Disclaimer: I do now own AHS.
A/N: A lot of you guys reminded me that it's been an entire year since I first uploaded Dear Johnny, holy cow! An entire year? Wowwwww. That's so crazy! It's funny because it's around this time that I first published Dear Father back in 2013. Can't believe time went by so fast. Wow.
But seriously, let me just thank all of you who have been reading since DF first started and have continued to read my work since. Also those of you who joined after. I love you all!
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CH 37- Roads Ahead
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MARCH 1968
Lana had stopped the car in a rest stop just outside of Fort Wayne, Indiana. They had been on the road for days but still had a long way to go. Lana pressed out the map on the hood of her pearly white convertible 1965 Plymouth Valiant. She followed the chosen highway with the tip of her finger, with her other free hand, she pushed up her stylish black shades.
She was dressed for the road in jeans, a short-sleeved shirt and her hair was tied up in a ponytail with a red bandana tied around it. The heat bore down heavily against her back.
"Okay, if we follow this highway, we should be in Des Moines, hopefully by tonight. Tomorrow if we keep making so many stops." She said to herself.
Lana stood straight and brushed her forehead with the back of her hand, sure of herself.
It had been awfully hot for the month of March; Lana contributed it to the fact that they were no longer in Boston and the more southern states had warmer weather. Whatever the case, she had been driving with the windows down for the past fifty-five miles.
It was early in the afternoon. They had left Pittsburgh early in the morning to be able to make the five-hour drive without hitting heavy traffic. Lana wanted to get to California safely but she did want to make some stops along the way. After all, it was their vacation.
After receiving her sister's letter, Lana strode into Lou's office and informed him that she was taking some much needed time off. Lou took one look at her sleep-deprived face and didn't argue. He gave her three weeks and then said she had to be back to work at her best tiptop shape. Lana agreed.
So Lana packed everything and hit the road. It had been three days since they left Boston and only thirteen hours from there to Fort Wayne but Lana had wanted to stop in New York for a day. The rest of the time was divided in multiple pit stops along the way. Lana wasn't surprised that Johnny couldn't sit still for too long.
She glanced up through the front window to see the little boy asleep in the back seat of the car. He slept with his back against the seat and his head hung in front of him. His cheeks were rosy red from the heat and he wore overalls and a white sleeveless A shirt. He had thrown up on his previous shirt from eating too much rice pudding in the diner back in Mansfield where they had stopped for breakfast and Lana had only briefly changed him after hastily cleaning him up.
He seemed fine after so they hit the road again.
Lana had decided on driving herself instead of taking the train to California. She found that she needed the time to herself and to her son. She had been feeling rather off since that night in the bar with that stranger woman that she needed to reconnect with herself again.
Oliver's ghost had shouted at her as she left the apartment the morning of their departure. He so cruelly told her that she was running away from her problems instead of facing them.
"You can't keep running, Lana." His voice trickled down her back, making her shiver.
Lana wasn't running away, or so she thought. She was taking a break, a breather, a vacation, a moment to find herself again. Also, she could use the time to be with her son.
The day before she made her decision, Johnny had called her "Yana". Not "Mama" or "Nana" like he used to before. It was a step closer to her first name and Lana had realized how fast the boy was growing. Too fast and she was missing it by spending so much time at work just wasting time on useless articles.
Lana wasn't escaping her problems. She was finding solutions to them.
Plus, she got to bond more with her son. Just the two of them on the open road. Of course Johnny would have no memory of their trip when he got older but Lana would. She had taken the camera Barb gave her with them to snap all the moments she could. It was going to be great.
Johnny was behaving himself so far. He loved car rides but couldn't handle them very well after a couple of hours. He would grow restless and squirm around. He also had a bad habit of trying to climb onto Lana's lap as she drove and control the steering wheel himself. It was cute the first time he tried to do it but the rest were life threatening hazards.
