A/N: Obligatory reminder that the fic has a blog at lionheartedfic dot tumblr dot com! Check it out for fanart, extra setting info, and updates on chapter progress.

hey exponent, what are you accelerating today?

to increase the age of our hearts, to put us down to sleep

..

the seedy seeds – hey exponent

PRNA (J)

So you were kinda hoping the school year would start out with exciting classes, not Grimm Studies and History, but... you know, after initiation and seeing how honestly pathetic you are compared to pretty much everybody else here, maybe that's for the best. It's not your fault you didn't know much about how aura worked! Your parents weren't exactly leaping at the chance to teach you anything useful. If anything, they were steering you the other way.

... Although it's definitely your fault that you, y'know, forged your way in here. Maybe you should just be glad you didn't die. And that ghosts and vampires are probably not real? Being haunted in your sleep isn't how you usually make friends – well, usually you don't make friends – but hey, it's something.

History starts out pretty basic, except for the professor buzzing around the room so fast that you wonder if that's his fiftieth cup of coffee for the day. It's kind of hard to pay much attention, half because he talks so fast and half because history is a really boring subject. You have a hard time caring about stuff that happened a hundred years ago unless it has to do with wars and heroes, and some of this brushes up on that, but it's just not the same when it's coming from a teacher instead of semi-fiction comic books.

Something about the early founding of the Kingdoms, some weird info about the King of Vale that ought to be so cool considering he was, like, the most epic hero who ever lived, but somehow still makes you want to take a nap... How does anybody keep up with this stuff?

Looking around the room, you can tell you're definitely not the only one whose attention is wandering, and your team is kind of half and half; you and Nora are barely here, Ren is totally impossible to get a read on, and Pyrrha is obviously trying her best to care but not exactly pulling it off.

NJKA have a... weird reaction to this, basically. You're trying to remember all their names – Aradia and Kanaya are like, burned into your skull even though they're so foreign you can't place them, but the other two... you can't remember the cat girl's name, and you want to say the dog girl's name starts with a J too but it mostly escapes you. Whoops.

Anyway, cat girl and Kanaya are pretty much in Pyrrha's spot: trying to care and failing. J-something looks like your typical good student who doesn't actually care a lot but knows how to absorb the info for tests or whatever. Aradia, though...

Your weird ghost friend looks even more excited than she did when she was torturing you or when Nora got really into pretending the two of them were eating human flesh together. Huh... you wouldn't have thought she would be the history nerd type, but wow, she really is. She looks like she's devouring every word, she's even taking notes, scribbling along so fast that they might keep up with Professor Something's lecture.

What is it that she cares about so much? It's kinda confusing; this is all just names and dates and blah blah about when X Kingdom established Y Territory, and sure, those things matter but you're here to learn how to be heroes, not how to get degrees in World History and teach at some university, and why else would anyone even bother?

She just seems... so happy. That's kind of a weird observation to make because she always looks happy, but... seeing her now, it's just different.Usually there's this serial killer grin plastered on her face and an almost visual glow of manic energy, but she's just... smiling, like, the way a regular person smiles.

If you didn't know better you'd say it's the first time you've seen a real smile on her face.

Okay, now you have got to ask her about this. If she wants to be your friend, which for some reason seems to be happening, you want to know how she's so passionate about something that feels like watching paint dry. There's gotta be an angle to this that you're missing.

Class lets out with one really nice detail: your only homework for now is some assigned reading. You'll just... skim that later. Skating by on the Crag's Notes has gotten you through life so far, it's not gonna to let you down now.

Everybody kind of clusters together for a few seconds afterward; teams PRNA, NJKA, and RWBY, at least. You don't really know anybody in RWBY but it seems like they're pretty tight with NJKA. Maybe they're cool. The girl in white is... stupidly pretty, for one thing. Then again it's not like your team is exactly lacking in, uh, attractive women.

You end up lurking off to the side a little while plans get discussed. Ren and Nora are going to the library – you think it's more like Ren's going there and she's glued to him, but still. Pyrrha looks like she can't decide what she wants to do. It's kind of obvious that she's been stressed out by something. By all the weird looks she keeps giving other students, you'd guess it has to do with that.

