On some nights, he dreams that he's killed her.
In his dreams she shines so brightly that she's like the sun itself; he can't look at her without going blind. He stands before her, all mouths and greed, and the only thing he can do is to reach out and consume her; how else to banish a shadow than to swallow a star?
She doesn't scream. There's no sound but a sigh, a last breath escaping; nothing left of her except the ghost of her last expression, a regretful melancholy tinged with the red stain of betrayal.
Azusa wonders if it hurts.
Nowadays when he awakens he cannot even register the panic anymore. Everything is gray defeat, the long night but one more journey through the unrelenting cold, like winter in Hinomoto after Tsukasa passed away. It is a struggle to raise his head against the gravity of suffering.
He might cast his eyes upon the bed in the corner but more often than not it's unoccupied. It is a little better when Randy is around; the clamor sometimes shakes him awake and gives him something to focus on, but the pink-haired wizard is hard to pin down, like a champagne bubble. It is exhausting to try.
Instead Azusa lies upon the too-soft mattress in this strange foreign land and stares into the night. Out of the corner of his eye he thinks he sees them: demons, blooming, bursting, beautifully in the dark.
How many times has he killed her? How many times was it real?
He waits for the sun to rise; only then can he know for sure.
When morning comes he waits faithfully at the gate. Students swarm around him like fish; she is the only one with a face.
At the sight of her, the knot within his chest eases a little, just enough for him to draw breath. She approaches; he forgets to breathe again. He holds out his hand, and she takes it slowly, and is it too much to imagine that her hesitation lessens each day?
Things are different now; there is a chasm of distance between them that he put there, that they have yet to cross. Her face is straining with hope, but her body betrays her, darting around him like a frightened rabbit when faced with its devourer.
She is right to be afraid.
But he's foolish, and desperate enough to try, and try again, and hope that maybe, one day, it'll be enough to bring her back to him, forever.