Chapter 38 - Two Steps Forward
Christian's POV
5am. I glance at the alarm on the nightstand for what feels like the fiftieth fucking time and flop against the pillows with a frustrated huff. I can't sleep, it's impossible to sleep and not only because Ana and I are fighting but because I'm not used to sleeping without her, it's only been a matter of weeks that we've been together but already she's became my talisman, her presence soothes me like a balm and when I'm without her I feel nothing but anxious and plain pissed off. Is she sleeping? Is she missing me like I'm missing her? Or is she laid in our bed cursing me for being the asshole that I am? Most probably.
The look on her face before she left my office still haunts me. Her tear stained cheeks, red and puffy eyes that looked so sore from the no doubt copious amount of crying pains me every time I think about it. But what really gets me, like reaches into my chest cavity, grasps at my heart and squeezes it until I feel like I am seconds away from passing out, was when she asked me if I was purposely trying to hurt her. That fucker stung like a bitch and what made it even worse was the fact that she meant every word, she actually thought that I told Chalmers about her attack out of spite and malice and that is something that I can't seem to wrap my head around no matter how hard I try. I know that I was wrong to tell him what happened to her and I should have never ran my mouth off like that and especially without talking to her about it first, but I would never do anything to hurt her. I love her. I just have to show her that, I have to prove to her that I know I made a mistake and fucked up. I want, I need to make this up to her.
I throw the covers off of me and sit up, kick my legs out of the bed and rest my elbows on my parted knees. I can't lie in this bed for one fucking second more it's starting to drive me crazy, I held off coming to bed until 3:30am purely because I knew that I wouldn't be able to shut my mind off and I was right, if anything it's sent my thoughts into over drive and I feel so fucking awake it's ridiculous.
Fuck this. I stand and pad towards the bedroom door dressed in just my boxers. The hallway lights are switched off and I don't even bother to turn them on, I know this apartment like the back of my hand and once I reach the great room the windows provide muted lighting so I can see my way around more clearly. I trail my fingers over my grand piano and contemplate playing something but decide against it because I don't want to wake Ana. If she's sleeping that is.
Before I even realise what I am doing, I find myself upstairs and stood outside of our bedroom door. The door is closed fully so I grasp the knob and twist it open quietly. The room is bathed in complete darkness so I flick the hallway light on instead of the night stand light, the glare of that thing will surely wake her up.
Ana is lying in the middle of the queen sized bed curled up into a ball, her beautiful hair is fanned across the pillow and she has one hand tucked underneath her cheek as she sleeps. She looks so peaceful. I creep closer towards her and bend over her sleeping body, I place my hands on either side of her torso and lean down slightly so that I can smell her hair, I nuzzle her soft tresses with my nose gently and breathe in her scent - she smells so sweet, so beautiful.
I notice the crumpled scrap of tissue screwed in her closed fist and I realise that she has been crying, she no doubt cried herself to sleep. Asshole.
"I love you so much, baby." I whisper into her ear and press a soft kiss to her cheek.
I want to climb into bed beside her, pull her into my arms and hold her until I fall asleep. I want to peel my tee-shirt off of her body and make love to her, prove to her that I love her and want nothing more than to make things right between us again. But I don't. Instead, I smooth her hair away from her neck and kiss her once more before leaving the room.
"Sir, is everything alright?" Taylor rounds the corner at the end of the hallway, dressed in a dark pair of jeans and a wife beater looking more than tired.
"Yes, why?"
"The alarms were activated and I saw you walking around the apartment on the security monitors." Of course, I didn't even think about the sensor alarms.
"Everything's fine, Just couldn't sleep. I'm headed to the basement gym."
"Do you need for me to accompany you, Sir?" I shake my head and wave my hand at him.
"No, it's fine. I just need some head space that's all, go back to Gail and get some sleep." One of us should be with our women right now. "I'll call you if I need anything." I pat him on the shoulder and walk past him.
He's not an idiot, he most probably saw me walking into the bedroom and back out again, that coupled with the fact that Ana and I were already arguing before we got home, pretty much gives it away that I'm sleeping on the couch.
I pound the treadmill for a solid forty five minutes before slamming my fist against the stop button. I'm not even that out of breath but the sound of my feet repeatedly hitting the belt was starting to give me a fucking migraine. I usually listen to my iPod but no doubt every song on there will make me think of Ana, everything makes me think of Ana.
I move on to the weights and work on my biceps, triceps and stomach for half an hour. Boredom starts to creep in before long and I decide to call it a day and get ready for work.
This is just fucking ridiculous, I'm dragging my feet like a petulant school boy who has just been grounded for the first time, since when did I huff and puff every ten god damn seconds? I need to talk to Ana and soon because I can't go on feeling like this, feeling like she hates me and blames me for something that I only did to protect her. It's making me feel sick.
As I step out of the shower, I realise that I need to go back into the bedroom to fetch my clothes as I have nothing in the guest room - The guest room that I've never even slept in before until last night. I'm expecting to see her still sleeping once I walk in but I hear the water of the shower running instead which surprises me, one thing that I have learnt about my girlfriend - She detests waking up early and stays in bed until the very last minute, resulting in her running around the apartment like a headless chicken so that she isn't late for work.
She's naked in there. She's wet and naked and on any other day I would be in that shower, pressing her delectable body up against the tiled wall and fucking her brains out. I miss her, I miss her so damn much and it's only been one night.
Like I've said before, this woman owns me.
Dr. West can see us at 1:30. Do you still want to do this?
