Hi all, thanks for the reviews. Sorry about the lack of updates, I'm going crazy with work!
Muse-of-the-fairies: I know, I'm sorry, I'll apologize for the bunny. University, well considering my last two weeks I rather despise it right now.
Crazy-chica6: Both I agree with. And your final comment, very astute.
IvyLady: Thanks as always for your wonderful and insightful reviews. Reviving takes lots of time
IvyLady: (36): I wanted to keep Derek's POV or story for after Addison's miscarriage. It's like he's an onion and so on. She's now wrapped up in her own world, shutting him out some and he's struggling with things she's not really even aware of.
Flamingjigsaw: yes it is
Addiekatefan: I know! I'm sorry about the sadness factor sometimes, it gets intense. Thanks though, I try and do my best with situations I've luckily never had to confront. Enjoy
Stairwell Girl No2: How awful!!! No I don't think it is. It's too much cyber space out here. She has my prayers though. As far as blaming the baby, yeah that's an aspect I'll probably address in a few chapters. First things first.
Seriouslyaddison: You're welcome! I know Shonda did deprive of us of some good plotlines certainly.
Previously: Addison was devastated by the loss of her baby. Derek struggled with his own emotions
Summary: A goodbye service brings friends together; Derek overhears something he was afraid of.
Chapter 38: Nothing Left
She was going home that day. Home to a quiet house that felt like a member of the family had left it, although that light had never actually lit up the place with laughter and childish shrieks.
Derek was hesitant to bring her home so soon, mostly because he was afraid that she wouldn't be able to handle being in a place where there was still the atmosphere of an arrival in every corner, but especially the nursery.
"Do you want me to come with you," Mark was concerned about his friend's lack of happiness that Addison was coming home.
"No," Derek shook his head, "we have to go through it together."
"Dude, are you sure that's a good idea, to be alone in that house, both of you together," Mark seemed uncertain.
"That's a vote of confidence," Derek felt bad about his sharp tone, but he was tired.
"Okay," Mark grinned and slapped him the back, "sorry I'll back off."
Derek stood outside her room, his thoughts were swirling. The last weeks she'd been so distant, so removed, he hadn't broken through her reserve.
"Addie," He waited for her to look at him. She didn't.
"Are you ready?" She stood and picked up her coat, she didn't speak and she didn't look at him.
The nurse was waiting outside with the wheelchair and although he felt bad making her sit in it, the withering look she gave it was encouraging.
"Mrs. Shepherd," the nurse spoke shaking Addison from her internal thoughts, they were at the door.
"Thank you," she whispered standing up and reaching for Derek's arm. So much had changed since she'd last faced the world.
Derek was surprised to feel her hand resting in the bend in his arm; he placed his left hand over hers as they walked to the car.
She slid in numbly and he steadied himself before climbing behind the wheel.
The drive home was absolutely silent, Derek wasn't sure what to say and Addison wasn't sure if she had the energy to speak.
Once inside the house Addison headed straight upstairs without a world and Derek found her minutes later already in bed.
"Are you feeling ok," he asked her and all he got was a nod.
At a loss for how to reach her Derek found himself opposite the door of the nursery and against his better judgment he walked inside.
The room of broken dreams, he would later refer to it as such, taunted him. The curtains, Addison's choices of paint colors, the soft carpeting he had been finding time to put down. The crib, not fully assembled after their afternoon romp just weeks ago. There were already a few books, boxes of clothes, a dresser, and the rocking chair. Derek imagined Addison rocking their baby in the chair, singing to it. She had a wonderful voice, and he wondered if he'd ever hear her sing again, on a literal or metaphorical level.
He slowly walked over and sat down in it. His own image of his role had grown so recently, like a flower that is hesitant to open its blossom and then suddenly blooms. Derek wanted to hold their baby, have someone truly need him. Although Addison wanted him, sometimes he felt so disconnected, like now. Where were they? She hadn't mentioned their falling out last week at all. Derek knew it wasn't healthy, but she had not protested at his intention to come back with her. Was he moving in still? He doubted it. However at this time in their lives, he wanted to be here.
He found her still awake in bed.
"Addison," he hesitated and she glanced up at him.
"Yeah," she said it softly, but still it was a response.
Heartened he asked, "Should I be moving back in?"
It was the moment of truth and one Addison wanted to avoid, but she had no choice.
"What happened?"
"I left him a note, he was gone for a family emergency," Derek gathered his energy, "the note blew under the desk from the wind…it was storming that night" and her nod he went on, "I didn't know about his retirement, he hadn't told me yet, and I'm sorry I hadn't talked to him sooner, I thought I could propose something to him, but I realized that I wasn't going to have any real ideas until I figured out what his feelings on the topic were."
