.
.
"How you feel about me?" Rodney whispers softly in disbelief.
"I'm not afraid anymore." John stares back with unmistakable longing.
Rodney's eyes get big; HE is afraid. Oh God. What's happening? This makes no sense. They're friends now and John said-
The questions disappear as John's warm hand snakes around his neck, pulling Rodney in and almost closing the distance between their lips.
Wait, no. He can't accept this is really happening, no matter how long he's longed for it. Rodney feels too vulnerable, more than he ever did back in Antarctica, back when John used to come to Rodney's room and just take what he wanted from him.
As John's lips lightly graze his, his breath hitches.
What the hell? John's never seemed capable of sharing something as tender as this. The only time John's reached out for him with any vulnerability was that rare moment in the back of the Jumper ...when John unexpectedly closed his arms around Rodney and held him. And just like that day in the Jumper, there is that same exquisite feeling of pins and needles now rushing across his flushed skin at the memory of how John's head fell to his shoulder as his body melted into Rodney's, his hand swaying across his back.
This feels too good to be true, something bad is going to happen. It will be like that perfect night they'd been laying under the stars together on the pier with thier hands brushing together. Rodney had finally summoned enough courage to show John how much more he wanted between them; how much he'd needed him, wanted him every night since John abruptly withdrew his sexual attentions without any explanation.
This is too good to be true. Nothing good ever happens to him. Rodney winces remembering the outcome of that night and John's painful rejection when he'd tried to kiss him. The way John looked at him with such fear and disgust… Then later when Rodney tried to bring it up just to apologize...
John shoved him up against the wall, screaming like he hated him, "I said, don't. Go there. McKay. EVER."
And Rodney hasn't dared to ever let himself imagine going there again. No matter that he's never been able to get over his feelings for John, he's happy enough for the friendship they've managed to salvage. Their friendship means everything to him now. If he were to lose that, it would break him. Completely.
"You?" Rodney croaks a breath in the small space between his mouth and John's, "But you-"
"I love you, Rodney, you have to know that…" John murmurs, his eyes intent, holding Rodney's gaze, "You don't know that? How much I've wanted you, how much I've missed you?"
"No?" Exhaling a tiny squeak, Rodney can barely breathe.
"Can I show you then?" John's arm moves behind his waist and he pulls their bodies up against each other, "Will you let me show you?"
"Uh, uh…I. Ye-yes.", Squeezing his eyes shut at the intensity of emotion, Rodney nods in surrender; dammit, he wants this more than he's ever wanted anything.
And then he feels the light pressure of John's mouth against his, John's lips curving into a smile before they part ever so slightly and kiss Rodney soft and sweet.
His body is going weak, sinking into John's embrace as another kiss closes over his mouth; reverent and chaste this time, but full with the promise of more.
Oh God. Rodney opens his eyes, blinking up at John, daring to allow his face to show the love he's kept hidden away. Clenched fingers unfurl and his hands reach back to touch John the way he's always wanted to, running them over the tight black shirt and feeling the lithe muscles underneath.
Taking those pouty lips in his at last, he kisses John back. A moan escapes him as John's fingers possessively slide around the nape of his neck, demanding more. Rodney grants John's tongue entrance; pins and needles become fireworks. As his tongue curls around John's, he is wobbly and lightheaded. Completely ignoring the warning voice in his head, he can't hold back anymore, this is pure bliss.
John stops, catching a breath and taking Rodney's face with both hands, "I love you so much." he makes a noise like it pains him to stop and pulls Rodney back into a deep kiss.
Butterflies everywhere... Rodney's stomach is doing flip-flops…, 'Oh John, I love you too. I always have, even your stupid adorable pixie ears; then he hears himself say it out loud, "I love you too… ever since you first seduced me, I think… but, but after you gave me that hug in the Jumper, I knew that I'd always-"
"Mmmm, that hug…" John groans and pulls back slightly to give Rodney a soulful, unguarded look, "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to tell you… to let myself- God-" John takes Rodney's mouth again speaking between kisses "I do love you."… "I love you"…
Reaching up, Rodney's grips John's unruly mane and rakes his fingers through it. Oh. He's always wanted to do that. Tightening his grip, he fists John's hair and thrusts into John's mouth with the same insatiable intensity.
His soul is brimming, spilling out into every touch he can share with John. When they finally pull apart, Rodney is trembling, so giddy and shaky he's having trouble standing.
"Let's get outta here." John smiles with mischief in his eyes, he grabs Rodney's arm and pulls him out the door as the two of them stumble back to John's quarters.
John is laughing and panting by the time they get there. Rodney starts laughing too, he isn't sure why, but it's so funny. Isn't it?