Her text floors me. The fact that she has even contacted me fills me with relief but what does this mean? She still wants to go through with the joint therapy session after last night? Fuck, are we even ready for that? I decided to leave for Grey House as she was taking her shower thinking that it would be best to avoid each other for a little longer, the truth is, I haven't got a fucking clue what to say to her.
Is this what you want? We don't have to do this today.
No, we do. There are things I need to say and things you need to hear. So are you in or what?
She's got me by the balls. Well and truly by the skin of my nut sack.
I'm in.
I'm sure she does have plenty to say. And no doubt it's all about me being an insensitive asshole that doesn't give a shit about his own girlfriend, believe me when I say I can take that, what I can't take is Ana accusing me of betraying her. That is something that repulses me to the very core and I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear how she really feels about me.
"Mr. Grey, I have Miss. Kavanagh here requesting to see you." Kate? What the fuck?
"Send her in, Andrea."
Two minutes later, Katherine Kavanagh walks into my office larger than life. She tosses her blonde hair over her shoulder as she shuts the door and saunters into the room, this woman oozes confidence. Confidence or arrogance? Hmm, not sure which. Her pencil skirt sticks to her like a second skin and her blouse looks one size too small, how Elliot can allow his woman to dress this provocatively on a daily basis astounds me but who am I to judge. Ana doesn't exactly dress like a nun but she carries it off differently, she still manages to look demure while looking hot as fuck.
"Christian." She nods.
"Kate." I nod back. She gestures to the chair in front of my desk and sits before I can even say yes. "What are you doing here?"
"It's Ana." I freeze. I bolt forward in my chair and my breathing starts to accelerate. "Whoa, cool your jets it's nothing like that she's fine. I mean I'm here to talk to you about Ana. Want to explain why she was calling me at 1am this morning in floods of tears?"
"She called you?"
"Yep. I could hardly get an audible sentence out of her though, something about you being a thoughtless, disagreeable asshole?" See what I mean?
"Sounds about right." Her piercing green eyes bore into me, this is a woman that isn't intimidated easily and I know instantly that she is out for blood.
"What the hell happened, Christian? I thought you had both sorted everything out? Didn't the night of endless fucking blow the cobwebs away?"
"It did, we were okay and then I…Wait a minute, she told you about that?" A small smirk plays at the corner of her mouth.
"I'm her best friend, she tells me everything. You were saying?" She crosses her legs and shifts slightly to make herself more comfortable.
"We were fine. Then she went back to work and all fucking hell broke loose, she just doesn't realise when I am trying to protect her and it is so god damn infuriating. Why does she feel the need to be Miss fucking independent all of the time? What does she get out of it? Has she forgotten that she was fighting for her life less than a month ago? Because I sure as fuck haven't, it goes round and round in my mind every second of the day and I fear that if I loosen the reigns on her so to speak something will happen, something will happen to her and she'll get hurt again. I can't run that risk again, Kate I just can't. I love her so fucking much and the thought of losing her makes me feel sick, physically sick." I take a breath and sink back into my chair. I run my hands through my hair when I realise just how much I have said. I can't say that I've suffered from word vomit before. When I raise my head I see Kate looking at me impassively. She looks over her shoulder and points to the coffee machine with her thumb. Coffee. she wants coffee? Now? I nod and watch her as she walks across the room and makes two coffees in absolute silence. She places the cup in front of me before sitting once more, I sit stock still waiting for her to say something, anything. She blows on her drink several times and takes a long sip never once taking her eyes off of me, this is like fucking torture.
"What happened, Christian? And start from the beginning."
So I do. I tell her everything. From how the argument between us started and how it escalated, I explain everything that I found out about Bryce and how she disregarded my wishes by sitting in that fucking meeting, I tell her that I called Logan Chalmers and demanded for him to remove Ana from his project - Only for the fucker to shit on me and take her side over mine - And I tell her how I fucked up and told him that she was attacked, and how Ana found out and lost her shit with me. Resulting in her calling her best friend in the middle of the night hysterical. By the end of it Kate is resting her elbows on my desk, her head buried in her hands not moving.
"Fuck, Christian talk about creating one hot mess. What the hell were you thinking?"
"So you agree with Ana? You think that I was wrong in what I did?"
"It's not that you were wrong it's how you handled it, you charged right in there not giving Ana a second thought and as for you telling her boss what happened?" She pauses and rubs her forehead. "I actually understand why you did that and if it was me in your position I'm sure I would have done the same thing. You were trying to protect her and I get that, Ana just isn't cut from the same cloth." You're fucking telling me! "She just needs time to cool off that's all, she's stubborn and she's argumentative, she doesn't find apologising an easy thing to do and she won't do it until she's completely ready, so if you're waiting for a sorry anytime soon don't hold your breath."
"I couldn't give a fuck about the apology, Kate, I just want her to understand why I did it. Bryce is a first class sleaze ball and I don't trust the asshole around my girlfriend." She chuckles and rolls her eyes.
"Christian, that's something that you're gonna have to get used to trust me, Ana has had men lusting over her for longer than I can remember and that's not going to change anytime soon, have you seen those tits?!" Her eyes widen and mine narrow. Images of men hitting on her and talking dirty in her ear flood my mind and I feel my stomach wretch. I'm not a naïve idiot, I know that she wasn't exactly a virgin when we met but I can't stomach the thought of her being with anyone else other than me for more than a milli-fucking-second and even that's pushing it. She's mine. "She's unbelievably hot and gorgeous and men are going to be wanting her until she's in her eighties, you have to learn to relinquish some of that control you have on her, buddy."
"Control? I don't control her, Kate I protect her. After what happened to her don't you think I have a right to be a bit fucking paranoid?"
