It happened almost a year later and what a horrible year it was. My entire life had changed.

Adam had arrived that terrible night and we quietly buried our poor baby boy in the yard beside the house. He never said a word to me that whole night or the next day on our journey home. God had punished me for not listening to my husband and thus Adam saw it as I had killed our only child. So he took this opportunity to teach me a lesson.

The first change he made was discharging Ceecee. I hadn't seen her since my brothers wedding but once at home he informed me that she was no longer in my service due to her horrible lack of judgment and failure to take care of the royal family. He gave me no indication of where she was or how I was supposed to contact her. He had taken my best friend away and I was never going to see her again.

The next thing he changed was he hired a small gaggle of giggling bright-eyed girls into my service. I had six new ladies-in-waiting standing around my parlor. Regan cringed just as I had at the sight of them. But they were eager to listen and after giving them a life-threatening lecture they turned out to be rather helpful. The only time they bothered me was when they laughed or talked. So for the most part they were silent.

Two months after that horrible day I broke. It was hard enough getting out of bed and took great strength to sit in the throne room and listen to the people complain about their horrible lives. So as I headed to the throne room to listen to more agonizing petitions I decided that I could not do it any longer and lined up to petition to the king. This way he could not say no. I quietly discussed my feelings with Regan and she gave me an idea and placed a black veil over my face. People could still see my features but it emphasized my mourning, as I had not taken off my black dress since I had gotten back to the castle.

I told the king that I could not stay here anymore, that I needed time away. I started crying when I retold the images of our son and how his skin was blue and cold. And I told him how I had thrown every piece of baby clothing into the fire pit and then burnt myself trying to get them back out. It wasn't until I saw some of his arms men and the women in the room crying that I knew I had one. He sighed and then nodded, sending me away to the Vacation house until I was ready to return. He commanded that all my ladies accompany me but allowed me to bring Alexander along with me. And when I saw he was the driver of my carriage I smiled and felt myself begin to relax.

Over the next 6 months alcohol and dancing became my best friends. Letters of concern from my family and friends sat un-open on my writing desk and their pleas were mute to my ears. I tuned out the news of England and the king and focused on parties and riding. I stayed at the vacation house for Christmas and only received a merry Christmas from Adam.

On the night of my 21st birthday I decided to through myself a party. But the only guests in invited were the people that I knew and they were all the staff at the castle. It was a chaotic party for food ran scarce very early and guests had to fetch their own wine. But everyone danced and laughed and drank till they could not feel their noses.

I sat at the table conversing with Alexander about the latest serving boy he was courting. We watched the serving boy dance around the room with my youngest lady-in-waiting, Sarah. She was a doe eyed girl with blonde curly hair whole loved Alexander. She thought that this man and Alexander were best friends so to make Alex jealous she had been dancing with this boy the whole night. Alex was jealous but not the way she wanted him to be.

"Look at that idiot girl. Stephen is to majestic for her." He said gulping down his wine.

"I'm assuming he hasn't given into your…charms yet." I said with a giggle and watched him sigh with frustration.

"Apparently I had a reputation for being quite the little whore." He said with a smile.

"You do!" I laughed in agreement. "Is he the only man in this room to stand without your touch?"

"Are you jealous dearest friend?" He said leaning towards me and batting his eyelashes. "Would you like me to touch you?"

"I think my life shall go on if you don't." I smirked and someone cleared they're throat.

"Your Majesty." Tad smiled up at me with his bright blue eyes and I could not resist the smile back.

"From one whore to another, he's one who has not been touched by me, for there is another touch he longs for." Alexander whispered and got up from the table. I smiled at Tad and invited him to sit where Alexander had sat.

"You're looking radiant tonight Your Majesty." He said and touched the gold sparkling fabric of my dress.

"Thank you. It is my birthday you know." I said with a drunken smile.

"So I have heard and thus my approach. May I have this dance?" I watched him over the top of my glass and then nodded.

"You may." I said handing him my gloved hand.