"Get over here." John grabs Rodney and pushes him to the bed.
Feeling suddenly vulnerable again, Rodney stops laughing, wondering at how surreal this all feels. 'Why now, after all this time?'
They've never talked about what happened in Antarctica, the drug induced sex back on Ford's planet, or anything else that's happened between them. It's all such a tangled mess, one that Rodney thought was locked away, forever behind them. He thought that's where John wanted to leave it, that they'd come to an understanding about their friendship; even if it was mostly unspoken.
If John's really wanted him this whole time why has he always pushed Rodney away? He's too afraid to ask.
John must see the confusion in his eyes as he leans down to kiss the crease on Rodney's brow, "You have no idea. I've missed you for so long."
Sighing, Rodney gives into his desire. If John really loves him, if he wants him now, it doesn't matter. Maybe one day he'll ask, but not now.
All Rodney knows is that John has never looked at him this way before, never dropped his walls, or let him in like this. It feels like John is trying to give him everything and Rodney wants all of it, wants to give everything of himself back.
They take their time stripping off their clothes. Kissing languidly, making up for all the lost time.
Marveling at the beauty of the man, Rodney kisses his way down John's chest, ready to take his gorgeous cock in his mouth.
But John rolls Rodney onto his back, moaning, "God, I want you so bad."
Rodney swallows, wide-eyed and eager, "You can have me. I've always been yours."
John lunges for Rodney's mouth, taking it hard and pumping Rodney's engorged cock with one hand. "I want to fuck you now, I've missed fucking you so much." He husks.
'God, yes.' he kisses John back; God, he's missed it too.
Breaking away for moment, John grabs a small bottle of lube from the bedside table and slicks his cock.
Oh, God, he still can't believe this is happening. Rodney's stomach flutters with excitement and a tinge of fear.
John seems to be reading his mind again, he leans down and kisses him tenderly, "I love you, Rodney. I just want to show you how much."
"Mmmmph." Rodney moans as John spreads his legs wide and teases his opening with slick fingers. He eases one inside to get Rodney wet, gliding a slippery hand over Rodney's cock with the other.
"Oh, God …John …Oh"
A second finger penetrates him, moving in and out. Then suddenly the slick tip of John's cock is pressed up against his opening; he wills himself to relax. He hasn't been with anyone since John. It was always a bit painful taking his impossibly huge cock and adjusting to the size. Rodney pushes down to allow entrance. It still feels like it's too big. But John is patient, watching Rodney's face to make sure he isn't hurting him.
"Ohhh." John shudders, "I forgot how good you feel." He eases his cock in, one gentle push at a time.
As he goes deeper, John leans down so he can kiss Rodney while working his way in.
This is so different than anything they've done before. Rodney blinks up with complete trust and wonder, wrapping his legs around John's waist and his arms around his back.
He gasps with each thrust, feeling so taken. His body belongs to John; he can do anything he wants to him.
When John gets all the way inside he makes a deep growl of pleasure, rocking his hips with half-slit eyes, "I love you too much. You make me crazy."
An electric thrill sparks all the way through Rodney's body as John moves inside him, sliding over the prostate. Lost utterly to oblivion, utterly helpless and under John's control; he's always been that way when it comes to John.
"Ah. Oh, God, so completely yours. Just you... only you… The way you fuck me… I can't… Oh. Can't resist."
"You don't have to." John thrusts harder.
"I don't, oh, want to. Oh." Rodney is trembling, "I can't. Oh God, yes. Keep fucking me like that. Don't stop."
"I won't… I need you, need you… so fucking much." John seems just as lost in the bliss, "How are you so tight? Jesus... God… Oh." His hand slides over Rodney's throbbing cock, "So good, Rodney…"
John is thrusting faster now, he gasps, "You're gonna make me cum so hard."
Rodney is so euphoric he doesn't even know what he is saying anymore. He hears himself making noise but his brain has stopped working. He's getting close, so close. He screams out John's name and his whole body shakes and convulses as John's cock pounds into him.
And then John is cumming too, "Fu-fuck. GOD!… Ahhhhhh!" he slumps onto Rodney's chest.
As the two of them lie there completely spent, murmuring to each other and kissing in the afterglow, Rodney realizes how afraid he'd been that John would act the way he did in Antarctica after they'd had sex; that he'd just leave afterword without even looking at him.
But he doesn't. He stays. He keeps holding Rodney in his arms and telling him that he loves him. Rodney is so happy he could burst, he can't believe John feels this way about him.
It just seems too good to be true.
