A Letter For You

When you think of AM, what do you see? Am I tall? Am I short? Do I have pale skin? Maybe darker? You've heard that I was a college student – am I young or perhaps older with kids that I've never mentioned? Am I married? Have I sworn off the human race and dedicating my life to giving my love to old, vintage cars? I could be anyone – someone you know, someone you've seen on social media before…maybe I'm a famous person that has a secret life of being a fangirl that writes fanfiction.

But if there's one thing that you should know about me…

I used to be one of those Anti-Alison/Anti-Emison fans of Pretty Little Liars. You probably would have never guess that, would you? But I was. I felt Alison was awfully manipulative and incapable of truly caring for anyone while Emily was like a puppy in her gaze who'd do anything for her. There is no way "Emison" could be a thing. It's unrequited. It's toxic. It's not fair to Emily.

However, all it took was one day of me saying, "What's the hype with Emison, anyways?" and curiously spying onto Emison fanfiction…

Once I started reading the worlds people would create and how they would portray Alison as a person who recognizes her mistakes, and has grown without erasing her past, that's when I realized it's not so much of Alison not having the ability to truly love someone but the writers of PLL's incapability to write Alison correctly. Even now, in their last season, it's as if they don't know what to do with her. She's either a fashionable bitch with sass or she's a clueless secondary character who dresses like an indecisive 35 year old soccer mom with no self-esteem – such two extremes, never a well-balance. And when they tried to bring that "sass" back towards Paige, she ended up coming across as a bully, once again. The writers honestly don't know how to write Alison, Emily, nor Emison with justice like they claim to. Not at all. And that's why people outside the Emison fandom still sees: Alison as manipulative, Emily with no backbone and Emison as complete fan service instead of seeing Alison trying to understand herself, Emily afraid of rejection/allowing Alison space, and Emison as a ship that was always there under the surface but neither characters knew how to approach it.

And If I didn't deeply understand the characters and erase the writers' version of what they believe "romance" and emotions are, I would have been right on board with being Anti-Emison. But luckily I didn't.

All because of May 30th.

Season 5 just ended, I started seeing Emison in a different light and now the theorist in me is watching past episodes, studying Emily and Alison's characters like they on America's "Most Dangerous" list and I was the agent assigned to their case. After taking literal notes on them, I created multiple of scenarios as to how to write a story with them being the main attraction. Nothing lasted more than 20 minutes and I would keep backspacing whatever I typed – the electronic version of writing on a piece of paper, waddling it up, and tossing it over your shoulder to a small trash bin overflowing with failed ideas. Then something started to click when I came across the plot of a 22 year old Emily being a bartender/student while 21 year old Alison works as a Lush employee/fashion design student.

That's when I finished editing the very first chapter of Trouvaille on Saturday May 30th at 12:28am and updated it shortly after.

Being my first ever fanfiction/public piece of literature, I was absolutely terrified. I'm brand new to this fandom. What if they don't like it? What if this kind of story has been done before and they're tired of it? What if I got the characterizations wrong and they call me out for it? What if this? What if that? I went to sleep coming up with the worst case scenarios as how this story was going to be received.

I could ship that chapter 1. May 1, 2015

"Looking forward to this story! Love your writing style! If you update frequently I'll like you even more!"

My first ever review. I don't think you understand the elation I felt that day, seeing a notification and reading your comment, I could ship that. You and a couple others such as Emison and InLoveWithEmison made me feel an emotion as a new writer that I would cherish years later. Two years and a few weeks later, I am able to peacefully end the first chapter of a wonderful journey that I'm so very thankful you guys allowed me to create.

For those who were with me since the very beginning: I thank you motivating me and pushing me to be the best I can be. You've watched me grow from a shy writer to a shameless author who has found their favorite pastime of crafting worlds away from ours, bringing life to all kinds of characters and ideas, and giving them to you to experience. We didn't expect this story to blossom the way it did but with your support, it formed into something beautiful.

For those who were with me from the middle: I thank you for jumping on this train and giving me hope to keep on chugging. There have been many of times where I've felt like not continuing. I've felt like I've maxed out, cannot create more than I have, lack the imagination and can bring nothing but scraps to the table. You guys endured the cringy writings and endless typos yet still reread the story and remind me how much you love it and wish to see it continue. And so I did.

For those who were with me towards the end: I thank you for expressing to me how you've binged the story and can't get enough of it. Getting notifications in the middle of the night to sometime during the day of long reviews saying how you just came across the story and locked yourself up to read the 200k+ words not only tickles me but warms me as well. Knowing you're reading from Indonesia, Sweden, Turkey, the Philippines, Singapore, and all over the world still blows my mind. In many words you have told me that I'm doing a good job and I deeply appreciate it.

And for those who are reading this story after it's long completed: I thank you for giving my story a read and hopefully you've enjoyed the world I brought to you! Fortunately for you, you get the Netflix treatment. You are able to whiz through the chapters, feel all kinds of emotions, and witness the growth of love without having to wait months for me to update like the other poor souls who've met me earlier.

Thank you for letting me be your author during the early mornings to the late nights. Reading this story during your good and cheerful days and even during those days when everything is going wrong and you just need to escape; thank you for allowing me to be that solace for you. You might not know this but every single review left by all of you puts the biggest smile on my face for the entire day. From the nice comments to the fangirling and the long, breakdown reviews that analyze everything, you all give me life. I never get tired of the stories of your lives that you guys share with me and how Trouvaille helps you get through the days. I never in a billion years thought that my story would even leave the U.S. let alone touch so many people in countries that I wish to visit. It's a surreal emotion to describe but I honestly feel so close to you all. You guys humble me and I will never take any of you for granted.

You all are the friends I've never had.

To all the writers, artists, or anyone who is doing anything in their life, those who are scared and feel like your work isn't good enough to hang with "The Greatest", if I could offer one piece of advice that really helped me:

Do not compare your work to others.

This is not only for writing but can be apply to life as well. Everyone has their own lane. Everyone has their own time. You cannot get to your goal if your eyes are focusing on everyone around you and what they're doing. Keep your sights forward and concentrated. Do not be afraid to stumble and trip along the way. Battle scars are something to be proud of. It shows that you've been through heavy times but still kept going. Every single writer, every single person you see, whether famous, rich, unknown or local, they've all failed at several points of their lives no matter how perfect they seem or how flawless their work is. To you, you see yourself at the bottom of the totem pole because you are comparing your behind the scenes/blooper footage to other's highlight reels that are made to only show off the best of them.

Trust your instincts. Take your time. You will not be lost forever.

Trouvaille has hit over 110k views since we've first began and it's all because of you guys. For now, we leave Emison moving in with each other and eyes set on their week of fashion in New York. While this book may be completed, book 2 has another untouched world that, I believe, you'll fall even more in love with.

If you ever need to "feel again" -a laugh or just a place to lose yourself in- do not hesitate to hit replay on your favorite moments of this story. This playground we've built together is all yours.

See you in another universe.
Your friend, AM.