Gale, Katniss and Thom are due within the hour and I didn't sleep a wink last night. While the reprieve from nightmares was nice, my exhaustion this morning is not. Today is going to be harder than I originally thought and I was never under the illusion that I as going to get through it without a drink so my breakfast consists of coffee infused brandy and an apple. So that when I inevitably throw up I won't just be heaving.
A knock at the door has the apple threatening to make a return much sooner than I had thought
"Madge?" at Gale's voice my stomach settles minutely and I go to the entryway to meet him "I thought I should come ahead of the other two"
"Thank you" I breathe, grateful for the warning
"Are you sure about this?"
"I thought about it a lot last night and I realised I'm being selfish ... and a coward. This has to be so much harder for them and I've been moping around feeling sorry for myself"
"Madge you haven't exactly had it easy" he stresses
"He has every right to be angry at me and hiding out here is just cowardly"
"You didn't do anything wrong Madge. Orion chose his fate" I flinch at his name, still not having found the strength to say it myself
"You'll never change my mind on this" I tell him
"Maybe not, but someone else might".
We sit in the parlour again, in silence this time. Seeing Thom is always hard but having him sat directly in front of me for a long stretch of time is somewhere near torture. I can feel the blame radiating off him in waves of hatred. If I looked up I'm sure he'd be glaring at me. That's when I decide to stop being a coward, I deserve every blow he's got to give.
When I do look up he's not glaring, not even looking disapprovingly. He's just looking, head tilted ever so slightly, a confounded expression on his face, his features tight with confusion maybe?
"You're always so happy when I've see you, so put together" he suddenly speaks, shattering the silence that as becoming unbearable but still better than the alternative "I didn't realise how much of a mess you were" he finishes bluntly. Gale gives him a warning look which only seems to piss Thom off and Katniss looks away uncomfortably "he died for you and I thought you'd just forgotten about it"
"She hasn't" Gale answers for me, something I'd usually hate but in this case was necessary
"Speaking for her as well Hawthorne? How things have changed"
"Give it a rest Thom"
"You give it a rest Gale" Thom snaps, getting to his feet
"Thom sit down" Katniss says softly
"No! You're a bloody traitor" he yells jabbing a finger at Gale's chest
"Thom please it's me you're angry at" I won't have a friendship destroyed because of me or something I've done
"No it's not. My brother was smart and a good judge of character, if he liked you, if he thought you ere worth dying over then you probably are but you Hawthorne are a traitorous bastard who can't keep it in his pants" when Gale stands he's an inch or two taller than Thom but neither shows signs of backing down
"I won't fight you Thom"
"You used to have substance Hawthorne, when did you become a little bitch? Around the same time you put high maintenance tail above friends?"
"You'd better stop now Thom"
"Don't you fucking tell me what to do"
"You're being irrational"
"Oh that's it" Thom shakes his head in disbelief takes a step back, he pulls back his arm, fist clenched tightly and takes a hold of Gales shirt with the other hand. I watch in horror as Gale stays completely still, doesn't even flinch and takes the hit. I'm quite sure at some point we'll be able to see the bruises left from each individual knuckle in Thom's hand. Because Thom is still holding Gale's shirt he bounces right back and Thom rears back his fist to hit him again, and again Gale doesn't move to block it. So I do, I catch his fist and twist his hand in to a lock that would very easily break his wrist if he struggled
"Thom stop"
"Let go, ah!"
"Thom" Katniss takes a hold of his shoulders and stares him down "stop"
"It's not fair" he whimpers "he's getting everything he could have ever wanted and more and my brother-" his hand slips through my fingers and he turns to face us looking contrite "my brother said you gave him hope, for a better life, a chance at a better life at least. And he just gave all that up?"
"No" I shake my head "he thought I could do that for everyone else and I'm going to try I am-"
"What are you talking about?" Katniss and Gale both nod their agreement but I'm not sure. He's angry and not thinking clearly, a dangerous combination
"We told you there was more at play here Thom" Katniss tries to explain
"What does that even mean?"
"A rebellion" Gale says bluntly, still rubbing at his cheek "your brother didn't die for Madge, he died for what she could do for the rebellion"
"Rebellion?" it's a hushed whisper, he knows the weight the word carries, everyone does. Rebellion means war, death, a repeat of the dark days. To spite that though, it also means hope. Hope for something better, something fair, something that doesn't require starving to death, freezing in your bed, dying from easily curable ailments, being worked in to your grave and sending children to the slaughter "and not just a strike in the mines or demanding better grain, a real full scale rebellion. It's been years in the making"
"What does that have to do with you?" Thom asks, looking at me with his brow furrowed
"I-I-" I what? I knew about it, I knew I'd be going in to the games, I knew anyone else who did would have to die "I was always going to volunteer for the games" his features scrunch together in confusion and a little disgusted I think "I've been training for them since I was, a toddler really"
"You're telling me a kid wanted to go in to the games?"
"Well ... yes" I answer "as the mayor's daughter I had access to information and funds, no one asks too many questions, I've grown up around Capitol people, I know how to speak, act, pretend around them"
"And what does that mean?"
"It means they trust me. I have tea with the president of Panem at least once a week and I'm free to travel to the Capitol whenever I please"
"And my brother knew this?"
"He knew enough" I nod "but it was never supposed to happen the way it did" I add quickly "I was just going to make it look like he had died"
"Oh come on as if you'd get away with that"
"The tracking devices they put in the tributes also monitor everything else about the body, how hydrated you are, energy levels, heart rate, pulse. That's how they know if someone's dead or just concussed from outside the arena"
"Exactly they'd know it was fake"
"The chips can be rebooted, a hard hit and they lose their signal until they're re-collaborated. They were designed by Beetee Latier, a past victor, for this exact purpose. See I wasn't meant to volunteer yet"
"She volunteered two years early to keep Prim out of the games" Katniss explains
"We had a plan in place, for the Quell, two years from now so I knew about the chips. I was just going to knock him out and reboot the chip. When I got out I'd have him found but he never gave me the chance" my voice is shaking, I haven't spoken about him this much and it's beginning to take it's toll
"So my brother wanted the rebellion to succeed?"
"Yes, he did"
"Then I only have one question" three of us wait expectantly for him to continue and when he does his features are fierce with determination "where do I sign up?".