When John's cock gets soft, he pulls out and Rodney gasps a little at the sensation of being empty. Getting up, John brings a small towel back to the bed. He starts to wipe the cum off Rodney's stomach, then stifles a laugh.
"What is it?" Rodney feels suddenly self-conscious.
John lets go of the cloth, leaving it on Rodney stomach. He stands back with his hand over his mouth, shaking his head in mirth.
"What's so funny?" Rodney frowns uncomfortably.
"You are… " John lifts his eyebrows at him, "You fall for it every time."
"Fall for what?" Rodney's eyes widen in apprehension.
"You know what." John grins.
Feeling far too vulnerable and exposed, Rodney shakes his head.
"You're just too predictable, McKay." John smirks, "All it takes is some guy to get rough with you, to treat you like you deserve to be treated and you think you're in love? I knew it. Ever since I fucked you back in Antarctica, you've still been pining away for me."
Why would John talk to him like this? Rodney hunches into himself at the horrible sensation crawling under his skin.
"But you said you... you love me?" His voice wavers uncertainly.
"No, I don't love you." John snorts derisively, "I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to fall for it.
Blinking at the sudden sting of tears, Rodney tries to understand, "But, but, this isn't you. Even if you don't love me, you wouldn't treat me like this. Would you? You wouldn't try to hurt me purposely… just because I care about you?"
"No one could ever care about you, Rodney." John's face takes on a cruel expression, "You know that. You're the most unlikeable person I've ever met and yet… you'd believe that I could love you? So arrogant. You're an arrogant shell wrapped up in a quivering, pathetic mess."
Rodney curls into a ball to hide his tears and protect himself from John's hurtful words.
"But you love me, Rodney." John taunts him, "You liked being treated like a little cum-rag back in Antarctica. Admit it, I roughed you up and messed with your head. And when I was done with you I threw you away."
"But why would you do this?" Rodney gasps, his shoulders curl into himself, shaking as he quietly chokes back a sob.
"I wanted to see just how pathetic you really are." John's voice sounds emotionless, "And you know what, Rodney? It's really fucking pathetic how easy you are."
"I'm sorry, John," he sobs in earnest now, "I don't mean to be pathetic." But he knows he is, Alex always said so; and he'd do anything right now to make John like him again, to stop John from hating him like this.
"Please, John, I'm sorry." Rodney begs. This all feels too familiar.
"You disgust me." John states plainly.
There is a deep pain in Rodney's chest, like his soul is being crushed. There's no coming back from this. No way he can face John now, he's going to have to resign. Heaving, Rodney can't stop crying or move from his protective ball. He pulls as tightly into himself as possible. He thought John cared about him, at least as a friend. That's what he'd said. He'd said...
Sobbing in rough uneven rasps Rodney can't live with this feeling of what he's lost, even if it wasn't real. John doesn't care about him, they aren't friends, he just thinks he's pathetic and disgusting.
Strong, rough hands rip Rodney's arms away from his chest and push him back on the bed.
But it isn't John, Rodney realizes in horror. It's Alex.
Cold terror runs through his body. How did Alex get to Atlantis? Where did John go?
"You're so pathetic when you cry." Alex wrestles Rodney down onto his back.
A hard slap stings the side of his face, "Look at me when I talk to you and stop fucking crying, you pathetic baby. You know it ruins my hard on when you cry."
Rodney remembers this part; it's all too familiar. Helpless dread seizes him and he is frozen, afraid to move. Alex will hurt him worse unless he submits, unless he lets him inflict whatever indignity and humiliation suits his whim.
"Please, no." Rodney begs softly, another sob causing him to choke.
"You know what you are good for?" Alex sneers, "Nobody fucking wants you. You're nothing but a cum rag, a little whore that likes to be used up. You're lucky I'm willing to use you at all. Look at your pasty, weak body; you're a sniveling little weakling. Tell me what you are, Rodney."
Shaking in fear, the words catch in his throat, "I-I'm a cum-rag." Rodney thought he'd escaped this old nightmare.
"Yes." Alex caresses Rodney's face, "You're my little cum-rag. And I'm going to use you now because that's all you're good for."
Straddling Rodney's neck, Alex smacks him in the face with his hard dick, "Now suck me."
He roughly shoves his cock down Rodney's throat causing him to gag.
How is this happening? It will hurt more if he fights back; Rodney knows this.
He tries to suck the way Alex wants him to. Alex holds his face down and thrusts into it savagely. Rodney's throat is raw and burning as he struggles to breathe.
How did he get back here?… to this place where Alex is humiliating him sexually?
Alex finally releases his hold and pulls out. He grabs Rodney's face and smashes his lips together, "You're so inadequate in every way. You can't even get me off with your mouth."