"So you wouldn't have acted like this if Brody hurting her didn't happen?" She leans forward, tilts her head and squints her eyes at me, daring me to disagree with her. "That's what I thought. You're a control freak, Grey always have been and no doubt always will be, I know it and so does Ana, that's probably why she's so pissed." This is a woman that has known me less than ten weeks, yet here she is sitting in my office, sizing me up and telling me how I behave. Normally I would be fucking pissed but I can't help agreeing with her. I am controlling and I am possessive, but that's something that I will never apologise for. Anastasia is the sole reason for my existence, I live and breathe for that woman and the day I stop protecting her is the day I grow a fucking vagina.
"So what do I do? She won't talk to me, Kate."
"Well, have you tried talking to her? Like properly talking to her and not through those henchman of yours?" I pull on my tie to loosen it and undo the top two buttons my shirt. Just thinking about this cluster fuck that is my life is making me feel hot and bothered.
"We slept separately last night, we didn't speak this morning and I've only just spoken to her now." Kate shakes her head and mutters something under her breath, something about being 'Immature' and 'Petulant'. She doesn't have to tell me. I know. "We're attending a joint session with her therapist this afternoon. So I'll see her then."
"Well, that's sure to go down like a cup of cold vomit isn't it? Is thrashing this out in front of the shrink a wise move?" This woman pisses the shit out of me half of the time but we're on the same damn wave length, she's like a female version of me.
"I'm apprehensive but it's what Ana wants." I shrug my shoulders. "And right now I'm prepared to do anything that she wants as long as it will make her happy." She leans forward in her chair and braces one bent elbow against my desk, she rests her chin in her palm and taps the desk with her fingers mindlessly as she purses her ruby red lips.
"Christian, I don't make a habit of tracking down my best friend's boyfriend every time they have an argument you know? And I know you probably think that I'm only here so that I can dish the gossip but that's not the reason." She pauses and glances down at her lap, clearly struggling to find the right words to say. "Look, I don't know the extent of what happened to her when she was living with her Mom and that asshole of a stepfather but I know that you do." My breath hitches in my throat and I freeze. What the fuck do I say to this? I don't know how much Kate knows and I don't know if Ana would appreciate me sharing anything with her, after all that is why we're in this mess in the first place, my apparent lack of respect for her privacy.
"Relax, I don't want to know if that's what you're thinking, if Ana wanted me to know she would have told me years ago. I guess what I'm trying to get at is she trusts you, she shared her biggest and darkest secret with you and to me that screams a thousand words. She wouldn't have told you if she didn't love you and wanted to be with you. That girl hurts easily and doesn't take affection lightly so don't be surprised when she tries to push you away because that's just what she does. Just don't give her a reason to shut you out okay?" Well fuck if that didn't make my stomach drop.
"I need to go, I'm already pushing it for the start of my shift." She picks her purse up off the floor and places it in the crook of her arm as she stands. "I only came to try and drill some sense into you, both of you. You're so damn meant to be it's sickening and we will all be seriously pissed if you mess it up over something so trivial, fix this before it's too late." She fixes me with a stern glare and walks towards the door, flashing me a brief smile before walking out of it.
She's right, she's so right I want to rip my eyeballs out and shove them up my ass, I know that this is a situation that could have easily been avoided and I take full responsibility. Yesterday - Fuck, five minutes ago I was sticking to my guns and placing the blame at both our doors but now I know I brought this all on myself. My jealous and possessive ways have driven her to breaking point and now I don't know what the future holds for us. How much longer will she stick around for until she leaves me? How much more will she tolerate?
Fuck, I need to get to this session.
"You're cutting it fine it's almost half past." Ana snaps at me as I sit down beside her in the waiting room. I do a double take as I turn my head and take in what she looks like. Holy. Fucking. Shit.
"Anastasia, what the fuck are you wearing?" Her head snaps in my direction and her eyes narrow into slits as she glares at me. Her lips part slightly and she shakes her head.
"Unbelievable, Grey. That's all you have to say to me after everything that happened last night?"
"No, it's not the only thing I have to say to you, Ana it's the first thing so answer me. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Wearing?"
"What does it look like, it's a skirt." She snarls.
"A skirt? More like a belt, why are you dressing like that for work? Shouldn't you be in something a bit more professional?" She rolls her eyes and crosses one leg over the other, her 'skirt' rides up flashing her barely covered thigh. The tights that she is wearing hardly provide any coverage and I can practically see her flesh through the fabric.
"This is professional, it's just you being an asshole. Again."
"No, actually I'll think you'll find it's me being a boyfriend, your boyfriend. I don't appreciate you looking like that at work, Anastasia, it's disrespectful."
"You are unreal. I will wear what I want and where I want, I always have done and I always will so you." She jabs her finger into my chest roughly. "Need to get over yourself." This woman infuriates me. She angers me until I feel like I can't breathe and then she pisses me off some more.
"Miss. Steele and Mr. Grey? Dr. West will see you now." The overly perky receptionist calls from over the top of her computer screen and Ana shoots up faster than a bolt of lightening, I hold in the groan when she strides past me giving me a perfect view of her amazing ass, her white peplum skirt clings to her cheeks perfectly and all I want to do is grab hold of the luscious mounds and sink my teeth into them.
Susannah West is sat cross legged on her over stuffed arm chair tapping away at her tablet, she peers over the rims of her reading glasses when she hears us enter and stands to greet us.
"Christian, it's been a long time." She kisses me on the cheek and smiles widely at me. I've known this woman ever since I was ten years old and she hasn't changed in the slightest. She still has the same shoulder length jet black hair, bright hazel eyes and tanned, olive skin. No one can deny just how attractive she is. "Come, take a seat." We both sit on the two seated couch and Ana sits as far away from me as she can making me roll my eyes, she's practically on the fucking edge.
