Serena sat with Albus in his office, a large glass of brandy each.
"that must have been so hard for you," he said kindly.
"I feel so empty" she said quietly.
"but as you said so very gallantly, we must pick ourselves up, you must walk on."
"he would want me to be happy, right?" she said smiling at the idiom.
"he would want you to live your life to the full."
"and that means… moving on…"
"it does, but in your own time."
"my own time. How do you define that? How do you know when the right time is? When you should stop grieving, should stop crying at the sound of his name?"
"You shall know when the time comes, in the mean time… just divert your mind and soon… you will feel ready to move on."
"and then what? If I do ever find someone, how could I not compare them to him, how can I not feel guilty about doing that to Kingsley? How on god's earth could I ever love someone as much as him?"
"Serena…" he leaned across to look at her closely. "Your love for Kingsley will never die. But everyone is different, you can love again but… love is immeasurable."
"immeasurable" she repeated. "you're right Albus, you're right. I… how could I even…"
"When the right man comes along, or you realise your feelings for someone… You will know, and you won't be able to stop it- you said yourself, love is unstoppable."
"I just… I can't imagine myself being with another man… not after Kingsley…"
"you just need time, you can't live your life in the past forever."
"time shall heal," she said quietly. "that's what Severus keeps telling me."
"he is right."
"he is… quite brilliant. Him and Remus have been so great these past few days, I could not have asked for more."
Albus nodded, knowing his plan was in motion and that Severus was making a good impression on her. He knew the man could care, deep down- if he found the right girl, which it seemed he had.
At five o' clock Serena left Albus' and went back to her own office. She changed into muggle jeans and a long white shirt, rolled up at the sleeves and open at the neck. She wanted to make a contrast, between the depressing, mourning black, and her new white- the hope, the peace, the calm. She was just tying a white ribbon into her hair when there was a knock on the door. "come in."
It was Severus, back in his normal teaching robes. "I am simply here to collect my belongings."
"sure.'
He came in and picked up his bag. "are you going somewhere?"
"just for dinner, would you like to join me?"
"I shall walk you there, but I will eat later tonight."
"okay, hang on."
She went back to the mirror and tied the bow in her hair.
"you look…" Severus trailed off, his words would seem pathetic but she smiled at him in the mirror slightly.
"oh, here" he said, drawing her wand from his cloak. "this is yours."
She took it from him smiling. "I've missed it. You don't notice do you? When you're young and you have not yet been told about Hogwarts… you feel so powerful practising the natural magic you have with you, thinking that's all you need, but when you get your wand it's like after that moment you can't live without it. It becomes part of you… does that make sense?"
"it does. But magically a wand does become part of you. It chooses you."
"It chooses you" she repeated thoughtfully.
Severus raised his eyebrows at her languid expression but said nothing.
They walked together, Serena keeping her mind distracted, either counting her footsteps or trying to memorise paintings.
Severus felt her tension. "are you sure you want to eat in the great hall?"
"I am not hiding."
"it would not be seen as hiding, it would be understandable."
"I want to get back to normal. Speaking of which, has Albus said I am safe to be alone now?"
"I don't believe it was just for safety," Severus said, then regretting it.
Luckily for him, Serena did not fully understand what he meant.
"but yes, he has."
"good, I do not wish to be a nuisance."
"you are not a nuisance."
Silence.
"why do you hate Remus and Sirius?" she asked curiously as they reached the doors.
Severus had always admired her straight forward, abrupt approach, but not this time. "good evening, Miss Lake" he said, bowing to her slightly and then turning and walking back to his office.
She smiled slightly at his exit and then took a deep breath, walking into the hall, her head held high. She walked quickly to a bench and sat down, taking a lemon tart immediately, her eyes on her plate. She felt gazes and heard whispers but she did not let them bother her, instead she counted the number of windows around the room, and then the number of window panes. She ate quickly, not really tasting the food and then she went back to her office.
She was shattered, absolutely out of it and she changed into her pyjamas despite it only being early evening. She decided to sleep, so she set her alarm for ten the next day and curled up under the covers. It was so horrible, sleeping alone and she ended up clinging onto Kingsley's pillow, tears escaping from the corners of her eyes. She soon slipped into the dark unconscious and her tears dried on his pillow.
