A/N: I struggled with the ending on this chapter, too. I think you'll enjoy the first part and the second part was...necessary. We'll just leave it at that. I have already started on the next chapter which I think will end with a pretty epic cliffhanger...maybe. I haven't exactly mapped it out yet. I appreciate all the kind words and all the support you all have given me. You guys are amazing. Enjoy :)
Both Sides are Even
Nathan had never felt more relieved in his life. Telling off Dan, removing his power over him, and ultimately removing him from his life as a whole had felt liberating. He knew that it wasn't going to be that easy, that Dan would still make his presence known. For the first time though, Nathan didn't feel like a little boy cowering in fear. He felt strong and brave and he wanted nothing more than to share that with the person who brought it out most.
Haley.
The way that had left things that morning was ambiguous at best. But finally cutting off Dan, he finally felt himself opening up. He no longer was afraid of what part of Dan was inside of him because even if there was anything left, as long as he had Haley, he could overcome it. Basketball for him had always walked a fine line between love and hate. He had spent the afternoon fighting for it. There was no fine line with Haley. He wanted to fight for her, too.
He knocked on Haley's door several times before twisting the knob and walking inside. He had never once been in her home. It felt warm and well lived in, much like Quentin's but a with a lot more wear. The stairs were directly in front of the door and Nathan assumed that's where she would be. It was odd to him, how quiet the house was considering how many children lived there and the way Haley described them. He had never really asked about them after the first day in his apartment, but Haley would mention them from time to time offhandedly during conversation.
He hesitantly made his way upstairs pausing at the first door he came to. He assumed it was Haley's by the books on the shelf and the pictures hanging on her walls. His eyes grazed over her life's still moments and he envied not having her for more time during those moments. She never looked anything but happy; hanging on Lucas's back or squished between Rachel and Brooke. There were pictures of her family on Christmas morning and during birthdays parties. He never realized until then, not truly anyway, how much he missed her when he didn't even know she existed.
He heard a noise from across the hallway and made his way there. The door was cracked slightly and steam was coming out from behind it. He paused before pushing the door open wider. Haley was wrapped in a towel sitting on the edge of the bathtub, her hair a tangled and wet mess around her face. When she heard the door creak she looked up quickly, swiping at her eyes. Nathan sunk to his knees in front of her and pulled her hand into his.
"Hi." she whispered meekly. Peyton's words had left her reeling as if she had been hit. Up until a few months ago, and hell even a few days, she had been so sure of everything she was doing. There was no room for doubt or worry. Everything was set; she just had to simply follow through. Now, she just couldn't be sure.
"The shower this morning wasn't enough for you?"
She cracked a small smile. "Jordan threw up in my hair. He was being fussy and ate too many Skittles or something. It look like three washes to get the coloring out of my hair." she explained picking at her wet hair. After a moment she gulped and looked at him "What are you doing here?"
"I needed to see you." he stated simply. "I stood up to Dan today, at practice. He can't touch me now."
"Was it like, the most kick ass moment of your life?" she mused, tightening her grip on his hand. He shrugged his shoulder nonchalantly. "I'm proud of you, you know? That took a lot out of you, I'm sure."
"It was tough." he admitted. He sat back against the wall, never breaking contact with her. "But yeah. It felt really good. You should have seen his face. It was like I had just beat the shit out of him."
"Well you did."
"Whitey's going to let me play tonight."Nathan switched the subject trying to keep the matters between them more light. What Nathan had told Haley of his relationship with Dan had only scratched the surface and while it was still a pretty big break, Nathan didn't want to that to be the focus of their conversation. He wanted to focus on them.
"Really? That's so great Nathan. It's going to be the most incredible night of your life." she murmured, smiling at him. He knew she was happy for him deep down, but the smile never reached her eyes. Something was very off about her and he couldn't help but feel like it had everything to do with him.
"Last night was pretty incredible." he responded which just seemed to make her more sad. She pulled her hand away from his and pushed the hair from her face. It was then he noticed the sheen of tears in her eyes. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life." he reiterated capturing her hands once more. "That should have been our first time together. I should've waited to be better for you."
A strangled sob escaped her throat. "Last night was goodbye."
He knew that. He had felt it in every touch and whisper between them. But it didn't take away from how he felt about it. It seemed that they were slowly reversing their roles in the relationship. Just as he was finally realizing how much he wanted her in his life, she was realizing how much life was out there without him. He had never thought he would feel such a hole as the one Cooper had left. Now that Haley had filled it, she would be leaving a much bigger one if she left.
He wiped away her tears, cradling her cheek in his palm. "How about it's aloha? That way it was a hello, too."
"A beginning?" she winced, her tears still falling down her cheek. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"Tonight, when I win this game, it's you who I want jumping into my arms. It's you I want to celebrate this with. Can you do that for me?" he asked and she nodded silently. She fell into his arms then, her still wet body soaking into his clothes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
She pulled back from him, searching his eyes. "What are you sorry for?."
