Jen hated to pause their reunion to go work. She hated to end their kiss to answer their phones. She hated to let him leave her arms to return to the job that had constantly threatened to keep them apart.
But this was the deal they were making. They could have their relationship subject to Homicide. She had decided that for herself—unequivocally, now—but she wished they could have a moment to talk about it before rushing off to a crime scene.
It was late in the evening before they could manage to get away. They returned to Nick's house, each driving their own cars.
"Now, where were we?" he asked, pulling her into his arms as soon as he closed the front door behind her.
Jen happy allowed him to kiss her for a minute before she pushed him off. "We need to talk about this, Nick," she insisted. She tried to make her voice as strong as possible to hide the fact that she desperately wanted to keep kissing him, to hide the fact that she would rather do almost anything else in the world than talk to him about this. But she had to. She couldn't avoid this any longer.
Nick didn't protest, though he was visibly disappointed to have to let go of her. "Yeah, you're probably right," he sighed. "Should we have a beer and have it out?"
"I'd like to think we could do with a beer and a cuddle on the sofa," she replied with a smile.
"Oh good." Nick smiled back at her and retrieved two bottles of beer from the fridge, cracking them open before joining her on the sofa.
They tapped the bottles together before each taking a swig. Nick watched Jennifer, waiting for her to begin. After all, she was the one who wanted to talk.
Jen searched his eyes for a moment, silently searching for reassurance. Nick's slight nod gave her what she was looking for. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it, shaking her head.
"What's wrong?" he asked, confused by her reaction.
"I was about to say that you know how I feel about you and then I realized that you probably don't know how I feel about you and that's the whole problem. 'I love you' just isn't quite enough."
He knew exactly what she meant. And she was entirely correct. "Then why don't you tell me?" he asked patiently.
Jen took another sip of beer and put the bottle on a coaster on the table before scooting close to him and placing her hands on his chest. "I have been a complete idiot about everything between us. I avoided talking about things that mattered because I kept hoping that the bad things would go away and the good things you'd just automatically understand. And in some ways, I think you do know. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't say it. And the same with the difficult parts. Ignoring it and pushing it aside doesn't make it go away. I got scared and pushed you away when I should have worked through it with you. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't listen or didn't believe you when you tried to stop me from ending it. I didn't want to end it. I don't want to end it. Because I love you so much, and I want to be with you forever, and if you'll have me, I'll never leave ever again. I'll never let the job or anything else come between us," she told him, the words tumbling from her lips in an increasingly desperate tone.
Nick gently pushed her hair behind her ear. "Never say never, Jen," he warned with a sad smile.
Jen felt her stomach tie in knots. This was exactly what she was afraid of. "No, Nick, I'm serious about this. I am never going to let you go. We can get married and have babies, like you said. Whatever you want."
He frowned. She was saying all the right things, all the things he'd wanted to hear from her. But the way she said it...she was begging for him, telling him what he wanted to hear just so he would accept her. And that wasn't how it was supposed to be. "We can figure all that out later," he said, quelling the panic in her face. He brought her hands up to his lips and kissed her fingertips. "I just want us to be together and live a life. I love you," he told her reverently.
Jen practically threw herself onto him, holding him tightly. "I love you. I never stopped loving you and I never will," she vowed.
And this time, Nick believed her when she said "never." He gently lifted her face to him with his index finger, dipping his head to kiss her. It started out soft, lips caressing each other, making up for all their lost time of the past few weeks apart. But those weeks caught up with them quickly. Nick abandoned Jen's lips to kiss and suck and lick and nip up and down her neck, her moans of appreciation spurring him on.
The next thing she knew, his hands were around her waist, pulling her blouse from her trousers and over her head, dropping it on the floor. Her bra was soon tossed aside to join the discarded blouse. Jen gasped as his mouth found her breast, his tongue and teeth teasing her.
"God, Nick, I love you," she groaned, arching against him. Somewhere in the swirling haze of her mind, Jen remembered that she had intended to make everything up to him. And while she knew he enjoyed having his mouth attached to her chest like this, it wasn't what she wanted tonight to be about. It took all her mental strength to get her body to cooperate, but she was able to push him off her.
