The Cookie Story
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Who took a cookie from D'Void's cookie jar.
I don't own any Ben 10 characters, nor do I claim. So wacky! Such entertainment value in writing this childish incomprehensible insanity over and over and over and over.
D'Void woke up in his bed and stared at his DIGITAL ALARM CLOCK which he had in his expansive mansion citadel in the Null Void. It was midnight and he had the munchies.
"I need to announce in expository fashion everything I do like a five year old because that's the audience intelligence level for these stories."
He slipped on his robe which he also had and continued being written in painful detail doing every single boringly mundane action until the plot called for him to once again fixate on the well-being of his hideous baby author self-insert Mary Sue waifu.
"I wonder how Screamy-Sobby Boo-Boo is doing. I can't hold any other coherant thoughts but this," said D'Void while yawning. "Damn, I hate these stories."
He held his robe closed and put on his nightcap and ran like the wind to the nursery which he had in his mansion citadel in the Null Void. It contained his flowery stupid inexplicable baby crib that held his adorably idiotic self-insert Mary Sue baby Null Guardian he spent all his time obsessing over. She was cuddling stuffed toys because fuck everything. D'Void gushed over her mindlessly as the original author demands every waking moment. He began spouting off more repetitive exposition no one else cares about, explaining the tragic backstory of how he came to adopt his stinking Black Hole Sue after her parents tragically were killed by evil thugs. Those thugs were, of course, Manny. He's black.
"Now I must eat random deserts that somehow appear in the desolate Null Void like digital alarm clocks and elaborate nurseries because that's what the author is fixated upon, almost more than obnoxious Mary Sues and hypocrisy. But not quite," said D'Void.
He ran to the kitchen and smiled stupidly while wondering what to eat. He saw a cookie jar and continued smiling like a vapid idiot. He took the lid off. He gasped. "My goodness! There are no cookies in this jar. Because if a Null Guardian ate all the cookies, they wouldn't have simply picked up the entire jar and smashed it apart in their massive jaws or knocked it down onto the floor. They totally would have been real careful and sneaky and put the lid back on the jar. A specialized ceramic cookie jar specifically for cookies, by the way, that I somehow have in the desolate Null Void. FUCK EVERYTHING!"
D'Void flew into a shrieking tantrum that was surely not the product of the original author's childishly immature self-insertions.
"YOU ASSWADS, GET IN HERE!" he yelled, which was roughly translated from the original line from crazy weeaboo-speak.
Original author tends to use overuse the word shrill, along with many others. But this one pops up a load. Wonder where that's coming from. Like we don't already know. Welcome to TMI, the series. Might as well just slap the original author's name in replacement of every fucking fictional character, they're In Name Only placeholders for self-insertion dreck.
Screamy-Sobby Boo-Boo was craving that attention and started bleating her shrill ear rape once again. D'Void dropped everything and ran right to her. How exactly the fuck do Null Guardians cry without eyes or emotional concepts? Anyone want to try and explain that one logically? I'll wait.
The next few paragraphs are straight up author glorification of their awful Mary Sue insert, so we're going to skip rather than waste time ripping them apart piece by piece since they're overwhelmingly pointless and irrelevant to the story. As is 90% of the original fic this author has ever written. It's all padding nonsense filler to stretch out what would have otherwise been two or three sentences, tops. How strange for a prolific writer to not be able to actually write.
"Now I will stupidly explain how my Mary Sue Null Guardian author self-insert baby enjoys eating cakes and cookies. Because that's something a Null Guardian would do and could easily be reasoned in Ben 10 flippity fucking Alien Force. Right. We are running on all cylinders here," yelled D'Void.
No, it's the author self-insert. She's not subtle at all. Every story is a gem of utter insanity and comedic gold ripe for ridicule. More so because the author has the most extreme case of Unwarranted Self Importance anyone has seen.
D'Void soon realized his Mary Sue was gone. Five seconds later she was scream-sobbing again as more painfully dumb dialogue passed in order to pad the fic out.
"Fuck this inane Suethor glorification bullshit, let's head to kitchen," D'Void said. "The self-insert author can't even begin to remember that I control the Null Guardians against their will, not that this is the one singular jarring flawed detail in this ongoing weeaboo train wreck. There's like...ten thousand in total."
He ran into the kitchen, jumped upon the center island, and threw up his arms in hammy spectacle.
"Who stole my cookies," D'Void demanded. "I will rip the tentacles off whoever did it!" He clenched his fist and shook it. "Never come between a violent mentally unstable man-child and his desserts!"
No one cared, but the parody pressed on.
D'Void began talking back and forth with the Null Guardians. Christ. It went on for far too long. One got sassy.
"I know one of you stole every cookie! I can't say the cookies, plural, because this author is insane and nothing makes sense ever," D'Void said while clutching his aching head. "This is seriously a too long interrogation scene between D'Void and some Null Guardians over stolen COOKIES. Out of a cookie jar. In a kitchen. In the NULL VOID." Yes, it was. This was actually happening. Someone wrote this and claimed it to be close to canon. They claim to be the biggest Ben 10 slash Doctor Animo fan alive and hate Mary Suethors and think everyone else is beneath them and sucks at writing. I'm not kidding. I wish I was. "The cookies were for everyone in the citadel. Oh, so they were for the slaves too? Because they're in the citadel. You have no idea what the fuck a citadel is. GOOGLE IS A THING."
D'Void flipped a table.
"No dessert for a month," he threatened. He began to pull his hair and laugh hysterically. "WHY DOES THIS PERSON KEEP WRITING ABOUT ME?"
He fell down and sobbed hysterically. His evil Mary Sue baby author self-insert devoured everything in the refrigerator.
Ben Tennyson appeared in the corner, laughing as he shoved cookies into his mouth. "This would have made more sense if the original author knew who I was, or cared about my existence."
Biggest Ben 10 fan in the whole world, though. Something doesn't quite add up.
The End