We twirled around the room laughing and drinking and talking of nothing important. We danced for three songs and when the last song ended he bowed and kissed my hand. Then he touched my cheek and whispered, "The bank in ten minutes." He smiled at me and I nodded. I felt my heart race and a smile broke over my face. He bowed again and disappeared from the room as one of the cooks asked me to dance. After the song ended I told Regan I had an urge for the lavatory and assured her that I was quite safe going on my own.

I checked that no one was around before I dashed into the cold April air and across the wet grass. I stumbled many times in my drunken state as I headed to the lake.

"You came." He said smiling at me. The moonlight made his blonde hair look white and his eyes twinkled with amusement. The waves were loud and there was a cold breeze but it felt wonderful on my hot skin and seemed to make me more aware of my surroundings. He had laid a red thick blanket on the ground and there were two glasses of wine beside it.

"I always do." I said wasting no time as my mouth met his and I pulled at his clothes. Tad had always been my friend, since my first visit to the Vacation House. But a short while ago, after hearing of the birth of my husband's bastard our relationship had become a more physical one. I had sought out the comfort of alcohol but found Tad instead. Since then we met secretly and told no one. We weren't in love we just enjoyed each other's company.

He smiled down at me as he pressed me to the blanket. "I'm very glad you came."

"I can see that." I said smiling at him. "But you always say that."

"I do?"

"Always. Right before…this." I exhaled as he entered me and felt everything but him melt away.

"Sorry to interrupt Susanna." Alexander's voice appeared from the forest just as we were about to finish. I gasped and Tad jumped off me cursing. I sat up and smiled at my friend, which he returned the smile. "The King is here." He said and my smile faltered for a second.

"Ugh. Tell him I'm preoccupied." I said looking at Tad as he struggled to get his clothes back on. Alexander laughed.

"He's already been waiting ten minutes and he is eager to see you." He said nodding and then disappearing into the trees. I sighed and looked at Tad.

"You can't be serious." He said as he laced up he trousers. I kneeled and tugged on the laces.

"We have a couple more minutes."

"Susanna. He's here to see you." He looked up at the castle. "If he caught us I'd be killed."

"He wont catch us."

"Please." He said picking up my dress. I sighed and snatched it away. "You always ruin my fun." At this he laughed and kissed my neck as he laced the dress.

"To be fair Alexander seem ruined our fun." He said.

"He's known about our secret meetings for a while."

"That's what you're thinking about?" He said with raised eyebrows. "How long your best friend has known for?"
"No I'm thinking that I can't seem to keep secrets very good." I said with a laugh and then wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. He struggled to push me away but he did and sighed.

"Susanna."

"Don't worry. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." I said kissing his lips lightly.

"What if a baby is produced?"

"A baby?" I said puzzled and then I smiled. "A baby has never been produced before."

"Because my seed has always been spilt onto your belly." He held my face in his hands, "except for tonight." I shook my head and laughed.

"Oh Tad darling. We hadn't reached that point yet. No baby was made. Now I must do my royal duties and greet my husband."

I walked back up to the house, cup of wine in hand and drank the whole thing before entering the castle. The room went an eerie quiet and I looked around as everyone stared at me. I looked at my reflection in a looking glass and other than rosy cheeks my appearance was the same when the party started.

"Why has the music stopped?" I called out and no one answered. "Get the music playing. It's my birthday and I say the music must play." As the music started again I smiled. "I need a drink." I said to Alexander who stood closest to me.

"I don't blame you." He said and then handed me a new goblet full of wine. "He's over there."

I spotted him sitting in my seat wearing a dark blue tunic with white tights and his sword hung at his waist. His blond hair was longer and curlier than usual and a small beard hid his face.

"You are sitting in my seat, You Majesty." I said curtsying and spilling my drink.

"I am?" He said, watching me with amusement as I wiped the wine off the floor.

"You are. I am the ruler of this castle and that is my seat. You are a guest. You may sit to my right." I said and surprised me by moving to the next seat. I looked around the room and everyone was watching us.

"Your seat my Queen." He said offering the seat.

"You risk humiliation?" I asked narrowing my eyes at him.