Before Nick could fully figure out what was happening, Jen had lowered herself onto the floor between his legs. He sat on the sofa, knees spread wide apart as usual, watching her. She had a sly grin on her face as she unbuckled his trousers and pushed them down his hips. Nick shifted to allow her to pull the trousers and shorts down to his ankles and off him after she got his shoes. He smiled as his heart pounded in his chest to feel her deft hands skim up his legs, first the outside to his hip and then the inside of his thighs. His erection was hard and proud, but she hadn't given it any attention yet. She did, however, watch him twitch as her hands got close, and she licked her lips in anticipation.
Jen finally relieved some of the tension building within him, curling her fingers around his length commandingly and stroking him a few times. Nick moaned at the familiar, comforting, erotic feeling of her hand, the grip of her fingers and the texture of her palm against him. And just when he didn't think he could take anymore, Jen dipped her head down so the tip of her tongue could trace the head of his cock. Her hand never slowed while she was teasing him and then when she swiftly took him in her mouth. Nick instinctively thrust his hips and tangled his hand in her hair. She sucked on him hard, and it was almost too much. What sent him right over the edge, however, was feeling himself hit the back of her throat as she took him in as deep as she could. She never even hesitated as he jerked against her mouth, spilling inside her in short bursts until he slumped back, nearly passed out.
Feeling quite pleased with herself, Jen wiped her mouth with her own discarded blouse and stood up to sit on the sofa beside him. She hadn't even managed to get him out of his shirt before going down on him, so she decided to take her time undoing the buttons while he rested for a moment. They weren't finished, not by a long shot.
Nick blinked his eyes open after the best blowjob of his life to see Jen pushing his shirt off his chest and tracing his muscles with her fingers. She looked very smug. "That was a nice start," he murmured, his words slightly slurred from his intense satisfaction.
"Mmm," she agreed with a happy hum.
"Your turn, is it?"
She chuckled appreciatively. "You rest. I can wait. I'm enjoying the anticipation just fine," she replied.
"Come here," he growled, pushing her back on the sofa before could protest. Nick slid her trousers off her legs, not pausing until she was completely naked. She looked up at him, her eyes shining with adoration and dark desire. Nick smirked and spread her legs apart, settling between them. He took his time, patiently tracing her folds with his tongue, lightly kissing her center, teasing her to the point of madness. She was writhing beneath him, trying to grab onto his hair and buck her hips against his face, but his strong arms held her still. And he continued his slow, deliberate onslaught until she shattered, moaning and gasping as her climax washed over her. His pace never faltered, urging the sensations to continue.
"Nick," she gasped, completely overwhelmed by the electric pulsing throughout her body. And just when she thought she couldn't take any more, he began lapping up her juices in earnest, sucking hard where she was most sensitive, and he plunged two fingers inside her. She screamed in pleasure to feel him curl his fingers and reach just where she needed him. His pace was now fast and rough, and her next orgasm was powerful and almost immediate.
By this time, Nick had recovered sufficiently. He was rock-hard and throbbing for her. He gave her one final kiss before resettling between her thighs. She was breathing heavily and coming down from her high when he lifted one leg, resting her calf against his shoulder, and hitched her other leg over his hip. This angle gave him the best leverage to thrust into her as deep as he could and watch every single expression on her face.
"Please, Nick, I need you," she begged breathlessly. Jen couldn't feel her hands or her toes and her mouth was dry from gasping for air, but the ache in her wouldn't subside until he was fully sheathed inside her. He did as she wanted, pushing himself completely into her right away. They both moaned at the sensation.
He set a furious pace, pounding into her with everything he had. It wouldn't take either of them long to come like this. It was a lot of friction and movement and all the passion they possessed together. Jen canted her hips to meet him and moved against him to get the pressure she needed. He was more than happy to oblige, though he wasn't going to last long now. When he came inside her, the abrupt change in rhythm pushed her over the edge and she clenched around him.
They fell back onto the sofa, clutching each other as they gasped for air. "Oh Christ, I've missed you," Nick breathed, burying his face in her hair. "Once we can move again, let's get to bed, eh?" he suggested.
But Jen stiffened in his arms. "I…I can't."
"I'll carry you if you can't walk," he teased.
She swallowed hard, still trying to catch her breath. Though now her heart was pounding for a very different reason. "No, it's not that. Nick, I know we said we weren't going to talk about it..."
"Talk about what?"
About what happened…when we were apart…" she began tentatively, pulling away from him slowly.
"Juliette? You were the one who didn't want to talk about it," he interrupted.
"Well now I want to talk about it."
