Moonlit Wishes
Book III, Part XII

The excitement of the children was difficult to contain, they were literally bouncing off the walls, running around, being loud and rambunctious all throughout the house. This feeling of anticipation, the harmony that was between all the children was quite comical. They all had promised they had been so good that surely Santa was going to come visit them tonight.

Samantha had reminded each of them that Santa couldn't come to their house until they were fast asleep. EJ had wanted to laugh when Johnny had countered with that she needed to go to sleep too then, but he'd kept his laughter at bay when he saw Samantha turn her eyes to him silently daring him to overrule her on this matter, much less laugh at her.

EJ wished he felt better; he had been fighting off a nasty cold since Monday when he and Samantha had been on the playground together. So much for his earlier warning that she would catch her death of cold that day, apparently he had caught it instead.

No, she wasn't sick at all, Samantha looked beautiful tonight, her eyes full of merriment as she had repeatedly told the children to close their eyes and fall asleep. After almost an hour of this, she was still in a good mood when they finally gave up their protests and now they were all sleeping like the perfect angels they claimed to be earlier.

EJ was ready to climb into bed himself, he had chills and his head was hurting, but he knew he couldn't allow Samantha to put out all the toys that Santa would be bringing the children by herself, so he pushed himself onward to follow her retreating figure back down the stairs to the living room. He admired the view she presented even though he wouldn't admit it to her. It wouldn't do any good anyway.

Sami was surprised to see EJ, she knew he didn't feel good and had expected him to disappear into his bedroom like he did every night when he was sure the children were asleep in their beds, safe and secure. He hadn't given her much to be hopeful for these past few days, but she'd taken it in stride, trying not to push him away any further.

She went to the room she had claimed as her office, telling them all this was the one room no one was allowed entry into and so far they had respected her ruling. Good thing too since she had stashed all the gifts that Santa was going to bring to her brood in there.

She could sense EJ was close behind her, yet he didn't come into her makeshift office either. She drug out the huge bag of toys doing her best not to trip on her way back out to the living room where their Christmas tree was situated.

"I could have helped you get those out," EJ began only to have her wave a hand in his direction while she kept pulling at the sack with the other.

"I can handle it, you go on to bed." Sami stated thinking this wouldn't be the first time she had done this alone and it probably wouldn't be the last either if EJ continued to thwart all of her attempts to get him closer to her.

"I want to help you get the toys out for the children if you don't mind. I mean I haven't ever done this with anyone else before…"

"Not even Nicole," Sami blurted out interrupting EJ while she raised a disbelieving brow at him as she plopped down on the floor. When she saw his face fall a slight bit she immediately felt bad. "Sorry old habits die hard and I know you were married to her during Christmas years before so I just assumed that…."

Her voice trailed off before she completed her thought. She really didn't want to think of Nicole ever being with EJ and tried her best not to bring up the past since EJ had been so good not to remind her of her previous failures in the romance department, well at least he hadn't lately.

EJ shrugged his shoulders as he sat down beside Sami, their backs to the fire in the fireplace that he had built at the children's insistence earlier in the evening. "No, Nicole fell asleep before we did anything like this, you know like a real family and I was up alone getting things ready for Johnny the year you were gone."

A pang of instant regret hit Sami at his slight reference to when she had been gone in the safe house with Rafe. If she had only been truthful with EJ that she had been pregnant with Sydney, things might have been completely different for them now and that thought made her sad.

"EJ, I wish I had done things differently, you know when I was expecting Sydney," she said quietly, laying down the doll that was going to be Sydney's on the floor beside her as she turned to face the fire instead of facing EJ.

"I gave you no reason to tell me the truth," EJ replied as he turned to face the fire also even though he didn't dare look into her eyes.

"I guess truth telling hasn't ever been high on either one of our lists of priorities."

"No, it wasn't, but now…"

Sami gave a snort of laughter as she rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "Oh EJ, now you lie to yourself like I used to lie to myself all the time."

"I do no such thing," EJ shook his head even though he wouldn't tear his gaze away from the embers.

"You do," Sami disagreed with him as she finally turned her head to face him, but EJ wouldn't do the same, still keeping his eyes on the fire instead of facing her, making sure he wasn't touching her either. "Every time I try to get close to you now, you shied away from me like I have the plague; it's like if you get too close..."

"I'll burn," EJ finished her sentence for her, the first time he had been honest with her since he had told her she drove him crazy.

Sami sighed, he was right even though she didn't want to admit it because she had and still felt the same way about him, only now she wasn't afraid of the fire, she wanted to embrace it with him.

"Let's just get the toys arranged for the kids before we say anything we'll…"

"Regret," Sami added softly. "It seems like all I have done lately is regret things, terrible things I did to you." She took a shaky hand raising it to barely touch the place where she had shot him in anger only a mere year before. Even though his hair had grown back, she could feel the ridge of the scar she had given him, a painful reminder of what happened when they lost it with one another, when their anger guided them instead of their hearts.