Kanaya ducks out pretty fast and heads back to her dorm; you have no clue what her damage is but wow she does not get along with anybody, not even her own partner. Cat girl obviously doesn't want to get stuck with her but doesn't want to be stuck around all these people either, and disappears off to who knows where. Pyrrha finally gives in to her nerves and excuses herself. You almost follow her, but...

In the end, everyone but those three head for the library. You want to make sure Pyrrha's okay, but this weirdness with Aradia is too much to leave alone.

So the library is pretty nice! It's sure nicer than the one in Shion. There are hardlight consoles all over the place and you know that's not rare for big city tech, but you're a country kid, it's still pretty impressive.

Everybody scatters a little. J-girl and RWBY's leader go off together somewhere; those two seem pretty close. The blonde and the girl with the bow split off too. The white-haired girl vanishes into the aisles. Aradia somehow snags her own table, and once she's there it doesn't look like most of the other students want to touch the place. That kinda... feels weird to think about.

"Uh, hey, do you mind if I hang out here?" It's tough to keep the anxiety out of your voice. You know it's ridiculous, but some part of your subconscious is still convinced she's a supernatural creature or whatever and that puts you on edge.

"Sure," she says. She sounds pretty distracted already leafing through her history textbook. You sit down across from her and dig around in your backpack for yours. Man, this is going to suck, you bet you won't absorb anything from this. You'll end up trying to cheese your way through with scroll searches for sure.

"... So, um... I was kinda wondering," you squeeze out, "Sorry if this is a dumb question but... why do you care about history so much? I mean – I'm not saying that's weird, I just – I don't know, it feels so boring to me in class, but you seem like you like it, and I was... curious, I guess? Man, it sounds stupid now that I've said it." God, you did not take long to embarrass yourself. Was there even a way to phrase that that wouldn't have been awkward? There must have been.

"You know... it's been a long time since anybody asked me that," Aradia says, and there's that expression again, the one that's weird on her because it's not weird, that makes her look almost like a human being – uh, crap, not, uh, not in that way, you just meant – not like a crazy person? You're so lucky nobody can read your mind.

... Nobody can read your mind, right?

"It puts everything in perspective," she says. You stare at her, kind of confused. "Our lives and the world, I mean! Look how far back records go, and that's just what hasn't been lost. The world is so old. Every world is. For every person who's alive today there are so many who are already dead. Here, there, everywhere you look, a planet is really just one big graveyard!" Oh boy. You can tell when you've gotten somebody going and this is totally that. Also, it's really weird and creepy.

"That's... grim," you say. "Isn't that super depressing to think about?"

"Not at all!" She leans forward a little – not the usual thing where she gets up in your personal space, just... leaning. "It makes me so happy to think about all of the stories that have been forgotten. Every buried body is a story that's so long it took a whole lifespan to tell it, but we can still find out so much of what it was. It's the coolest thing ever."

"Okay," you say, trying to take that in. "That kinda makes sense, but it's kinda messed up to think about people's lives like they're... I don't know. TV shows, I guess."

"Is it, though? Isn't it better for someone to keep on making other people happy even after they die? Everyone's life is a story. We just don't think about it, because we're our own main characters, and it makes people nervous to think about the things they wanted hidden being exposed. That's why I like archaeology, too, because it's secret history, it's like finding lost volumes of the best novel series ever, filling in the blanks. Everything is just a bunch of secrets no one is keeping on purpose."

As disturbing and cold as that sounds... she just looks so excited about it that it's hard to think she means to be cruel.

"I can... maybe see that. I guess... I always wanted to be a hero, and people remember heroes basically forever, so in a way it's like... no matter what happens, you still get to be a story someone's telling?" As soon as you say that her eyes brighten even more. You guess she approves of how you're reading her. "So, what did you mean about... putting things in perspective, then?"

"Well, I meant that when you stop and think about how big the world is, in size and especially in time, you see just how tiny and meaningless you are. It's like when you look at the stars and imagine all the planets and aliens out there, spinning through the black, living their own billions of lives. If you stop and think about it... what do any of us mean to the universe? Basically nothing! Especially with the lifespans humans and Faunus have. In a hundred years we'll be dead and so will everybody we ever knew, and there will be new people trying to dig up our secrets."

