38. Switch
Link and Tetra fell through the sky, arms outstretched. Whistling air filled their clothes, setting the fabric into a billowing flutter like the wind pushing sailcloth. They couldn't even see the ground yet. Just clouds. Maybe if they could see the ground, they'd feel a whole lot more scared.
"What's happening now?" Tetra called, as she struggled to stop herself from gulping in too much cold air. "Where is everyone? How did we get here?"
"It's Von JoBo," Link replied. "He's making us switch scenes. Also, some people are reading this chapter twice due to a screw-up."
Tetra didn't catch that last sentence. "Von JoBo?" she said. "He's dead."
"Guess not," said Link. "But I think he might be a bit miffed with us."
"Obviously."
"It's not that," Link replied. "It's -
A choral voice began to sing a single note, filling their ears.
"What now?" said Tetra.
"Hold on tight, Captain," Link said softly. "I don't think this chapter is going to be very big on sanity."
The clouds parted.
Giant yellow words headed their way.
The Toonsons
The choral voice intoned the words as a light ditty kicked in. Images flashed in time to the tune.
Link found himself in front of a blackboard, chalk in hand, repeatedly writing the line, 'I MUST NOT HATE ON BREATH OF THE WILD.' A bell rang. Grinning, Link dived out of a nearby door, and slid out of the building on a skateboard.
Tetra stood holding a supermarket trolley as a bored cashier checked through her goods. The pirate captain looked down at herself.
"What kind of dress is this?" she said. Tetra looked around. "Why is everyone yellow?" She looked up. "Why do I have a massive blue beehive on my head?"
She felt the trolley jolt as something was dumped into it. Tetra heard the rhythmic sound of a toothless mouth sucking. She looked, blinked, then looked again.
"And why," she said, "do I have a baby?!"
SWITCH
"Link," said Tetra, frowning. "Everything's changed again. You're bobbing your head. Stop it." She gazed around. "And what is that beat…?"
Link inhaled. "Now this is a story all about how,
My life got flipped, turned upside down,
And I'd like to take a minute,
Just sit right there,
And I'll tell you how I became the Hero of Fresh Air."
Tetra arched one eyebrow. "O…kay."
Link took in another breath. "In Outset Island,
Born and raised,
In my sister's lookout,
Is where I spent most of my days,
Chillin out, sleepin, avoiding my chores,
And shooting out ZZZs instead of attending school.
When a big giant bird who was up to no good,
Started making trouble in my neighbourhood,
My sister got kidnapped,
And Grandma got scared,
She said, 'It's time for you to become the Hero of Legend.'"
SWITCH
Link curled his hands around the metal bars and stared glumly out of the cage. "What shall we do now, Tetra?"
"The same thing we do every night, Linky," she replied. "Try to take over the world."
They're Linky and Elaine.
"Tetra."
Yes, Linky and Elaine.
"Tetra!"
One is a pirate. The other's insane.
"Hey!" cried Link.
To prove their toon-ey worth
They'll overthrow the Earth.
They're dinky
They're Linky and Elaine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine, Laine.
"TETRA!"
SWITCH
"Whoa!" said the captain as she tried to keep steady. They were flying, the two of them, swooping over deserts and mountains, sitting on a –
"Carpet?" she said, clutching the thin, richly-woven piece of fabric in panic. It rippled in the cool current of night air. Tetra looked down at herself. "What the heck am I wearing? I feel so naked." She looked up at Link. "And what's that on your head?"
The stars sped by overhead. Link coughed, then filled his lungs with air. "I can show you the world…"
Tetra narrowed a single eye. "You can?"
"Shining, shimmering, splendid. Tell me, Princess –"
"Tetra."
"- now when did you last let your heart decide?"
"Well, probably breakfast time, actua-"
SWITCH
Link and Tetra floated in the eye of a hurricane, a kaleidoscope of myriad images swirling around them, accompanied by, on one hand, glowing text that hovered, silent or, on the other, a cacophony of noise, a melting pot of voices.
Toto, said one such voice, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...
"I don't get it, Link," said Tetra.
"This is bad," he replied, voice thoughtful.
If you only face forward, said another voice, there is something you will miss seeing.
"What is?"
Rosebud...
"He's not only changing scenes," said Link in response, "but he's controlling what we do in those scenes as well."
"That explained nothing," said Tetra.
I see dead people...
"All you need to know," said Link, "is that the Baron is playing us."
No, I am your father...
"It's weird," Link went on. "The Hero of Time thought the Baron would go after him and his princess."
But our princess is in another castle...
"Instead," said Tetra. "He's isolated the two of us."
Honey, where's my super suit...?
Link noticed that she was clutching his sleeve. He blinked. It was rare for Tetra to ever show weakness, but when she did, Link noticed it was always when she was with him. He felt...oddly touched.
I don't know what exactly I'll be able to do for you, but I'll always be by your side...
"Link," said Tetra. "How do we get out of this one...?"
No matter how disgraceful or embarrassing it may be, you need to keep struggling to find your way out until the very end...
"So many worlds," said Link, the blur of colours reflecting off of his widened eyes. "So many opportunities. All of time and space. Where will we end up next…?"
SWITCH
It was raining. Link hung upside down in an alleyway, Tetra just inches from his face, her hair plastered to her head. Sirens bleated somewhere in the distance. The stars above were blotted out by a thin haze.
Link looked into Tetra's eyes. Tetra looked into Link's eyes.
"Err," said Tetra. "Why are standing this close?"
"Um," said Link. "I'm actually hanging. You're standing."
