Prompt: All that salty processed food Phoenix eats finally catches up to him and he ends up with ridiculous, dead-man-walking high blood pressure. Because seriously, there's only so long you can live off burgers and salty noodles before it bites you in the derrière.
"And wouldn't you prefer that I bite you there instead?" Jean Armstrong fluttered his eyelashes and wiggled his hips coquettishly. "Come now, mon petit cochon doux, make the switch to French."
(...I want to say at least I'd probably live to regret it, but given his food, probably not.)
-xxx-
"Come closer, little man..." Angel Starr crooned seductively, before flipping her hair and whipping out a boxed lunch consisting entirely of what looked like smashed peas: "And try the Boxed Baby Special! Perfect for the pathetic man too afraid for his life to really live."
(Something tells me those ingredients weren't so much imported from the 'Far East' as they were from expired babyfood jars at the local supermarket. Gross.)
-xxx-
Larry wept as he cooked up hotdogs, each one apparently representative of a failed relationship. The list went on and on and on...
(I guess 'seasoned by tears' could count as a secret ingredient?)
-xxx-
"Don't worry pal, I know exactly how to manage meals when you're low on funds!" Gumshoe beamed. And then opened a fridge filled to the top with... nothing but frozen weenies...
(I actually love weenies, but, no.)
-xxx-
"Pah!" Ema scoffed. "Who needs full meals when ya got Snackoos? Plus, they're really good for pelting at people!"
(I want food, not a portable weapon!)
-xxx-
"Black as the night sky over your not-so-distant grave, bitter as the knowledge you have only yourself to blame..." Godot took a sip from his mug and gazed off into the distance. "Godot's Special Blend #666, Wright. Embrace your fate."
(I don't know which is worse, how depressing that speech is... or how awful this stuff tastes!)
-xxx-
"Borscht is so filling, dah? Like glue in tummy!"
(Oh yes, I remember. Pretty sure some of it is still clinging to my stomach walls even now. Pass.)
-xxx-
"Okay, so I was thinking we could get a cow!" Maya clapped her hands together excitedly. "Pearly would love a pet, and once it gets big enough, you can slaughter it and we'll make our own burgers-"
(HELL NO.)
-xxx-
"Hmph. Does it look like my career allows the time for any extensive culinary efforts?" Edgeworth smiled smugly, sipping at the tea that had been painstakingly delivered to his office from the Gatewater. "I do have the number of a highly recommended personal chef however, if you'd like?"
(Yeah, that'd do me so much good, because I'm totally made of money. That's not why this is an issue in the first place, or anything. Also, hey! What was with that emphasis on your career?)
-xxx-
"In my professional opinion as a doctor, this'll kill ya way sooner than later," Eldoon said, matter-of-factly. He flung noodles into a bowl with a wet 'splat!', followed up with the steaming broth, broke an egg on top, and slid the whole concoction across the wooden counter to rest directly in front of his most regular customer. Then, he grinned. "O'course, in my professional opinion as a noodle seller, there ain't nothing better out there! Salt's the salt o' life!"
(Well... given the alternatives...)
"To dying young, I guess," Phoenix sighed, and picked up his chopsticks.