Chapter 36
"What do you mean, 'He left?'…" Derek snapped at her. "We are on a case- he can't just leave… we need him here… He didn't say where he was going? He didn't even leave a note?"
Scarlett raised her brows at her brother. "Spence would never leave me a note, Derek," she told him emphatically.
"Besides, we've got the lead, D- we are on the unsub's tail… he's not getting away this time. Spencer knew that…"
"He's got his own demons to chase right now… Leave him be…"
She'd felt this coming.
Derek looked at her incredulously. His gaze shifted from her eyes to her pregnant belly then back.
"You are joking, right? Tell me you are joking- you can't possibly be okay with him taking off on you… like his fath-"
"Derek!" Scarlett's eyes glittered angrily. "I. Said. Drop. It."
Morgan stared at her for a moment longer, holding her gaze. When she only shook her head, he rolled his eyes and stomped off.
Penelope stayed at her side. "Do you want me to-" she let the sentence hang.
"No," Scarlett told her friend, knowing Penny could track every move Reid made. "Spencer needs to do this…"
She saw the tears moving into Penelope's eyes. "He will be okay, sweet girl…" Scarlett assured her.
"How can you know?" Garcia asked.
Scarlett reached up to her throat, wrapping her fingers around the locket that held Spencer's picture and a piece of his hair.
"Faith is all I have right now," she said.
"That's not true, Katy bird. You have us. Reid has us too, all of us…" Penny threw a look out to the foyer where Morgan was pacing while talking on his phone. "Even if some of us are more pissed off than others…" she wrinkled her nose a little.
Scarlett sighed again. "Ugh. Sometimes that man is just the biggest pain in my ass…" she stated, starting over towards Derek.
"Mine too, but we love him, so don't hurt him…" Penny squeaked, seeing the look of irritation in Scarlett's face. "Please? For me?"
"Morgan!" Scarlett shouted at her brother across the lobby. "Is that Reid? I told you to leave him alone!"
Derek continued talking, leaving a message on the line.
"…And if you think for even one minute…" Morgan's voice trembled angrily…
Hearing the hurt in his voice, Scarlett changed her tactic. Reid had left them all, and that hurt the others too…
"D. Give me the phone…" she said in a softer tone and held out her hand.
Morgan's eyes met hers. He stopped talking, frowned at her but handed over the phone.
Scarlett let out a breath, raising it to her ear.
"They'll leave you alone, boy. I'll make sure you have the time you need to hunt your demons. But when that's done- you remember- that we are all here, waiting for you, because that is what family does…"
Scarlett swallowed against the lump that moved into her throat.
"Watch the video," she whispered. "I'll be right here…" Scarlett ended the call, handing the phone back to Derek.
"Now. Leave him be…" she ordered.
Spencer turned his phone back on after leaving the airport. He'd just slid into the driver's seat of the rental car when it signaled a message.
He wrinkled his nose. So someone finally cared that you left… his mind whispered to him. There would have been a ton of messages, if they really cared…
Reid ignored the message. He turned on the car's GPS and punched in the address to his mother's hospital.
She was the only one who never turned her back on him. When she was able to be there for him, anyway…
You took care of her. She needed you… she never took care of you, either. Nobody ever took care of you. You can only count on yourself… letting anyone get close only means they can hurt you…
You're better off with being empty…
Spencer listened to the voice that whispered in his ear, feeling that emptiness fill him. He scowled, wiping at a tear that brushed across his cheek.
It doesn't help to care… Nobody else cares, so why should I? he reminded himself. They didn't even care enough to check on where the hell I was… he scowled at his phone.
Punching at the touch screen he pulled up the missed call, seeing it was from Derek.
Scarlett never even called.
She didn't need him. She didn't care.
She was probably already pissed that he'd left like that- and when he didn't come back, she'd write him off, continuing on with her own life.
She'd be better off. Norie'd be better off. Their son would be better off…
They didn't need him fucking up their lives…
This time he'd be the one to walk away…
He opened the voice mail, wanting to hear what Morgan had to say.
'Reid. Where the fuck are you? What the hell are you thinking, kid? I warned you not to do this to us, that we needed you- and you just take off? You left Scarlett? What the fuck? I don't think you understand that I now have a brother's obligation to kick your fucking ass… And if you think for even one minute…'
'Morgan! Is that Reid? I told you to leave him alone!' Spencer heard Scarlett's voice cut off Derek's from out of the background.
