh contests! Two, actually!

YL: Groan.

First one, find the details on my DeviantART account. Same user name, look me up! You'll also find some pics of this "Matthias" OC.

Matthias: Woohoo!

CL: As for the other contest, you must guess which non-Smasher is in Leonidas' bag! The first one to guess correctly receives a cameo next chapter!

Great job, Muse. Care to give them a hint?

CL: Listen up, this is the only one. Your clue is one word: Symphonia.

YL: …Symphonia. Freakin' Symphonia.

…Until next time, reviewers!