"I... uh... that's... huh." You're chewing on your lip a little, trying to pay attention without getting totally lost in thought. She has a point, is the thing: aren't you kind of meaningless when you think about it that way? And if everybody is so small... then isn't Jaune Arc even less? You're a speck of dust to specks of dust.

This day really took a weird turn. You... you're not feeling so hot about this, now.

Aradia obviously doesn't think it's depressing at all, though, and you only halfway get why.You kinda shrug, although you're not even completely sure what you're shrugging at; it's just a helpless expression of how lost you are.

"Look, think of it this way. If we don't matter at all, and trust me, we don't matter, then we can do anything we want. We can be anyone we want. Even if we were hatched into the lowest caste, even if we haven't got a real future, why does that have to keep us down? No one's going to care and no one's going to remember what we did wrong, the responsibilities we couldn't uphold, the roles that got written out for us before we existed at all, so why not live like everything's one big party?"

She reaches out and pokes you in the chest. You somehow manage not to yelp and leap away; you do feel her fingernail poke you pretty sharply, and suddenly you realize she files her nails into points, like she's trying to have claws or something.

"You, Jaune, are completely worthless," Aradia says, "And that means you're free to tell any story you want. You're free and after you're gone and can't even be embarrassed anymore, the future's gonna have so much fun learning about your dumb waste of an existence."

... It seems like her speech is pretty much over. You... feel like maybe she let some weirdly personal stuff slip there even though she was being so vague and you barely know how to respond to that, but you have to say something, so...

"That's all... um. Wow. I'm... not sure what I think about that, but... thanks for... explaining anyway?" It was long and creepy and soul-crushing and she totally wandered off her original topic – maybe, depending on how you look at it – but you do appreciate that she bothered talking to you in the first place.

"No problem," Aradia says, picking her book up again. "I am going to read now! I just got to some stuff about this neat plague that killed a whole city two hundred years ago." Okay, there's the psycho grin back again. That's more like what you expect out of her. And maybe she's right, or at least partly right. Haven't you been living a boring empty life anyway? You're nobody. If you had some kind of destiny, it was just to get pushed around by your sisters and amount to nothing, and really... even if someday you do become somebody, you're still gonna be nothing but a story in the end, so you should just do whatever you want.

It doesn't matter if you're a screw-up, you can be small and useless and still find a way to be happy. Everybody's small, when you look at the whole picture; heroes, kings, whatever.

... You have no idea if you came out of this feeling better or worse, but somehow it feels like you learned something important. For now, though, you're gonna head back to your dorm and check on Pyrrha. She had a weird day, and maybe you can help somehow. It's probably true that you don't matter, but... you don't think you can completely agree that no one does.

It seems to you like some people could actually end up meaning something to the world, could leave a big enough legacy to matter in a hundred years, and if that's true... it wouldn't be some fraud who sneaked his way into school. It'dbe someone like Pyrrha Nikos. She probably deserved better than to be stuck with you, even if she doesn't seem upset about it. If life was fair she'd have a partner who knew what he was doing, who belonged here.

But maybe if you work at it hard enough, if that's the story you try to write for yourself...someday you might actually be that partner. That's something worth caring about.

"Hey, Aradia?" You get up, stuff your textbook back in with your other school things.

"Mm?" She's lost in reading about mass death already; she's probably not even paying enough attention to remember whatever you say to her.

"... Why do you want to be friends with me?" This has been kind of eating at you, in the back of your head. She obviously likes messing with you, but you don't think that's the only thing going on. If that was it, she'd have moved on or started pranking you again, not like, rambled a bunch about her weird philosophy.

Aradia blinks after a few seconds go by and she registers that you said stuff, looks up from her book. Her face changes for just a second again, melts back into that softer, realer smile.

"You remind me of a story that deserved a better ending."

RWBY

In all honesty, today is going much better than you had expected. Morning was... interesting, and very productive. You may have managed to twist the situation such that the Schnee heiress will be stuck sleeping underneath a bed that's hanging from ropes, and you're still a bit smug about that; she'll be fine, of course, but the look on her face was priceless.

Classes have been entirely doable, and featured the surreal scene of the aforementioned heiress briefly working with a Faunus without saying anything abhorrent. You're feeling more and more confident on campus, or at least more confident you won't accidentally out yourself somehow. As long as any other Faunus students who happen to become involved in your life are respectful, you should be fine.

