Chapter 38

My throat feels dry.

Very dry.

It's so quiet here. The sound of water dripping from the tap is magnified in my prickling ears, partially drowned out by the sound of Fenris' beating heart and the sound of my periodic gulping.

His face is partially buried in my hair, his lips kissing me lightly on my head, increasing my already unbearable state of nervousness.

I wish he'd stop doing that.

I move slightly, causing the steaming bath water to slosh about in the marble tub.

"Fenris?" I ask in a small voice.

Man up, Hawke!

"Hmm?"

I…

I…

"I want to thank you."

What?

"What for?" he asks softly.

"For this," I gesture at our surroundings. "This pleasant surprise. I really appreciate it."

He tilts my face up and strokes my chin with his thumb, smiling warmly down at me.

"You're most welcome," he whispers.

Do it.

"Fenris?"

"Yes?"

I stare up at him, feeling as though my heart is about to jump up my throat.

"I…" I gulp, making a conscious decision to breathe deeply and slowly to calm myself down. "I… Fenris, I-"

Before I could let the words out, he kisses me, deeply and hungrily, grasping at my body and practically pulling me over him, his sighs and light groans echoing and bouncing off the bathroom walls.

He cradles me and stands up slowly as we continue to kiss, lifting me up with him. He carefully steps out of the tub and hurries out of the bathroom towards his room, gently placing me on his bed and climbing on top of me, the two of us dripping wet.

Thank the Maker it's warm outside.

He kisses my lips, my neck, my breasts, my stomach. He kisses me in other places too, more sensitive places, places where I've never been kissed before…

"Fenris," I gasp. I feel as though I'm about to scream with pleasure. "Fenris!"

He glides back up to my face, his eyes level with mine.

"Shh," he whispers, kissing me lightly on my lips. "Don't say a word."

He starts to make love to me, breathlessly whispering my name and other incoherent words into my ear.

"Don't say it…"

My eyelids fly open, and for just a second, I'm able to think rationally.

He knows.

He knows, and for some reason, he doesn't want to hear it.

We fall asleep soon after that, and my subconscious wanders off to something that makes me feel so uneasy, I wake up.

Alistair's kiss.

It's still very much on my mind, the guilt feeling heavier with each passing day.

I roll over and accidentally wake him up (he is such a light sleeper). He curls his leg over my hips and kisses me sleepily before we start making love again.

We made a lot of love for one night. A lot.

And although the intimacy makes me incredibly happy, it also tugs at the edges of my heart and tinges me with guilt.

Because, no matter how much I love Fenris, I broke something between us that day with Alistair. Something sacred.

And you know what makes it all worse?

I wanted Alistair to kiss me. I wanted to feel his strong arms around me. I wanted it.

Fuck, I wanted it.

"So, are you going to tell us where you ran off to on Saturday night?" Isabela asks me in her kitchen, where she, Merrill and I are seated around her round wooden table, eating Paella for lunch.

I feel myself blush, but I continue to calmly chew my food. I don't answer until I swallow and take a sip of coke.

"Fenris needed my help with something," I reply simply.

"Oh?" Isabela's eyes light up when she hears Fenris' name. "He needed help with something, did he? Help with… releasing something, maybe?"

I roll my eyes and look at Isabela straight in the eyes. What the heck am I embarrassed about anyway? He's my lover for Andraste's sake!

"We made love all night long, if that's what you mean," I reply coolly.

"Ooooooh," Isabela grins. "Did you hear that, Merrill? The two lovebirds were at it all night long. I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it! How many times? Did you count?"

"Four," I say in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Four?" Isabela gasps gleefully as Merrill giggles behind her hands like a four year old. "Andraste's tits, looks like the two of you are becoming tough competition for Zev and I!"

I let out a little chuckle before I get back to the Paella, which is absolutely delicious, by the way.

Oh. I should probably tell Bela that, seeing as she cooked it.

"This Paella is delicious, Bela!" I say through a mouthful of food. "Where on earth did you learn to cook this well?"

"It's what happens when you don't have a mother to cook for you, kitten," Isabela smiles.

Isabela's mother died when she was only a child, by the way. I don't know if I've mentioned that before. She had a difficult life growing up, but I guess she wouldn't be who she is today without having gone through that experience.

"Someone was pretty bummed that you left, though," Isabela says before she pops a spoonful of rice into her mouth.

"Hmm? Who? Don't tell me Zevran."

"Anders," Isabela replies.

"He looked so disappointed, poor guy," Merrill says, her tone full of genuine sorrow. "Like a sad little kitten abandoned in the rain."