"So, where do we want to begin today?" No one says anything, I'm already feeling uncomfortable and we've only been here two minutes. I glance in Ana's direction and see her fiddling with her fingernails with a blank expression on her face.
"Ana? Why don't you start." I hear her scoff and I know she will be rolling her eyes but I fight the urge to comment or even look at her. I'm not giving her a reaction.
"Where do I even start. A few days ago I knew exactly what I wanted this session to be about, I had it all planned out but now I really don't know, we have that many issues it's ridiculous."
"Well why don't you start with what's bothering you the most, the attack maybe?" I blanch and grit my teeth, I don't know if I can sit here and go over all of this again. Just the thought of it is making me want to throw up. "Has what happened affected you?"
"Of course it has, it's affected my everyday life and I can't see that changing anytime soon."
"Care to elaborate?" West gestures with her hand and smiles slightly. I hear Ana taking a deep breath and I do the same thing, do I even want to hear this?
"I'm scared. I'm scared of everything and it's driving me crazy, I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and wondering if he will come back for me and finish what he started, and let's be honest that's pretty ridiculous not to mention impossible, he's in jail and I have a whole army of security around me 24/7, I know he will never be able to come within a foot of me again it's just…" I turn my head and watch as she steels herself, she rests her elbow on the arm rest of the couch and rubs her forehead repeatedly as she closes her eyes and crosses her leg. I want to touch her, I want to hold her and tell her that everything will be okay but I can't, not only am I sure she would push me away I don't want to interrupt her, she needs to get this out. "I never thought he was capable of doing what he did, this was the man that I lived with for over a year and at one point I was planning my life with him." I suck in a ragged breath and pinch the bridge of my nose with my fingers, just hearing her say that feels like a knife twisting in my stomach.
"I fell for him instantly and wanted nothing more than to make him happy, I tried my hardest to be the perfect girlfriend even though I knew that I wasn't enough, I was never enough. He would spend half of the time on his phone and spending time with other people, he would come home from work late and act like a real asshole, slamming doors and snapping at me like a dog. Not to mention the silent treatment and coming to bed at a ridiculously stupid hour, only then did he want to speak to me and that was only because he wanted sex."
"Okay, enough!" I yell making Ana jump but West doesn't even flinch. "Do not go there, Anastasia and I mean it, I will get up and walk out of this room if you go into details about your fucking sex life with that asshole do you understand me?" I'm pointing my finger at her like she's a child.
"Christian, I think we should let Ana finish. This is clearly leading to something that she needs to talk about."
"Well hurry up and get there then because I fucking refuse to listen to that bull shit, you know better than that, Ana." She lowers her gaze and I see her nod her head gently. Finally, something we can agree on.
"I wasn't going into the details, Christian. I'm just trying to explain how unhappy I was, I would never hurt you with the details of my past relationships." She says in a soft, apologetic voice making my heart shatter into a thousand pieces. I reach over and stroke her arm gently letting her know that I'm not mad, I know I sounded like a real asshole there but I can't sit here and listen to how my girlfriend and best friend used to have sex. It's a big fucking hell no.
"I'm sorry, baby. Carry on it's okay." I smile at her and retract my arm, not wanting to push my luck.
"I thought I was happy, like really happy but I realise now that I was just fooling myself. I think I loved the idea of Brody more than I actually loved Brody, he seemed like the perfect guy when we met and I thought that he fell head over heels in love with me too, maybe he did I don't know, whatever it was between us it wasn't right. I realise that now."
"What made you come to that realisation, Ana? That your relationship was wrong." I hold my breath and risk another glance in her direction, she bites her lip and twists her hand in her lap, rubbing her fingers on her left hand and once again I picture an engagement ring there. Fuck, Grey not now.
"I met Christian." My heart stops beating, I swear it actually stops beating. "When your boyfriend's best friend makes you feel things that he couldn't even dream of making you feel you know that something's wrong somewhere down the line." She chuckles and I can't help cracking a tiny smile, just hearing her say that fills me with absolute fucking joy.
"What sort of things?" Ana's cheeks flush slightly making her look even more adorable than she does already. So sweet.
"Happiness, normality, lust, desire" She looks down quickly and hides her face with her hand and coughs uncomfortably. "Arousal." I fight the urge to sit up straight and grin like the cat that got the cream. Damn straight I made her feel aroused. Images of our first night together flicker through my mind making my dick twitch. "We just had an instant connection, it was undeniable and intense."
"Christian, do you agree?"
"Absolutely." Ana and I look at each other properly for the first time since the session started and share a secret smile. When it boils down to it we are still those same people who fell in love, we fight, we argue and we piss each other off to the maximum but no one can deny how right we are together. It's like Kate said earlier, we're meant to be.
"Christian, Ana has already shared with me how your relationship began and how you came to be a couple, she has also told me about the ramifications your coming together had on people around you. Especially Brody." Well, there goes my little glimmer of happiness. "The drug abuse? That must have been incredibly hard on you to witness." I shrug my shoulders.
"He took the easy way out, he could have chosen to get help and be happy but he didn't, instead he chose to throw his life down the drain and push the people who loved him the most away. I don't feel anything for him." She studies me for what feels like hours, her eyes rake over me and I can tell she is sizing me up and trying to figure out if I'm being honest or not, the truth is I am. There was a time where I felt sorry for Brody but that feels like a long time ago now, I feel nothing for the boy except hatred and contempt.
"It must have been hard for him, seeing the two of you together with the history you both share."
