Chapter Thirty-eight: Hi and Goodbye
He stood inside the hospital room listening to the sound of the equipment, the multiple machines performing their many jobs in the quest to keep the detective alive. In the gloom provided by a weak light he felt removed, outside of reality. Lying in the hospital bed, a pristine white blanket covering the many bandages to his chest, was by far the strongest man Danny had ever laid eyes. Only he no longer looked like a headstrong detective. The color had drained considerably from his features, his eyes looking sunken because of the shadows. A breathing tube passed between lips, the slow rise and fall of a damaged chest a silent promise in the depressing place.
Danny wanted to walk across the room, stride with purpose in each step until he stood beside the bed. Instead he found himself rooted in place, unsure if he should even be in the room. The others had left some time ago and surely by this late hour the visiting hours were over. But in his time with Sonny he learned how to be sneaky, how to get around authority and into places where he should not have been. Perhaps he thought if he moved he might set off some unknown alarm, trip on an invisible wire and send into motion the many doctors and nurses within the building. One step forward and he feared the door would open, someone in a white coat whisking him away before he got out a single word.
He swallowed finding his throat to be dry. He tried to lick his lips but the affect was not as desired. Shuddering he ran a hand through his hair. How many people had he helped hurt over the last few years? It did not matter to him that he did not have a personal hand in what happened. He never went out of his way to stop Sonny, never took that important step to place himself between the tyrant and his intended victim. So he was just as responsible for all those injured and killed by the hands of his former boss. At least where Sonny was he could no longer bring harm down upon those he deemed unfit. A small consolation prize considering what it almost cost in the end.
A good detective almost gave his life.
And for what, a foolish game Sonny wanted to play with Mac Taylor all because the two of them butted heads a few years back? Childish on the part of Sonny.
Stop thinking about him, Danny chided himself. Stop wasting so much time on someone who isn't important, on the person who fucked up your life. You're free now. You can do anything you want. So walk across the room and let Flack know how much you appreciate all he and his friends have done for you.
It sounded like the right thing to do, the move any person in his place might make. But still he remained where he stood, his heart beating out a frantic rhythm in his chest. Flack would not be happy to see him here no matter what words Mac passed along. The detective had nearly died because of him, because he felt he could not be honest with a man who wanted nothing more than to help him. A single tear of regret slowly eased its way down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand. This was not the time nor the place for such things.
As he listened to the beep of the heart monitor he wondered what he should do next, what move he should make in his life. Should he stay in the city and try to get through each day with its haunting memories? Or would he be better off somewhere else, somewhere far away from this forsaken city? Studying Flack, his black hair, the contours of his face Danny knew that leaving was out of the question. All his life he tried to hide the fact he preferred men over women. Oh, he was not gay, not be any stretch of the truth. There were many nights he got lost in the arms of women, drunk to the point he didn't care what the hell was happening. Another unwanted gift from Sonny.
But to feel love, to experience what it was like to have someone care for him the way he cared for them, it was entirely knew. His mother spoke of such things, the love evident in her eyes when she talked about her time with his father. He wanted that, to find the person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with. Could it be Flack? Was he supposed to be out there the day Sonny made the trip to the deli so that his path would cross with the detective's? Had fate been toying with him all these years, leading him along the wrong path and yet right into the arms of the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with?
Listen to yourself, you lunatic. One night of passion and you're already in love. Head over heels. Completely one hundred percent smitten. And you don't even know if he wants you the same way. For all you know you could be his rebound guy, the one he uses and tosses to the curb once his heart has fully mended.
Perhaps. Did it matter, though, did he care if Flack wanted to use him for only a short time before discarding him like an unwanted piece of trash? Of course not. To be loved, even for the briefest of times, it was the greatest thing in the world. And if in the end he got burned, then he would still be all the better for it. He hated to think what it must feel like to walk through life, to live every day and in those final moments of life know that love passed him by. To have never experienced such a strong emotion…
Danny took a step forward. He wanted a new life. He wanted to start fresh, to change things for the better. He wanted to be somebody his mother could love without those unspoken questions in her eyes. He wanted to know his brother was safe, to stop worrying about him. He wanted to get out of bed in the morning without that strong feeling of self loathing and hate. He wanted to wake up in the arms of someone who loved him, not someone just looking for a fun time.
He wanted to be with Flack.
He wanted to love the detective, to open his heart and let in a whole new world of possibilites.
Danny took hold of Flack's hand finding it rather warm given the amount of time he spent on the operating table, the amount of blood he lost. He moved his thumb in little circles over the back of Flack's hand enjoying the feel of their palms pressed together, their fingers intwined. What a beautiful feeling. He tried despeartaly not to think of the one time they spent in bed together, how caring and gentle, yet needy the detective had been.
Not thinking of those moments would make it easier on himself. He leaned forward, taking a moment to whisper a single word in the detective's ear before kissing him on the cheek. Danny gave Flack's hand a gentle squeeze wishing all the while he could look into the bottomless blue eyes once again. Then he let his hand slip free and turned his back, heading out the door without another glance.