Disclaimer: See chapter one.

Wow, so many amazing reviews! I read and value each and every one - especially those that make me laugh out loud, regardless of how much of a loon that makes me look to those around me! What do they know anyway? Lol. Welcome to new readers, thank you to those who have reviewed for the first time and as always, to those who regularly review/read, your continued investment in this story is greatly appreciated. I'm not going to say a whole lot about this chapter but will wait with interest to see what you think, if you feel so inclined to let me know :) Onwards...

Wednesday February 25th 2009

09.47

Manhattan SVU

"We have a situation. I just got a call requesting SVU's presence downtown where uniform are trying to talk a woman down off a roof," Captain Cragen announced to his squad.

"Why they want us there?" Fin queried with a frown, voicing the thoughts of the majority.

"The woman wanting to hurl herself off the building is Theresa Gabbidon." The Captain watched and waited as realisation sunk in.

"Terri?" Munch repeated redundantly.

"Where is she?" Olivia asked, the first words she had spoken since arriving at the precinct more than an hour ago.

"On top of her apartment building," the senior officer replied wanly. "The responding officers requested our presence when she told them to tell Shannon she was sorry, that she'd never meant to rape her. Apparently, she's said nothing else since and they're worried she's serious about jumping."

"But she didn't, did she?" Elliot questioned, his own face a mask of tense confusion.

"As far as we understand, not without coercion but Ms Gabbidon may have remembered more from that evening than we have previously been aware of." Captain Cragen looked around at his officers, assessing who would be most suited to speak to the clearly distraught woman.

"Let me go and talk to her, Cap'n," Liv requested quietly, realising that she was likely to be shot down in flames but convinced that she could talk her superior around. "I know I'm not cleared for active duty yet but I wouldn't be having to do anything strenuous and I promise, no heroics. If I try and she still goes to jump, I'll have to let her go but I really do think I stand the best chance of getting through to her."

"What makes you think that?" Elliot asked brusquely.

"Because I think I might understand what she's going through," Liv muttered.

"Why, 'cause you're a lesbian?" Elliot fired back a little belligerently.

"No," Liv sighed, resigned to the growing gulf between herself and her partner, "because I've also done something recently that I'm finding it hard to live with myself for." Her admission hung in the air for seemingly endless moments before anyone else spoke.

"It's worth a shot, Captain. Liv connected well with Terri when questioning her about what happened that night," Fin supplied supportively.

"I agree, so long as you don't get any ideas while you're up there, Liv. Some of us are not too proud to admit we need you in this unit," Munch agreed warmly.

The Captain looked warily around at his detectives, weighing up his options. "Ok, but no heroics and you're going out there unarmed so Fin, Munch I want you with her at all times and I mean all times. I don't expect you to crowd Terri but I do expect you to be within reach of Olivia in case she needs assistance. Elliot, a word in my office, please," Cragen ordered turning on his heel without waiting to see if his commands would be met. Liv's heart pounded with the adrenaline rush of getting a temporary release back into the field. She snatched up her jacket from where it hung on the back of her chair and led her two colleagues out of the door towards the elevator.

"Shut the door, Detective Stabler," Don barked fiercely, waiting for the officer to comply before rounding on him. "What is your problem? Are you deliberately trying to drive Olivia out of this unit with your chauvinistic macho bull?"

"Captain, with all due respect, I resent the inference that I am being out of line. Olivia is supposed to be my partner, I'm supposed to be able to trust her with my life. How can I do that if she's keeping secrets from me? How can I trust her to have my back if I don't know what's going on with her?"

"Would you listen to yourself? You sound like a child. I'm sure there are many things about one another's lives that Munch and Fin don't know, do you hear them making it an issue? No, because so long as each of you do your jobs, it shouldn't matter what is happening in your personal lives. All I've heard from you since you found out that the bombing victim was Detective Benson's girlfriend is bigotry because they are both women. So I'm giving you a final warning, it ends here and it ends now. One more hurtful word, one more snide remark, just one more indication that you cannot get past the fact that Olivia is attracted to women and you Elliot, you will be the one looking for a new post. Now get out of my office and make sure your DD5's are all completed by the end of the day." Cragen turned his attention to the paperwork on his own desk, making it explicitly clear that their conversation was over.