"I feel like I have humiliated you enough." He said looking down at his gloved hands. My stomach turned and I felt as if I could throw up. I stumbled up to the seat and sat in it.

"You must be speaking of your bastard." I hissed. "I hear congratulations are in order for it is a boy, is it not?"

"Susanna-"

"At least you finally got your son." I said gulping back the wine.

"Susanna please. Can we talk privately?"

"I don't know what we would have to say to one another."

"At least lets try to find something to say." He begged. I saw his tired eyes and his horrible beard and a piece of my cold heart melted. I sighed and got up without another word. I headed towards my parlor and it took a moment but eventually he followed me.

I closed the door behind him and placed my drink of the table. I opened the doors to my bedroom and started unlacing my dress.

"Susanna."

"I just need to change my dress, I've spilt so much wine and I seem to have fallen in the mud." I said and struggled with my laces. I felt his hands on my back and let him untie my dress. He held me close and whispered, "I miss you," into my ear and before I knew it my clothes were off and we were in my bed. Maybe Alexander was right. Maybe I was turning out to be quite the whore.

The king left the next morning without a word and my life went back to its normal routine, Regan offering to read my letters, I denying her and asking for a cup of ale instead. It continued this way for another four weeks until one morning I awoke with a huge pain in my head and an unsettled stomach. I could not stomach the sight of food and pushed away anything in a brown cup. I asked for nothing and wanted to see no one, but Regan had the girls waiting on me hand and foot, wiping my brow with a cold cloth and offering me water. Around lunchtime my sickness disappeared and I had the sudden urge to go swimming. Regan forbid it until I played the only card I had, the Queen card.

The water was freezing for the middle of May and no one would swim with me except for Lucan. He swam circles around me as I treaded water and laughed at everyone standing on the bank watching me. I knew it was too cold when Lucan gave up and went back to dry land. We cuddled beside the fire in a big blanket and I thought of my son. He would be sitting up now, maybe even walking. For the first time I didn't feel like a murderer, I felt sad but also peace. For the first time I didn't need barrels of alcohol to help me sleep.

The next morning and the morning after and the morning after that the sickness took over me. One day it lasted the whole day and I never left my bed. Alexander went over the list of foods I had eaten and the ladies checked if anyone else was sick. But Regan knew. She made me take a bath and while I was washing she examined me.

"Susanna." She whispered quietly. I shooed the ladies away and Regan held my hand. "It's time to go back home."

"Regan I'm just starting to feel better. I need more time before I'm pushed into the world of rules and restrictions again."

"Susanna, you're with child again."

"With child but…my birthday!" I said thinking of the king and she nodded.

"The longer you stay out here the more suspicious it will seem when you return home pregnant." She studied my face and I noticed more grey in her hair. "People will start to talk if you stay here." The look on her face made it clear that Alexander was not the only person that knew about Tad. I had promised him no harm and I was going to keep my promise.

So the next day we packed up our things and headed back home. Adam was surprised when I walked through the doors of his meeting room. He was studying a map and talking with Paul. He froze for a second and then beamed at me, wrapping me tightly in his arms and kissing me deeply.

"Adam I'm-"

"I can't believe you came back to me. I have so much I want to tell you but I have no idea how."

"Adam I need-"

"I know darling. You need time. I'm just so happy you are back. I was worried that you had stopped loving me."

"I'll always love you." I said tears filling my eyes. "But I came back because I'm pregnant." The smile froze on his face and he studied me before he dropped his hands.

"I see." He said turning away. He walked to the window and sighed. "Who's the father?" I choked.

"Excuse me?"

"Who is he?" He snapped.

"Have you lost your mind?" I asked through tears.

"Of course you wont tell me because you know I'll have him killed."

"You'll have to kill yourself you old fool!" I said and he turned to me raging. "As unhappy as we are, you are the father of this poor child." And I stormed out of the room and went straight to my old parlor.

Adam came to me that night as I pushed my dinner plate away for the fourth night in a row.

"I'm sorry." He said after I dismissed everyone. I sat in my chair and stared at the roaring fire. He knelt on the floor beside me and held my hand. "I'm sorry I assumed the worse."