"S-sorry." Rodney trembles.
"You're sorry!" Alex digs his finger so hard into Rodney's face he can feel the nails scraping his skin, "You disgust me… I'm going to have to be rough with you now and it's your fault."
Rodney flinches and hates himself for being so weak, for not even trying to fight back. But knowing what Alex is capable of terrifies him. He's so much stronger and the things he did to Rodney in the past when he showed even the slightest resistance were so brutal.
"Just look at you, you're so pathetic." Alex hisses, "Everything about you is just begging to get fucked, to be used up." He twists Rodney's nipple painfully.
Trying not to seem pathetic, Rodney submits in silence.
Pulling Rodney's legs apart, Alex shoves himself inside with a single unforgiving thrust. The cum left behind by John adds some lubrication, but he's still sore from taking John's huge cock and Rodney cries out in pain. Where did John go?
"I told you to shut up." For his sound of defiance, Rodney gets slapped again; he swallows a stifled whimper.
It hurts, but Rodney bites his lip to hold back the tears.
Alex leers over him, taunting him as he ruts inside, "That's right… Feel my cock inside you… taking your worthless ass. You're nothing… Good for nothing… little cum rag. You like that? You do. I can tell. You like to be used."
Rodney knows Alex is trying to hurt him and make him cry by the way he is pounding and twisting his legs into unnatural positions. His body is wracked with pain but he isn't going to give him the satisfaction. He bites down harder on his lower lip and tastes blood.
The physical and verbal assault seem to go on forever. Alex knows how to make it last, how to break Rodney down until he is nothing, until he feels like dying.
In his mind, Rodney is back in the apartment he and Alex used to share together, trapped, worthless, disgusting.
Oh God. He doesn't think he can take it anymore; there is that horrible, unbearable crawling sensation that makes Rodney want to claw his way out of his own skin, to do anything to escape being in it.
Even John thinks he is pathetic and disgusting. The one person Rodney thought…
Oh God. He really does want to die now. He can't take it anymore, he's going to break down and start crying like the pathetic worthless baby Alex says he is.
"Such a stupid little cum rag…" Alex grunts, "I'm gonna make you take my cum."
That's what Alex always used to say when he was about to climax. Oh God, thank God, it's almost over.
"Yeah, yeah," Alex speeds up, thrusting viciously in and out of Rodney's ass. "Oh, yeah, Gahhhhhhhhhhhh." The cock inside him swells, the humiliation is complete.
As Alex quickly rips his dick out of his ass, Rodney accidentally releases a small yelp.
Usually Rodney has to keep his legs open until Alex gives him permission to close them. At least, that's how it was in the end.
So Rodney stays on his back silently, with his legs spread.
He feels the cool drip of cum as it starts to leak out of his sore and battered ass.
And then, despite his best efforts, Rodney feels the tears starting to drip down his cheeks again; stinging slightly in the small abrasions Alex left on his face.
"Don't cry," Alex stands over him dispassionately, "you're so ugly and pathetic when you cry."
"I-I know…" Rodney's lip quivers, "Sorry."
.
.
Something cold pulls out of his head, it hurts and Rodney falls forward to the ground.
He is in a cell. Rodney remembers where he is now.
Ronon, Teyla, and Elizabeth are on the floor with him. Then he sees, Oberoth, the leader of their captors literally pull a hand from inside John's head.
Right. They're on the Asuran homeworld, he recalls. Not long after gating here, they were imprisoned by these people... No, not people, machines. Only nanite-based life forms are capable of melding with flesh and creating false realities in the mind like this. In the Milky Way they called these kinds of machines 'Replicators'.
Rodney blinks at John with a mixture of anger and confusion as he watches him shudder, falling back to the floor of the cell with the rest of them.
"What the hell just happened?" John shouts to the retreating figures, "Who the hell are you people?"
"They're not people, they're machines." Rodney answers darkly, "Replicators."
Elizabeth sits up on the floor holding her temples in her hands, "My head is killing me."
John is confused that they are still in a holding cell, saying he remembers a lot of time passing, breaking free and returning to Atlantis.
"That is not what I remember." Teyla shakes her head.
Ronan frowns, "The only thing I remember is being in a dark room, fighting hand to hand for hours."
"Well, they obviously created different scenarios for each of us during the mind probe," Rodney surmises bitterly, "no doubt looking to gather information from our responses."
"I thought our escape seemed too easy." John admits.
"At least you escaped." When Rodney looks at him, his chest gets tight with pain, still feeling so worthless and humiliated.
John looks up at him sharply, as if he has noticed the edge in Rodney's voice, "What'd they do to you?"