"I don't give a fuck. What he did was inexcusable, in fact inexcusable doesn't even begin to cover the sheer depravity of what he did." My voice raises several decibels as I feel the anger rising in me. This is what talking about him does to me.
"But even so, his best friend and his girlfriend starting a relationship after only just meeting? It couldn't have been easy on him."
"Why the fuck are you defending him?"
"Christian." Ana interjects but I'm not listening, all I can focus on is the fact that this woman in front of me is defending the bastard who almost killed my girlfriend.
"He attacked her, he stabbed her and she almost died, I had to sit there and watch the woman I love more than anything in this world attached to machines and wires and fucking IV leads while I prayed for her to wake up, I begged for her to open her eyes and be okay and the whole time my best friend was the person responsible. I found my girlfriend bleeding and unconscious on the fucking floor and I thought that she was going to die, so no, Dr. West I won't see his side or think about how hard it was for him because all I can think about was how hard it was for me." I exhale a ragged breath and close my eyes, I open them again when I hear sniffling coming from my left. Ana is looking at me with tears swimming in her beautiful baby blue eyes, she blinks and one falls onto her cheek and rolls down her face, I reach over and swipe it away with my thumb gently. I don't want to make her cry. "Shh, baby it's okay." She turns her head effectively yanking away from my touch and wipes her wet cheek with the back of her hand roughly.
"When it comes down to it, the bastard attacked my girlfriend and left her there to die. So excuse me if I'm struggling to see his side on this." She's tapping on her tablet as I speak and not once does she look up and acknowledge me, she has known me since I was a kid but right now I'm just a patient and any personal feelings between us were left at the door.
"Why has this upset you, Ana?"
"I don't know, just hearing Christian talking about it I guess. It's hard to hear." She continues to sniffle as she leans forward and grabs a tissue off of the coffee table in front of us and dabs delicately underneath her eyes.
"Have you spoken about this before?" We both shake our heads no. "Why is that?"
"I don't like to burden Ana with my shit, she has enough to contend with and all I want to do is help her to get better."
"Do you find it difficult to discuss? I can imagine it must have been a terrifying time for you Christian." No fucking shit! I glare at her with blank eyes, what the fuck does she expect me to say to that?
"Of course it was, I thought I was going to lose her at one point and I don't think I'm quite over that just yet." I turn to Ana and scoot closer towards her, I want to touch her and hold her but I don't know if she's ready for that. "Seeing you in that hospital bed all cold and pale, I didn't know what was going to happen and it petrified the living shit out of me, Ana. You were rushed into fucking surgery as soon as we got there and I thought…I thought you were going to die." My voice cracks as I relay those god awful few hours, never will I experience a more horrifying moment in my life. She looks into my eyes as her bottom lip quivers slightly but this time she doesn't let the tears fall, she just looks at me for what feels like forever scouring my face.
" You want to protect Ana? That much is obvious." I just nod without looking at her, not wanting to break eye contact with Ana for a single second. "So much so you feel the need to interfere with her career?" But that makes my head whip round in a split second.
"What? What's that supposed to mean?" Ana lowers her gaze sheepishly and fiddles with her fingers again, something that she clearly does when she's nervous.
"I spoke briefly with Anastasia on the phone this morning, she explained the real reasoning behind this joint session today."
"I thought the reason was so that we could talk about what happened with Brody?…Ana?" Silence.
"It was, but after yesterday I've changed my mind. What you did, Christian…I think that needs addressing more than anything don't you?" I run my hands through my hair and tug roughly at the roots.
I knew it. I knew this was going to happen.
"You know why I did it, Ana. Do we really need to be in this room to discuss it?"
"Yes, actually we do. Because I have been thinking about it all day trying to decipher why you did what you did and I just can't think of a good enough reason that justifies it."
"How about I love you for starters? And that I want to take care of you? Doesn't that count for fucking anything?"
"You went behind my back, Christian. You told Logan knowing that I didn't want you to, I…This is…I don't even have words for what this is." She stutters and crosses her arms against her chest.
"For fucks sake, Anastasia you're reading far too much into this. You disrespected me, I acted on it and we argued, but I did not tell Chalmers because I wanted to hurt you, you have to believe me when I tell you this."
"Do you believe him, Ana?" Dr. West interjects.
"Part of me does, but the other part of me is still so hurt and…Betrayed." There goes my gut again, it's dropped into my fucking ass. "I told you before I went back to work that I didn't want anyone to know what really happened, I even orchestrated a bull shit food poisoning story, fucking food poisoning! That's how much I wanted to keep this a secret and you went and blew it without a second thought!" She slaps her hand against her forehead and breathes deeply, the annoyance of this conversation evident on her face.
"Why did you want to keep what happened a secret, Ana? Why is the thought of everyone knowing so terrible?"
"Isn't it obvious? I don't really relish being the office gossip."
"Are you ashamed?" I freeze. As soon as the words leave her mouth I freeze. "Is that it. Ana? Are you ashamed of what happened?" I look at my girlfriend and wait for her to answer, her eyes are fixed onto West in a death cold stare and unwavering.
"Would you like everyone knowing that you were attacked by your ex boyfriend? Being branded a victim by people you have only just met." My mouth goes dry and my throat tightens uncomfortably, what is this? What does she mean?
"Baby?" I say when she stops talking, her eyes meet mine once more and instead of them being filled with anger and disappointment, they're filled with fear and trepidation. My heart twists and turns making my skin turn clammy. Is this what this whole argument boils down to? Because she feels ashamed of what happened to her?