Addison wasn't terribly happy with him, but she knew he wasn't lying and she didn't want him living at a hotel. There was a tiny little bit of her that admitted maybe she wanted him with her as well. She shook her head, they needed to at least try, be there for each other because that's what they signed up for when they said their vows.
"Go get your stuff," she finally said.
Derek nodded and vanished without a word. Nothing was really solved.
Three days later, Derek went back to work. He felt bad the first day, leaving Addison in the house alone, but the truth was his efforts to connect, to talk, were not going well.
He'd suggested a small service the previous evening, a small gathering and Addison had reluctantly agreed. Derek wanted to help her gain closure, but Addison didn't seem interested.
Addison stood staring at her reflection in the mirror. Friends and family were arriving; just close ones who knew about the baby. Naomi was there and Pete had come as well. Derek's sisters were there, his mother, Mark, Donald and his wife, and a few of their other friends from work, Savy and Weiss. Other than that, she'd told Derek, she didn't want anyone else. Derek understood her and left it alone.
She was pale and tired and clearly losing weight, but she couldn't talk to anyone, it was not real to her yet, her baby was gone. Her hands went to her stomach and she failed to notice the presence in her doorway.
"Addison," it was Pete and she turned from the mirror startled.
"Pete," she said softly, her eyes were vacant and he was surprised how out of it she really was.
"Hi," he gave her a gentle hug.
Derek paused on the stairs hearing voices.
"How are you," Pete was there and he sounded concerned.
"It's hard, she was a part of me," Addison finally said.
Derek frowned feeling slightly annoyed.
"Derek seems pretty out of it," Pete's comment was torture for him, he hated having her troubled.
"Is he," so she hadn't noticed. Despite Derek's desire to take care of her, it still hurt she didn't see his pain.
"It was his baby also," Pete pointed out.
"He never wanted it, he's probably glad, he should suffer, I don't think he has the right to feel as badly as I do. I failed her." and Derek felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. Was that why she wasn't talking to him?
"Addison!" Pete couldn't keep his shock hidden.
"Please," she sighed, "not now."
"He needs you, you need him," Pete pushed.
"I have to go," and Derek rushed downstairs before she caught him listening.
He pushed his way into the kitchen ignoring Mark's look of concern.
"Derek?" Mark wasn't one to let things slide.
"Mark," he was going to be sick.
"What's wrong," Mark was by his side with a look of panic.
"She blames me, Addison blames me," he would not freak out in front of her, but it was Mark.
"She does not," Mark scolded.
"Derek," her voice broke his frantic thoughts.
"Addie," his voice was strained.
"People are," she sighed, "gathering."
He followed her into the living room and Mark took the stand at his pleading look.
"Well," he shifted uneasily, "I'm not quite sure how to begin. I wish we were here under joyous circumstances, Addison and Derek should be celebrating and not grieving," Addison choked back a sob and unwillingly clutched Derek's arm. He remained rigid unable to let go of his own recently experienced blow.
"I think though we're here to celebrate what might have been, to offer support and to pay our respects," he hesitated, "the baby would have been a little Derek or Addison," and this time it was Derek who unwillingly squeezed Addison's hand. What he wouldn't give to take back the last two weeks.
"It seems like we should just all take a moment to cherish all that we love in life," Mark was going on a whim now, "we learn from tragedies like this that each moment is precious and we can't take anyone standing next to us for granted," his eyes rested in his best friends who were standing side by side, but who were miles apart.
"We don't know what the next moment or day will bring, so I'd like to take a moment to pray for a life that never got to live, and give thanks for what we hold most dear," he bowed his head, his own mistakes and choices flashing through his mind.
Addison heard Mark, but her own thoughts were so fragmented it was pointless. What did she hold dear now? What did she have? Derek for his part was uncertain as well, things were so different now, so changed.
"Addison," Savy was next to her as people began quietly talking.
"Yeah," she focused on her friend.
"You need to talk to someone," her friend urged. Naomi joined them nodding in agreement.
"No, I'm fine," she shook her head.
Naomi glared at her, "don't lie Addison."
"I'll be fine," she amended.
"Please think about it," Savy was so worried about her.
Addison didn't respond.
"Derek," Pete was standing in the hallway awkwardly watching Derek take a shot.
"She talked to you," he was clearly upset.
"Not really, but you heard," he thought Derek looked funny and figured out what had happened.
"She does love you Derek, she's just…" he trailed off.
"Lost," Derek finished, "I'm going out."
"Let me drive," Pete picked up his keys, "you shouldn't."
Addison rounded the corner in time to see Pete usher Derek out the door and despite her own conflicted emotions she felt a flicker of concern.