Phoebe
I'm sulking today. Really sulking. One of the newer girls is complaining that I'm a distraction because of my contractions even though I promise her that they're bothering me more than they're bothering her and I walked out of class because once again we're going over what happens to the cervix during labour and I have heard it half a dozen times at least. I could probably recite it off the top my head. It's supposed be empowering but when you're as pregnant as I am have put up with the same rotation of subjects it quickly gets boring.
Anyway, I've got bigger things to worry about than effacement and dilation of the cervix and I don't know how to cope with it. My panic attacks are getting worse. Every time I think of the baby or the labour I get this tightness in my chest and I feel like there's a heavy weight being pressed into me. It's the feeling of utter dread in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen and I've now convinced myself, somehow or other, that its some kind of premonition.
As the waves of contractions start up again I decide that pacing might be a good idea, moving around and not stopping, it will distract me from the contractions and also allow me to concentrate on something other than the dread. I try and focus on the two babies in the house, two cute babies that are going home soon with their mommies, happy and healthy babies. Damnit the dread feeling intensifies as I'm reminded that Sophia has had her baby which means there's only Jess ahead of me before I'm the most pregnant person in the house. All focus then is on me and my end… end goal, end goal, I don't mean my end!
"Phoebe?" I spin around and see Mary standing at the top of the stairs looking at me oddly.
"What?" I ask trying to hide how anxious I am.
"You ok?" She asks moving towards me at snail's pace, almost as though she's fearful of me.
"Hmm." I nod and clutch at my belly trying to ignore the contraction that is making me feel like I want to rip my own belly open and take the baby out myself…ok that's a bit melodramatic on my part but it does really hurt.
"I heard you walked out of class…" I roll my eyes at this, why does everyone tattle everything to Mary as if she has some magic wand that will fix everything.
"It was boring." I shrug, it's half the reason I walked out anyway.
"Something tells me it was more than that." Mary says gently coming right in front of me which stops my escape route, I glance at the stairs over her shoulder, I need to go for them but she's in my way. "Phoebe, focus on me sweetie. I'm right here." Mary coos and I look from her back to the stairs again, she's in my way… "Breathe Phoebe, you're just having an anxiety attack, that's your fight or flight kicking in. Just focus on me, my voice and your breathing." She encourages and I close my eyes so I can do as she's saying, the stairs being out of reach is distracting me. "That's it good girl, deep breaths, in and out. Focus on the floor under your feet, let it ground you…" I start to giggle, I can't help it because she's just made me think of Adelaide and preparing for birth class. "That's good." Mary smiles and I finally feel as though I'm grounded again.
I open my eyes and look at Mary and I see the concern etched on her face, I try to give her a reassuring smile but all I do is seem to make her concern grow, I can see it in her eyes.
"We should sit." Mary says signalling the couches. I nod and take a seat right on the side where I can see my escape route. Mary watches this behaviour and takes the seat opposite me, where she could dive to stop me if necessary.
"What's happening to me?" I ask hoping Mary has an answer because my own thoughts and feelings are scaring me.
"I don't know." Mary replies. "What I do know is this is anxiety, but the question is what's causing it." Mary explains further, at least she has part of the answer. "Can you think of something that seems to bring this on Phoebe?" She asks and I sigh, I didn't want to have this conversation, I thought these were thoughts and feelings I could keep inside until the baby got here and once the baby was here safe the feelings I had would go away. But then that requires the baby to get here safe and there's a chance it wouldn't…"Phoebe, bring your attention to me." Mary says in probably the most domineering voice I've ever heard her use.
"I'm scared." I tell her. "Of having this baby." I sigh as I say it and I don't know if it's relief that I've managed to say it or worry at the consequence of saying it.
"What do you mean by scared?" Mary asks and I cock an eyebrow at her, I mean how do I describe scared. "Is it a feeling of sadness, panic or dread… do you think something bad is going to happen?" She saw me react on the word dread, that's why she added the second part of her question. I nod, I don't want to say any of this out loud. "You need to speak with me Phoebe so I can help you. What bad things do you think are going to happen?"
"I…" I take a deep breath and look at the floor trying to give myself an internal pep-talk so I can tell Mary what's been going on, it's about time I told someone. "I think something bad is going to happen in childbirth." I said it and the relief I feel is something I couldn't have anticipated. "Every time I think of having this baby or anything connected to having this baby I feel this dread in the pit of my stomach and I feel like something bad is going to happen to the two of us."
"Ok, is it a specific bad or do you envision various negative scenarios?" Mary asks gently, she's not being judgemental but she is digging more than I'd like.
"I don't want to talk about this." I say already jumping to my feet, the stairs in sight but Mary anticipated my move and before I've taken a step she's in front of me.
"You need to talk about this." She tells me her hands reaching for my shoulders.
"I can't, it isn't normal to be this scared of giving birth Mary, none of the other girls have talked about this crazy feeling that you and the baby are going to die. I can't talk about it, it makes me sound like I've gone round the twist." I tell her getting a little worked up about it but Mary doesn't flinch.
"It's not crazy. Not at all crazy and you'd be surprised how many girls go through this phase of being convinced something really bad is going to happen. It's especially common when there are complications involved in the pregnancy… look at me when I'm talking to you Phoebe." I'm eyeing up the stairs again. "It's even more common when you're experiencing and witnessing other women's pregnancies and their complications especially when you have a very empathetic character." She says still trying to catch my eye as I try with all my might to stop myself heading for the stairs but I can't.
"Please move out of my way." I beg as the urge to physically try and move her myself becomes overwhelming. She again tries to catch my eye so I stare at her, almost wanting her to push me. She sighs and steps aside and I break out into a run, needing to run and run and run.