"Err…"

I have absolutely no idea what to say. Absolutely no idea.

"Poor guy's been through a lot," Isabela murmurs, her amber eyes gazing into her coke bottle.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Haven't you heard?" Isabela asks in a surprised tone.

"Heard what?" I ask, my bewilderment getting stronger with each passing second.

She looks at Merrill and the two of them exchange an uneasy look.

"Anders was in jail for the past four months," Isabela says in a low voice, as though worried she might be overheard. "He only just got out."

"Maker's breath!" I gasp, nearly knocking my coke bottle off the table when my hands automatically jump up to cover my mouth. "Why? What did he do?"

"Apparently, he nearly beat a girl to death," Isabela replies. "Just some random girl in Darktown. Ella or something. He had one of his bipolar episodes and just completely lost it when she asked him for directions to that creepy med school in the Gallows."

"Maker's breath," I say again, shaking my head in disbelief. "I can't… I can't believe it…"

"Neither could we," Isabela says sadly, stroking Merrill's hair away from her eyes. Merrill's head is downcast, her large green eyes filled with sadness.

"That's why he disappeared for all this time," Merrill says in a small, sad voice. "He was so disappointed about missing your championship, Hawke."

Right. He wasn't there. I was too nervous to notice that on the day itself.

"Is he back in Darktown now?" I ask. "Does he still run his free clinic?"

Merrill and Isabela both nod.

"I should go visit him," I say.

"You should," Isabela agrees. "Merrill's right; he was really bummed when you left. I bet he wouldn't have joined us if it weren't for you."

Fuck. I feel so terrible.

"What time is it now?" I ask, pulling my phone out of my pocket.

"Four," Merrill replies quickly.

"Think it's a good time for me to go and visit?" I ask them both.

"Totally," Isabela says. "I bet you'd make his day, in fact."

"Kay." I push my chair back and get up, grabbing my car keys from the table. "Thank you so much for lunch, Bela. It was delicious," I smile.

"Wait, let me pack some for you to take to Anders," Isabela says, hurriedly jumping out of her chair and heading towards one of her bright red kitchen cupboards. I patiently wait as she packs a generous amount of Paella into a foil container, covers it, places it in a bag, and hands it to me.

"You're an angel, d'you know that, Bells?" I smile warmly.

"I know," she grins.

"Guess I'll see you guys later," I say as I start to make my way out of the kitchen. "Take care, you two!"

"Catch you soon, kitten," Isabela says.

"Bye, Hawke!" Merrill squeaks.

After one last wave, I hastily leave Isabela's apartment and head down to my car. It takes me less than five minutes to get to Darktown, but more than ten to find a spot safe enough to park my car in. Finally, I find one quite a distance away from Anders' clinic. Taking the bag of food in my hand, I make my way to the clinic, my heart pounding nervously in my chest for a reason unbeknownst to me.

It's only Anders, Hawke. What's the big deal?

When I arrive outside the clinic, I see that one door is closed, and the other is standing slightly ajar. I decide to knock before entering.

"Anders?" I call out. "It's Marian. Are you in there?"

When I hear no response, I take a peek inside. I spot him at the far end of the clinic, kneeling in front of something I can't see. I step into the clinic and hesitantly walk towards him.

"Trash… trash… keep… trash… trash… Won't be needing that anymore," I hear him mumbling angrily to himself as he rummages around what I now see is an old and battered suitcase.

"Anders."

He jumps and instantly wheels around to face me.

"Marian!" he says, surprise and joy spreading over his tired face. He quickly straightens up and takes a couple of steps closer to me. "I didn't expect to see you here! Are you all right? Did you catch something?"

"Err, no, I'm fine," I smile awkwardly. "I just came to see you. And to give you this." I extend the bag of food towards him. "Some lunch Bela cooked today. Paella. It's absolutely divine."

"Thanks!" he says enthusiastically, taking the bag from my hand.

I nod, looking around his clinic. There are a few sleeping patients, but otherwise, we're alone.

"I like what you've done with the place," I remark.

"Thanks," he replies softly. I blush when I realise he's staring at me. He suddenly shakes his head, as though rousing himself from a reverie. "Here, have a seat," he says, gesturing towards a couple of chairs to the right. I smile and sit down on one of them.

"So," he says as he pulls a chair and places it opposite mine. "To what do I owe this honour?"

'I was just curious about your stint at prison.'

"I just wanted to drop by and say hi," I reply. "See how you're doing, what's new…"

His smile widens as he gazes at my face.