Wednesday February 25th 2009

10.35

West 20th Street

"Terri, it's Detective Benson, we spoke last week, do you remember?" Olivia called as she edged closer to the ledge on which Theresa Gabbidon was perched.

"Stay back. No one else needs to put themselves at risk because of me. I'm not worth it. I'm a disgusting, despicable rapist. I don't deserve to live." The white knuckled grip on the railing at her back belied Terri's determination to jump.

Turning to Munch, Liv instructed quietly, "get Shannon Arkwright down here if she'll agree to it, if she would be willing to help us convince Terri that what happened wasn't her fault, that Shannon doesn't hold her responsible." After receiving confirmation and watching the sergeant step a few yards away to make the telephone call, Olivia returned her attention solely to the distraught woman. "I just want a chance to talk to you, about what happened. I'm going to join you but I'm going to stay all the way over here. I'm not going to try and grab you, I won't stop you if you want to jump but I'd like to talk to you about why you think what happened is your fault. Is that ok? Can I talk to you?"

"What's to talk about? I raped a young woman I considered to be my friend," Terri cried in despair as Liv crept stealthily closer to her and the edge of the building, Fin trailing in her wake, keeping a reasonable distance away so as not to spook Theresa.

"You were the victim of a sexual assault. Neil Danvers used you, against your will, without consent to assault Shannon. That is not your fault, it does not make you responsible. You were restrained, you were drugged and you were overpowered by a man with one thing and one thing only in mind. He is the one who spiked Shannon's drink, long before you took her home to your apartment. He would have assaulted her whether or not you were there. You took her home with you because you were trying to protect her. You weren't to know when Danvers offered to help that he was responsible – as far as you knew, he was simply a colleague being a good guy." Seeing that she wasn't getting through to Terri, Liv tried a different approach. "Did you go out that night with the intention of having sex with Shannon?"

"No! Of course not! I wouldn't…she's not…there's no way she'd want that," Terri exclaimed with a horrified expression.

"When you decided to take her home, when you saw she was incapacitated and wouldn't resist, did you want to take advantage of her then?"

"No, but…" Liv interrupted before Terri could offer further supposedly corroborating evidence as to why she was responsible.

"Did you at any point intentionally force yourself, sexually or physically, on Shannon Arkwright?"

Terri's sobs reverberated around the rooftop, carried on the icy wind. "No," she acknowledged, shoulders slumping. "But how do I live with knowing what happened? How do I forgive myself for what my body did to her?"

"The same way I go on knowing that my actions killed the most important person in my life," Liv confessed quietly, drawing ever closer to her quarry. "I understand that you're hurting, that you're scared of what it means, that it changes how you see yourself but you are no more responsible for hurting Shannon than I am for killing Sam. We are both victims of the actions of others."

Terri twisted her head around to look at the detective for the first time, staring at her as though trying to assess the authenticity of her words. One glance at the brunette's pain-filled eyes and haunted expression convinced her that the detective was to be trusted. "How do you keep going? How do you handle the guilt?"

"I don't, not always. I've had days when it could have been me where you are right now. Days when I just wanted it all to end; the memories, the pain, the guilt. But I get through it, by talking; to friends, to counsellors, to my partner's family, to my colleagues. And by remembering that it wasn't my actions which caused her death, not directly. I had no choice, just like you had no choice when Neil Danvers used you to assault Shannon. Have you called anyone to arrange some counselling? Or spoken to Shannon?"

"No, I… I tried calling that number I was given but… I don't know how to start…how to tell a stranger what I did," Terri stuttered with a frown.

"You told me what happened, talking to a counsellor wouldn't be any worse than that. You've done it once, you're strong enough to do it again. What about Shannon, would you like the chance to talk to her?" Liv asked, glancing back towards Munch who signalled the younger woman was on her way up.

"And say what? How do I begin to apologise for what I did? How do I look at her and not hate myself for doing that to her? Why would she want to even speak to me? She must hate me," Terri cried, her distress increasing once again.

"I don't…" a new voice called from beside Sergeant Munch. "I hate what happened, I hate that either of us were hurt, I hate Neil for what he did…but I don't hate you. I know you were drugged too, I know he made you do things that you would never normally do. Please Terri, don't do this. I need you…I…I was hoping we could help each other get over this. You're the only one who understands what I'm going through because you were there, it happened to you too. Please?"

