A/N. I have no words for the reviews I received for the last chapter. I am speechless. I'm just going to say that I don't own anything so read on. THANK YOU.
"No way." Logan said firmly. He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. He looked remarkably stubborn for someone at Death's door. There was an angry fire in his eyes that Kendall would have loved to see if the circumstances were different.
"Logan, just listen for minute. We've been talking it over and-"
"Kendall, there is no way any of you is going to risk your life on my account." Logan cut him off. He sighed and wished that they could all just drop the discussion and pretend it had never happened. But as he stared at his three friends, it was like looking in a mirror. The same defiant expression was worn by them all.
Kendall bit his lip to keep from losing his cool. The argument they had was very strong if they all kept calm. "Logan, kidney transplant is considered relatively safe." He began. "We've all done some research and the doctors here seem to think that-"
But Logan interrupted him again. "It's only considered safe when you're comparing it to open heart surgery or something like that. But it's more dangerous for the donor than the recipient. And even if it went smoothly do you know what would change? You couldn't play sports, your immune system will be really weakened and you. . . just so much else." His resolve was weakening and he pleaded with his friends. "I don't want any of you to go through that."
"We don't care." James stepped into the conversation. "It would all be worth it if it helped you."
"That's the other thing." Logan said. "What if it didn't work? It probably wouldn't too. It would all be for nothing."
"That's not true!" James argued. "Even if it didn't work then at least we tried." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Why are you being so stubborn about this?"
"Would you want this if you were me?" Logan pointed out. He couldn't help smiling a little as they all fell silent. "Besides." He added. "It's my decision in the end. I'm eighteen now."
Kendall flinched. It was Logan's birthday that day. And all they had done so far was argue. But saying "Happy Birthday" seemed pointless since happiness didn't exist anymore. "So that's it? You're just going to die?"
Logan shrugged. "I don't know." He said softly. "I don't want to."
"Really?" Kendall couldn't help asking. "Because for someone who doesn't want to die, you're awfully calm about this whole thing. You won't let us help you at all. Why?"
"Because I'm selfish." Logan responded instantly.
His answer caught Kendall and the other two completely off guard. Finally, Kendall found his voice. "What? Logan, you're not selfish." He argued. "You're the most unselfish person any of us have ever known."
"No, I'm not." Logan disagreed. "If I were than I would accept your help."
"I don't. . . understand." Kendall said in confusion.
"Because." Tears suddenly filled Logan's eyes. "I'm afraid we might lose one of you. And I don't think I could live with myself if it was all because of me."
The room was silent. Logan had just admitted what Kendall, James, and Carlos had been fearing for so long.
When his three friends were quiet for so long Logan took a deep breath before going on. "It's selfish because I'd rather die so I wouldn't have to miss you. But then you guys would be the ones hurting. I don't want that either."
"So let us help you." James begged. "I mean, you're overreacting. We might. . . not even be a match right? At least let us see if it's possible."
Logan considered the possibility. He sincerely hoped that none of his friends were a match and they could move on. "Fine." He said, giving them something to hold onto. "But just to see." He added before they could get too excited. They glared half-heartedly but nodded in agreement. "So." Logan attempted to change the subject. "How's school?" He grimaced at the lame subject.
"Stupid." Kendall said harshly. "Pointless."
"It's not pointless." Logan said firmly. "It's important for your future. You can get a decent job when you have a college education. And to get a college education it makes it easier if you graduate from high school. This is your senior year. Your most important year. Everything counts."
"Yeah well, we'd still rather be here." Carlos finally spoke up.
Logan made a dismissing motion with one hand. "You all spend too much time in here as it is. Go. . . do something. Go to the beach, go on dates with your girlfriends, get in trouble. You're still teenagers remember?" He went on before any of them could protest. "I'm not saying that I don't want you guys here. I do. But I don't want you to put your lives on hold because of what's happening to me. It's not right."
"None of this is right." Carlos mumbled. "This is all wrong. So wrong in so many ways."
"So, no point in making it wrong in another way, right?" Logan offered a hesitant grin.
