Chapter 35
'It all depends on what you want to know really Rach.' Janet says over her glass of wine. 'There's quite a bit that has happened.' Janet half smiles, as if to say 'please don't ask about any of this. I don't want to talk about this.'
'So how did you meet?' Rachel asks Janet as they sit together on the sofa facing each other. 'Meet who, Ade?' Rachel smiles and shakes her head. 'No Andy. He obviously loves you more than anything; he just won't admit it anymore.' Janet looks around the room; Rachel has hit a sensitive nerve. Tears being to form in her eyes, she didn't want this to happen but she couldn't help it. 'We met at police training, he was beautiful Rach. Well he still is but you know. I didn't see him for years, about 10 I think. When I got a job at MIT we sort of met up again. We didn't speak at first; it was that sort of awkward thing. I went out with him for a while, it was the best thing. I don't even know why I left him then Rach. He was, and still is, so much better then Ade ever has been to me. He made me feel perfect about myself; Ade on the other hand got enjoyment out of seeing me in pain...' She looks down at her glass and then back up to Rachel. '...I miss him Rach, I miss him so much. He was one thing that made me feel slightly happy when I was feeling, well like this. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy with him?' Rachel is clueless; she doesn't know what to say to her. 'Does he actually know how you really feel about him?' Rachel asks her, she's trying to get her head around what she has just been said. 'I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if he does hate me. I've broken his heart and there isn't anything I can do to fix it. Why would he even want me again? All I seem to do is hurt him and Rach...' she pauses and takes a deep breath '...I can't do that to him anymore. It's not right for me to do it to him again. It's difficult to explain how I really feel.' Rachel tilts her head and smiles. 'It's alright Jan; you don't have to explain yourself. I know this is difficult for you. I just want you to be okay.'
Usually, Janet and Rachel talks about everything, they have no boundaries.For some strange reason Janet wasn't being 'herself' as Rachel used to say, she was quiet and reserved at work, not that she was the loudest person in the office anyway but she was quieter than normal. The other day for example, Pete went up to Janet asking her if she was alright. This never happened, Pete and Janet don't really talk that much suggesting something must have been wrong with her. Of course, Janet being Janet she just said that she was 'fine' and nothing was worrying her. She tends to be like that, she doesn't like to think people are noticing something is wrong with her.
'So what made you want to get with Ade?' Rachel at this point is a little confused with Janet's life, it is obvious things haven't been great in her life. She just doesn't like to talk about things like this. 'Right place right time I suppose. He seemed to be the only person who wanted me. I mean look at me Rach...' Rachel looks at Janet who is staring into her eyes. '...I'm not exactly what you call gorgeous am I. I'm not like you. Also at first he seemed really nice and sweet, but I suppose people are always nice when you first meet them, then after a while you get to see their true colours don't you?' Rachel laughs at Janet. 'Oh Jan, you do make me laugh sometimes...' This wasn't the response Janet was hoping for. '...I didn't mean it in a bad way but you are so gorgeous. You just don't feel it. I don't blame you through; you've been with a bastard that has treated you like shit for the past few years. You deserve so much better then what you had, as much as Andy wasn't my favourite person, he was good for you and he obviously loved you and you loved him. You should go back to him Jan, I know you don't want to but it may make you better.' Rachel says to her with a look of concern.
'I know Rach, I know. And I miss him. I just want him to be there for me even though I've hurt him.' She cries.