She told them to leave him alone? Why? He didn't want to be alone... not really. He wanted to know that they cared… he needed someone to fucking care, for once in his life...
Fear iced into his blood. Maybe Scarlett was already cutting him out… after all, he left her… she didn't deserve that… she'd have every right to cut him out…
'D. Give me the phone…' Spencer heard her say in a gentler tone. Her voice came onto the line more fully and he heard her let out a soft breath.
'They'll leave you alone, boy. I'll make sure you have the time you need to hunt your demons. But when that's done- you remember- that we are all here, waiting for you, because that is what family does…' he heard her voice catch for a moment before she continued. 'Watch the video,' her voice came to his ear on a whisper. 'I'll be right here…'
Spencer heard the call disconnect and scowled at the screen.
Watch the video? What video? he thought back... The one…? No. Why would she want him to watch that? To remind him of how it was? How things could never be? He was only fooling himself to think that they were forever… Promises never lasted. Everyone leaves…
Everything ends. Then you are left with the empty again… his inner demon taunted him.
Reid scowled at the phone a minute longer, and decided to open the tab for his saved videos.
The one he remembered was saved first. He also saw another. Thirty seconds…
What was that? he scowled darkly. The image was only black.
He hit the arrow to play the feed.
Scarlett's face came into view. She was lying alongside him.
It was from that same night that she'd recorded the first video… at the college dorm… was that really only a little over a week ago?
Scarlett's face looked up to him from the screen.
'I don't know when you'll find this… or what will be going through your mind when you do, my sweet boy… but something is telling me to leave you this, and I always go with my gut…'
Her voice was just above a whisper, so he turned up the volume a bit.
'I love you, Spencer Reid. I've loved you over lifetimes that I can't even remember. Nothing touches that, and nothing will ever change it. And I will love you for forever more…'
Spencer felt his chest tighten as he watched a tear roll down her cheek.
'Pour tous les temps… For all time, my sweet farm boy… I promise.'
Spencer watched his own image gather her closer, tucking his face into her neck.
'Pour tous les temps, Katy… I love you, crazy girl…'
He tried to remember this moment, but nothing came to his mind. He must have been talking in his sleep… he saw Scarlett look into the camera and blow a kiss towards him, now, as he watched her.
'As I love you, farm boy…' she said to him.
The screen faded to black as the video shut down. Spencer rubbed the heal of his palm over his heart, trying to stop the ache there.
What the hell was he doing here? What had driven him to run across country, away from her, away from everything he loved?
He scowled as his eyes caught sight of the GPS. He didn't come to Vegas to see his mother.
Angrily, he punched in another address, one he'd never thought he'd ever visit. The GPS highlighted the route.
Spencer felt a burn in his gut as he pulled out of the parking lot, heading towards his father's home, as the radio played "Down" by Jason Walker.
I don't know where I'm at
I'm standing at the back
And I'm tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing.
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it's coming down, down, down.
Not ready to let go
Cause then I'd never know
What I could be missing
But I'm missing way too much
So when do I give up what I've been wishing for.
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it's coming down, down, down.
Oh I am going down, down, down
I can't find another way around
And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
Why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down.
I shot for the sky
I'm stuck on the ground
Why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Oh, it's coming down, down, down...
Less than an hour later, Spencer sat in the rental car, staring at the front door, screwing up his courage to get out and head up the walkway.
Why bother? What would this confrontation resolve? his inner voice tried to talk him out of doing this…
He bit his lips together tightly.
Because if I don't, it will never be finished. It'll hang over my head, touching everything I've worked for… he answered his own question in his mind.
He gathered his resolve and pushed himself out of the car. When he was about halfway up the walk, the front door opened. His father stood in the entrance way, looking at him.
"Hello, Spencer…"
"Hello, Dad…" Reid bit out the title with a bit of venom. The older man smiled sadly, stepping back just a bit.
"Would you like to come in?" William Reid asked.
Spencer looked surprised. "No," he shook his head. "I don't- I don't have that kind of time," he stated flatly. "I've got to get back to my family…"
William looked at him quizzically.
"Alright," the elder Reid nodded. "Then, do you want to tell me what this is about?"