"I'm great, now that you're here," he says, making my entire face go warm. "How about you? I hope everything was all right last Saturday night. You took off so suddenly."

"Yeah, it was fine. A friend of mine needed help with something, that's all."

There's no way I'm telling him the truth. He's no Isabela.

"And how are things with Fenris?" he asks. I notice that his smile no longer reaches his tired eyes.

"Umm… good," I reply, feeling increasingly awkward. "Fine."

"That's good," he murmurs, his brown eyes flitting to my lips.

"Are you going somewhere?" I ask, turning around to look at the suitcase.

His smile instantly disappears.

"I was thinking about leaving Kirkwall for a while," he replies after a moment of silence. "Go someplace else for a change."

"Oh?" I'm surprised at how disappointed I feel. "Where to?"

"Haven't made my mind up yet," he says, his eyes fixed on his suitcase. "I was thinking Antiva. It's not so religious there, so I'll be hearing less about Chantry crap and whatnot."

"What about your clinic?" I ask.

"I'll have to close it down for a while, I guess," he shrugs.

"But, what about all the refugees? They need you, don't they?"

Oh, for Andraste's sake, Hawke. Could you sound any more desperate?

Anders' eyes flit away from the suitcase and focus on mine, curiosity evident within them.

"They do, but not as much as they needed me before," he replies slowly. "Most of them have found jobs and earn a living now. Unlike me," he adds sourly.

"What about that guitar teaching job you do on the side?"

"It helps, but it's not a proper job. Especially when you consider the fact that I have a medical degree under my belt."

"Hmm," I nod. "True that." I lean forwards in my chair, bringing my face closer to him. "Listen… if you need any money at all, you can always come to me. I'd be more than willing to help you out. I can even offer you a place to stay if you need one."

He blinks quickly, clearly taken by surprise at my offer.

"Thank you," he says, his expression genuinely surprised. "Really, you have no idea how much that means to me… coming from you, I mean. I mean I…" He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. "But I can't. I have to leave. Soon."

"But why? You've worked so hard to set this clinic up, and you have friends here, friends who can help."

He watches me quietly for a while, clearly contemplating something hard and slow.

"Marian," he finally says. "Do you know where I've been for the past four months?"

I'm going to lie. I want to hear it from his own lips. It's the only way I can actually believe it.

"No," I say, slowly shaking my head. "Where?"

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes momentarily before he opens them and locks them on mine again.

"In prison," he replies sternly. "I was jailed for assaulting a young girl, right here in Darktown. Ella was her name. She asked me for directions to that wretched med school in the Gallows and I…" He shakes his head. "I lost it," he continues. "I totally lost it. I just went berserk and attacked her. Maker knows what I would've done if I wasn't pulled off of her by passers-by…."

He squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands, clearly attempting to block out a bad memory or thought.

"I'm a monster," he whispers, his face still covered behind his large hands.

I just sit there, frozen.

"This fucking bipolar shit," he says, uncovering his face and staring at his sneakers. "I can't contain it any longer. The meds aren't helping anymore. It's like my body's becoming resistant to them… I don't know what the fuck am I supposed to do. All I know is that I will not put myself in that position again. I can't."

"You didn't know who the girl was," I say soothingly. "It was an accident."

"Exactly," he says in a terrified voice. "One that happened because I am dangerous. Unstable… How could I stay here amongst innocent people when I may lose all basic control over myself at any moment? How can I even trust myself to heal anymore? What if I turn on a patient? Will I resist? Or will I become lost to my own fury?"

"You can get help, Anders," I say. "I'll pay for it. Whatever it takes, whatever it costs, I'll help you. I promise. And you don't have to pay me back a single cent. Please, just let me help you," I implore him.

He slowly raises his eyes and meets my gaze. My heart shatters as soon as we make eye contact; I've never seen someone look so hopeless. So lost. So afraid.

He tentatively raises his trembling hand and places it on mine. His touch is as warm as his kind eyes and his smile, which is nowhere to be seen on his face now.

"Thank you, Marian," he whispers, his voice heavy with emotion.

"I'll do whatever it takes," I whisper back. "I promise."

He nods, his lower lip trembling.

Then, I do something I've wanted to do for a long time.

I wrap my arms around him and pull him in for a hug. And as soon as I embrace him, he breaks down and starts to sob into my shoulder. My heart hurts so much, I'm positive it's breaking.

Right there at that very moment, I make a vow to myself:

I'll help him. I'll do whatever it takes to cure him.

Whatever it takes.