"shit."
The alarm awoke her the next morning, reminding her she had decided to teach. She had a banging head ache and felt like crap but she had to make the effort. She showered and changed into deep purple robes, grabbed her lesson plan and hurried out to her office. Her class were waiting for her and they all fell silent as she walked in. She sat on top of her desk and looked out at all their faces, expressions ranging from shock to pity.
"I know you weren't expecting me today, but I am concerned we have not finished our syllabus and I would like you to learn the summoning charm by the end of term. It's a difficult spell, but as long as you have the concentration it becomes easier." Just like time, she thought. "The incantation is 'accio' can you all repeat- without wands please."
The class repeated the word in unison, as everyone had with Kingsley's name yesterday. She swallowed her feelings.
"I shall demonstrate." She cast the spell aloud a few times and then set her class to practise.
They were extremely well behaved and she wondered whether Albus had warned them. They kept glancing at her and whispering but she did not say anything. Her next lesson went much the same, and she found it better to be busy around the students- it stopped her thinking.
She was glad she had decided to teach and the day went like a flash- she did not even have time for lunch. She ate dinner marking assignments in her office, interrupted once by Remus who had come to see how she was.
The evening was spent in Albus' office, discussing her day and plans for the holidays.
"I understand I cannot force you my dear, but I can try and persuade you to come back next year."
"Albus I don't know I… do it really want to stay in the same place for more than a year? I usually move around, I don't stay attached in one place for so long."
"you are afraid" he said softly.
"I'm not afraid I just…"
"you are afraid of becoming a part of this castle, of this family we have here. You are afraid of commitment."
"I don't want to argue with you Albus" she sighed.
"stay, you have friends here. Plus, I don't want to have to look for two new teachers."
"two?"
"I believe Remus is resigning at the end of this year."
"why?" she said, shocked.
"some people have found out about him being a werewolf… he knows the parents will soon find out."
"how do the students know?"
"ah, I believe a slip of the tongue from Severus…"
Serena scowled. "outrageous bastard."
He chuckled. "I don't think he panned to stay for more than a year anyway."
"well it should have been his decision! Not Severus' to selfishly make for him!"
"Severus will be Severus."
"what is it between them two anyway? And Sirius, they hate each other."
"ah, that is a tale I have not the right to tell."
She nodded and sighed.
"I must be going Albus, it's getting late."
"Indeed, would you like me to walk you back to your office?"
"no thank you, it's fine Albus. Thanks all the same. I'll see you soon."
He stood up and she left with a small wave, however instead of going to her office she went quickly down to the dungeons and banged on the door of Severus' office.
She waited twenty seconds before it was flung open and an angry looking Severus stood there.
"what the hell are you playing at!" she cried angrily. "telling students about Remus' condition! That's not your story to tell."
"I don't know what you're talking about" he said, turning his back on her and walking into his office.
"don't be so damn arrogant."
"will you shut the door on your way out?"
Serena scowled and slammed it shut, but remaining in the room. "jerk."
Severus almost smiled as he stirred his potion- one turn clockwise, three anti-clockwise.
"you don't think you've done anything wrong, do you?"
"I have not."
"You just think they had a 'right to know'?"
"perhaps."
Serena scowled and sat down on the desk. She knew she couldn't stop him, or talk any sense into him, it was who he was- he had no boundaries.
She watched him standing over a large cauldron. "what are you making?"
He raised his eyebrows and looked up at her sudden change in subject.
"your potion, actually."
Serena felt guilty suddenly, that he was spending his evening making something for her.
"Perhaps… you could show me how to make it and then you wouldn't have to."
"no, it has to be precise," he said firmly, but he knew it was not the real reason. It was his connection to her.
He dropped the final ingredient in and the cauldron turned green. He poured it into a large glass vial and corked it. "This should last you about two weeks."
"I… thank you."
"when you run out you shall have to come to my house in London- It has to be made fresh."
"how can I apparate there is I have no picture in my mind of the place?"
Severus sighed and walked over to her.
"close your eyes."
