Simon kept feeling jolts of fear playing about in his stomach as he made his way upstairs to the kitchen. He was playing the scenario out in his head, trying to think of the best and worst possible reactions while subconsciously knowing he was not going to be able to predict how River would take it. He was met with the back of his sister's head as he stepped nervously into the homely room, watching Kaylee and River play piggy in the middle with Madeline. The girl was jumping up and down happily trying to reach the ball until Kaylee threw a 'bad shot' and she seized it in her little hands. Simon smiled with the celebrations but took the opportunity to lightly take River's arm. Her big brown eyes met his, curiosity etched onto her features as it so often was and Simon nearly smiled.
"Mei-mei," he said quietly, "can I talk to you?"
River nodded, looking down slightly and letting Simon lead her gently away. Something about his tone was worrying her, and he was chewing the side of his lip. She prodded his cheek lightly, making him smile and release it.
"Come in here," Simon showed her into her own bedroom and River sat herself cross-legged on the bed. Simon sat beside her with a sigh; River cocked her head and waited for him to explain to her. She watched him scrutinize a patch of carpet before turning to face her.
"River, remember me telling you about how I've been reading things?" Simon asked. River nodded, keeping her mouth open feeling she needed to breathe easier. Simon smiled sadly.
"Well, I've found a few things…" he took a deep breath, trying and failing to find a place to start. This was going to be hard enough on River without him spilling it wrong.
"Simon?" he could here the worry in his voice; his delaying wasn't helping her and Simon knew it. Maybe it would be easier if he just told her…
"Can you help me?" suddenly she was hopeful; her eyes immediately different as the glistened in the light reflecting the patterns in the room. It broke Simon's heart.
"Baby…" He wouldn't break it to her right away, "you know how you tell me you feel sick sometimes if you hold it in for to long?"
River nodded, her face falling into confusion. "You mean… when I need to tell you things?"
"Yeah," Simon said, taking her hand, "well… I've found out why."
River looked away; Simon could see her attempting to compose herself. It was like she knew already.
"Why?" her question came barely more than a whisper; she did not look back at him.
"You weren't… activating on your own," Simon explained to her, "no matter what they did they couldn't get parts of you… your conditioning to work. So they…" Simon paused, searching for the right word, "Changed you. they somehow linked your body with the parts of your mind they manipulated… further, I mean, so that if you refused to speak, or fight or whatever for long enough, you'd feel sick and deteriorate until your body figured out how to make it stop. By complying. That's why the treatments never worked, Mei-Mei," Simon squeezed her hand, "they did; they suppressed the alterations but made you sick because of what they did."
River's lip was shaking; she was staring across the room as tears fell in her open mouth. She closed her eyes slowly and took a shaking breath in, blinking and looking back at him.
"Can you stop it?" she asked, the pleading note not hidden in her voice. Simon sighed, wanting to hug her but knowing she wouldn't accept it at the moment.
"I don't think so," he said gently, "and even if I could it would mean…" he braced himself, "Brain surgery."
Simon saw the panic rush through River and she jerked her hand out of his; running them over her head and curling up.
"No," she begged, tears coming afresh, "no, no no… please Simon…"
"I know," Simon told her, desperately moving to take her in his arms, wishing he'd held his tongue, "I'm not going to, I promise… there's another way."
River's tears lessened enough for her to ask "what?"
"You'd have to let it out, River. You'd have to hear the things you hear and not block it, and say things when they come…"
"I can't!" River yelled, unravelling and staring him hard in the eye, "I can't do that Simon!"
"I know you're scared…" Simon attempted to soothe her.
"I am!" She half yelled, "I can't do it, I can't lose myself more! They put me in other people's heads and cut me and slowly I was eroded! You never got it, but it's not me! I'm not me any more! And if I open and… I can't let go of what I have left, and if I do that…"
"Whoa, mei-mei, stop," Simon asked, his head spinning, "slow down and talk to me, please." River sobbed slightly, but backed up.
"if we weren't dependent on oxygen, chemicals and other mechanisms the only part of us that is really us is out brains," River babbled, suddenly unfocused, "that's why brain transplants aren't feasible, take it out and you lose the person inside; just replace or give a blank slate," she sighed, "mine was manipulated, I was manipulated, I was scared and helpless and blank and I became not a person. Mine was manipulated, therefore the person was manipulated and I'm not me. I'm just this stupid oxymoron that makes no sense, that's scared and broken and can't think and I just want to be me," River finally met Simon's eyes again, "I'm not me and all I want to be… Simon I just want to be me again. I can't be. I'm lost and you get this River instead. What they made. I'm not even a person any more."
She broke down again, the force of her misery causing her to tremble.
"I tried so hard to get me back, and when I couldn't… I tried to love the person I was now but I can't. I hate it. I hate it so much. But I didn't… want you to know because you gave up everything. I couldn't tell you you didn't find me. But… Simon I can't lose anymore. I don't want to disappear entirely."
Simon felt like he'd melted; his stomach had fallen out into the black below. He understood what River was saying and couldn't bear to have her feel this way. She had collapsed into a trembling mess, spilling all her sadness out in choking sobs that intensifies with each new reminder of what she was feeling. Simon unfroze; he pulled River's limp form into his arms despite her muffled protestations and cradled her, stroking her head and telling her over and over he loved her while she cried into his chest.
When she had finally calmed down to minimal tears Simon settled her into her bed, pulling a chair over and gripping her hand. River squeezed it, looking up at him apologetically.
"Are you mad?" she asked. Simon almost laughed, but he stopped knowing River would not appreciate it at this moment. Plus, he mused, it would probably be born out of hysterics.
"No, River," he said gently, giving her hand a light squeeze, "I'll never be angry at you for telling me the truth."