The school grounds are gorgeous. It's sort of amazing to think you can qualify to be in a place like this through simple merit, that an Academy this prestigious has such comprehensive scholarships and services for the extremely talented. You suppose the pessimistic interpretation is that things in the world have simply become that dire. The Academies can afford to accommodate destitute students more than they can afford passing up on any chance at fresh Huntsmen.

Currently you're letting the afternoon drift away in the library, which is definitely going to be your favorite indoor location on campus. Lots of space, a huge selection, hardlight consoles for looking up books... what more could you want? You've holed up in a very nice chair with your back to a wall to get your assigned reading done early. It's not really that you're trying to be the model student, so much as you really, really want an excuse to spend some time in this miniature heaven of a room.

You haven't had too much time to look over course materials yet, but you've sort of skimmed through certain parts of your history textbook, mostly what pertains to topics like the Faunus Rights Revolution, and... well, you can't exactly say it's perfect, but it could be infinitely worse. If anything it goes out of its way to be fair-minded. You're... not terribly inclined to be fair-minded about some things, but detailed neutrality is better than trying to paint over any unpleasant details.

"Hey. Yo. Remnant to Blake." You jerk your head up and out of your book; Yang is looming over you with an amused smile. Damn, you really should have noticed her there. Maybe this place is making you too comfortable.

"Yeah. Sorry, I was kind of absorbed." Honestly you were half-absorbed in the book and half-absorbed in assessing the day so far, but there's no lie there.

"I noticed. I'm headin' back to the dorm since Aradia's too busy being a nerd to go do anything fun with me, but first, I gotta give you a message." She rolls her eyes when she mentions Aradia's nerdiness, apparently not noticing she may as well be applying the same label to you. Not that it's... entirely inaccurate.

"A message? From who?" You can feel your ears twitch toward your skull just the slightest bit beneath your bow as your nerves twang. Hopefully it's not as visible as it feels. It must not be, if no one's noticed the movements yet.

"So, Jade asked Ruby to ask me to tell you she wanted to talk to you about something? In private, I guess. I don't know what it's about. Shy people, am I right?" Yang smiles somewhat fondly with that last bit. It's sweet that she seems to care about Jade, even if she's her sister's friend more than her own. You suppose that happens, living with someone for a while. Either you wind up hating them, or you start to connect.

"That's... odd. I don't mind, though. Did she... say where she would be?"

"I think she's just chilling outside the library. Anyway, I'm out. I've got some time to waste." She waves, you wave, and she wanders off.

Well then. There shouldn't be anything going on with Jade that's particularly frightening, right? It isn't as if she knows you from somewhere, or suspects something odd of you, or – no, okay, you're over-thinking this already. The only thing she knows about you is the obvious. And that you're a Faunus, obviously, but she shouldn't have any reason to think your motive is hiding that is sinister.

She's waiting out by the library's front doors as advertised, looking a bit nervous herself, which is both comforting and worrying.

"... Hi," you say, completely failing to find a way to make this not awkward. "You wanted to talk to me?"

"Uh, yeah! If that's okay?" Jade fidgets with smoothing out the skirt of her outfit. If her pockets weren't full of ammo, you suspect she'd have her hands in them.

"Sure," you say. "You wanted to... go somewhere?" It's silly to feel so much trepidation over this. You're so far away from any situation that could justify more than minimal paranoia.

"Yeah, um, I guess so! Is the edge of campus private enough to count as private, do you think?" Well, at least she's as awkward as you are, or maybe even more.

"Probably. Lead the way, then." You gesture vaguely at the campus in general and when she starts walking, you follow. It takes a little searching to find enough distance from anything to satisfy her, but eventually you stop by a little copse of trees out near the edge of the grounds. Jade sits down with her back against one; she looks exhausted, although you'd guess more emotionally so than physically.

"So... what did you want to talk about that needed privacy?" Still rather apprehensive about this, not because you have any reason to suspect something bad - or even any idea what that would mean - but just because, well... because you're you, probably.

"Oh, um, the privacy is more for you than me." When you raise an eyebrow, she points to your bow. "You didn't want anybody knowing about that, right?"