Reid felt his hands twitch nervously at his sides. He shoved them into his pockets, wrapping his fingers around the watch that Scarlett had given him. He felt her love surround him and used that strength to meet his father's eyes.
"I lost someone yesterday. Someone, uh- someone I was very close to, who I thought of as a father…" he started.
"I see. I'm sorry for your loss…"
Spencer saw the truth in his eyes.
"I didn't get to tell him a lot of things that I had wanted to… because I was angry with him. I wasted time, and now I'll never get it back…" Spencer blew out a tense breath.
"So… I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you- I'm married now… um, to Scarlett, you met her once, if you remember?" he saw William nod slightly.
"We have a daughter we are raising… we adopted Scarlett's half-sister…Norie's thirteen, now…" Reid pushed out the information in a rush, unable to stop the nervous tension that flooded his system.
"I'm going to be a father again…" he blurted out. "Next month… a son."
"We are having a son…" he repeated.
William nodded. "Your mother told me. I saw some pictures of your wedding. Congratulations," he stated. "You're a lucky man, Spencer…"
Spencer stopped, eyeing up his father. "Why?"
"Why did she tell me?" William asked confused.
"No… Why am I lucky? What did I do to deserve that?" he asked, a sadness hinting in his tone.
"Why did you leave me? Why did you just turn away- How could you just turn away like that? I came here, just to ask you- and leaving them behind like that- It's killing me!" his voice rose slightly, starting to break under the emotional stress.
"I don't even want to stay here another second longer because I want to get back to them so badly! What kind of a person walks away from his family without a backward glance? Who can do that?" he snapped.
Spencer swallowed the lump in his throat, taking a deep breath, reining his emotions back in place.
"Sorry," he muttered, running his hands through his hair. "I shouldn't have come…" he started to turn away.
"Spencer…" his father's voice made his stop.
"I don't have those answers. I can't explain my decisions or justify them to you. I can only tell you that I did what I felt I had to back then… right or wrong, it's what I did."
"I can't change it. I can't- and I don't know if I should… I see you standing here now, the man you have become… and I think, maybe, you are who you are because I stayed out of your life… I didn't screw you up…"
Spencer barked out a sharp laugh.
"You didn't?!" he said sarcastically.
Will nodded. "You are going back…" he pointed out. "You'll stay; make it work, with your family…"
Reid thought about that for a moment. Had he planned on this subconsciously, all along? He couldn't imagine leaving Scarlett, his family… no. He couldn't.
And Scarlett knew. She'd seen it before he had. She told him to fight his demons.
And then come back to them.
Somewhere along the line, maybe because he was afraid of becoming like his father- he'd been mentally sabotaging himself, telling himself that he couldn't do it, that he wasn't going to be a good enough father to his son…
Because he'd been afraid of his own relationship with William. Because he didn't know what a father was supposed to do…
"I don't know how this is supposed to work," Spencer eyed up his father. "I don't know what I'm doing…"
William took a few steps closer, reaching out a hand to rest on his shoulder. Spencer was surprised when he didn't feel the desire to pull away. He kept his gaze leveled with his father's.
"You are going home. You are going to make it work, mistakes and all, and you'll do fine."
He offered a hand to Spencer, waiting to see if his son would take it.
Reid hesitated a moment. He took his father's hand and gripped it tightly.
"I would appreciate it if you would include me in your life," William stated quietly. "But I will understand if you don't. I know I don't deserve it… I won't push my way in…"
Spencer held his gaze. "I- uh, I'd like that, I think…" he surprised himself by saying the words. "I'll be in touch…" he backed away, slowly.
William Reid watched as his son headed back towards the car at the curb. He was just stepping back to his door when he heard Spencer call back to him.
"Do you play chess?" he asked.
William looked at him quizzically.
"Who do you think taught you?"
Spencer thought for a moment. "I don't remember," he admitted. "I'd like to play again, sometime…"
William smiled. "You know where I live. Bring your family by…"
Spencer felt a weight lift off of his heart. He smiled, genuinely.
"I will... uh, I- I mean, I think I'd like that…"
"So would I," the older Reid raised his hand, waving goodbye.
Spencer got into the car and pulled away, heading back to the airport. He hoped like hell that there was a return flight back tonight.