Made me see myself something awful

When they arrived back at the Kuran Manor in the early hours of the morning, Yuki was very much looking forward having some time alone to unwind. She was wide awake, yet far from present. She still felt slightly dazed but at the same time her body was electric, buzzing with all that had happened throughout the night. Maria had faded from her thoughts fairly quickly. There had been no sign of her throughout the remainder of the night, which was odd, but perhaps something to look into when she had a little more freedom of movement.

Kaname had been there when Yuki returned to the soirée after her meeting with Zero, and she'd made the excuse that she'd had Aido show her the way to a bathroom. It wasn't entirely a lie either, as she had visited one on the way back in order to check that her makeup was still intact. She wasn't sure that it was, but she'd been wearing so little to start with that she couldn't quite tell either way. She assumed that Kaname had only just returned to the party himself, as he did not question her any further than that. It would not be wise for her to attempt to leave again though, so attempting to find Maria was out of the question. She continued to steal looks at Zero from across the room and it seemed to her that he'd recovered from whatever had scared him earlier. If scared was at all the right word; Yuki couldn't quite place it. She intended to get back to wondering about it later, but with every glance, her worries faded and were replaced by much more welcome thoughts about things that had taken place before Maria's sudden appearance.

Now that she was home, Yuki couldn't wait to take a bath, then climb into bed and finally give herself over to the myriad of thoughts she'd spent the latter part of the night trying to keep from consuming her. She didn't know if she would sleep today, but she at least wanted to give herself a chance to process all that had happened before she tried.

Kaname had been very quiet throughout the long drive back from the Aido Mansion, which was not quite enough out of the ordinary for Yuki to warrant it much thought. She had been admittedly too distracted to think about it at all. But when she tried to excuse herself and turned to head for her bedroom, Kaname replied with an abrupt, "No, Yuki," and she was snapped at last from her dreamy stupor. "I wish to speak to you. Follow me, please."

Kaname was upset. That much was obvious now. It said a lot about the mesmerising powers of Zero's kisses that she had not noticed sooner.

He did not wait for her to answer, instead he simply started walking. Yuki followed, dumbfounded at first, but then slowly she began to piece together the possibilities of what Kaname might be thinking. She followed him in to the huge and lavishly furnished living room and closed the door behind her. When she looked up, Kaname had turned and was watching her.

The way in which Kaname Kuran inhabited a room was unsettling to witness; you couldn't comprehend it at a glance. This darkly beautiful creature stood in contrast with the room around him. Not like Yuki, who had been dressed carefully to fit. In Yuki's heart, she did not feel she belonged in this world, yet her disguise was perfect. To look at Kaname, you might think a dark angel had fallen and landed among the soft furnishings and yet, nothing in his demeanour would ever let you question it. Kaname needed no disguise. His right to exist in any given space was beyond doubt. That was just how he was. It was the level of command he possessed. And there were times when even Yuki, who was closest to him, felt scared by that.

It must have been so lonely for him, she thought, even as the fear gripped her. She could see the sadness in his eyes and knew she was right.

When he spoke, his voice was cold, "I didn't think that leaving you alone for less than an hour would cause this much trouble."

Yuki frowned up at him. "Trouble?" she questioned. But she had been careful, hadn't she? No one had seen her with Zero - save Maria, who had been nowhere to be seen for the rest of the night. And, true, she had turned a few heads while she'd argued with Aido, but Ruka had made some excuse about that to those few who had noticed. But now Yuki wondered if that hadn't been enough. "I never meant to-"

"Yuki," Kaname spoke quietly, but it was the look on his face as he stared dead at her that stopped her from going on. "I can smell him all over you."

Yuki's eyes widened a little. Her lips parted but she couldn't think of anything to say. Of course he could… Of course he'd smelled Zero on her. How could that not have occurred to her. The true extent of her carelessness throughout the night began to dawn on her at last. She had just been so wrapped up in how happy she was that she hadn't stopped to think about it before now.

She wanted Kaname to go on and tell her how deceitful she was. She deserved it, with everything she'd been keeping from him. But instead he simply watched her, looking so hugely, so unbearably disappointed with her. He wanted her to be the one to speak. Maybe he wanted her to tell him that he was wrong somehow. Or maybe he just wanted the truth, finally.