"Shannon…" Terri gasped, gaze flickering rapidly, frantically between Olivia and the younger woman.

"Terri, step back over this side of the railing for us, yeah?" Liv coaxed gently, hyper-aware of how close to the edge she was getting as she twisted around to look behind her.

"Please Terri, come away from there and we can talk." There was genuine fear in Shannon's eyes as she begged her friend to get back onto safer ground.

Wordlessly, Terri nodded and carefully, cautiously swung herself back over the metal railing and out of imminent danger. All those looking on heaved a sigh of relief as two feet landed firmly on solid ground. Shannon drove forward, pulling the older woman into a fierce hug, whispering words of reassurance and support. Liv watched the two friends leaning on one another, startled by a sudden clear vision of herself and Alex, of how devastated the younger woman would be should anything happen to her. She wanted to pound herself into the ground for her ignorance and lack of regard for the attorney's feelings, knowing as she peered over the edge that, no matter how bleak things became, she was determined not to take the easy route out. As she made a silent vow to herself and to Sam that she would fight on, no matter what, a break in the dense cloud appeared, shrouding the rooftop in a brief but brilliant shaft of winter sunlight. Olivia smiled to herself, taking it as a sign from her late lover that she approved of and supported the conviction to continue.

Wednesday February 25th 2009

12.37

Alexandra Cabot's office, 1 Hogan Place

Alex was disturbed from her trial preparation by a gentle knock on her door.

"Come in," she called, tone officious and suggesting that whoever it was interrupting her had better be there with something important or be prepared to lose a limb.

"Hi," Olivia breathed as she stepped around the door, closing it again behind her, making sure to keep her hands out of view.

"Detective, what can I do for you?" Alex queried, glancing imperiously over her black-rimmed glasses at the intruder.

Swallowing nervously, Liv took a deep fortifying breath. "Well firstly, you could accept these as a token of my apology," she offered hopefully, sweeping a bouquet of fresh mixed flowers from behind her back and presenting them to the startled attorney. Before the blonde could regroup and respond however, Liv continued, "and secondly, I was wondering if you might be interested in joining me for lunch? I took the liberty of picking up a couple of salads on my way over." Liv produced a bag of goodies in her other hand from behind herself, placing it gingerly on the very edge of Alex's desk.

Alex slid her glasses off her face, placing them on her jotter, taking a moment to formulate a response but once again, Olivia once again beat her to the punch.

"I'm an idiot. A selfish, self-centred, blind idiot. I talked to Huang this morning about what you told me earlier, about your fears regarding me going back to the apartment and how I found I couldn't tell you that I wouldn't do that. He made me realise you're right, you're all right, that I'm not ready to be back there, not full time. And then I had to talk Theresa Gabbidon down off a roof today." Alex's eyes widened both in acknowledgement of the news of their witness's suicide attempt and Liv's involvement in the field. "She didn't think she could live with what she did to Shannon, for her part in Shannon's assault. I persuaded the captain to let me talk to her…because I too have problems seeing a future for myself after what I did to Sami." Tears pricked the blonde attorney's eyes as she listened to her friend confess out loud the depth of her despair at losing her fiancée. Liv saw that she was about to interrupt once again so held up a hand and silently pleaded with her to hear her out. "We managed to get Shannon - Shannon Arkwright, the other woman assaulted that night – to talk to Terri, to help her see that Shannon doesn't hold her responsible for what happened, that she understands Terri had no more chance to consent to the assault than Shannon herself did. And I realised that no matter how much I'm hurting, I can't use that as an excuse to inflict further pain on others. I should have been more sensitive to your feelings, I'm sorry."

"What are you saying?" Alex questioned, voice trembling with unshed tears.

Liv blew out a sigh, running one hand through her ragged chestnut hair. "I'm saying…well asking really…if you'd still be willing to let me stay at your place for a while longer? Not because I plan on doing anything foolish – I'm a lot more certain now that I couldn't do it, couldn't put my friends, Sami's family through that, and I especially don't think I could do that to you, Alex – but because I'm not too proud to admit I was wrong. George had me think, really think, about what it would be like to go home to my apartment and it hurt, physically and emotionally, so much. If that's what thinking about it does…" Liv trailed off, not knowing how to clarify her thoughts further.

