We pull up to First Beach about a half hour before sunset. Late as usual. At least I was able to get Edward to agree to take the baby and my brother in his car. I'm pretty sure he'll never forgive me, but we have the rest of our lives for him to get over it. This was a delicate situation, and I wanted to deal with it on my own.
"What in a fuck is she doing here?" I've barely put the car in park, before Jane is out of the car.
"Fight," Lizzie's chants repeatedly, and practically bounces in her booster seat in the back.
I'd glare at her, but I'm too worried that Jane might actually get into a fight. Both these girls are a case of Karma kicking my ass. I hope like hell that Harrison doesn't turn into a hellion like his sisters.
"Stay in the car," I tell Lizzie, before climbing out of the car to chase after Jane, who is already in Lauren's face.
I manage to get in between them, and yell, "I invited her."
"Are you kidding me?" Jane stares at me in shock.
"Calm your tits, and let me explain." I try to gather my dignity, I am supposed to be the parent in this situation after all.
"We've been in contact with Lauren for awhile now, and we decided to invite her to join us."
"She barely knew him." Despite her tone, I can already see the fight leaving her, and I move in a little closer.
Lauren steps around me, speaking before I can. "I did know him, and I cared about him a lot."
I can hear the pain in Jane's voice, as I reach out to take her hand. Her eyes are fixed on the ground. She looks like she wants to punch something. It's like looking into my own face. Her anger and grief are like a magnet, drawing me into her personal space.
"Give us a minute, Lauren." I wrap an arm around Jane's waist and pull her away, walking down the beach toward the water.
"I'm not in the mood for a lecture." Jane rubs at her eyes angrily, the gesture almost looks like she's punching herself.
"Shit, no. Who do I look like? Edward?" I laugh to cover for a second, she totally caught me.
"You just have the mom face on," she sighs, and leans against me while we walk.
"Since my mother kicked serious ass, I'll take that as a compliment."
She doesn't say anything, just watches our feet sink into the sand as we walk along. I decide to give her a little space, and let go of her waist. We keep walking alone. The ocean making a low shushing sound as the water drags over the sand, leaving lines of foam in its wake. I remember drawing outlines of them in the sand with sticks when I was a kid.
"I know I'm being a bitch, but...I don't know. Sometimes, I just can't stop myself." The words burst out of her, along with fresh tears and I can feel my heart breaking while I watch it all tumble out. "I'm just so angry all the time, and I can't keep it from getting out."
"Then don't." A chill runs through me.
It feels like I've stepped through time to talk to myself. When I open my mouth, my mother's words come out. "Let it out, baby."
She stares at me like I'm crazy, her bright blue eyes are impossibly wide and her cheeks are flushed pink. The wind tosses her hair around, slapping it against her face, in some wild, furious dance. It takes every ounce of self control in me to stay silent and not touch her.
It starts with a soft, choked sob. The sound of the ocean and wind swallow it up, but there is no covering the way her face crumbles with the overflow of emotions. I step forward, wrapping my arms around her shoulders.
"This is fucking stupid." She shakes her head, letting out another hic-upped sob. "Shouldn't I be over it by now? After all these years?"
I sigh, and hug her tight. "There is no getting over it. You'll always hurt. You will always miss him, and think about him."
"I don't want to forget about him, I just don't want it to hurt as much." She pleads.
"That comes with time and living. Piling good days onto of the bad ones, until the good out weighs the bad." I step back to look at her flushed, tear-stained face, and it's like a strange photo-negative mirror. "But you need to stop bottling up this shit. If you don't get the anger out it's never going to stop, and that's no way to live."
She nods, sniffles and wipes at her face. "You make it sound easy."
I laugh loudly, shaking my head. "Sometime, I'll sit you down and explain just how not easy it is, baby. Trust me, it's a bitch and a half, but you're more than capable."
Jane rolls her eyes, but there's a proud smile grudgingly making an appearance as well. "You're supposed to say that shit. It's like in the mother code, or something."
