A/N: Time to answer those lingering questions. As with the primary plot, clues were scattered throughout the story. Enjoy!

Please note: This chapter deals with an emotive and sometimes contentious subject. It is loosely based on an actual event and I hope, sensitively written.

## ## = Flashback

o-xxx-o

Much later that evening Sue stood in the hallway, not sure whether she should disturb him or leave him alone. He'd spent most of dinner time in a world of his own, chasing his food around the plate rather than eating it and he'd only responded to what was going on around him when Jilly touched his arm to force his attention back to the present.

Sue had been grateful for the children's playfulness at the table. She was constantly amazed at how much Laura had changed in the short time they'd been there, having grown from a quiet, shy little girl who wouldn't say boo to a goose, into a chatty, playful one, and she knew it was mainly because of Jilly's influence.

The older girl had changed too. There had been no more tantrums as such, sulking and the odd bad mood, yes, but nothing more than that. She'd even remembered what they'd talked about together and when Jack had gone into the lounge after they'd eaten she'd followed, sitting beside him and chatting quietly. After a while he'd lifted her onto his lap, holding her close until she'd fallen asleep.

Taking a breath, she tapped on the den door and opened it a crack. Jack was sitting with his feet up on the coffee table staring into space. "The girls have both had their baths and I've put them to bed."

He stirred and looked in her direction. "Thank you."

"Welcome. I'll leave you alone."

"No stay, please."

"I don't want to intrude."

"You're not."

As she sat down beside him, she noticed a silver frame on his lap which held a photograph of Lisa she hadn't seen before. "May, I?"

"Sure."

"She's very beautiful."

"Yes, she was." There was a wistful air to his voice, which was mirrored in his expression.

"And you loved her very much."

"Mmm…" He nodded almost imperceptibly.

Tentatively, she put a hand on his arm and he took it in his, holding it against his chest. He'd been quiet for so long she thought he was asleep but as she tried to get up, he spoke again completely unaware of how much time had passed.

"You started to ask me something earlier, what was it?"

"It doesn't matter it's really none of my business."

Snorting, his face broke into a sad smile. "I've delved into every part of your life for the past couple of months, it's seems only fair."

She settled herself more comfortably, her hand still in his. "I just… I…"

"Go on, it's okay..."

He'd given her an opening and she had to take it but where to begin? "I was going to ask about Jilly and the court thing. If her mother died…" she said the word almost apologetically, knowing it would hurt him "why would they even need to be involved? Surely as her father…"

"I'm not."

She waited for him to continue but when he didn't she frowned, wondering if she'd missed something. "I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

He turned towards her a little more. "I'm not her father… I'm her Godfather and her guardian, at least for the time being, but if the courts get their way…" He paused and when he spoke again his voice cracked with emotion. "I've done everything they wanted, Sue, but it still isn't enough. They thought my job was too dangerous so I changed it for one I hate, although, if they ever found out about the last couple of months…"

"That's what Bobby meant. He said if anyone knew I was here, it could cost you far more than just your job."

"He shouldn't have told you that."

"He's worried about you, Jack. You should have told me yourself and I would have had someone else deal with Tony."

"I wasn't about to let that happen, I couldn't."

Sue wasn't sure she understood his last statement but this wasn't the time to get into it. He was talking to her, really talking, and she had no intention of saying anything to jeopardise that. "What about her real father?"

He shrugged. "Lisa never said and I didn't ask. As far as I know she never told anyone, not even him." Stealing a glance in her direction, he couldn't miss the shock on her face, he took it for disapproval and his temper flared once more as he sought to defend her. "Don't! Don't ever judge her. No one has the right to do that."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"You had to know Lisa, to understand… Not that anyone ever really knew her," his anger had evaporated as quickly as it had come, leaving behind a man even more exhausted than before. He looked fragile and tormented.