Lana had given him a bottle and he had fallen asleep while they drove through Fort Wayne.
Seeing different states and cities was rather strange to Lana. They all looked different and had different atmospheres— as if she had entered an entirely different dimension all together. She just couldn't imagine herself living in any of the places they had visited or driven through—except New York of course. Lana would always have a soft spot for New York.
Lana folded the map and walked to the driver's seat where she reached in through the open window and pulled out a bottle of Coke-a-Cola. She opened it with a bottle opener and sat at the hood of her car, overlooking the rest stop where the restrooms were stationed next to a small picnic area.
There was a small billboard with a map labeled "YOU ARE HERE". On top of it was a sign that read "WAYNE HILLS REST STOP".
Indiana was so different from Massachusetts and Lana was sure that California would be too. She hadn't told Margo that they were visiting, she wanted to surprise her. Lana knew it wouldn't be prudent to arrive unannounced but she wanted to see the look on her sister's face when she saw them on their doorstep. She would be beyond happy. And besides, Margo would die with worry if she knew Lana was driving cross-country to reach them. She wouldn't allow it.
Lana took a drink from her soda, letting the fresh drink cool her down from the heat. She too needed a break from driving. Lana made sure she was always well rested and awake when she hit the road. Once she felt just the slightest bit of sleepiness, she stopped for the night or visited a rest stop or even a roadside diner.
Lana drank her soda in peace, listening to the music coming from her radio inside the car. The day was warm and sunny. She hoped it stayed like that for the rest of their drive; however, it had been pretty gloomy just leaving Ohio. She had heard at a gas station that it had been raining non-stop in Defiance.
The weather sure had been strange but she was glad the cloudy weather hadn't followed them past Fort Wayne on their way to Des Moines. Their drive there would be a bit over seven hours and Lana was preparing for the long drive but knew if they continued to make multiple pit stops, they wouldn't reach Des Moines until midnight or possibly until morning if she became too tired to drive.
When she finished her drink, Lana threw the bottle away in the trash and hopped back into the car.
Johnny woke up when she turned on the engine and hit the road. He gave a little startle as he woke and looked around to make sure his mother was still in sight and then slowly started to doze off again. Lana was glad; she wanted to cover as much ground as possible before he became restless again.
Jerry Lee Lewis was playing on the radio and Lana had the driver's window down, letting in the warm Indiana air. The majority of the scenery was nothing but green crops and patches of trees. Lana drive by the occasional farm or sign that lead to the entrance of a small town.
WELCOME TO WARSAW
WELCOME TO BOURBON
WELCOME TO PLYMOUTH
After a while, Lana stopped reading the signs and kept her eyes on the road ahead of her. She grew bored with the passing minutes and rested her arm against the door and her chin on her fist, driving with one hand.
Jerry Lee Lewis turned into other artists and Lana turned off the radio, switching it to the 8-track player where a cassette of Johnny Cash played. Johnny slowly began to wake from his long nap to the sound of his voice and glanced out of the backseat window to see the Indiana planes in the distance.
Lana glanced up to the rear view mirror and smiled behind her shades, "Hello, Johnny."
"Hi, Mama." He replied in a still groggy voice.
Lana chuckled and continued to drive, letting the music lift her mood.
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"Ring of Fire" played through the car as they drove past Portage and Hammond. Johnny remained in the back seat with his stuffed moose in arms, pointing at things he saw through the window. Mostly cars that caught his interest and cows grazing in plains along the highway.
Johnny smiled and giggled when the 8-track played "Folsom Prison Blues". He clapped when Lana asked him if he liked the song and put the volume just a little bit higher.
"Don't ever play with guns, little boy." She joked. Johnny laughed and kicked his legs, in a much better mood than he had been earlier that day. Lana too was feeling elated.
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Lana stopped the car at a roadside diner for lunch just past Joliet. She pulled Johnny out of the backseat and closed the door shut.