"Don't act shocked, Christian. You knew that I didn't want this getting out, you knew." Her voice wobbles and tears form in her guileless orbs once more. I don't waste another second, I move closer and pull her into my arms, holding her head against my chest tightly. The first sob escapes her throat forcing the dam to break altogether, her tiny frame racks and shudders as she weeps against my shirt, the fabric absorbing her tears.
"It's okay, baby I'm here, I'm here." I don't shush her or tell her not to cry, I just rock her back and forth while I stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head over and over again. She needs this, she needs to let this out. I vaguely register Dr. West standing and leaving the room but I don't say anything, I just continue to hold my girl until her sobbing eventually seizes.
She goes limp against my chest and finally melts into my hold, burying her tear stained face into my neck and wrapping her arms around my back and shoulders. It feels so good to touch her, to smell her. Fighting with this woman feels so futile and petulant compared to how good this feels, how right this feels. She pulls back after what feels like hours and attempts to wipe away the tears with her hands, as if she is trying to cover up the fact that they were ever there but I stop her, I grab her wrists gently and pull her hands away from her face, she doesn't fight me, she just lets me wipe my thumbs over her damp skin until the tears are no more.
"Why didn't you talk to me, Ana? I could have helped you, I would have helped you."
"And say what ?" She sniffs. "That I'm a pathetic loser who feels guilty for getting stabbed? There wasn't a chance in hell that I would allow myself to humiliate myself like that, Christian." I grasp her face in my hands and look deep into her eyes, I'm feeling more and more nauseated as this conversation goes on. The thought of her feeling this way this entire time makes me want to hurl right here in this office.
"Listen to me, Ana, you have nothing to be ashamed about and you shouldn't feel guilty for what happened for a single fucking second do you understand me? None of this was your fault and no one would think that it was, you were the victim to a horrific attack." She tenses at that word and tries to wriggle free but I hold her fast and still. "You were a victim, Ana and I don't want you to feel at blame for that anymore, promise me that you won't." She blinks rapidly and more tears fall but this time they fall silently, she doesn't sob or cry she just lets them fall as she returns my intense stare.
"I don't blame myself for getting attacked, Christian, I blame myself for what happened leading up to the attack. I should have never left the apartment without security, I was stupid to think that nothing would happen."
"You couldn't have foreseen this, baby none of us could. It should never have gotten that far but it wasn't anyone's fault except Brody's, and it definitely was not your fault so don't say things like that." I press my lips against her forehead and close my eyes as I savour the feel of her soft skin against mine.
"I still feel like an idiot, and I don't want people asking me questions because that's what the truth boils down to, my stupidity and recklessness." I want to scream. I want to shake her until she listens to what I am saying but the rational part of me knows these feelings won't just vanish into thin air, her insecurities run a lot deeper than I could ever imagine and that kills me.
"You are the most strongest, most bravest and downright amazing woman that I have ever met, Anastasia Steele. I wish you had told me about this sooner, baby, you should never have to carry these feelings around with you for more than a minute okay?" I stroke her cheek and kiss the tip of her nose softly, I yearn to be closer to her but she still seems fragile and the last thing I want to do is piss her off again. She rubs her nose with her sleeve and sniffs.
"I didn't want to bother you, besides I knew you were worried about me and I didn't want to add to that worry even more. Please don't be mad at me."
"Baby, I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you, except for you thinking that you're a bother to me. That just plain pisses me off." She chuckles softly and shakes her head before turning serious again, we sit in silence for several more minutes just looking at each other and stroking one another's arms before West walks back into the room again.
"Is it okay if I come back in?" I nod and smile. "I thought you needed a few minutes alone." She crosses her legs and places her tablet back into her lap, carefully balancing the device on the crook of her knee. This is why I wanted her to be Ana's therapist, she's patient and thoughtful instead of pushy and overbearing and that's what makes her achieve the results she does, I don't doubt for a minute that if this was any other shrink they would be psycho analysing every movement that and Ana and I make.
"Can I ask what you were talking about?" I look at Ana and tilt my head to the side, beseeching for permission but she shakes her head.
"Actually, Dr. West, would you mind if we left it here for today? I know we still have a lot to talk about but I feel like if I talk anymore I'm going to cry again and I really don't want to do that, I'm so sick of crying."
"Do you want to talk alone, Ana? I'm sure Christian wouldn't mind stepping out if you did." I want to tell her that actually I do mind but I don't need to because my girl steps in instead.
"No, that's not it. I want to speak in front of Christian but I just don't want to do it today, I feel drained. I feel so drained." My heart breaks for what feels like the thousandth time this session, she looks so pained and distressed and all I want to do is fix her.
"Of course, I understand. Shall we reconvene say next week? Both of you?" I nod and lace my fingers with Ana's as I pull her up without any effort, she wishes Dr. West goodbye in a meek voice and follows me to the door.
"Do you want me to take you home, baby?" I ask her once we're back in the waiting room. Ana shakes her head and pushes her hair off of her face.
"No, I want to go back to work, I need to distract myself for a few more hours." I hate the thought of her going back to work but I know better than to argue, she clearly needs to keep busy and after that revelation I will give her anything that she wants.
"Okay, baby. See you tonight?" She nods and leans into me slightly making my heart skip a beat, her soft hand strokes my jaw and I can't help but close my eyes, her touch means everything to me. Everything.
"See you tonight." I'm desperate to feel her lips on mine and when she makes no move to kiss me I can't deny the painful pang of disappointment that shoots through me, but I know I can't push her. She'll kiss me when she's ready.
"Come, baby, I'll walk you outside.