Yuki knew it was time. There was no longer any excuse to put it off or run away. It had to happen now.

But knowing this did not make it any easier to say. The hurt was already written all over his face, as if he just couldn't keep it in any more. Yuki didn't know how she could bring herself to make it worse.

But he was still waiting for her to speak, so she told him simply, miserably, "I missed him."

"I know," Kaname replied. He didn't say it kindly, or with understanding. It was just a harsh fact and it was thrown at her like a swift punch to the chest. "I've been watching you miss him this entire week."

Yuki felt, quite suddenly, that her stupidity over this past week was staring her in the face. And right now, Kaname wasn't just hurt, he was furious. He'd been concealing it well, but she had just seen an ominous flash of the terrible emotion he was hiding in his eyes as he spoke. Whether it was aimed at her, or at Zero, or the both of them, she could not yet tell. She didn't think she had ever seen him like this before.

This whole time, she had been working up the courage to tell Kaname the truth, held back only by her fear of hurting him, and he had known all along. It must have looked to him like she was purposely trying to deceive him.

Yuki gaped up at Kaname and her eyes began to fill with tears as he continued with what he had to say, "Did you think that, after waiting so long to have you by my side again for more than a couple of hours, it wouldn't hurt me to watch you spending our time together pining over another man?"

She could do nothing but continue to stare at him, horrified. She couldn't bear to see the look on his face, nor could she bring herself to look away. She'd let him down so badly; much worse than she'd even realised.

"I'm so sorry Kaname," she whispered.

A few seconds later she felt him approach and his arms went around her. He held her so tight she could not move her own arms to return the embrace. His lips were against her hair as he murmured, "Don't you realise how much you mean to me, Yuki?"

She tried to tell him, "I didn't want to hurt you," but the way he was holding her, it came out so muffled she wasn't sure he could actually understand. She tried to pull free of his arms, and Kaname let a few seconds pass before he loosened his grip around her enough for her to slip free.

She looked up into his face and said, "Kaname, I swear I wanted to tell you the truth. I've been trying to bring myself to say it all week… But I've been such a coward… I was so afraid…"

Tears rolled down Yuki's cheeks and she saw Kaname's eyes darken. "Do I scare you, Yuki? Is that how you see me?"

The way he was looking at her, he did a little, enough that she didn't want to admit it. But she was done with evading the truth. In a small voice, she answered, "Sometimes…" A little louder, she added, "But also, I knew that the truth would hurt you. That's what I was afraid of… I really am sorry."

Kaname reached out to brush a lock of Yuki's hair with his fingers. "I'm sorry that you feel that way. I never intended for it to be so… But what you claim to fear isn't what matters to me. I know why you didn't tell me, Yuki. It's not what you have or haven't said that is the problem; it's your actions that cause me pain. Your betrayal… I want to know how you could do that to me."

Yuki sniffled a little as she stared up at him. Her brow furrowed as she tried to understand what he meant. "How I could…?" What had she done, besides fall in love? "I didn't - Kaname, you must know that I didn't plan it like this."

Kaname said nothing. His gaze upon her did not waver. Another tear spilled over and made its way down Yuki's cheek. She wiped away the wet track with the heal of her hand and sniffed loudly. The word betrayal had cut painfully through her. She couldn't figure out why Kaname wasn't saying anything. He couldn't think she had hurt him on purpose, could he?

If Yuki had to explain it then she didn't think she could keep on looking him in the eye. She found herself looking at the floor instead. "I just…fell for him," her lip wobbled a little as she admitted it. "I didn't even know it was happening. Zero was so sad… he was going through such an unbearably hard time and I just wanted to help. I wanted to be there for him. By the time I realised my feelings, it was already too late."