"You should be. You and I are two completely different people. I take our marriage seriously." I lied and his face fell.

"I promise I wont do that to you again. I'm going to be a better husband and take care of you. But you can't run away from me."

"I wish I didn't want to." I said pulling my hand away. He sat stunned for a minute and then sighed.

"This baby is a new start for us." He said with a smile and I nodded. "This is our chance to be happy."

"I believe it can be, but I wont be certain until I hear him cry and hold him in my arms." I said as tears filled my eyes.

"He will cry Susanna. I know it." He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly as I cried into his shirt.

"No one must know."

"What?" He asked looking down at me.

"We can not tell anyone." He smiled and shook his head.

"A baby is not something to easily hide."

"But we will try and deny it until he comes." He sighed and wiped my face. "We were too excited and too preoccupied that we missed all the horrible things that can happen when pregnant. We need to be more careful."

"Are you telling me you're going to lock yourself in this room for the next eight months?"

"No I'm telling you that if you take a mistress I will not hold it against you." I said not meeting his eye. It was like he stopped breathing.

"You're telling me that-"

"We shall not share a bed until after this baby is born." He stood up appalled.

"You never worried about this before."

"And look at where that got us. A still born son and a broken marriage." He stormed to the window.

"Why are you doing this to me?" His voice cracked.

"I just want to be careful." I said and when I watched his shoulders shudder I realized he was crying. I stood up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "I love you. I've always loved you. But I want to have a child. I want to look into a baby's face and see you looking back. I want to show the world the love that we have. It's only eight months."

"Eight months is a long time."

"More than eight months had passed since we had shared a bed before this baby."

"And I took a mistress ended up with a son I cannot see and a broken heart." I stopped and felt a knife stab my heart as he talked about his other child.

"This baby will fix all of that. We just have to get him to this world." He turned and looked down at me. I wiped the tears from his face and smiled.

"You are very scared aren't you?" He asked.

"Terrified." I whispered and he sighed.

"Alright." He nodded. "Alright. I shall not announce it until he is born and I shall not enter this room until you want me to."

"Thank you." He smiled sadly and kissed me lightly.

"A baby." He sighed and I smiled.

"A baby you wont be ashamed to love." He nodded again and then left me standing at the window to cry.

The months passed in an agonizingly slow pace. It was easy to hide my pregnancy from my ladies after Regan told them I had a disease from too much wine. But when my clothes got to be too tight they started to whisper as I walked by and when I took Lea for walks the stable boys whispered between them. And when I started craving chocolate or wanting to eat in the middle of the night the chefs whispered between them. It wasn't long before the whole kingdom was gossiping about my baby.

One this particular day I had dressed in a purple gown with gold trimmings and was eating lunch with Adam. He was talking about the latest ball we were planning in two nights. He had shaved his beard and didn't look as tired as he had. I liked to think it was because we were spending more time together doing everything but having sex. And trust me it wasn't easy turning him away. But I had to be careful.

On this day there was knock at the door and Paul entered the room. He bowed to us and then gave me a smug smile. He started talking to Adam about plans to invade France again and I decided to excuse myself, for talk of war often made me nauseous. As I struggled to stand he grabbed my arm and helped me up.

"Thank you. Too much wine I fear." I smiled and he nodded.

"Or maybe it's the fact that your baby should come any day now." He said and I turned to Adam.

"I told you it wouldn't be easy to hide." He smiled. "No matter how big your dresses are." He laughed as did Paul and I blushed.

"Why haven't you announced it yet?" He asked harshly.

"Her Majesty is scared that it will- what did you call it? Jinx our baby?" I nodded and blushed again as Paul raised his eyebrows at me.

"Oh is that the reason?" He narrowed his eyes and I felt my face go crimson.

"I'm just being safe." I said then bowed, to the best of my ability, and left the room.

As I was walking through the garden I had the urge to take a walk through the market. It had just started up in honour of the New Year and I wanted to see the changes to that had been made. I convinced Lady Regan and the girls to dress warmly and we walked through the snow and mud to the market.