"Tell me…"

He gave her a soft but sad smile and turned away slightly, not wanting to keep eye contact. "She was always a wild one, even when we were kids, a real wild child… although she preferred to think of herself as free-spirited. She was fun, crazy, fearless… The girls wanted to be her and the boys… like moths to a flame. But, she could be cruel… She'd hurt people and never apologise, just shrug it off and walk away and she had one hell of a temper."

"But you loved her anyway…"

"With all my heart… I wanted to be like her but I didn't have her courage. I was always the boring, dependable one. Played my sport to the best of my ability, studied hard; turned in my assignments on time… I did have my moments though…

"Because she was a couple of years behind me in school, I used to lend her my old homework. Of course I didn't find out till much later that she was copying it and handing it in as her own, with a few adjustments and deliberate mistakes and then one day she was in such a hurry she forgot to make any changes. Miss Buford picked up on it right away, gave her a lecture about responsibility or some such. Said that instead of copying me, she should try to be more like me...

"So, Monday morning rolls around and she walks into the classroom, late as always, dressed in a boys' uniform and a woolly hat and when she takes it off, she's cut her hair and coloured it with brown shoe polish to make it look darker. Needless to say, it didn't go down well and got her suspended."

"Wow."

"At thirteen or fourteen her rebellious streak took over and I guess nowadays they'd put it down to ADHD or something but back then she was branded as out of control and she played up to it. She was skipping school, drinking, smoking and staying out till all hours but whenever she was in any trouble, she always came to me. I'd listen, give advice, she'd kiss me on the cheek and go do the exact opposite."

Sue laughed softly but he barely seemed to notice.

"When I told her I'd been accepted at university and I was going away she was furious. She saw it as the ultimate betrayal and declared that if I left she'd never speak to me again and she kept her promise. I had a call one day to say she'd gone, left home without a word. We searched for her as best we could but we never found her and for a long time, I blamed myself. She could always do that to me, make me feel guilty even when I had nothing to be guilty about."

Letting go of her, he got to his feet, "I need a drink, want one?"

"No, thank you."

He returned a few minutes later and took up the same position, his hand finding hers once more.

"I hadn't heard anything in years and then, about a month after dad's funeral, I was sitting at a bar in Wisconsin, feeling sorry for myself and getting slowly p… blathered, as Crash would say and there she was. We talked, she gave a half-hearted apology for not keeping in touch and I knew she wasn't there by accident, Lisa never said sorry for anything unless it worked to her advantage. She was in trouble again, she had debts, owed money; a lot of it. It wasn't the first time, she'd borrowed from Allie and hadn't paid her back and I was pretty sure there were others, and then she added the clincher, she was pregnant and had nowhere to go." He paused to sip his Scotch.

"Between us, Allie and I persuaded her to remain in Wisconsin and she did. I honestly thought she'd changed. She wanted me there when Jilly was born so I flew back to be with her and I was absolutely stoked when she asked me to be her Godfather…"

"Who's her Godmother?"

"She doesn't have one. Lisa insisted I was the only person she'd ever trust with her child. If she can see me now, she's probably regretting that statement."

"I don't think so."

"Thank you." He swallowed hard and rubbed his hands over his face, still holding on to hers. "I got a call about two years ago to say she'd packed up and left without a word, taking Jilly with her, and one day she just showed up in the bullpen, Lord knows what everyone thought. She said she couldn't stay in Wisconsin another day and announced to everyone she was moving in with me. That was another thing about her, she never asked, just told you how it was going to be."

"And you gave in…"

"I had no choice and she knew it. I couldn't leave a two-year-old child homeless."

"No, you couldn't and she took advantage of that."

"Maybe," he conceded. "I moved into the spare room but the apartment was far too small for the three of us and we were forever getting in each other's way. I was tripping over toys at every turn, there was dirty washing everywhere, my wardrobe space dwindled to nothing and don't even mention the bathroom… That's why I bought this place.