The silence that fell after she uttered those words felt deafening to her. She couldn't possibly turn back now. At last the truth was out and Yuki had thought it would feel like a relief, but instead the tension she could feel between her and Kaname was almost more painful than the secret itself had been. She wished Kaname would say something. That he would give her some sign that he could accept this; maybe not right away, but eventually. She looked up, hoping that she would see this somewhere in his expression. But he was no longer looking at her. His eyes were clouded over with emotion, the likes of which she'd never seen before. When he finally spoke, her heart sank even further. "I don't believe it. Too late?" He raised his turbulent eyes to meet hers once more. "No Yuki, you mustn't ever think that it's too late. Not for us."

Yuki was stunned. She couldn't believe that this was his answer. Even after all this, Kaname was still thinking this way; that they would grow up to be like their mother and father? It had seemed like such a wonderful dream when they were children, but that dream couldn't have been further from Yuki's mind now. She hadn't felt that way for such a long time.

"I don't…" Yuki hesitated. She wasn't sure that she had ever spoken to her brother like this before. It made the words difficult to form. She found herself having to draw strength she hadn't known was in her just to go on. Speaking gently, but looking him firmly in the eyes so that he'd know she was serious, she told him, "I don't think you understand. What's happening between Zero and me isn't anything to do with you. Our relationship," she gestured between Kaname and herself, "Is something entirely different." She gave him a small smile. "You're my brother. That's why I love you, because of that, and because you've always looked after me. It's not the same as what I feel for Zero, but that's not a bad thing!"

The look in Kaname's eyes now was unfathomable. It made the smile she had hoped to reassure him with feel wrong. It made her want to apologise for speaking at all. But though she found it difficult, she wasn't going to let herself do that this time. She'd said her apologies for hurting him, for keeping secrets, but she would be lying if she said she was sorry for loving Zero. She wouldn't do that to him, not after everything they'd been though together.

When Kaname finally answered her, his voice was grave, and his words made Yuki's insides lurch horribly, "I do not want you to go back to Cross Academy again, Yuki."

The way he said it, Yuki knew he wasn't making a request. She stared up at him, hurt, shaking her head lightly as she tried to understand how he could say something so cruel. Her voice sounded tiny as she whispered, "No… Kaname… why?"

Kaname barely flinched at the distress in Yuki's question. She searched his face and thought that maybe there was some quiet hint of regret that he was so clearly hurting her, but mostly his expression remained impassive, showing only his resolve to not back down. "Things have got out of hand," he said. "I allowed you to go to the academy because you were feeling cooped up here and I thought it was a safe place to allow you a little more freedom. If I'd known you were going to become so out of control I would-"

"I'm not out of control!" Yuki cried. He was talking like she was a child going through a rebellious phase. How could he do that when she was trying so hard now to speak honestly to him?

"Is that so? Because when I let you go, you were engaged to me. Now you tell me you have feelings for a vampire hunter, who also happens to be an unstable Level D. Tell me that that's not completely absurd."

"Because I'm a pureblood?" Yuki countered. There were tears in her eyes again now, but there was a burning ember of something else there too. Resolve, anger… Kaname's words had made her feel that too. "Because it's my duty to marry within my family line? That's what sounds absurd to me - heaven forbid I ever make a choice for myself…" she wiped at her tears as she muttered the words, but more to formed in their place almost instantly. "That engagement was something we talked about when we were kids. It was never official. It's not fair for you to hold me to it after all this time."

"It was always real to me." Kaname's face was unreadable still, but his words doused some of the anger she was feeling. She had never doubted that he felt that way.

"I know," she said miserably. "For a long time… I thought it was what I wanted too. I used to watch Mother and Father, who were so happy together, and I thought, wouldn't be wonderful to be like that someday. I used to dream about it... But I can't picture it anymore. We've never been that way, Kaname. Instead we only seem to keep hurting each other. Being engaged… it's not what I want… I'm sorry."

Kaname said nothing. Yuki tried to fend off her fear at the dark look that crossed over his face. If only she had told him sooner, before he'd had a chance to become so angry with her. Would he would have taken it better? "Can't we - can't we just be brother and sister? Like a normal family? That's all I really want for us."

He ignored the question, asking instead, "And it's him - it's Kiryu you want to be with?"

Yuki hesitated, still slightly afraid of the look on his face, then she nodded.

"I won't allow it."