Carlos couldn't help laughing a little. "Do you have to be so good at arguing everything we come up with?"
"I'm the genius remember?" Logan laughed too but it was ruined by a brief coughing fit. He waved at the boys to sit down when they all stood up in alarm. He cleared his throat. "Sorry. It happens."
"Do you need something?" Carlos asked as he was halfway out of his chair. "Water? Medication? A doctor?"
"I'm okay." Logan insisted. He sighed, wishing that they could go longer than five minutes without something coming up to ruin the good moments. "Relax, okay?"
The boys tried to do as Logan said. They settled back into their chairs but in rigid, tense positions. "So, Logan." Kendall fiddled with a loose strand on his jeans. "How do we uh, go about seeing if. . . we can help?"
Logan looked disappointed that Kendall had brought the subject up yet again. "I honestly don't know. I guess you'd have to ask Doctor Walsh." He couldn't bring himself to face his friends and turned instead to look at the TV that no one was watching.
It was one of those cheesy family game night commercials. Logan always hated them. His family had never had a game night since it had been him and his father for the most part. But now he hated the ads for a whole new reason. The happy family portrayed on the television was fake. The mom and dad and kids had probably met each other the day of the taping. It was all just an act. Their stupid plastic smiles and idiotic bantering were scripted. They didn't really care if families spent time together as long as they got their checks at the end of the day.
"Logan."
He jerked out of his thoughts of families and turned back to see Kendall watching him in concern. "Sorry, what?
"Are you okay?" Kendall asked.
Logan considered the word. Okay. It gave a fair description of the way he was feeling. He nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay. Why? Are you guys okay?"
Kendall ignored the fact that Logan was obviously trying to turn the conversation around. "You looked kind of sad just now."
"Oh." Logan glanced back at the TV. "I was just thinking." He groaned inwardly when the other boys simply waited for him to go on. "About my dad I guess." He told them.
Inevitably, Kendall's face heated up in anger. Kendall had always been passionately protective to the point of self destruction. It scared Logan to think of what might happen if his best friend ever crossed paths with Ryan Mitchell ever again. James and Carlos were angry too but they were more restrained.
Really, it was natural that Logan had thought of his dad. It was his birthday after all. The illogical part was that he felt tears come to his eyes when he admitted his thoughts. He just wanted to forget about his dad and move on with however much of his life he had left. It hurt to think of him. Every time he did Logan couldn't help the veil of depression that came over him. Being the victim of abandonment wasn't something that was easy to recover from. Forgive and forget. It had been relatively simple to forgive his father. Something that his friends couldn't understand. But Logan wondered, if by some miracle he beat the cancer, if he could ever forget.
"Do you think he knows what's going on?" Logan ventured. He kept his gaze on James and Carlos, too afraid to see Kendall's reaction to his question.
"I. . . don't know." Carlos said.
The tension in the room was uncomfortable. Finally Kendall spoke up and he said something that Logan had never expected or hoped to hear. "How are you okay with everything he did to you, Logan? How are you okay with everything that's happened?"
James and Carlos looked both appalled at Kendall's boldness and relieved that he had asked Logan the question that they had been wondering themselves.
"Sometimes I'm not." Logan said quietly. He glanced down at the bed sheets and went on, unable to meet his friends' faces when he told them the truth. "Like, right after my dad. . . left. I just felt so worthless. Like, my mom died and my dad didn't want me anymore. Plus I felt like I was messing everything up by getting sick. One day there was this pair of scissors just sitting on the night stand over there. I think a nurse had used them to open something and she left them there. I don't know. But they were the really sharp kind, you know?"
James and the other boys were just staring at him. Mechanically, James nodded. There was a faint buzzing noise in his ears and he felt slightly dizzy because in some terrible way, he knew where Logan was going with his story. He felt sick to his stomach as Logan went on.