"This is...weird."
Link felt something deep within his chest flutter. He cleared his throat noisily. "Don't you…um… think there's some sort of, like…unresolved tension here…? Some sub-text we're supposed to be acting on…?"
"Right," said Tetra, then stumbled over her words. "I mean, no. Not right. I mean…Okay, I'm moving away now."
"Okay," Link replied, voice soft. "You do that."
Their eyes locked again.
"Moving…away…" breathed Tetra. Her lower lip trembled.
"Yeah... I can see you." Link blinked away rain. "Moving…"
"Any second n-"
"Hey!" cried Link, making Tetra jump. His eyes widened, and he snapped his fingers. "I know what this is! I'm hanging from a web!" He stared at her. "MJ!"
"Web?" Tetra looked up, blinking as droplets of rain stung her eyes. "No, you're not, Link. You've got your feet on a rusty old ladder that's about to snap. And what's an MJ?"
Link looked down at his boots.
The ladder snapped.
"Oof!" he cried, hitting the damp ground. Link bounced back up, brushed himself down, and then turned to –
"Tetra…?" He whirled around. Headlights cut into the darkness for a heartbeat. Tyres splashed puddles somewhere nearby. The alley was empty. Tetra was gone. A familiar laugh hung in the air, then faded just as quickly as it had appeared.
Link curled a single hand into a fist. "Von JoBo," he growled. "What have you done now?"
The only was response was another downpour of rain. Link sighed. "Soaked to the bone. Standing in a puddle. No one needs to tell me I'm in deep, deep trouble."
Link marched out into the street beyond. Lights and noise assaulted him. People strolled by, wrapped up and huddled together for warmth. Curious eyes fixed in on him. Some laughed.
"Is he…" said one person, "…dressed like an elf?"
A loud chime sounded. Link looked up to see the face of a huge illuminated clock tower in the near distance. He knew then where he was.
"Big Ben," he muttered. "Figures. The narrative would only write about a city he knows."
When he dropped his eyes again, a buzzing neon sign caught his attention. 'Internet Café,' it proclaimed. Link dashed across the rain-soaked road, dodging honking black taxis with their chugging engines and cursing drivers; and ignoring the stares and giggles he drew. Fumes from an old, red bus made him splutter and cough. He reached the other side and shook his head.
A bell tinkled as Link opened the door to the café. It was dim inside with rows of people sat hunched in front of their monitors, their faces shrouded in an eerie blue glow. The only sound was the tapping of keys, punctuated by the occasional laugh from someone conversing into a microphone.
Link walked up to the counter. On the dirty, wooden surface was a pair of sunglasses. Behind, sat a large, bored woman with eyes drained of life. She had her chin rested on one palm.
"Fiver for fifteen minutes," she drawled.
"Bit extortionate."
"Not bothered. Do I look bothered? Trust me, I'm not."
"Do you take rupees?"
"We're not in India, darling. Pounds and pennies only. Or Euros, if you're that way inclined."
Link sighed. He picked up the sunglasses, then put them on. "I'll be back."
The woman snatched the glasses back. "You do that, Arnold," she said. "But not with my shades, luv."
Outside, Link spotted a glowing scarlet circle set on a pole near some descending stairs. "The Underground," he whispered. An idea popped into his head. Link headed over, and hurried down the steps.
"Hey, mate," a young man on the way up cawed. "Where's Santa?" He and his friend burst into a peal of drunken laughter.
"Hilarious," muttered Link in a blank voice. Finding a dry spot in the damp-smelling subway, he sat himself down, and placed his hat by his feet, pausing only to pull a guitar out from inside it.
Link swallowed, coughed, then began. "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack –"
Sixteen hours later…
A bleary-eyed Link trudged back into the café. The woman behind the counter was still there, seemingly having not changed her posture even an inch. Link slid the single five pound note over the grainy, wooden surface. The woman looked down at it, unimpressed.
"Number six. Fifteen minutes," she said. The woman, her expression eternally empty, looked at him. "You done a spot of busking, luv?"
"I have."
"And someone paid you five whole pounds in one go?"
"To shut up, yes."
The woman nodded sagely. "Why are you dressed like a gnome?"
"Elf," a weary Link replied, and then turned away.
He found the computer in question, sat down, grimaced as he looked down at the stained, sticky keyboard, threaded his fingers together and cracked his knuckles, then went to work.
"Google…" he mumbled as he typed. "Fan…fiction…dot…net…" His fingers danced over the keys. "Legend of Zelda…scroll down…hmm…'The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord'…Might need to bookmark that one. Okay…keep scrolling ...Yaoi. Don't recall that in the game…Ah ha! Pirate Smash!"
Link tapped the keys. "Chapter…thirty…eight. And now…scroll to the end. Oh wait, what's this?" He read the words out. "'And then the café's windows shattered under a sudden, swift hail of bullets.'"
And then the café's windows shattered under a sudden, swift hail of bullets. People screamed and ran for the door. Even the counter lady managed to drudge up the motivation to move herself.
Link's jaw dropped, and he dived quickly under a table. Sparks spat when the monitors blew under a second barrage. Sirens sounded somewhere in the distance. Shouts hung in the air outside.
Link waited, huddled in his spot. The café had emptied now. Smoke drifted, accompanied by the sound of buzzing electrics and the dying twitch of some remaining sparks.
Link took a tentative peek out from under the table – just in time to hear glass splinters crunch under someone's boots. Link spun upright - but something hard hit him straight on his head.
He sank down, down, down into darkness.