"We had a couple of months of peace and I thought… She'd go out in the evenings sometimes and come back in the early hours but I was quite happy to babysit and then one day I was checking my bank statements and I found some entries I couldn't account for, nothing major but enough to make a dent. I asked her about them and she said she'd used my card to buy stuff that Jilly urgently needed. I told her it wasn't a problem but I'd appreciate it if she'd let me know in future. It was like lighting the blue touch paper on a firework, except I forgot to stand well back. She screamed at me, accusing me of not caring about her daughter and saying she'd be better off living elsewhere. She took a photo-frame with a photograph of the two of us and threw it at me before storming out of the room. I was angry and I went after her, prepared to throw her out there and then, but Jilly stopped me in my tracks. She was standing in the hallway staring at me and she looked so frightened…" Pausing again, he blew out a breath.

"We settled our differences in the end and I promised to give her money to spend on Jilly every month, just for necessities. I was already paying for all the food, utilities etc. not to mention the mortgage on this place and if you remember, working for the F.B.I. isn't the most lucrative job in the world."

"I remember."

"I was in the bullpen one afternoon when I got call from O.P.R. They wanted to know why I was racking up so much credit card debt and not meeting the monthly payments. They had copies of warning letters and statements to back them up. I was convinced my computer had been hacked again even though Tara insisted her firewall was impenetrable… I found out later that Lisa had taken out another card using one of those junk-mail deals. She'd used my name, given them my details and quoted the FB.I as a reference. I don't know if they ever called to check, if they did I was never told and all the transactions were carried out online, so there was never any need for a signature.

"She'd started out with all good intentions as always, using what I gave her to pay the required amount but somewhere along the line it had spiralled out of control. They'd kept increasing the credit limit until she was way out of her depth. I confronted her that night and in between the tears and apologies, she admitted there were more unpaid bills. She gave me a stack of letters and paperwork that she'd been hiding and swore that's all there was…

"She wasn't telling the truth?"

"No, but I didn't find that out until after… In the end I had to sell off a lot of my shares and bonds to clear the debt. Luckily my bank manager is an understanding guy and he arranged a loan to make up the shortfall but I had to ask D to stand as guarantor. He was happy to do it but it was one of the most humiliating moments of my life."

"Why not Bobby..?"

Jack almost laughed. "You're kidding, right? His credit history isn't much better than Lisa's was."

"Oh, the gambling thing… I forgot."

"How did you..?"

"I read lips, remember."

He squeezed her hand. "Good point."

"So, why didn't you ask her to leave?"

"I couldn't."

"Because of Jilly…"

"That, too…"

She frowned but didn't question him further.

"She promised me it would be the last time but she couldn't stop, it was an addiction… Then, ten months ago, I got a call from a neighbour to say that Lisa had asked her to mind Jilly because there was some sort of family emergency. She hadn't heard from her in hours and wasn't able to contact her. She agreed to keep Jilly a while longer until I could get hold of her mother or pick her up myself."

Sue could see he was getting more and more distressed and it was tearing at her but he needed to talk it out, so she gritted her teeth and held his hand a little tighter.

"I called her cell but she wasn't making a whole lot of sense. She kept apologising and saying that she loved both me and Jilly very much and she was sorry she was such a screw-up… I had the call traced to a tacky hotel on the other side of town and when I got there, there were black and whites and an ambulance outside. Even when Bobby came out of one of the rooms, I didn't put two and two together..." He paused again taking in slow steadying breaths.