It was rather quiet, partly because of the weather and partly because food seemed to be scarce. I saw children, in summer clothing wandering the streets looking for food. They were dirty and scared and cold and I remembered one winter, when I was younger where my family had run out of food. It only happened once but I'll never forget the feeling of being so hungry I could barely move.

The sellers called out to us and people bowed as we passed but no one cheered and no one looked happy to see us.

"We must do something." I said to Regan, who was always on my right and Lucan was on my left.

"What do you have in mind?"

"We could give alms?" Laura, one of my brighter ladies, suggested.

"An excellent idea." Regan agreed and I nodded.

"But it will only be enough for today and we're not reaching half the people in this town." I said making note of a child clutching his baby sister tightly against the wind. "When we go back we must think of something more beneficiary to the people." Lucan barked and headed down an alley. I called for him but he did not answer so naturally I followed him.

"Your Majesty you can't." Regan grabbed my arm.

"I'll take those two guards with me. Finish handing out my coins to the children and I'll meet you back here."

"Susanna." She hissed and I pulled my arm away.

"That's an order." I said narrowing my eyes at her and nodding at two guards.

I followed Lucan down the dark alley and felt the baby kick frantically within.

"Shh, it will be alright." I said to it as I rubbed my hand on my stomach. This seemed to always work and he normally would quiet down, but he kicked harder and more frantic. I was just about to turn back when I heard a woman cry out and Lucan whimpered. I saw him lay down beside a stack of barrels and rushed over.

It was the red headed girl from the pub. The same one who I had seen on the lap of my husband the night I lost my baby. The same one who had given him his first son. Here she was clutching a slightly swollen belly and groaning in pain. I froze when I saw her and heard the guard encourage me to leave her. But how could I leave this girl alone when my husband was most likely the reason she was in this state. Her belly was too small to be birthing a healthy baby, which means it was a miscarriage.

"We need to help her." I said and looked around. The ground was dirty and bloody where she sat and she wasn't any better. "She needs to go back to the castle."

"We're not taking her back there."

"Yes we are. We're not going to let her die on the streets."

"But Your Majesty don't you know who she is?"

"I don't care who she is or if she's slept with my husband. She's in pain, possibly dying and we're going to take care of her. Now pick her up and take her to the castle. Take her to the guest wing and put her in the last room of the hallway. Call the doctor and I'll meet you there in ten minutes. GO!" I snapped and they two men picked up the girl and carried her away. I looked at Lucan and nodded.

"You know what to do." I said and dashed away to round up my ladies. I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. The cramping in my stomach was familiar and I knew what it meant, but like last time I ignored it and pushed on. He was just going to have to wait a couple more minutes.

"How is she?" I asked taking off my gloves as I entered the warm room. The girl, still dirty and bleeding lay on the bed and a servant girl stood back beside the guards who just stared at her. "What are you standing around for? Get me hot water and towels. And you get Lady Regan. And the midwife."

"The midwife? But my lady-"

"GO!" I snapped and sat on the bed by the woman's feet. I lifted her dress and assessed the situation.

"You need to push-" I couldn't remember her name. It had been years since I had talked to her at the Black Bucket and I couldn't remember her name.

"I'm so sorry." She said taking in who I was.

"Just push. Your baby is gone and you are going to die if you don't get him out."

"I cant…" She gasped and then without another word started pushing. Within two minutes a little baby girl slipped out into my hands. She was pink and quiet with beautiful eyelashes, but she was small and too early. I wrapped her in the towels the maid gave me as the door opened and Regan and the midwife rushed in.

"What is this?" Regan snapped.

"She needed my help." I said my eyes never leaving the baby. The midwife took over my spot and got to work on the woman.

"You helped her? She's the woman who-"

"Who slept with my husband I know." I said studying the baby. When my baby was born he was blue. This baby was still pink. I pressed my mouth to the baby's and sucked hard. All the sudden she started crying, a quiet gentle cry, but a cry nonetheless.

"She's alive?" I heard Regan gasp and I felt tears in my eyes.

"She's alive!" I said. And then handed the baby to Regan as I passed out from the pain in my own womb.