Nick raised his brow in surprise, not knowing why she'd want to talk about this now, of all times. "Alright."
"I mean, I don't want to talk about it, but we've got to," she insisted. Jen had pulled her knees up to her chest, hiding herself from him. She stared at her own feet, unable to look at him.
Nick remained where he was, not wanting to be distracted by her naked body so close to him, not wanting to make any sudden movements to spook her. "Why do we have to?" he asked quietly.
She finally met his gaze. "Because it's killing me that you found someone else, and if she were still alive, you wouldn't have given me a second glance."
It shocked him, to see her eyes full of so much pain. "I don't know how you could possibly believe that," he said in disbelief. How could she think he wanted anyone but her, especially after what they'd just finished doing?
Jen frowned. "Oh come on, Nick, you did sleep with the woman. And she was extremely pretty. And young. And brunette."
He nodded. "That's true. She was all those things. And she wanted me, which, after losing you, felt pretty good, I gotta say. So I slept with her a few times."
Jen tried to keep a neutral expression on her face but failed miserably. Her mouth quirked into a grimace. "I know it's all my fault, Nick. It always is." She pushed away from him, unable to be close to him when she felt like she would shatter into a million pieces over the pain she had caused them both. Maybe he would have been better off with Juliette.
Nick grabbed her arm. "Don't you dare. I'm not letting you do this again, Jennifer. Never again." He took her face in his hands to force her to look into his eyes, to know he was serious. "I love you, Jen. I would erase every other woman I've ever been with, if I could. Especially Juliette. She was a nice girl and she didn't deserve what happened to her. I caused that. Because of my past and because I was weak enough to fall into bed with her when I couldn't have you. That was my mistake. None of it was your fault. I should have waited for you like I promised."
Jen shook her head in his hands. "You never promised me that. I told you not to wait for me."
"I know. But I promised myself. Because you and only you are the person I want to be with. Jennifer Mapplethorpe, you are the love of my life."
"But you took another woman to our bed," she said sadly. Jen knew it was unfair for her to be upset about it, but it didn't change her feelings about the situation.
Nick reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear. "I'm so sorry, Jen. Honest. What can I do to make it up to you? We took so much time finding our way back, and we can't start out again like this. Let me fix it, please. Just tell me how."
Jen didn't want to be upset, not anymore, not now. She wanted them to fix it. "We need to make it our bed again."
"Alright." Nick waited for her to elaborate.
"Take me to bed, Nick. And let's make it ours."
He stood and scooped her into his arms to carry her upstairs to their room. Neither of them bothered with the mess of clothes left by the sofa. A problem for the morning. Nick needed to take her to bed and remind her all that they could be together and to have that knowledge replace any thought either of them ever had about Juliette in their bed. And Nick knew exactly how he wanted to do it.
He gently put Jen down to settle under under the covers. He got into bed with her, shivering slightly at the coolness of the sheets. Very quickly, however, he pulled her into his arms to heat them both with their proximity.
They kissed and caressed one another, tangling arms and legs in their tight embrace. Their ministrations were unhurried, full of passion and patience. Unlike on the sofa, they were gentle with each other. This was about memorizing everything about the other, to burn their touches into their souls.
When Nick's hardness was pressed against her thigh and he could feel how wet she was for him again, Nick rolled them over so he hovered above her. This certainly wasn't the most adventurous position, but it was exactly what Nick wanted then. He loved to cover her body with his, feel the entire length of her beneath him, watch her face while they made love. Jen crossed her ankles behind his back, urging him forward. He entered her slowly, softly. They continued on that way, dragging out every sensation. As Jen got closer, she dug her nails into the taught muscles of his arms and shoulders and back. The sharp pain gave him a jolt down to his groin, but he remained steady. She tumbled over to completion, and it took everything in him not to hurry after her. He needed to take his time.
Jen recovered from her aftershocks and gently pushed him off her. It was her turn to set the pace. She positioned Nick in a seated position, leaning back against the pillows and headboard. She straddled him, lowering herself onto him just as slowly as he had entered her before. When she was seated on his lap, the rocked back and forth together, the smallest movements having the most intimate and sensual impact on them both. Jen ground down onto him, her highly sensitive flesh reacting to the slightest friction. She was so close, and her final release was transcendent and delicious. "Come for me, Nick," she whispered. And when he let go, thrusting up into her, he murmured that he loved her.