"Thank you…" Alex choked out. "And I'm sorry too; for shutting you out, not talking to you, not being honest with you…about everything."

Liv rounded the desk on swift feet, inviting Alex to join her on her feet. Somewhat sluggishly, the attorney complied, allowing herself to be swept up into a fierce hug, through which Olivia tried to convey her support, her contrition, her desperate desire to maintain their close, comfortable friendship. "At least this won't have to join the ranks of our legendary fights, there's been not nearly enough shouting!"

Alex's laugh was forced and half hearted, a fact which did not go unnoticed by the astute detective. "You're not the only one who's had an enlightening morning, Liv." Alex paused, burying her head deeper into the brunette's shoulder, seeking the comfort and security she always found in her arms. Olivia soothed a hand down her friend's spine, feeling the coiled tension there but opting to remain silent, letting Alex get whatever was on her mind out in her own time. "I had a visit this morning from Liz Donnelly, she told me a few home truths… about relationships…about me…and the type of relationships I should be going for as opposed to those expected of a Cabot. Liv, I…God this is harder than I thought it would be," Alex sighed, torn between pulling out of her friend's embrace or staying where she was and using it to shield herself from her fears. "Sleeping with Abbie, talking to Liz… kissing you…I can't deny who I am any more…"

Liv ducked her head down, partly to make sure she was hearing the mumbled words properly but also to try to make eye contact with the skittish lawyer. Her mind was racing with the possible implications of what she thought Alex was saying. "Alex? Honey, what is you can't deny any longer?"

"I… I'm… I think…no, no I don't just think, I know… I've always known, deep down… Liv, I don't want to share my life, share my bed, my body, my anything with a man. I do that partly because it's expected of me; to get married to a respectable man, settle down, have an heir to the Cabot estate and be a good wife. But I also do it… because I'm scared. Before I went into Witness Protection, before my life was pulled out from under me, I was ready to give my heart to someone and I suspected she might have felt the same. Being parted from her, having to leave her behind, having to force myself to forget any hope of discovering what we might have had, the pain of that damn near killed me those first months in the programme. When I came back, I promised myself I would never open myself up to that kind of pain again, never. If it meant that I had to settle for someone whose companionship I could tolerate and a few discrete but meaningless affairs to take care of whatever needs I had, I was prepared for that, in order to protect myself, my heart, from that kind of pain again. But I'm not sparing myself the pain, I'm just diluting it. It's there each and every day, keeping the wound open and oozing into the darkest corners of my soul to the point where I don't actually remember what it feels like for it not to be there."

"Oh 'Lex," Liv breathed, her own heart aching to hear of such a lonely, bleak existence. She settled her arms a little more snugly around the attorney's slender frame, holding her securely in an attempt to ease her troubled mind and assure her that she was safe even from demons of her own creation. "I can see how hard this is for you to talk about so I'm just going to ask you one thing and if you can, I want you to answer me honestly. Alex, are you lesbian?"

With a watery sigh and tremulous smile, Alex nodded. "Yes. I realised it in college but I've been too scared to, too pre-programmed to follow the path of least familial resistance, to do anything about it. I discovered today that that was intentional on my mother's part – she realised around the same time I did and apparently made it her mission to see that I'd never shame the family name in such fashion. In a way, Mother created Alexandra and made sure the real me, the Alex part of me, was too ashamed, too self-conscious to follow her heart." Alex dashed away a solitary tear which had escaped overflowing cerulean eyes.

"Then welcome home, Alex. It's nice to finally meet the real you and anyone who really cares about you, about your happiness, your health, about you, will be nothing but supportive of your decision to be true to yourself." Liv gathered the younger woman in closer once more, dropping a gentle kiss against her crown and allowing some of her own coiled tension to relax as she felt the release of Alex's own muscles. "Sweetheart, I am so proud of you for having the courage to not only accept this part of who you are but to tell me. That takes a lot of strength," Olivia murmured encouragingly, her tone soft and warm, washing over the trembling woman in her embrace and soothing her fears of rejection.

"You don't hate me?" Alex whispered shakily.

"Why would I hate you, Al? Wouldn't it make me just a little hypocritical if I hated you because you told me you prefer women to men?" Liv was careful to keep any recrimination, indignation or hint of reproach from her tone.