"Absolutely not. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, I guess I needed to talk to another Faunus about something! More specifically you are somebody who also has ears, and obviously my teammate does too, but she kind of hates me and I don't want her to flip out at me again and... anyway. I hope this isn't too weird to ask, but... were you raised by other Faunus?"

Okay, now you can think of a bunch of directions this could go; none of them are actually bad for you, but you have the unfortunate feeling this about to get depressing somehow. Also, last you heard she was worried about her friend/teammate being angry with her, not hating her, and she hadn't even sounded sure of that. Things must have gotten worse awfully quickly.

"Yeah. My mom and dad and... some other people. Why?"

"I wasn't," she says. "I mean, I never actually had parents in the first place. Which is fine! It was just me and my grandpa, and he was definitely human, and then after he died I was alone for a really, really long time." Hmm. You were right about this being depressing, but mostly you just hope her grandfather didn't treat her badly. Humans from this generation are bad enough; skip back two and it tends to be very ugly.

She trails off for a bit. You just sort of let her get lost in her thoughts. It's an uncomfortably relatable experience.

"Sorry, uh, anyway, yeah. The point is... god, I'm going to sound really dumb. So you know my team fought those deer Grimm and Kanaya and I kind of got deafened for half a day? I went to the nurse's office about it, one thing lead to another and... well." She takes a breath, ears slowly flattening out against her head. "I hadn't known my human ears don't do anything? Somehow?The nurse or whoever said that happens sometimes with people who were raised by humans, and I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around it."

... Oh.God, that's horrifying. You did know about this, although you don't think that you've met anyone who lived it before. Being in the White Fang made it impossible not to have at least heard of pretty much every awful thing humans do to Faunus. Maybe you're not being fair with that statement, because it doesn't sound like anyone's fault in her case, but it's such an unsettling thought that it's difficult not be angry on her behalf anyway.

"I'm not even sure why I wanted to talk about this when it's super embarrassing, but I feel really weird about it. I would've complained to Ruby but I just... I don't know. Somehow I felt like it was important that it be a Faunus, and one who's kind of like me."

"Yeah," you say quietly. "That makes sense. From everything I've heard, your friend is a sweet person -"

"She's the sweetest person," Jade interrupts, then looks down awkwardly. "But..."

"But she's still human," you finish, and she nods. "I don't think you're stupid for feeling upset. Learning something like that must be incredibly disorienting."

"It really, really is," she says. "Like, I don't actually care about it by itself, but it is really freaky knowing that I was just... practically hallucinating all of that. I actually did think they worked, and now I can tell they don't, and it's like, seriously, universe? I have to get my perception of reality all shaken up now? I've got so many other dumb problems piled up, and I just started school, and my teammate despises me and my partner thinks I'm useless, was all of that not enough to stress over? When do I get a break?"

"Life isn't fond of giving us breaks," you say. "For what it's worth, I hope things get easier for you soon. And... I don't think Nepeta would think you're useless. She's a little bit cutthroat and impatient, but I know she's very stressed lately, too. Though I suppose you'd know her better than I do." Is it terrible of you to be a bit jealous of that? It's only that Nepeta is so mysterious, and whatever secrets she's keeping are probably mutually kept with this girl.

"No, I doubt that. We were not ever actually close at all. I met her a long time ago but until a few weeks back I'd really only talked to her a couple of times. There might be things I know that she's not sure she wants to tell you, but I think you know her much better as a person."

Oh. Hmm. That's actually had assumed they all went way back. Nepeta certainly acts that way about the other two.

"Actually," she continues, picking idly at a piece of grass, "I barely know any of my teammates. I hadn't spoken to them in years before we all ended up here. There are people I'm close to, but... I have no idea where they are. My brother's out there somewhere, and I finally talked to an old friend recently but he's pretty much on the other side of the planet. I'm not saying I'm all alone or anything, but..."

You... would honestly say that's pretty close to being 'all alone,' but you don't know that it's your place to disagree with her. The people you know best are all far away too, and you would be lying if you said you don't feel very alone most days, but if she wants to try to be positive about it, then you won't take that away from her.

"Can I ask you something, Jade?" Maybe you shouldn't, and it's such a strange and petty thing to be curious about, but suddenly you have to know.