As soon as she did it, EJ finally turned to face her, and he felt traitorous tears well up in his eyes, ones he had held at bay since the night he had contemplated ending it all. He grasped her hand and pulled it away from him before saying, "You know Samantha you only get so many chances to fuck something up before it's just too fucked up to mend."

She acted like he hadn't said anything, like she didn't believe what he was trying to tell her. "There is something going on between us," she paused, waiting for him to disagree with her.

"Samantha I have never denied there was something going on between us, that's been a given from the first day we met. It's just an attraction, a passing fancy, a curiosity for us."

"You're a bigger liar now than when you were lying to me about who kidnapped Sydney."

"See, the past is always going to haunt us," EJ stated. "I really did believe you when you had told me the slate had been wiped clean between us."

"If you recall said slate cleaning was done way before that happened."

"I recall clearly my dear, probably much better than you."

"You don't think that night we spent together meant something to me?" Sami asked incredulously.

"We didn't spend the night together, we had fun remember? You can't call it a night when you run out of it before the night is over."

"You know why I ran," Sami raised her voice slightly.

"Maybe for the same reasons I am trying to run now." EJ was attempting to push himself up from the floor, but Sami grabbed him before he could get up and away from her.

"EJ, don't go. I didn't mean for us to argue, it's just…"

"What we do, which is argue, lash out at one another, fight like we are in a duel to the death and then we hurt each other. Can't you see I don't want to hurt you anymore? I'm trying to be a better man."

"You're just trying to take the easy way out."

"Oh sweetheart, there is no easy way out with you. There never has been and I doubt there ever will be. I see you are taking the grass is greener approach with me now and I want you to know it doesn't make you a bad person, but I'm not that gullible where you are concerned anymore."

"We kissed the other day and you felt something for me when it happened," she stated as if he hadn't even spoken those previous words to her.

"I took advantage of you like I always seem to do when you are at your most vulnerable."

"You didn't take advantage of me. I wanted you to kiss me. EJ, I want you to kiss me again and again and again."

His body reacted to the words instantly. If he even touched her it would be bad for both of them, no telling what might happen if they actually kissed. "Samantha, it was just a kiss."

"Our kisses are never likened to a simple kiss."

"Of course not, everything is complicated with us, always has been."

"I dream about you, about how things could be if we were truly together."

Like he hadn't dreamt of her countless times and no doubt would probably dream of her tonight.

"So you had a dream about me. Dreaming doesn't predict the future, it doesn't mean anything significant."

"Not one dream, I've been dreaming about you every night since you wrote those letters to me. The letters the man you still are even though you try to fight it, that spoke the truth even when the truth hurt me and I can take the hurt if you'll just admit the truth of how you really feel about me."

Yet she still hadn't spoken any words of love for him and he doubted he ever would hear those things from her as stubborn as she had been and still was to this day.

No he knew as soon as he admitted he still loved her, she would turn away from him, she always had in the past and each time it had hurt him a little bit more than the time before.

He closed his eyes, trying to block out countless visions he had of her. He wanted her in his bed; in the shower, in front of this very fireplace right now. He needed her so much it hurt.

"EJ, I, I…" she faltered, the words she wanted to say stuck in her throat. Why was this so difficult?

He opened his eyes to look at her. She had played so many games with his heart and he in turn hers. One thing he didn't want to hear from her was lies, not this time.

"What are you wanting to say to me Samantha?" he could barely get the question out, partly out of fear of what she might say to him, partly that he didn't want to get his hopes up again when he knew they would be crushed by her.

"I have these feelings for you, and at times I want to rush full steam ahead into wherever it may take us and at other times I want them to stop, but whatever this is, it's too strong. I need to know what it's like. I have to know what it's like to be with you without any kind of deception between us, without anyone else trying to stop us from being together, whether it is our families or someone else trying to tell us we how wrong we are for each other."

EJ held his breath. Did she really care about him, or did she just want to get this out of her system once at for all? It was probably the latter, it was too mind boggling to consider anything else at the moment.

He suddenly realized it didn't matter anymore. He was worn down from trying to run from her at each and every turn lately. Tonight he knew without a doubt that she wanted him and god only knew had badly he wanted her. So the choice would be that simple to make if he'd let down this wall he had built up so highly against her.

All he had to do was take her in his arms, or maybe even barely lean over in her direction and let whatever may happen take this crazy course that they seemed to be destined to take with one another.

He could let her see into his heart for just this one time and he would worry about tomorrow, later.

Yes, tomorrow would be a good time to worry about consequences, tonight would be a different story.

Tonight she would be his and his alone...