I run to the only safe place I have, my bedroom, there I know I will be left alone for now because Adelaide is in class. I'm so frightened of all these feelings I'm having, this anxiety, this want to run away and not face this. I know Mary is right, it needs to be talked about and dealt with but I don't want to do it unlike everything else I've faced with Mary, where I was open and willing to work with her. I don't want to have to face this.
I curl up on the bed and close my eyes, just hoping sleep will give me a break from the constant crazy train that is my mind and thoughts right now.
"Phoebe… Phoebe…Oi Phoebe get up lazy bones!" My eyes spring open and I'm convinced I'm in a dream for a moment.
"Sarah?" I ask looking at the fiery and skinny red head in front of me.
"Did you miss me?" She asks her hands out questioning.
I practically jump out of bed into her arms and she holds me tight rocking me from side to side. I can't believe she's here.
"What…who…when?" I ask as I pull away to look at her.
"Mary gave me a call, said you were having a hard time and needed a friend who knew what you were going through." She says and I fling my arms around her once more just so glad to see her having missed her so much since she left.
"How are you?" I ask her and she laughs.
"I'm here for you Phoebe Grey." She says pulling me to sit on the bed. "Mary was vague on the phone but I've dropped absolutely all the amazing plans I had today to come up here, so spill what the hell is going on?" She's making light of the situation with her words but I can see the concern etched over her face.
Sarah is a safe person to me, but unlike Mary, she experienced her pregnancy right alongside me and somehow it appears my brain thinks she's someone it can open up to. I open my mouth and I can't stop, everything that's going on in my head comes tumbling out as though Sarah popped the cork on a champagne bottle after it had been shaken. She says nothing back, just listens as it all comes tumbling out uncontrollably.
"Phoebe." She says quietly when it becomes clear I've said it all. "Oh Phoebe." She pulls me into her side and I start to cry. "Phoebe why didn't you go to Mary sooner?"
"I thought I could handle it." I sniffle.
"You are too strong for your own good kid." She says giving me a gentle squeeze. "But I think it's becoming clear you can't handle it on your own right?"
"I just… I guess." I admit sheepishly.
"Then you and me need to go talk to Mary about it. She can help Phoebe, this is what she does and has done her entire adult life. If you think you're special you're not kid, she's seen and experienced it all there isn't anything you can throw at her that she's not experienced or seen before." Sarah says gently and I know she's just trying to make it easier on me. "Why do you think she knew it was time to let you run down the stairs? Why do you think she called me? She knew because she's good at what she does." I figure Mary gave her a bit of a talk too before she was allowed to come and see me, but that's ok, it's actually helping.
I let Sarah take me down to Mary's office where it's obvious she's been waiting for us. I sit down with Sarah and once again say everything that's been going on in my head, the fears, the dread and I even admit to the panic attacks I've been having on a frequent basis since all of this started. Mary, like Sarah, just listens and scribbles on her legal pad. I do wonder how thick my file is because I've had so many issue and complications since being here.
"Ok." Mary says when I've finished. "It's straightforward enough, I think you and I need to be doing some meditation, we need to face your anxieties in a calm and relaxed environment and we can do that daily from now until the birth if necessary." Mary is taking charge and I like it, I'm already feeling a little less out of control knowing she's taking the reins. "We'll start this evening before bed, I want you to have a nice hot shower and dress comfortably then meet me in the calm room." I smile now, she's going to help me deal with this and that fills me up with hope and for the first time in what feels like forever the dread is just a niggle in the pit of my stomach.
"Thank you Mary." I smile.
"Why don't you two go hang out for a bit, maybe you can keep Phoebe here entertained seeing as she's finding classes boring." She says turning to Sarah.
We leave the office and head back up to the upstairs living room where we're least likely to be disturbed.
"Thank you by the way, for coming all the way out here like this." I tell Sarah as we walk.
"Don't be silly, the only plans I had today was in front of the TV and so Mary did me a favour and made me get washed and dressed." She teases.
"Have you heard anything about Tommy?" I ask and her eyes light up at the mere mention of the little boy she gave birth to. She whips her phone out and opens up to the picture album.
"Rebecca is always sending me photos." She says with a smile on her face. "We've become really good friends and I'm going to be going out there to see him when he's six months old."
"That's awesome Sarah and I love the fact you can already tell he's going to have your fiery red hair." I tell her handing the phone back over.
"I know. Poor kid." She jokes.
We get to the living space and I practically throw myself on the couch. Sarah takes the one opposite me this time.
"So come on, what else is going on?" Sarah asks.
"Well I'm trying to think of something nice to do for my Mom, you know something to show her that she's the baby's mom." I say and Sarah's eyes light up and I figure she's already got an idea.
"You need to throw her a baby shower." Sarah says. "Every Mom to be should have a baby shower."
"How would I go about that?" I ask knowing being stuck here makes doing things like that harder.
"Talk to Mary about it, I'm sure she'll help you." Sarah explains, and I nod, a baby shower for my Mom, that could be a fun way of making her feel special about having a new baby.
"Sarah you're so awesome you know?" I tell her and she flashes me a wicked grin and throws her hair over her shoulder.
"So you going to give this meditation thing a real go?" She asks bringing us full circle to why she came here in the first place.
"I haven't got much of a choice, I can't go on like this." I reply awkwardly, I hate admitting weakness but thankfully Sarah is one of those people I can be open with.
"Good, I'm sure it will do a lot to help otherwise Mary wouldn't have suggested it." She smiles and I can't help but hope to God she's right.