"Yeah, of course."

"... Have you told Ruby whatever secret it is that you're all keeping?"

Jade is clearly surprised, and for a second or two she seems conflicted about how to answer. Then she smiles: small, sad, and painfully fake.

"No, I haven't. I don't know if I can bring myself to."

"Why not?" Now you're sure you're overstepping some kind of boundary. There's no way this is an appropriate thing to be asking someone, and you can feel your own ears flattening guiltily under your bow.

"Because she'll think I'm crazy," Jade says, "and if that happens I'm pretty sure it will break my heart." She stands up and brushes off her skirt. "Thank you for talking to me, Blake. I think I feel a little better now."

"Any time," you say. "I'm sorry, it was inappropriate of me to ask those things."

"Not really! I'm sorry I can't give you a better answer. Maybe someday I'll be able to trust that Ruby will believe me, and maybe someday she'll trust me enough to believe me. Nepeta obviously likes you a lot, so I'm sure she'll explain herself eventually. Just... if you care about her at all, and I think you do... then please, please trust her when she does, no matter how crazy or stupid it sounds."

You don't know what to say to that. You'd like to say that you will, and you'd like to think that you will, but if this big mystery really is so outrageous that they're both convinced they'll drive people away just by talking about it, then... how can you honestly say it won't happen?

"Speaking of Nepeta, I'm gonna go find her and make sure she hasn't mauled anyone. Have a good night!" Jade gives you one last empty smile and starts the journey back to her dorm.

"You too," you say as she walks away, feeling a bit empty yourself, then watch her shrink into the distance. Maybe you'll stay out here for a little while longer and enjoy the evening, return to your own room when you're feeling better.

You hope she does manage to have a good night. She clearly needs one.

NJKA

You're the first of your team to return to your shared purgatory, and you wish you actually had something to do with yourself to take advantage of the free time. In the absence of motivation to study and anything interesting to pay attention to, you find yourself sprawled dramatically across your sleeping platform, browsing random topics on your scroll.

No new names have lit up on your Scrollian contacts list. You'd take anyone at this point. If you were truly fortunate you'd find Karkat, but of course you don't. Frankly, you'd be happy to talk to Strider, too. You weren't quite so close with him, but he is a good friend.

... Was. He was a good friend. You'll hold him in the past tense until he shows up and gives you reason to do otherwise.

Sighing, you let your scroll flop down on the platform's covers, roll over and wrap your arms around your fluff rectangle. It's painful how quickly you've adjusted to sleeping alone again; you were actually comfortable enough with Rose to share the same platform more often than not, falling asleep and waking up in her arms, knowing that even if everything else in your world was dead and gone and your destiny was ash, at least you were loved.

Now you don't even have that much.

Oh, Rose. What did she do to change things so? Why couldn't she have at least explained herself? It's as though she wanted her sudden exit to hurt you. Perhaps she did; perhaps you deserved it for some past transgression you were unaware of that ate at her over her years spent in this new world. You could search for her, try to find answers, but how could you even look at her again now?

You miss her, you want her, but you also resent her, reject her; after all of this, would it really be possible to forgive her even if she asked you to?

The afternoon sun outside has begun to dim, though it makes little difference to your perception. You leave the light off and let hints of color bleed from the room as the shadows grow deeper; it's all very poetic and sad. It's also getting chilly, so you cover yourself.

Maybe you'll stay this way all night, sullenly tucked away, refusing the world. It would be boring, but what isn't boring these days apart from the infuriating and the painful? No, that's not right; pain itself has become extremely boring.

You wish you had someone to trust, to confide in. More than that, you wish you knew how to properly want someone like that. It's lovely as an abstraction, but any realistic contemplation leaves you bitter and irritable and stubbornly opposed to opening so much as a crack for some other organism to peer into.

The closest thing to any sort of comfort you've felt recently was a few minutes of depressed silence on a rooftop with a stranger you have no interest in speaking to. Aradia's stupid friend's partner. You barely remember her name; you don't even want to remember her name, though you resentfully admit to yourself that you do, since it functions as serviceably Alternian. Pyrrha something-or-other.