Johnny looked at the diner and babbled another one of his incoherent words. Before they sat down, Lana took Johnny to the restroom to change his diaper and freshen up.
When they were done, they sat in a big red booth. The waitress came and placed two menus on the table. "Evenin' ma'am, would you like anythin' to drink?"
Lana thought that it was odd that she left two menus so she picked one up and handed it back, "A soda pop. Any kind will do."
The waitress wrote the order down on her pad and then raised a brow at the menu Lana was handing back. "Won't you need it, Ma'am?"
"No." Lana said, "Just the one is fine."
"What about your husband? Sure he'd like to order once he gets in. Parkin' the car?"
Lana looked to Johnny who had crawled to the far end of the booth to place his hands on the window and look out.
"Um. No." Lana said, "My husband's not parking the car. Come to think of it, I don't know where he is." She gave the waitress a nervous laugh followed by a sheepish smile, "He went out for cigarettes about two years ago and hasn't come back. I do wish he'd hurry back though."
The waitress bit her bottom lip and gave Lana an apologetic look. "I'll bring that soda pop right away." She took the extra menu and left.
"Thank you." Lana said politely and turned to look at her son.
Sometimes it was just easier to tell people that her son's father had run out on them. She didn't want to have to explain the truth to people. Some people just didn't take the news of a lesbian raped and impregnated by a serial killer very well. So the white lie was just better for everyone.
When the waitress came back, she placed the cherry coke on the table and asked Lana if she would like a high chair for the boy but Lana declined, knowing he would only climb out of it so she let Johnny sit on her lap and eat off her plate.
Lana ordered soup, a sandwich, fries and a soda pop. Johnny mostly munched on fries and had a few sips of soup and soda. Lana couldn't help but to glance out of the large window into the highway where an occasional car drove by.
The night before, as they checked into a room in Pittsburgh, the strangest thing had happened. Johnny was fast asleep in his stroller and Lana was at the reception desk booking their room. She had noticed two women in the lobby but had thought nothing of it. When she went up to their room for the night with a sleeping Johnny in arms, she saw the same two women kissing down the hall from her room. One of them had seen Lana but made no effort to push the other woman away. She just stared at Lana and after a moment, a smirk played along her lips and she continued to kiss the other woman.
Lana turned away and carried her son into the room, closing the door behind her. It was such a strange thing. It had left Lana wondering if that woman had known that Lana was one of them, or else she wouldn't of been so bold about the entire situation. It truly left her wondering.
However, when she left the hotel early the next morning, she didn't see the two women again.
"Mama?" Johnny called Lana's attention back to him.
"Hmm?"
Johnny sat on her lap, his back to her chest. He turned his body halfway and raised a fry to Lana's mouth. She took a bite out of it without hesitating and chewed it, her mind still on the other matter. Johnny giggled to himself and ate the rest of the fry, occasionally dipping it in ketchup all by himself.
"Yum?" he asked.
"Yum." Lana said.
Lana finished her sandwich and let Johnny finish all the fries he wanted as well as the soup until he was full and ready to go. She wanted to get back on the road and get to Des Moines to spend the night. She didn't want to drive at night at the risk of falling asleep.
So after Johnny was done, Lana paid the bill, left a tip and hit the road. They made another stop in Dayton to change Johnny's diaper, freshen up, and fill the car's tank again. Lana got some snacks for Johnny and continued again.
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They managed to reach Des Moines, Iowa sometime before midnight. Lana found the closest motel and checked out a room. Johnny was wide awake by the time they reached their room on the second floor.
Lana entered the one bedroom and set both Johnny and a bag of snacks and drinks down on the bed. Johnny jumped up to his feet and jumped up and down on the bed.
"Johnny, no jumping." Lana told him as she went to lock the door with double lock and inspected the rest of the room.