"Um, torture," Rodney shudders looking away, thankful John can't see into his mind, "in ways too hideous… and um, intimate to recount."
Ronan sounds concerned, "Like what?"
"I said too hideous to recount." Rodney spits the words out with a hostile wince.
In the beginning, Alex hadn't been that way. He'd wooed Rodney and said he really loved him. But then he had turned little by little, until he expressed nothing but contempt for him.
Still Rodney had stayed until the end. His self-esteem so low, he didn't believe he deserved better. Not that it had been good to begin with, but it had taken a fatal hit after Alex. Rodney knows he doesn't really deserve to be loved. That's why he'd decided to stop dating completely… but 6 months later he met John, and was seduced into letting himself be used again. Maybe Alex was right, maybe he likes to be hurt.
His mind returns to the present situation. The rest of the team is debating whether they can even trust if what they are seeing is real, if they are still in some kind of altered reality.
Rodney's stomach knots in anger, wanting to lash out at someone. No, not someone –John; seizing on the opportunity, he predicates himself as he walks over to where John is sitting "There's got to be a way to know for sure."
His heart beats in helpless rage, replaying the events of the mind probe, the things John said and did to him, over and over in his head. Wanting to scream and punch, all he manages to do is aggressively push out his fingers and jut them sharply into the side of John's head.
At the sudden pain, John snaps his neck up to look at Rodney and give his leg an irritated slap in response.
Wanting to hit John again, Rodney forces himself to walk away instead, "Doesn't really prove anything." he mutters.
One of the Replicators reenters the cell, "It's real Dr. McKay. Your minds are no longer being probed."
"At least we know it was just our minds." John quips.
"Oh." Rodney's stomach clenches again thinking about what just happened to him, "Please don't make me sick."
The Replicator goes on to try to convince them that there is small faction of his kind that don't agree with Oberoth's plan to destroy Atlantis, the city of the Ancestors that once created these machines. Some of the machines want to achieve Ascension instead; but when the Ancients created them as an experiment to destroy the Wraith, they wrote violence and aggression into their basecode. For some reason this Replicator thinks Rodney has the ability to change that for them.
"Me?" Rodney scoffs to hide his roiling emotions.
"During our probe of your mind, we learned that you are capable of doing this." It explains.
"Oh, that's funny." Rodney's face winces again in anger, "All I remember is the torture."
But when the Replicator leaves, Elizabeth decides having Rodney attempt this offers them their best means of escape, and the possibility of saving Atlantis from destruction.
After being given access to their computers, Rodney distracts himself from his mental anguish by focusing on the code; it is elegant and amazingly intricate. When Rodney is doing math everything else seems to float away; the intrusion of painful past memories, the 'rape' that feels like it really just happened, all the things he has tried to keep buried for so long -the despair and self-hatred. As depressing and petty as it seems, he at least finds refuge in mentally congratulating himself on his superiority; that he alone has the mental genius to be able to decipher an alien code so complex.
When he returns to the room where the rebel Replicator is now keeping them, Rodney is able to present an almost cheerful façade as he brags about it to the others. Not only has he altered the base code for aggression, but with a little more work he thinks he could trigger a kind of update that could freeze the machines for a short time.
But John manages to get under Rodney's skin again by complaining that he can't give them an accurate enough window of time for how long the machines could be kept frozen. God, Rodney can barely stand to look at John right now. He finds his temper escalating, getting into a full blown argument with him until Elizabeth has to break it up by shouting over them.
After the tension has died down, Elizabeth tells Rodney they have to at least try this 'freeze code', since it is the only way they might be able to escape. As if that isn't enough, without any appreciation of the monumental task Rodney has already accomplished, all eyes turn to him as the team speculates on how they could also blow up this ship, which is on its way to destroy Atlantis.
"How do we do that?" Elizabeth asks Rodney directly.
"Oh." Rodney's temper flares again "That's me. Right. Surprise, surprise." Making a face of condescension he snipes, "Look, why don't I just go on these missions by myself, hmm?"
And then he is distracted from his emotions again as the solution comes to him; snapping his fingers, he speaks distractedly as he rushes back out of the room, "I'll rig a ZPM overload."
.
.
.
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Okay, I promise after this things start to change for the better.
Many following chapters define the heart and soul of John and Rodney's love story, very sweet and emotional.
The first couple chapters may not seem like it at first (it's a very angsty story, I know), but John and Rodney begin to bond on the deepest levels, basically having a relationship with each other even if they aren't admitting it openly; they build real intimacy that goes deeper than anything purely sexual -not that I'm saying there isn't some physical intimacy :)