"The rest is a bit of a blur… I remember asking what he was doing there and he told me he was sorry, but I didn't understand. I explained I was there looking for Lisa and he said something like, 'it's too late, mate…' I thought he meant she'd left, until Diana came over to offer her condolences and… I think I pushed her out of the way… Lisa was lying on the floor and one of the paramedics was packing up his gear. I asked if she was okay and he shook his head. He said that she was gone and I finally realised what Bobby had been trying to tell me. The room was spinning and someone pushed me down onto the bed. The paramedic was asking me questions but I couldn't… I think Bobby answered for me and said he'd look after me. They took her away and I wanted to go with her but they wouldn't let me…

"I don't know how long I sat there but gradually I began to notice other things like the empty pill bottles and the half-empty vodka bottle, a photograph of Jilly on the bed… Bobby said something about her leaving a note but at that point I couldn't care. All I kept thinking was there was a little girl at home and I had to tell her, her mother wasn't coming back. I was so damned angry."

"And you still can't forgive her?" Sue quickly brushed away a tear.

"No," his voice had risen again. "I can't forgive myself. Damn it Sue, she was my kid sister and she was in trouble, I should have been able to help her." Getting to his feet, he started to pace around the room. "I should have done something. If I'd only got there sooner, maybe I could have stopped her." He sat down heavily, putting his head in his hands. "It was months ago and yet it still hurts, so much. Every time I close my eyes I see her face…"

Sue did a double-take in her head to make sure she'd read him right. "Your sister..? Then that makes you Jilly's uncle. So, why..?"

"Does she call me, daddy?" he shook his head sadly. "I know I probably shouldn't let her, my mom certainly doesn't approve or at least she didn't until I explained. I told you before I'd do anything to make her happy, anything." For the first time since he'd started talking she could see tears in his eyes. "It was after the funeral. Bobby had finally left and Allie and Ray had gone back to their hotel. She climbed onto my lap, snuggling in as close as humanly possible and I just sat there holding her…

## "Mommy's gone."

"Yes sweetheart but she's still watching over you."

"Not the same."

"I know."

"And my daddy..?" ##

"I didn't know how to answer and in the end, I just said 'sorry'. She started to cry so I told her everything would be okay, she could stay with me and she asked if I'd be her daddy. How can you explain to a three-year-old about courts and guardianship and adoption? So I told her I was going to try very hard and that's when she asked if she could call me daddy.

"I should have said no and waited until everything was finalised but all I could see was a heartbroken and lost little girl, standing alone at her mother's graveside clutching a teddy bear and I couldn't do it. If the court decides to take her away now and put her with another family, I don't know what I'll do. I'm so scared I'm going to lose her too." Leaning back, he closed his eyes again and breathed deeply. "And I'm not sure I have the strength to fight anymore."

"You need to sleep, Jack. Bobby's right, if you don't slow down and give yourself a chance to heal, you're going to finish up back in the hospital."

"You think I don't know that? I just can't seem to make it through the night."

"You have to try, for Jilly's sake."

Downing the rest of his drink, he got to his feet and walked wearily to the door.

o-xxx-o

She spent the next half-hour clearing up, then got undressed and went to check on the girls, noticing that his light was still on.

The tap on the door surprised him and he automatically called for his visitor to come in, thinking it might be Jilly but when there was a delay he knew it was Sue. She walked in carrying one of the spare single duvets from the kids' room.

"Sue?"

"You shouldn't be alone tonight."

"I'm okay." The sadness in his eyes and his haggard appearance told her otherwise.

"Move over and turn onto your right side."

"You don't have to do this."

"Over…"

He did as he was asked and felt the mattress give as she lay down behind him on top of the covers and made herself comfortable with one arm resting against his back and her hand on his shoulder. He gave it a grateful squeeze and put out the lamp.

Sue was just dozing off when he switched it on again and turned slowly onto his back. "Jack?" She blinked furiously so that she could focus on his lips.

"There was nothing I could have done, was there? For Lisa…" he added at her confused expression.

"No," he could hear the certainty in her voice.

Nodding, he returned to his earlier position and turned off the light for the second time. Silent tears ran down his cheeks dampening his pillow and although she couldn't see them somehow Sue knew. She snuggled closer, resting her cheek against his back, her arm sliding round his waist to comfort him as he finally let go and cried himself to sleep.

o-xxx-o