"No. Kaname, please don't… don't keep me here." She couldn't believe it had come to this. A few short hours ago, she had been blissfully happy. Now she felt as though her heart might break.

"You've just said that you want us to be a family. I think it would be best if we were to go back to the way things were before you left. I don't want you to see Kiryu again."

Tears were forming in her eyes, so thick and heavy it made it difficult to see. "Don't do this…" she sobbed in a tiny voice.

"Yuki, do you have any idea what it was like to return to the soirée earlier and realise that you were with him? And then for you to reappear with the scent of him on your skin and to know how he had been touching you moments before? I know you've realised that I'm angry, but I don't think you know quite how much. It took every inch of my restraint not to tear off his unworthy hands in the middle of that ballroom."

His words sent a cold shock of fear through her. He wouldn't really do something like that, would he? The tears that had clouded her eyes a moment earlier escaped down her cheeks as she looked fearfully up at him. "I know you're upset upset that that happened. I'm sorry for how you found out about it. But please... don't hurt him. Zero's not unworthy. He's been so good to me. He has the kindest heart I've ever known. But you have to know him to see it."

"All I know is that I despise the way he behaves around you. I cannot stand the thought of him being allowed near you again."

"Kaname, you've spent all of five minutes around the two of us! How can you possibly know how he behaves around me."

Kaname's eyes narrowed into slits. "I've already told you that I have ways of knowing things like this."

Yuki was about ready to sob again, with frustration this time. "You're not making any sense!" she cried out. Then she stopped as something dawned on her. "Oh…" her mouth hung open for a few seconds before she remembered to close it. She tried to think of some other way that this thought could be wrong, before she voiced it. But nothing came to mind. "Your familiar..." she murmured. Kaname stared so evenly back at her questioning look that it made her stomach turn. "You've been spying on me?"

He didn't even blink. "Call it that if you wish. But did you really think I would let you go so far away from me without any way of knowing that you were safe?"

"Safe from what?" Yuki screeched. Then she put a hand to her mouth in surprise at herself. "Thinking back… thinking that, through everything, I was being watched and I didn't even know it - that doesn't make me feelsafe! How often did this happen? What did you see?"

Now, somehow, he had the gall to appear terribly saddened once more, but it was not having quite the same effect on her as it usually did. She felt too sick right now to take note of it.

"I made the occasional visits, to check in on you. I didn't follow you indoors, but I often watched over you while you were out in the academy grounds. That way, if any trouble were to befall you, I could come at once."

"So… if I was outside, you were usually watching me. And could you hear me? Were you listening in on my conversations?"

Yuki could make out how his lip curled ever so slightly as he spoke, "Sometimes…"

Now Yuki's mind was reeling, going back over all of the things he could have heard without her even realising. All those nights spent getting to know Zero; all those conversations with Yori; the secrets Yuki had confessed to her. Kaname could have heard any one of them. She'd had no idea.

"And you acted like nothing was different…" she murmured. Staring straight through Kaname in her shock. Yet another tear fell from her eye. "All that time I was feeling guilty - I was beating myself up over not telling you the truth and you already knew…"

She didn't know what else she should do or say in response to this news. She was feeling suddenly overwhelmed by horrible emotions. It felt wrong to react like this, like poison working its way through her system. It was not as though she'd never experienced negative feelings towards Kaname before; they'd grown up together so it was unavoidable, but she'd never felt betrayed like this before. Never so… violated. It was such a blow that it was even making her feel a little dizzy. She couldn't talk it through like this. She didn't think she wanted to be in the same room as him right now.

"I think… I have to go and lie down."

"I understand." Kaname's words sounded clipped. Yuki found she didn't care what he was feeling. She couldn't even bring herself to look at him. "I'll take you to your room."

Yuki shook her head and muttered, "I know the way - I can take myself."

"You look unwell. I'll escort you as far as your room."

Yuki felt his hands on her shoulders and flinched at the unexpected contact. But after only a moment's hesitation, Kaname steered her back to the doorway. Then, in the hallway, Yuki felt a hand on the small of her back as she walked. But all the way, Yuki didn't so much as glance at her brother.