They stilled. Jen held him tight, burying her face in his neck as they struggled to regain their breath. Nick could feel Jen tremble in his arms, but when he felt a wetness on his shoulder that wasn't their sweat, he was concerned. "Jen?"
She lifted her head. She was crying.
"Oh, Jennifer, what's wrong, are you alright?" he asked with frantic concern, stroking her hair and trying to wipe away her tears.
"You really do love me, don't you?"
He couldn't help but laugh. "Of course I do. More than anything."
"No one's ever loved me like that. I never thought anyone ever would or ever could. And it terrifies me, Nick, that you're so wonderful and absolutely incredible, and one day you'll figure out that I'm not worth it," she finally confessed.
Nick held her tight in his arms. He'd gone soft inside her but neither of them had any intention of moving. "I don't know why you'd ever think that. You are the most magnificent woman on the planet."
She gave a disbelieving sort of chuckle. "You're the first person that thinks so."
"That can't be true."
Jen pulled away from his embrace slightly and explained, as she should have a very long time ago, "My father ran off when I was six. He'd leave and come back all the time when I was a kid, sometimes after a week or a month. But after my sixth birthday, he left and I never saw or heard from him ever again. It was just me and Mum, and she was always trying to get me to be better than her, to not ruin my life over a man, to matter. And that's why I'm a cop, Nick. Because no matter who is in my life or how people treat me outside the job, I matter when I'm there and when I'm working."
"You matter always," he said in a quiet voice, somewhat shocked by this revelation from her upbringing.
But Jennifer either didn't hear him or chose to ignore him. She continued on, "I've never deserved you, Nick. That's why I got so closed off after we lost the baby. I was far too happy with you, and it was only a matter of time before I ruined it. And I did. I couldn't keep our child alive, and I practically ran you out of our home rather than face it. And then when we got back together, I just kept waiting for that other shoe to drop. Because it always has." She wiped the tears from her face, since they'd stopped falling now. "You weren't on the squad with us when we ran into Brian, thank god."
"Brian?"
"Matt, Duncan, Simon, and I had a case with a murder victim in the prison. I ran into Brian Van Der Burgh, the man I'd been seeing when I was in uniform who treated me so well, was so sweet and sexy and fun. Till I found out he was married, when I dropped him as quick as I could and cried for a week over being used like that. And then a few months later, Brian was arrested for murdering his wife. He tried to blackmail me when he was in prison, threatened to tell everyone that we were having an affair when he killed her and I knew all about it."
"Christ, what a prick."
"I've not had the best track record. That one just seemed par for the course."
Nick frowned. "They can't have all been murderers."
"He was particularly criminal, but most men I've been with have turned out to be liars and cheaters and complete pricks. Thank god for the squad, though. They were there to help. And Wolfie took care of it." She paused, thinking. "You know why I love Homicide so much?"
"Because it's the best job in the world?"
"Yes, but more than the fact that I love the work so much, that squad was the first time I ever really felt like anyone had my back as much as I had theirs. Dunny and Matt and Wolfie and Waverly and even Jarvis…I never had a family before them. And you. You're the most important of all."
"We all love you, Jen, for everything you are. None more than me, though," he assured her.
Jen hugged him again, fiercely. "I just love you so much, and I can't bear the thought of ever being without you. I hate that it took you nearly resigning and then getting kidnapped for me to really understand. And I want to believe that you're going to stay."
"I will," he vowed. "Jen, I've wanted to be with you from the moment I met you, and that's never, ever changed. Even when I did leave because we were both drowning in grief, I would have much rather been together to deal with it. I thought it'd be easier for you if I left, but I was wrong, and it was the worst mistake of my life. Please believe that I want nothing more than to be with you forever."
She was standing out on the precipice, she knew. It was time to take the leap of faith. "I only want you to be happy and loved. And no one is ever going to love you as much as I do. And if you want to be with me, who am I to say no?" She began to kiss him, her hands holding his neck to anchor him to her. "This is it, Nick. This is our life. You and me. Together," she murmured against his lips.
Nick felt a flood of relief come over him. Everything about her finally made sense. He understood her now that she'd shared the darker doubts of her heart. And it only served to help him love her better. And he would. He'd love her as she needed and as she deserved. Nick put all that love into his kiss.
Jen could feel him getting hard again, and she wiggled a bit in his lap. He groaned into her mouth at the sensation. Nick rolled them over, using the last of his strength to try and make her happy. For the sixth time tonight.