Delivering my baby was like a dream. I remember seeing Regan and the old midwife staring down at me. I remember hearing Regan gasp and then start ordering people around. I remember hearing the maid crying and Regan ordering her from the room. Then it went black again.

The next image was Regan holding my leg back and telling me to push. The searing hot pain that shot through my body as I pushed the baby out and the feeling of exhaustion taking over my body. I could feel the panic in the room as I pushed the baby out. And as he slipped out of my body I heard Regan whisper to the midwife and then there was a small cry and everything went black.

When I was fully awake I was lying in my own bed and everything was quiet. The first signs of morning were peering through the window and I felt someone on the bed next to me. I took a deep breath and felt the tenderness as I tried to sit up.

"Your Majesty?" Regan said as she rolled over and looked at me.

"My baby?"

"A beautiful healthy baby boy!" She said with a grin and there were tears in her eyes.

"A boy?" I said tears in my own eyes. "Finally." I sighed and lay back and Regan wrapped her arms around me.

"Would you like to see him?"

"Yes!" I said and she nodded to someone else in the room who stepped forward with a small bundle in their arms. It was Alexander and he was smiling at me brightly. He placed my child in my arms and I sat with my two best friends marveling at the little person I had created.

"He's beautiful." I said as I wiped my tears away.

"He is. You did wonderful work." Regan said touching his face.

"Does Adam know?"

"He knows and he has held him. We wanted you to hold him first but you wouldn't wake." Regan said.

"He's already changed your party plans. It's now going to be a celebratory ball for the little prince." I smiled and shook my head. "And he's got his nursery underway and his wet nurse is here. She's already held him."

"His wet nurse?" I looked horrified as I glanced at Regan for confirmation. She gave me a sad smile and brushed back my hair.

"Queens do not nurse their children."

"I can't… It's not her is it?" I asked furious.

"No Susanna. She died after you delivered her baby." Regan explained. "She wouldn't stop bleeding." I nodded and sighed.

"Where is her baby?"

"We didn't tell the king. The girl said he did not know of this child."

"Where is her baby?" I asked again.

"She's going to be taken care of." Alexander said.

"Where is her baby!" I snapped.

"She's going to an orphanage in Scotland. It's one of the best."

"No." I said shaking my head.

"Susanna you can't be serious." Regan scolded.

"I am serious."

"What?" Alex asked confused.

"I want to see her."

"Susanna she's…"

"I know she's still here. I want to see her. In the meantime fetch the King and tell him I think it's a marvelous idea that we have the ball in Albert's honour."

"Albert?" Regan studied my baby. "Is that what you are calling him?"

"Prince Albert Henry. It has a strong ring to it."

"Very powerful." She said and then kissed my head. "I am very proud of you." She said and then left to tell the king.

An hour later the wet nurse came to feed Albert and Alexander arrived with the baby. He placed the small child in my arms and I studied her face. She had long eyelashes and beautiful long fingers. But the hair on her head was too short and her cry was weak.

"What shall we call you?" I asked the baby and she sighed at the sound of my voice. Alexander sat on the bed next to me and smiled.

"It's wonderful that you want to take care of her, but it would be an embarrassment to you."

"She is my husbands daughter."

"But not your daughter. Maybe it's the fact that you just had your own baby but this child is not yours."

"She has lost her mother."

"And what you are going to be her mother?" He asked and I did not respond. "Susanna."

"I'm not allowed to feed my own child. But there is no rule that says I cant care for someone else's."

"This is crazy." He rubbed his face. "This is crazier than swimming naked or secret meetings."

"My whole life is secrets now. What's one more." I said studying her face. "She needs me." I said opening my shirt as the baby started to cry. Defeated Alexander sighed.

"I'll claim her as mine." He said.

"You can't do that." I said with a smile. "I don't want you to ruin your reputation."

"A baby might be fun. And a baby with you? Well that's like my dream come true!" I laughed and he smiled at me. "What shall we call her?"

"Addison." I said and her eyes opened.

"Hmm. That's fitting. Child of Adam."

"And she seems to like it." I said and we smiled at each other as she drifted back to sleep.