She did so without a second's hesitance and he realized how much she trusted him. He moved closer to her, almost reluctantly, not wanting his feelings to overwhelm him. He was glad the recent shock had stopped her emotional gateway and that she could not feel the love and lust that was pounding in his heart at that moment. He pressed his hands gently to her head and forced an image from his mind into hers, opening his thoughts to hers in a controlled manner. Serena saw a dark terraced street, near a small dirty river. There was a hill embankment at the side of it but she concentrated on the small houses. Then the image went black and she opened her eyes. Severus lowered his hands but he did not step back.
"that was… something I've never experienced," Serena said in awe gazing up at his unreadable face. "what happened?"
"I used legilimency to convey a thought from my mind into yours. It's easier through contact rather than sight, but sight is possible."
"you and Albus used it" she said suddenly remembering. "when we came back from the ministry…"
He nodded, not wanting to upset her by talking about that night.
"so that's where you live?" she said changing the subject.
"number three, the end terrace. Knock four times."
He turned around a busied himself with something. "you're wondering" he began in a slightly teasing voice. "why I live in such a miserable place."
"I wondered" she said smiling slightly. "and then attempted at answering the question myself."
"the verdict?"
"well… you spend only a short amount of time there every year. It's low profile- which is what you need as a disliked Slytherin and death eater. I imagine it has everything you need- including somewhere you can brew potions, so what's the point in moving?"
"all very generic" he said sarcastically.
"I'm not finished." She said quietly, now hitting the sad, more sensitive reason. "I guess it's the house you grew up in- full of unhappy memories you force yourself to not forget, because you have to be unhappy, you have to suffer, but also you keep reminding yourself that you are not going to be like your father- you are not going to treat your girl in the filthy way he treated his. You want to differ yourself from him, move away from him, but the only way you feel you can do that is by enduring your remembrance of them every single second."
She paused to look up at his livid glare, "it makes sense."
Severus said nothing- he wanted to be angry with her, but she had told the truth- she had guessed correctly…
"how did they die?" she asked quietly.
He did not speak for a while and then he looked at her without emotion, "my mother killed herself. My father could not survive without someone to bow down at his every command."
She knew it would be conventional to say 'sorry', but she knew he would not want her pity.
"I don't think you're like your father," she said quietly.
He said nothing, but she did not know how much her words meant to him. He turned and walked into the kitchen. She waited quietly, wondering if he just wanted some space or time to think but he came back in less than five minutes, holding two cups of coffee.
She smiled and thanked him, blowing on the hot steam before taking a sip.
"are you afraid of death, Severus?"
His head jerked upwards at her sudden question, but her face was unreadable.
"no" he said casually.
"why is that?"
"I was not aware this was an interrogation, Miss Lake," he said calmly, making her smiled himself slightly at the sound.
"I did not know you spoke French."
"Yes, I spent about six months there studying. I can speak Italian and Spanish too."
"Impressive."
She shrugged, "I like languages. Do you know who Albus will hire for the new defence against the dark arts post?"
"no."
"are you going to apply?"
"perhaps."
"Listen, I have to go."
He nodded and stood up with her.
"I probably won't see you tomorrow, I'm leaving straight after lessons, so I'll say good bye now." She walked up to him and smiled slightly. "Just… thanks for everything… this past week especially…I… I couldn't have got through it without you."
"I think you could have," he said quietly.
She smiled slightly and then reached up and hugged him, her arms wrapping around his shoulder and neck lightly. He put his hands gently on her waist, holding her to him as though she were his, as though he had the right to touch her. She drew back slightly and looked into his dark eyes, a serious expression on her face.
"take care of yourself," she murmured softly and then turned and walked away, picking up her potion and shutting the door behind her.
Severus watched her go, his hands still hovering in the air where her small waist had been, craving for her touch again. The feel of her hands, caressing around his shoulders, her breath on his neck…
He cleared his throat and span around, looking for something to busy himself, to distract him from the longing, the craving, the need.
Serena was quite sad as she walked up to her office- she would miss him. Due to her occlumency and other problems there had not been a week all year when she had not seen him: they had become good friends, or at least they had accepted each other- and that was a good start.
She took a sleeping potion before she went to bed- she would be busy tomorrow and did not want lack of sleep to stop her. She knew that if she did not take it she'd be lying awake for hours… thinking about Kingsley.