"I mean for being so weak for so long… for letting my family, society, anyone else dictate the direction of my life," Alex clarified timidly, beginning to extract herself from Olivia's arms.

"You're not weak," Liv protested, allowing the attorney a little room to manoeuvre but reluctant to entirely let her go. "Alex, look at me, please." The detective waited until Alex's head rose, gaze eventually drawing level with her own. "You are not weak. You are possibly the strongest person I know. No one else I know of could have gone through what you have been through and still be the warm, compassionate, caring, open, generous woman you are. Wanting to make your family happy, wanting to make them proud, wanting to be the very best you can at your career and advance to a position where you can make the biggest difference, those are not signs of weakness. They are noble intentions which come from that big heart you have hidden behind your walls and there is nothing wrong with any of them…as long as it makes you happy as a person too. When it doesn't, when what other people, people you respect and look up to, when their hopes go so far against your own, 'Lex deferring to their wishes for you isn't weakness. It takes far greater strength to sacrifice your own dreams, your own wants, your own happiness in favour of making those other people, who mean so much to you, happy than it does to be selfish and tread your own path regardless of how many hearts you break in the process. But there comes a point where just as you have to accept that you cannot live your life solely to benefit others, those other people in your life too need to accept that they cannot live their lives, their dreams through you. You have no idea of how proud I am of you for realising that now is the time you need to step out from their shadows and live the rest of your life for yourself, for all that you are, for all that you want and need." Tears were streaming over each of their cheeks as Olivia finished her speech, tears of joy and relief respectively. Liv gently retracted her arms from where they had remained resting against her blonde friend's hips, wiping first her own tears away and then tenderly brushing Alex's away too with the pads of her thumbs. "Now, how about we celebrate your liberation from the shackles of straight-hood with a bottle of water over these salads?"

Alex released a genuine peal of laughter, playfully pushing her friend further away to allow herself room to retrieve the requested drinks from her mini-fridge. "Wow Liv, you really know how to show a girl a good time!"

Olivia was grateful in that moment that she wasn't already drinking the water for fear she might have spat it across the office. "Umm, so I've been told," she rejoined with a rakish grin.

Alex realised what she had implied as she straightened up, blushing madly and groaning, "Oh God, Liv… I…" Mental images assaulted her; of Abbie's head between her thighs, long fingers entering her only to morph into Liv's head and hands.

"Relax Alex, it's ok, I'm teasing!" Liv assured, grabbing the bag containing their salads and carrying it to the low coffee table in front of the sofa in the corner of the office.

"I know… I just… I'm going to go and find something to put these flowers in until I can take them home. I'll be back in a minute," Alex called as she strode out of the door, leaving a bemused Olivia in her wake.

Alex hurried down the corridor cradling her bouquet in one arm, silently, mentally berating herself for reacting as she had to the brunette's jesting. As she entered the kitchenette area and scouted around for a vessel large enough to rest her flowers in, her phone buzzed against her hip signalling an incoming call. "Alex Cabot," she answered crisply, still somewhat distracted by her search for a suitable temporary vase.

"Alex? Hi, it's Bev…Beverley. I'm sorry, is this a bad time to call you?"

"Beverley! No, not at all! It's great to hear from you again. How are you? How are the kids?" Alex gushed, attention suddenly focussed purely on her caller, flowers placed beside her on the narrow worktop.

"We're good, we're all good thanks. That's actually what I was calling for… how would you like to meet our new addition? I was wondering if you'd be free to have lunch with us one day next week? I'm bringing Greg and Alison to New York, unfortunately Tony can't join us but I'm sure there'll be another time you can meet him," Bev enquired hopefully.

"I'll make sure I can take the time to meet you all for lunch and you're all more than welcome to come over to mine for a meal too. I won't inflict my cooking on you but we can get something delivered – pizza maybe if Greg's allowed that?" Alex suggested coyly, loving how easy they still found it to chat, despite the circumstances surrounding their estrangement. The first time she had picked up the phone and called Beverly there had been only a few moments of awkwardness before their conversation had begun to flow like old times. "Where are you staying? I can have a car pick you up from the airport."

"I was thinking we could just book into a motel somewhere, get a family room, I'd not really worked out the details yet. I didn't want to assume you'd be available or want to meet up with us," Beverley confessed.