Anastasia's POV
I managed to keep myself busy for all of two hours, after that I felt like banging my head against my desk until I passed out. I knew that I wasn't in any fit state to return to work this afternoon but I couldn't face coming back to the apartment. All I would do is drive myself crazy thinking about what I said at Dr. West's office and I wasn't ready to deal with that.
I press the button for the penthouse and lean against the railings as the elevator begins to ascend. Was I right to admit to Christian how I have been feeling? Undoubtedly he will worry a thousand times more than he already does but I don't know how I would have been able to keep this secret bottled up for a minute longer. When Dr. West asked me if I felt ashamed it was like the brick wall that had been protecting me was knocked down and I was powerless to rebuild it again, one look from my man and I was nothing more than a bag of emotional mush.
"You go on in, Miss. Steele, I'm going to find Taylor in his office." I frown as I watch Sawyer walking down the hallway that leads to the staff headquarters and Taylor's office, what was that look all about?
I drop my bag next to the door as I enter the great room and stop dead in my tracks when I see what is in front of me. Candles. Everywhere. The entire floor space is covered with tiny tea lights that bathe the room in a warm and intimate glow, I take two steps forward, then three then four until I round the corner and see even more candles. They're adorning the kitchen counters and the breakfast bar as well as the dining table and right there in the middle of the flickering flames is Christian. He's standing in the centre of the room leaning against the grand piano with his strong arms folded against his chest, he's changed out of his work clothes and into a tight, white tee shirt and light wash jeans that make him look so unbelievably hot it should be illegal. His bright but shy smile lights up the room more than all of these candles put together and my heart melts.
"What the…How the…What?" I stutter and point with my thumb making him grin that adorable grin that I love so much. He uncrosses his ankles and strides towards me, never tearing his eyes away from mine.
"I have some making up to do, and I thought that after today you would appreciate a bit of down time." Okay who is this and what has he done with my boyfriend? The boyfriend whom I was arguing with until the early hours of this morning? The boyfriend who hurled a glass across this very room because he didn't agree with my point of view? "You need some relaxation, baby, and that's exactly what I plan on giving you." He bends down and presses a soft kiss behind my ear making me shiver, whenever he kisses that spot it makes my insides turn to jelly.
"How? Don't you want to talk about what happened today?" He shakes his head and strokes my cheek gently.
"We can talk later, right now I just want to relax you, is that okay?"
"What did you have in mind?" He smiles and gestures to behind him with his arm. He's pushed the coffee table against the far wall and laid out a soft fluffy rug and several pillows on the floor, I look at him and raise my eyebrows in confusion.
"I'm going to give you a massage baby. You've been so tense and stressed and I want you to just let me take care of you." He breathes in between the soft, languid kisses that he is leaving against the skin on my exposed collar bone making my sex spasm slightly.
"Where do you want me?" I feel him grin against my neck before he pulls back and looks at me with mischievous eyes, he pulls on my hand and leads me to the make shift massage area and instructs me to remove my clothes. All of my clothes. When I drop my bra onto the pile along with my panties, skirt and blouse, I turn to him fully naked and watch as his eyes rake over my body hungrily, his lips part and I see his chest start to heave but after a few seconds he shakes his head and tells me to lie on my stomach.
I gently lower myself onto the blanket and pull my hair off of my back and shoulders out of the way, soft music fills the room from the iPod station and I feel him straddling the backs of my calves, I can instantly tell that he has removed his jeans as I feel the soft fabric of his boxers brushing against my flesh, not to mention his evident arousal. After a beat his slick, oiled hands touch my shoulders and begin to work into my skin, the pads of his thumbs pressing into my shoulder blades in all the right places. Ughh, that feels so good. I'm not even surprised in the slightest that he is an excellent masseuse, he just has those hands that you know are able to work wonders without even trying. His fingers glide down my shoulders and spine and back up again making me shiver and whimper.
"Shh, just relax, baby." His sexy, baritone voice floats through the air instantly calming me. This is just too god, damn good.
His knuckles knead into my shoulder blades using just the right amount of pressure and this time I don't even try to fight the moan that escapes my lips, my fingers curl around the pillow next to me as he continues to, stroke, knead and rub the entire surface of my back. From what started out as extremely relaxing is slowly starting to turn me on, just the feel of his hands on my oily skin is making me wet in all the right places and before long I feel my breathing start to quicken. He works on my back for what feels like hours, easing every single ounce of tension that I was once feeling out of my muscles. He was right, I did need this.
"Does that feel good, baby?" He purrs. He actually fucking purrs and damn if the sound didn't make me wet.
"So good, Christian. Don't stop."
"I don't plan on stopping anytime soon, beautiful. Just enjoy it." Enjoy it I will!
I feel his strong hands, glide from my lower back to the mounds of my ass and my hips automatically rise off of the blanket but Christian holds me in place, he kneads and massages each cheek in turn and when he rocks his pelvis against my leg and grinds his erection into me I have to turn my head into the pillow underneath my head to stop me from crying out. Holy Mother of all that is Holy!
"Christian.." I moan.
"Hmm?"
"Again. Do that again."
"Do what, baby? This?" He pinches each ass cheek and grinds his dick into my leg again making me groan like a brazen hussy. I feel him shuffle down my legs until he is practically sitting on my feet as his hands move to the tops of my thighs. Oh, fuck he is so close to my sodden sex it makes my heart skip a beat, his fingers continue their ministrations on my legs and I feel him growing harder with each movement that he makes. This is turning him on just as much as it is me. Suddenly, his lips are on the sensitised skin of my shoulder blades, not once does his massaging stop or waver as he kisses me if anything he's even better, each stroke is more firmer than the last and by this point I am hot, writhing mess on the floor. My hand is reaching behind me for his hair as I lift my neck and crane it around so that I can look at him, he is practically laying on top of me and the weight of his body is sending me into a frenzy. When did he take his shirt off?