In her room, Yuki resisted the urge to flop straight into her bed. Instead, she dug out a pair of pyjamas and took them to her bathroom. In the mirror over the sink, she saw that her tears had spared most of the effort of makeup removal. What little she had worn had already been washed away, leaving only traces of her faint shimmery eyeshadow. A smear of black on the back of her hand was nearly all that was left of the mascara she'd been wearing. Her cheeks were pink, the soft skin under her eyes just a little bit puffy. She felt exhausted, but not at all like sleep was something she could manage any time soon.

Instead, Yuki drew a bath and filled it with bubbles and nice smelling things in the hope that the comforting scents would make her feel just a little less awful. This was something in the past week that she had enjoyed about having her own bathroom back; she had a collection of oils and salts to suit whatever mood she was in. But as she settled into the hot and fragrant water, she thought of how she might never again be able to leave this place and it made those small luxuries of being back a lot less comforting. She sloped further into the water, wondering if Kaname could really mean to keep her here. Would he truly insist on it - even against her will?

Yuki couldn't tell if what she had seen tonight was a new side to him or if he'd always had this in him. It was hard to tell when she had never before had enough freedom to know the feeling of it being threatened.

What if she never saw Zero again?

And it became obvious suddenly, that she had been holding back before, in front of Kaname, because this time when the tears came, she just let them spill. Tucked away in her little bathroom, she didn't care how loud she was. She let it all come out at last.

For once, she didn't let it be about some terrible selfish mistake she had made. This had all come out the way it did because tonight she'd kissed Zero, but… how could she regret that? It had been her first kiss. The others didn't count; not the one stolen by Kaname and made into a joke - or even that light brushing of lips she and Zero had shared a few weeks back. They'd been nothing compared to this. This had been a true kiss with the boy she loved. She should have been spending these early morning hours before sleep going over it in her head, remembering the breathtakingly real feeling of his lips on hers, or the way his hand had felt in her hair and on her back… But instead she was wondering if that was the last time she'd ever touch him. Shouldn't she have been kept awake by the excitement of wondering what it would be like when she returned to the academy, instead of Kaname's words replaying inside her head? It should have been beautiful. But instead Kaname had taken it and made it about his sadness and made it feel awful.

It wasn't fair. For so long she'd barely dared to dream that she could be with Zero that way. And now it was already gone, snatched away from her by the one who claimed to love her most. Strange, but Yuki didn't think that love was supposed to feel like crying in the bath at six in the morning. If she'd had to guess, it would always have been Zero's arms around her, his fingers against the soft skin under her chin, tilting her face up to receive a kiss that tasted like - like she could starve for the rest of her life and she wouldn't even care as long as she could taste that kiss. It would have been the way they stayed up all night talking, or not talking, but knowing that things were better somehow as long as they stayed there together. Or the way he'd ask her quietly if she was okay, even as she was trying to smile her way through her worries.

It wasn't much, perhaps, but things were only just beginning for the two of them. Zero and Yuki were only just starting to come around to the idea of more-than-friends as something that was possible for them. Really, Zero was only just, ever so tentatively, starting to trust it. Yuki couldn't imagine what it would be like for him if she never came back after this. She didn't know if he would be okay, or what would happen if he didn't have her blood to keep him from falling back into the dreadful thirst that had been consuming his life when she met him. She couldn't breathe thinking about it.

Realising that she needed to calm down, Yuki did her best to hold back the sobs that were shaking her body. She made herself take one deep breath and then another until they stopped and her tears began to slow. But now, as she lay back against the side of the tub, she just felt drained. Her eyes were raw and her head ached. She pinched her nose and slipped her head down under the water, and as it washed over her, so did an eerie feeling of calm. There was no sound other than her heartbeat. She listened to it and wished that the warm liquid could wash away the last hour or so from her memory as easily as it washed away her tears. But the best that could happen in this moment was this: Yuki hoped that Kaname wouldn't do this. There had to be some way that she could reason with him. Because he couldn't tear her away from Zero now - she couldn't possibly let that happen. And surely, if Kaname cared about her at all, there would be a way to make him understand. She had to hope it… at this point, she didn't know what else she could do.

(Chapter title from Oh Well by Fiona Apple)