"Before you make any arrangements, let me just check something. Can I call you back in a few minutes?" Alex asked urgently, excited at the prospect of meeting up with her friend again even as the thought of harking back to a life that was not her own scared her.

"Of course you can but please, Alex, don't go to any trouble on our behalf," Bev pled through the telephone line.

"It's no trouble, at all. Speak to you in a moment." Alex ended the call, hustling to fill an empty trash can with enough water to keep her flowers sated until she could arrange them properly in a vase at home. She carried the makeshift container complete with sweetly scented bouquet back down the corridor to her office.

"I was beginning to think you'd run out on me!" Liv quipped from her seat on the edge of the sofa as the attorney re-entered the room.

"Sorry, my phone rang while I was looking for something to put these in. Liv, I need to ask you something but in light of our recent conversation, I don't want you to take it the wrong way." Alex paused for just a moment, long enough to draw in a fortifying breath but too short for Olivia to interrupt. "Would you mind sharing a room with me for a few days next week? I mean, more often than not we've been ending up in the same bed anyway with one or the other of us having nightmares but I realise that's different than actually intentionally sharing a bed with someone else for an entire night…" Alex trailed off, realising that she was rambling and from the adorably confused expression Liv was sporting, it appeared she was doing a terrible job of explaining her request. "That phone call I mentioned, it was Bev, the friend I made in Witsec," Alex began again.

"With Greg, your Godson?" Liv clarified receiving a confirmatory nod from her friend. "Is she ok?"

"Yeah, yeah she's fine but she wants to come visit next week. And I was considering offering for her to stay at my place but only if you're ok with that? I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to push you out…or that I'm trying to use it as an excuse to get you into bed with me…" Alex stuttered.

"Alex, it's your place. You can invite whoever you want to stay there – I'm just a temporary occupant of that guest room, I have no right to deny you the chance to spend some quality time with them. If it makes it easier, I'll see if I can stay with Gina and Fausto next week," the detective offered sincerely, eyes warm and caring.

"No…no you don't have to do that…unless you don't want to…bunk in with me. I'd understand if…you don't want to do that…now that…"

"Stop that. Stop assuming that just because you've told me you like women I'm going to automatically presume you and I can't platonically share a bed any longer. You haven't changed to me just because I know that. I'd still hold you if you needed me to after a nightmare and I'd still want you to help me if I had one too and I actually think that it might be for the best if I am there, on hand, beside you while Bev's there, in case seeing her again triggers any further nightmares for you. It's bound to stir up some less pleasant memories as well as good ones, purely by the nature of how you met." Liv watched as Alex fought to believe her words.

"Are you sure? I can arrange for her to stay in a hotel instead…" Alex began again only for the brunette to beckon her over to the couch. The attorney complied, pausing as Olivia shuffled around, swinging her legs up onto the couch and pressing herself back against the upright cushions, making a narrow sliver of space for Alex to lie in.

"Lay down and let me show you that I have no problem holding you while you phone Beverley back and let her know she will be staying with you…with us at your place." Giving in to her fatigue, Alex sunk gratefully into the sofa, pulling her own legs up and carefully arranging herself in the gap available, mindful not to unintentionally jab any sensitive areas. She released an involuntary sigh of contentment as a strong arm wrapped around her midriff, pulling her in closer to the curvaceous body behind her, cradling her gently. "Call Bev, 'Lex, and then give yourself permission to rest for a while. I'll give the guys a call, ask them to cover for me for another hour or so."

Feeling her muscles already relinquishing the tension they had carried ever since word had reached her about the bombing, Alex simply let herself go. Fumbling with her phone, she dialled the number she had for Bev, quietly informing the other woman of the plans for the following week and spending a few moments assuring her that it was not a problem for the trio to stay at her apartment. As she ended the call, her eyes were already growing heavy with an increasing need to close. 'Just for a few minutes,' she promised herself as she lapsed into a light sleep, safe in Olivia's arms.

"Sweet dreams, honey," Liv murmured, pressing a kiss to the tousled blonde hair beneath her cheek, rattling off a quick text to Fin, explaining that Alex needed her to stay for a while and asking him to cover for her. That done, Liv allowed her own eyes to slip shut, her own fatigue overcoming her.