River gave what might have been a smile. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."
"You didn't," Simon assured her, "but would you let me have a say?"
"Yes," River whispered worriedly.
"Thankyou," He kissed her head.
"First thing I want to say, and you don't get to say anything until I've finished," he said with a smiled, "You are River. I want you to realise that, mei-mei. I know it's hard. It's okay that you're scared, and that now you're worried a lot of the time. Its okay to feel helpless, mei-mei, there's no one in the world who'd deny you that if they knew. What you went through was terrible, I'm not trying to say otherwise. These feelings that you're having are normal, okay? They're human. The fact that you can't get your thoughts right doesn't make you any less of a person, that fact that horrible people did horrible things to you doesn't mean you aren't yourself. River, you've never lost yourself; you've just lost control. And that makes everyone feel useless," Simon smiled, "even big brothers when they feel like they can't help their baby sisters. It doesn't mean you aren't yourself, and I know that's how it feels. You're still here, you've always been here. You just have to re-learn some things and accept that… that there are going to be things you can't change. And that hurts, but you can make it through."
"Simon…"
"What'd I say?" Simon asked her teasingly.
"But…"
"Not yet," Simon told her. River closed her mouth but looked imploringly at her brother. Simon sighed.
"Okay, you can have your turn now." He sighed.
"I don't think you're right," River whispered slowly. Simon moaned. "I will think about it," she whispered, "but I don't… you're not in here." She tapped her head lightly.
"Don't I know it," Simon said with an attempt at a smile.
"But you said…" River sighed, "Something would help stop me getting sick?"
"Yes," Simon said slowly, "Remember the two options I gave you?"
"Surgery," River's fearful whisper gave her feelings away, "or… let what they did…"
"Yes," Simon affirmed. River looked away.
"There's no good in this," she said sadly.
"What do you mean?" Simon asked, worried.
"There's no good. At all. There's just bad after bad…"
"Can you give me an example?" Simon asked.
"This," River said quietly, "I don't want… I can't have anyone else cut in my head. But I can't… I don't know what will happen if I let go, even just a little. I don't think I'm strong enough. Then… we're here because I went there, and I should never have gone, I lost myself and you lost everything. And I hurt the crew… There's nothing good here."
Simon's heart was breaking' he cursed himself for allowing her to coax her over to the view that she wasn't River any more; even for a second. The River he knew had been able to find positives in everything; so much so he had worried about her sanity in his sullen teenage years. Now with his beautiful little sister who could find good in the darkest of circumstances saying that there was none; even though she was here with him, Simon found himself seeing her in a whole new light. She's just scared; he told himself, this is normal. She's just frightened.
"Can't you see anything good about this? About any of this?" he elaborated in response to River's confusion. She frowned thoughtfully.
"I don't…"
"I'll give you an example," Simon said desperately, "If you hadn't of gone to the academy…" he cast his mind around, "you wouldn't have been able to help Madeline. That's a good thing, isn't it?"
"Yes," River said uncertainly.
"Now you tell me one," Simon implored.
"Simon…"
"River."
River sighed.
"I guess… if I hadn't gone I wouldn't be spending as much time with you," She said quietly, "Because you'd be working and I'd be at school."
"Yeah," Simon agreed, "anything else?"
"You wouldn't have met Kaylee," River gave him a cheeky smile.
"True," Simon said grudgingly, "and you wouldn't have seen Serenity. I know you love this ship."
"I do…" River looked uncertain. Simon was inwardly pleading that she'd understand. Her hands were still sitting limply in his; Simon could feel them shaking slightly. He was full of defeat; if she didn't accept this he didn't know what else he could tell her. If only will was the force of the universe…
"That's all external," River said, looking back at him, her voice still small but Simon heard the glimmer of hope behind it and knew she was starting to see. She just needed a little more help.
"Can you find anything positive about how you are now?" he hinted. River shook her head without even thinking. Simon knew it was down to him. He frantically scrambled around for something to tell her that would really make her see that she was still herself.
"I can," Simon grinned, answering quickly enough to make it appear as though he was confident. River watched him in silence, her brown eyes wondering at his statement.
"Tell me?" she asked, half her voice withheld as though holding back her hope.
"you're a lot more perceptive," Simon told her, "and you have a deeper understanding of people and experiences, your compassion has grown, you give everyone the gift of your empathy and you don't make them feel bad that you feel it with them. People lesser than you could do that, but you don't. You just tell them you understand; if not in words then in actions; and it comforts them. You give everyone your love and pour your heart into everything you do because you understand how important each moment is. You're unique and you are my River."
"Really?" River asked, her fingers clutching at the blanket and the hand in Simon's tightening around it.
"I promise." Simon smiled at her. River hesitated.
"You really think... I'm still me?"
"I most certainly do," Simon smiled; taking her hand in his spare one until both his engulfed her slender one. He was half tempted to ask if she did to, but she spoke before he could decide.
"So I have to let what they did to me happen?" she asked quietly, still holding his gaze.
"Yes," Simon said heavily, "which means speaking when you feel you need to, doing things when you feel the need and even… hearing other's thoughts on occasion. I know you're scared and you said you don't think you're strong enough… but I think you are."
River was silent, still watching him. She curled her lip in and bit it lightly; Simon could see she was contemplating his words.
"Okay," she said suddenly; and Simon was so thoroughly not expecting that response he nearly fell off his chair.
"Okay?" he asked, trying to sound calm. River giggled.
"Yes, okay." She laughed at Simon's aghast expression.
"Why?" Simon asked; biting his tongue almost as soon as he said it. He wasn't sure if she'd take his question as a sign of no confidence.
"Because I did a bit just to try," River blushed, "and… I heard that you believed I could."