"They were so tempting just sitting there. I was alone too. It was all so perfect. I knew right where to cut too. Right on the vein in my wrist. Did you know that cutters usually cut on their upper arms and avoid their wrists? You can bleed out pretty quickly." He vaguely realized that he was probably shocking his friends with each and every word but they continue to rush out of his mouth. "Remember back in Minnesota when that girl, what was her name? Jessie Coggins? She accidentally cut too deep in the girls' bathroom and she almost died. And then her parents sent her to that rehab center in Michigan."
"If she had cut her wrist then she probably would have died. But most cutters don't actually want to die. It's just a way to escape the pain in their lives. It almost makes sense. The physical pain distracts them. It gives them a sense of control in their lives. I've read about it in Psychology classes."
"Anyway, I was thinking about all of that. I know that cutting is wrong and. . . suicide is even worse. I've known that my whole life. But that night, I really understood why people do it. Because I felt so alone and lost and. . . I don't know. I was depressed. It all seemed so easy and quick. And then I thought about you guys. And I thought about how every time there's a suicide, there are so many people left behind and it hurts them. I didn't want to hurt you guys that way. It's selfish because I was only thinking of ending my pain but I'd end up causing a lot more pain in the end."
James really felt sick to his stomach. Logan had wanted to kill himself. He had wanted to die. The fact that this was all in the past meant very little to him. What did matter to him was that at one point in his life, Logan had felt so hopeless because of all that had happened, that he had wanted to die. And he had come close to taking his own life. He was finally beginning to accept the fact that Logan would probably die. But because of the cancer or because of his failing kidneys. James would never be able to accept Logan's death if he had gone through with his plans.
"You were going to kill yourself?" Carlos' eyes were wide in disbelief. He knew that Logan had gone through some incredibly hard things lately. He had admired his friend's strength and determination. But how much of that had been an act? And act that he, Kendall, and James should have been able to see through. They were his best friends after all. Rather, they were supposed to be his best friends. Carlos couldn't help thinking that they had failed to see how deep Logan's depression had been. Wouldn't true best friends look past the smiles and the jokes and see the pain that had almost been their undoing.
"I'm really sorry." Logan was ashamed. He looked up to see the hurt in his friends' eyes. He felt guilty knowing that he had caused their pain. What made it worse was that it would have been so much worse if he had actually gone through with his plan. What would have happened to them all?
Kendall had his face in his hands. He was deeply shaken by Logan's confession. He believed him when he said that he was better now. Happier. He believed him when he said that he hadn't had a single suicidal thought since that one night. But that didn't change the fact that Logan had almost done what the cancer was trying to do.
"Do you hate me?" Logan's question was quiet as if he wasn't sure what to expect.
"Hate you?" James asked in disbelief. "Why would we hate you?"
"Because." Logan said as if the answer was obvious and he was confused when James didn't understand. "I wanted to die so much that I almost. . . you know."
James shook his head. "It's okay." He said, lying to himself and the others. It clearly wasn't okay. Nothing was okay anymore. "Logan, we could never hate you. And honestly? We always wondered if you were handling things as well as you appeared to be. It's partly our faults too. We let ourselves be fooled when you said you were fine. Maybe it's because we wanted it to be true so badly. We were lying to ourselves and each other."
"Why though?" Kendall broke into the conversation. "We're supposed to be best friends and all we've done lately is lie. Why aren't we honest with each other anymore?"
"Maybe it's because we're trying to protect everyone else." Carlos spoke up. He had been fighting his inner demons by himself but despite the conversation he couldn't bring himself to admit that to his friends. He would be okay.
Carlos' explanation made perfect sense to the others. But that didn't chase away the feeling they all had that they were going about it the wrong way. Still, it was comforting to know that although they were all still falling apart, they were falling apart together. If only they could somehow become whole again.
A/N. Once again I'm not sure how much I like this chapter. Mostly because I can't wait for the next chapter. I was hit hard by the Angst Monster thanks to three review from chapter 36. Amy14k, Mrs. Wolfe Sanders, and Kaywells. You can all thank/blame them ahead of time for the level of angst you are about to encounter. I thought I'd warn you ahead of time. . . Anyway, review?