She's the one who tried to nudge her way into your business yesterday. You could stay angry about that, and part of you wants to, but... it would be pointlessly obstinate even for you. Unlike a certain other person who needn't be named, she at least respected your wish to be left alone, and didn't even bother you upon finding you again by accident. It's vaguely reassuring, at least, to know that someone on this planet can behave properly.

More importantly, it was just nice for someone else to suffer in silence along with you.

Your ears twitch; footsteps outside the door. Lovely. It's your 'friends,' or one of them, at least. After the telltale click of her rectangle slotting in, Nepeta enters, humming out of tune as she makes her way to her platform. She seems to think you're asleep, which works to your benefit considering your reticence to interact with pretty much anyone.

Time passes; you listen to her fiddle with her own scroll, page through a book, scribble something with a cylindrical ink dispenser. Before long you're actually getting a bit tired. Minutes blend into each other, melted and vague.

Then the next person arrives, and you're quite a bit less internally tolerant of that. It's Jade, because of course it is; she greets Nepeta and flops loudly onto her rectangle, sighing as if she has something to be exhausted about.

A minute or two passes acceptably before Nepeta does her best to ruin the silence.

"You smell like Blake," she says to Jade, who takes several seconds to register the observation. Jealousy, perhaps? So much for their newfound alliance, then.

"I... was talking to her earlier? Is that a problem?" Ha. Good. You hope they do start bickering. They don't deserve to find any common ground.

(They deserve to, and you know it.)

"Not a problem, purr se," Nepeta says, her sincerity dubious. "I'm just curious what you were glubbing aboat." Surely nothing worth noting, but Nepeta's been so attached to her precious pale-crush that she might actually wring some drama out of it.

(Do you really want to see that happen, Kanaya Maryam?)

"It's... sort of private," Jade says slowly, and you can hear the anxiety in her tone as clear as moonlight. Even she isn't stupid enough to think that answer is going to do anything but inflame the situation further.

(As if Jade is stupid at all.)

"Oh. Well, that's... fin," Nepeta replies, biting off the last word. "So how is she, anywaves?"

Jade sighs. You can hear her scroll thump against her sleeping platform; it must have been in her hands until just now.

"She's okay. Listen, she likes you a lot, Nepeta. You don't have to be jealous. I'm not... after her or anything, and even if I was, I don't think you'd have to worry about it." ... Hm. That you weren't entirely expecting, even though it's probably true. You highly doubt Jade has any investment in Blake, and considering how much time the latter's spent with Nepeta, the rest of Jade's take seems reasonable enough. Unfortunately. If you don't get to have anything worthwhile in your life, why should they have the opportunity?

(Because they're your friends.)

"... Do you reely think she does?" The hope in Nepeta's voice is slightly grotesque. Every passing moment only deepens your regret at being trapped here listening to this wretched little scene. You should have stayed out tonight.

"Yeah," Jade says, and you can hear the irritating little smile in her tone. Ugh. "It's not like I can promise anything, but I think you probably have a chance there." Ugh, ugh. You hate that she's right, that anyone here might find love someday, that they're even in a position to want it freely without feeling as if shards of glass were tearing at their bloodpushers.

(This isn't you.)

"Shut up," you whisper, then freeze. Oh. That... was out loud, wasn't it? So much for keeping up your facade of unconsciousness.

"Kanaya," Jade groans. "Please. Can you just –"

"Not you," you mumble, because you'll not take credit for any unkindness you didn't actually intend. "I was – I think I was dreaming."

"... Sorry," she replies, as though she's done something wrong by taking offense at what she reasonably assumed was your typical wastechute behavior.

"It's fine," you say, and pull your blanket over your head.

You're not actually sure if you were dreaming or if you've just cracked this much,but is there even a meaningful difference? And really, Kanaya? Is this what you've been reduced to? Losing your sense of what it is you're even thinking, losing track of what you feel and what your spite is merely insisting you should feel?

Who are you? Where does the real Kanaya begin and this awful little ball of anger and misery end? Which is real anymore: the old you, replete with wispy hopes and graced with pity, still able to smile? Or is it the new you, hornless, brown-skinned, violated down to the soul, choking on regret and self-pity in every waking moment?

... It's a shame you can't tell Karkat you embarrassed yourself by arguing with yourself out loud. He'd laugh himself sick.