The motel room wasn't as elegant as the one in Pittsburgh but Lana didn't really mind as long as they had somewhere to spend the night. The bed was a queen and there were two nightstands on either side. Lana was positive that if she opened one of the nightstands, she would find a small bible. The bathroom was a decent size with no tub, only the shower. Clean towels hung on the towel rack and were folded neatly on top of the toilet. There were also little soaps and shampoos ready to be used.
The room had a strange smell to it. It smelled of disinfectant and cheap flower spray to mask the scent of cigarette smoke. Lana caught her reflection in the mirror; she was exhausted with under eye circles from driving so late at night. However, her red lipstick was still intact with the rest of her make up. She could hear Johnny giggling in the other room. He was loving all the different rooms and beds.
Lana washed her face in the sink and dried it with a clean towel. She then met Johnny in the other room where he was still jumping on the bed. She sat him down and changed him into his pajamas, too exhausted to get him bathed that night. A morning shower would have to do.
Lana turned on the TV and let Johnny watch cartoons while she made him a new bottle. She had picked up some snacks at the gas station in case they got hungry. Lana snacked on some cookies and orange juice while she sat on the bed with Johnny. He munched on a cookie but didn't finish it, giving it back to Lana. He always gave his unwanted treats back to her.
Finally, when he knocked out, Lana tucked him in. She brushed her teeth first and then got into bed with him, turning the lights off and bringing the blanket up to their chests. Johnny slept so soundly besides her.
The blanket felt a little stale after multiple washes but it didn't take Lana long to fall asleep.
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Lana opened her eyes greeting the pale ceiling above her. There was a strong pressure on her chest and she struggled to move her body. Waves of black smoke covered her vision. Hallucinations of the mind.
She closed her eyes, avoiding the fear she felt so presently before. There was a stench in the air she recognized but could not pinpoint. It was strong and made her nose flinch. Metal and formaldehyde.
Lana tugged at her arms and heard the familiar clanking of metal chains. Her heartbeat accelerated, bouncing off the white walls and her body began to tremble. Lana felt a fear so strong rattle her body and almost break it in two. It was a physical fear, one that she could feel in her very conscious mind, as if it had been present in every aspect of her being. She was so aware of it and the thought alone terrified her.
The familiar room began to spin the more Lana realized where she was. She tugged at her limbs but they did not respond, she only heard the clanking of chains that followed after her failed attempts.
Lana tried to speak out but her voice caught itself in the back of her throat.
She thrashed about, attempting to cry out as the tears swelled in her shut eyes, threatening to break. She had never left. She was still there.
Then suddenly, she heard it.
The helpless high-pitched wails of a newborn child.
Lana stopped.
The clinking of the chains came to a halt and the basement was once again silent.
She listened closely, following the cries that lead her vision up the stairs to the basement door.
She didn't know why but Lana knew the cries were calling out to her.
"Please—" She finally found her voice, "Please give him back!"
Lana heard the sound of her voice and didn't recognize it. She felt her body but couldn't control it. It was as if the strange woman she was inside of wasn't really her but someone else and her soul was merely watching from the sidelines.
It was her but at the same time, it wasn't. It was such a strange feeling.
And the child she cried for, she had never seen or held but she knew he was hers. And she needed him.
"Now, now," Came the foreign voice, "Don't fret."
She could barely make out what he was saying.
"Please." She begged, "He's mine, please."
Hands appeared on her arms; strong hands with calloused fingers that had seen plenty of work in their day. Cuts and scars inflicted by knives and scalpels. Just tiny little incidents that occurred when a patient squirmed or flinched without warning. Lana had become very familiar with those hands. And those hands had become very familiar with her.
But she could not see his face. It was hidden behind a blurry cloud of tears and dark miasma.
Nonetheless, she looked up at his face, her eyes swelled with tears and her swollen lips trembled.
"Please."
The word hung so desperately in the air. And she knew it.
The child's crying grew louder and louder and the desperation grew even more.
"Lay still now," he said, "I don't want to mess up this time."