"You are so beautiful, so sexy." He whispers into my ear and bites on the lobe making me moan like a sex crazed nymphomaniac.
"Please." I beg.
"Please what, baby?"
"I need you."
"You have me. Now turn over for me, I want to massage your front." Ughh, is he going to repeat all of that on my boobs? I really will combust if he does. "So beautiful."
He squirts more oil into his hands and places them at the base of my neck, applying gentle pressure at the column of my throat, I close my eyes and breathe deeply through my nose as he glides down my sternum and around the swell of my breasts, not once does he make contact with my attention starved nipples, he just continues to slide his hands and fingers around the mounds and occasionally brushing against my areolas. I'm panting heavily and moaning incessantly now, I'm so turned on I feel like I'm on fire.
"You have such beautiful breasts, Ana. So soft and warm." If he carries on talking like that I'm going to explode. He shifts again but this time he sits on the floor next to my feet.
Before I even realise what I'm doing, I lift my right leg and place my foot on his boxer clad erection, his eyes widen as his hands pause on my stomach and for a moment I think that he's going to reprimand me for making such a bold move, but instead he continues to massage my abdomen as his piercing grey orbs bore into my baby blues. I start to move my foot against his cock slowly, I flex my toes and stroke up and down, up and down and watch as his eyes flicker closed. His lips part and he rocks his hips into the ministrations of my foot, I speed up slightly increasing the friction, my movements only hinder when I feel his hands stroking the meat on my inner thighs. His fingers are so close, so dangerously close and the notion of that causes my walls to clench sending delicious spasms through my body, fuck this is going to be fast, I'm this close to coming and he hasn't even entered me yet.
"You are so hot, I could look at you all day, baby." Before I can even blink he is pushing my foot away and spreading my legs wide open. He bends forward and buries his nose into my wet and engorged flesh making me jump slightly.
"You smell so good. I just need a taste, a small taste, Ana." And then his mouth is on me. His tongue swipes all the way up my slit and back down again making my back arch.
One finger slides into me, spreading me wide as his tongue continues to lick, swirl and suck my clitoris. My upper body arches off of the floor as I make a grab for his hair, I thrust my hands into the thick locks and tug, I tug hard making Christian gasp and grunt against my wet flesh which only fuels my desire for this man. Not even thirty minutes ago I was dragging my heels into this building dreading what the night might bring, I was expecting to argue about today's session and what I confessed and I most definitely wasn't expecting this. Yet here we are, sprawled on the floor all over each other, clawing at each others skin when ever and wherever we can. Christian is devouring me like a starved man at a feast and I am loving every single second of it.
"Please, Christian. Please." I beg for something but I'm not quite sure what it is, I just need something - anything to push me over this edge that I'm teetering on, all I can feel is white hot heat surging through me and it's starting to make me dizzy. His mouth is relentless, more relentless than it has ever been and it is so intense. I'm shaking my head and tugging at his hair as my legs wrap around his shoulders dragging him impossibly closer. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" I open my eyes and look at him as he looks at me, I watch him pleasure me and when he sits up slightly so that he can wrap his hand around his throbbing dick, I come hard and fast. I spin into mindless oblivion for what feels like hours and hours, the spasms rack my body and my thighs tremble erratically, I can hear myself moaning, crying and whimpering as I ride my orgasm out and I'm surprised that Taylor hasn't rushed in here to see who is being murdered! I'm vaguely aware that Christian has removed his mouth from my sex and lifting me into his arms, only then do I return back to earth.
I open my eyes and find that we're now in our bedroom. Christian sits on the edge of the bed and pulls my legs around him so that I am straddling him, within seconds he is slamming into me relentlessly, over and over again he rocks his hips as he grabs onto my ass and digs his fingers into my skin.
"Fuck me, Ana. Fuck me hard." My eyes widen a fraction at his demand. This is new, he never asks me to take the lead and fuck if it doesn't turn me on even more. I place one hand on his shoulder and thread my other hand into his hair as I lift myself before dropping back down with incredible force.
I impale myself so hard I feel him in my womb making me gasp for air. I don't waste anytime, I rock, roll and trust my hips as I ride the ever loving shit out of my boyfriend. I fuck him to make up for last night, I fuck him to make up for this morning and I fuck him to make up for my erratic and bitchy behaviour. This man has been my rock throughout this shit storm that is our lives and not once has he let me down.
I acted like a complete witch last night when I found out he told Logan and instead of listening to him and hearing him out I pushed him away and sent him to sleep in the spare room. Never again will I treat him like that, he deserves so much love and attention and I vow to be the one that gives it to him. I yank his head to the side and suck on his neck roughly making him groan low and deep.
"I love you. I love you so much." I breathe into his ear and squeeze him internally, he wraps his arms around my waist and spills himself inside of me. He comes harder than I have ever felt him come before which pushes me into yet another mind, body and soul consuming climax.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
I push him backwards so that he flops against the bed and snuggle into his neck, not once do I even attempt to lift myself off of him and not once does he attempt to remove me. We lie here, in our bed panting and sweaty and satiated until our breathing calms. And even then the only movement that is made is by Christian pulling the comforter over my bare back. His hands smooth my hair away from my face gently making me smile against his chest. We don't speak and we don't move, we just lay intertwined until our eyes start to droop.
Nothing needs to be said right now. It feels like all we have done lately is talk and for once I just want to lay here in silence and bask in the afterglow of our lovemaking. I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
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Some seriously hot pictures for this chapter!