"Well, how else am I going to earn my free toaster oven?" I gently tug on a lock of her hair and the smile goes into full bloom, and the tightness in my chest eases a bit.
The moment of motherly triumph is quickly broken by a small brown figure dashing across the beach. I turn and see little Harrison toddling toward the surf, like a little butterball on legs. Panic surges through every part of me, and I take off running without saying a word to Jane.
I scream his name, and fight the sand slipping beneath my feet to try to reach him. A towering mass runs past me. In seconds, Felix snatches Harrison up and spins him around. My suicidal toddler screams with joy and dissolves into fits of giggles. I'm so relieved that I'm nearly nauseous, but it doesn't slow my pace. I reach Felix and carefully take Harrison from his hands.
Harrison protests, slapping my face with a spit-wet baby fist. Ungrateful child, must be mine. I push his hand out of my face, shift him to my hip and give Felix a smile of gratitude.
"Thanks." I'm still a little breathless, and coming down from the adrenaline.
It takes me a second to realize he's not responding, or even looking at me. I glance over to see Jane standing right where I left her. She's staring at him like he's a mirage. Poor girl doesn't stand a chance. I shouldn't gloat, but it's nice for someone else to be stupid in love for a change.
"Good luck, buddy." I mumble, mostly to myself, since he's still staring at Jane like a starving man.
I leave them to talk, while I join Edward and the rest of the group at the fire pit. Jasper and Sam are already building a fire. Both working in a friendly silence that reminds me of how alike they are really are. I suppose it should explain a lot about my weird relationship with both of them, but I don't have time to dwell.
"Sorry." Edward jogs up to meet me, taking Harrison from me and gives me a kiss. "You know how wiggly this one can be."
"We're lucky Felix can run so fast." I poke him in the chest, and wave Lizzie and Lauren over. "Come help me unload the blankets.
Setting up the bonfire and seating doesn't take long. We're a small group, mostly people who knew Alec and Sam. After Sunset, Alice takes the kids to Bella and Jake's place. Which is my cue to pull out the beers and enjoy some non-mom time. Jane takes my keys, before she goes to sit beside Felix.
He called us a month ago, told us about how he would hopefully be returning to Seattle. The Seahawks were in talks with the Jets, trying to do some kind of trade for him. It was in the final stages, and he was pretty optimistic. It was Edward's idea to invite him tonight, and I'm glad he made the call. I haven't seen Jane this calm in years. There's something about this guy that sets her at ease, and judging by the way he smiles when he looks at her, she makes him pretty happy.
I remember when seeing two people like this used to annoy the shit out of me. Guess I've changed a lot, and good thing, too. Considering how much Edward and I still paw at each other, I'd be a giant hypocrite for pissing on Jane and Felix's parade.
Sam stands up, and starts his little speech. I guess it's traditional, though this is only the second year we've held a bonfire for Alec at First Beach. Still, it feels right, like tradition. I lean my head against Edward's shoulder and listen to Sam's voice.
"While Alec was not a member of the tribe, he was family and that connection is not a small thing. We are all linked, whether it is by blood or love, the connection we share is everlasting. A person's life is like a thread, weaving through several lives, binding us together, making us into something stronger and greater. When that person passes, even with the absence of the thread, we are still held together by his memory." Sam looks at me across the fire and bows in a manner I have only ever seen done at ceremonies before sitting down.
A chill passes through me. I try to shake it off, but it's hard to ignore the significance. Sam has been bugging me to join the Tribal Counsel for over a year now. Ever since I started working at the Indigenous Language Preservation Foundation with Clair and Esme. Edward and I are the primary contributors, upon his request. He says it makes him feel better about taking his family's money.
Now, I'm in Sam's sights, and he is like a dog with a bone. Acknowledging me in the way he just did, like one would to a chief, is meant to shake me up. He means business, and I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I am Sue Black's daughter, after all. The thought makes me smile. I look around the fire at my family, and I feel proud.
I wish you could be here too, Mom.