He raised a sharp, shinning scalpel in the air, inches from Lana's face.
Lana felt the scream lodge itself in her throat and escape through her lips.
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Lana's eyes burst wide open and the first thing she heard besides the beating of her heart in her ears was the sound of cartoons.
Out of habit, she reached her hand out to the side of the bed but found it empty. She immediately sat up to see him across the bed, standing in front of the television screen. He had found a way to turn it on and was now standing in front of it with a bottle in his mouth.
Lana stared at her son for a moment. The little boy stood with his back to her, he was barefoot and wore nothing but a diaper and the pajama shirt she had changed him into. She had no idea where he had discarded his pajamas pants. With one hand he held the bottle of juice to his mouth and with the other he held the moose by a back leg. It hung upside down in the air, its face brushing the carpet.
Lana exhaled a long breath she had been holding. It was just a dream, she thought, thank goodness it was only a dream.
"Hey you." She spoke in a still groggy voice.
Johnny turned around and a smile spread behind the bottle.
"What are you doing over there?"
Johnny giddily hopped from one foot to the other and turned back to the cartoons. How he loved to see that cat and mouse wail on each other. Lana would never understand why.
Lana turned to look at the clock on the nightstand. 7:32 AM. She had overslept but it wasn't a big deal. They would hit the road when she was fresh and ready. Besides, Lana didn't mind staying in Des Moines for a while and possibly do some sight seeing. Maybe she could take Johnny out for breakfast and then take him to the park she had seen the night before when she drove into town.
She would worry about returning to the road later. Besides, Johnny needed to stretch out those long gangly legs of his.
So when Lana got out of bed, she turned on the shower and got in it with Johnny. She had often done it to save time and water on a busy day. Not to mention it was easier to keep an eye on him.
She washed his hair with shampoo she had brought with them and rinsed him down. Johnny laughed when the water from the shower head fell upon him. He had woken up in a brilliant mood and Lana wished she could say the same for herself. The dream had left her uneasy.
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They spent the greater part of the day downtown, visiting outside shopping centers. They had breakfast in this quaint mom and pop restaurant. Lana got Johnny a waffle and she had some oatmeal and fruit. After, they went to the park where she pushed Johnny on the swings for a good forty-five minutes.
As she pushed Johnny on the swing, Lana looked around. Mothers supervised their children from benches near by. The weather was warm and sunny, not too hot either. The sky was covered in brilliant white clouds. It was a lovely, peaceful day but what Lana liked most about it was how no one knew them.
None of those mothers recognized her. They didn't know if she was single or married. If she was a single mother of not. They had no clue whom Lana was. As far as they were concerned, she was a happily married woman taking her son out to play while her husband was at work. And that was okay with her. It wasn't permanent, they were just passing by.
In the afternoon, Lana took Johnny to an outdoor shopping mall where they looked around. She let him walk in front of her to get the rest of his wiggles out. They visited a few shops and Lana bought a nice bracelet for her sister. She was sure Margo would like it. She then bought a nice leather wallet for her husband. After all, David had been so kind to Johnny.
Lana wondered if Johnny would remember them both. Well, there was only one way to find out.
As the day went on, the warm weather cooled down and Lana ended up buying Johnny a sweater in a children's store at the indoor mall to keep him warm. By that time, Johnny was fast asleep in his mother's arms. Lana had thought of taking the stroller with them but she wanted Johnny to tire himself out.
Des Moines was such a lovely city. It was far different than Boston and Lana could almost imagine herself starting over in such a place.
She rubbed Johnny's back softly as he slept and wondered how different would their lives be in a different place? How much better off would they be?
At one point during the evening, Lana returned to the motel with a still sleeping Johnny and all their new purchases. She laid the boy on the bed and packed away the bracelet and the wallet in her suitcase. She then turned on the television and sat on the bed, resting her back against the headboard.
Johnny slept on his back with both hands rested above him. His little tummy went up and down with every breath. He had worn himself out completely.
Lana remained on the cartoon channel, not bothering to get up and change it. She too was tired and slowly began to close her eyes.
Lana could hear the radio playing from the next room over. The music was soft and angelic, some kind of foreign music. Possibly Italian. Lana couldn't quite tell for it sounded muffled but it made her feel at peace and she slowly started to drift into sleep.
"You're gonna write about this, and you're gonna win a Pulitzer Prize. I just know, it Lana. You are the person to tell my story."
His voice returned to her as she slept.
"Normally, by now I would've... removed the skin. And head. But we need to keep her around a little longer for our purposes. We're going to continue our therapy now, Lana."
She could see flashes of his face in her dreams. His voice was so clear.
"Nutmeg makes all the difference in the world."
Lana twisted and turned in her sleep.
"Now that you're here, all of that work is behind me, Mommy."
She felt his hands on her body and woke with a jolt and a gasp.
Lana looked around the empty motel room. The sun had begun to set and an orange light seeped in through the blinds. Johnny was still asleep besides her. Lana closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She propped up on one elbow and brushed her hair back, wiping the sweat off her forehead.
She hadn't dreamt of Oliver in so long, why now? Why?
Lana took in a deep breath and exhaled. "I fucking hate nutmeg." She said and stood off the bed.
Lana had planned to spend a second night in Des Moines but after that horrid flash of memories that she could have sworn were nightmares, she gathered all of their things and packed them in the car. She couldn't stand another night dreaming of Oliver.
She softly woke her son and buckled him in the back seat. Johnny was grumpy from being woken up but managed to fall back asleep as Lana pulled out of the motel parking lot. She had checked out and dropped the key off at reception without a further word.
She drove the car out of Des Moines without looking back. What a lovely city it was and what a lovely visit it had been. Too bad Oliver was always there to ruin her happiness.
Lana didn't care. She just kept driving. She drove until the sun fully set and night took over and she wasn't planning on stopping. She was going to drive all night, anything to avoid seeing his face in her dreams again.
Lana drove out of Iowa and straight into Nebraska. She stopped in Lincoln to buy something to eat. Johnny was going hungry and needed a diaper change.
Lana stopped the car in a burger joint. She went in to change his diaper and then back to the car where a girl in roller skates stopped by and took their order. She then drove them to a small hill where other cars were parked overlooking the city lights.
Lana turned on the radio and let the music play as Johnny sat in the passenger seat to eat along side her. He baby babbled all kinds of things as he munched and picked at his food. Lana ate her burger in silence, once or twice responding to her son's babbles.
When they were done eating, Johnny climbed on Lana's lap and looked out into the city lights. His little toddler world had been turned upside down so quickly with the sudden road trip but he was adapting well to life on the road.
He rested his cheek against Lana's shoulder and gave out a soft little sigh. He was done for the night.
"I admire your pluck. It's a quality I hope you'll pass on to our child."
Lana tensed at the words she remembered so perfectly. How she hated Oliver for everything he was, everything he stood for and everything he had done to her.
Lana tried to remind herself that Oliver was dead. She had shot him and he was rotting in some forgotten grave six feet under. Still, she couldn't help to wonder about him.
If he were still alive…if he were in Johnny's life…
Would he have been a good father?
Lana tensed.
"No." She shook her head and sat up straight, carefully switching Johnny in her arms, "My child has no father." She looked down at the sleeping boy's face. "Just me."
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Once Johnny was secured in the back seat, Lana drove the car out of town and continued down the dark high way. The music in the radio phased in the background, her thoughts too clouded to make sense of the music.
The Nebraska sky was littered with sparkling stars and a moon so present. And Lana just drove, she drove into the night, moving faster and faster away from the thoughts and the "what ifs".
Maybe, just maybe she was trying to run away from it all.
Whatever the case, she knew she couldn't run far.
Bloody Face would be a part of her forever.
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