"This." he ran his thumb down her cheek and across her lips. She couldn't tell if the salt she tasted was from her tears or his sweat. "It took me so long to get here. I've missed you for so long. I've been so selfish with you. I want to be someone who's arms you want to jump into when something good happens to you. Standing up to Dan, I realized how much I let the fear of him being in me consume me. Instead, I should have been embracing all the good that you instilled in me. I was afraid, a coward. I don't want to be that way with you anymore. Haley, I want to be with you. And that scares the hell out of me, still. But there it is."
She snuggled her torso into his chest and didn't respond right away. She knew how much this confession meant to him and how much it took out of him. It was the most he had opened himself up to her, in regards to their relationship and it left her reeling for the second time that day. She was left with a very real decision to make. If she allowed Nathan to tether himself to another person, would he ever live a life that was his own? Could she even live with herself if she didn't have him and could she be the selfish one to keep in with her?
"Say something." he breathed into her ear softly. His fingers were running through the curls falling down her back. He continued talking to her in a soothing voice. "Do you remember New Years Eve? In that disgusting bathroom, you we're saying goodbye then too. Well I'm not going anywhere and I'm opening the door now for you Haley. Don't tell me it's too late."
In all of his confessions and proclamations, he had never once told her that he loved her. She knew that he did, to the best of his ability to love anyone, but he had never said the words out loud. But then again, neither had she. She tugged his shirt and him closer to her, his scent consuming her, a scent so distinctly reminiscent of safety and home.
"It's," her voice came out scratchy and she cleared it before continuing. She took his hand and placed it on her throat and he could feel her racing pulse through his fingers. She then slid it down to her chest, her heart thudding against his hand. Feeling her through his palm was so much better than a ball connecting to it. "You live here; in these chambers and ventricles. You always have. I've just been waiting for you to call it home."
He kissed her passionately then, wrapping his his arms around her small frame. He had always felt like he was drowning, his whole life. Getting lost in her felt much the same, except she was also breathing life back into him in tandem. When he looked back on his life years from now, he could know that this was the day he could pinpoint was the start of his life.
She smiled against his lips, freeing herself from the sadness and worry that had over taken her the last few days. For the moment, she was in love for the first time and if she could look back at this day, sitting in a towel on her bathroom floor in his arms and remember even an ounce of what this felt like, she could probably live with that. Her whole life she had just been waiting for the moment her life was truly going to be begin. She had thought it was going to Stanford and leaving Tree Hill. She felt though, that it was starting now.
"So does this mean I have to give you my brand new Letterman jacket?" he teased once they finally broke apart. She giggled, dropping her head onto his chest. He glanced at his watch and grumbled. "Shit. I have to go. I still have to go home and get all my gear." he palmed her face in his hands. "It's going to be a pretty great night."
"Yeah?" she kinked up an eyebrow. He winked at her and smirked. "Why's that?"
"I meant what I said earlier. I'm going to win this thing. Not just for me but for Quentin and Lucas and for everyone else. But mostly I get to look at you the whole night cheering me on and everything after that is just well, cake. We have nothing but good things to look forward too now."
"Go." She kissed him, gingerly slipping of of his lap, helping him up and shooing him out of the bathroom. She smiled, for the first time reaching her eyes and waved as he walked down the stairs. "I'll be seeing you."
x-X-x
Nathan easily skipped up the stairs to his apartment, looking at his watch once more. He had about an hour before he had to be back at the gym, warming up for practice. He was exhausted; the past two weeks had been the most draining both emotionally and physically that he had had to deal with since Cooper died. He stopped suddenly a few steps away from his landing and looked at his watch again.
23|03|13
Had he really not realized the date?
He had to sit down then, his gaze never wavering from the the watch secured around his wrist. The red numbers seemed that much brighter the more he stared. It wasn't that he even just forgot about it today either; for weeks now he hadn't been thinking about it at all. Thoughts of him yes, just not his death as a whole. Had he really been dead for a year already?
He couldn't stop the guilt from wracking his body that he had so carelessly forgotten the day his brother had died. He had just been at his grave the previous weekend and still nothing had registered to him. He had been so immersed in Haley and basketball that his brother had simply slipped his mind. He let out a breath when he realized that this didn't have to be a bad thing.
It stunned him. He had forgotten because he had been living his life. The biggest thing he could do to mourn and celebrate Cooper's life was to continue living his own. There had been so many missteps that had lead him here; some where Cooper himself had taken the wheel often leading him off course. Then there were the things that steered him straight, the things that had taken his heart, like Haley and basketball. Ultimately though, it was him fumbling with the pedals and he didn't want to hit the brakes anymore.
He imagined Cooper there now, telling him how proud he was of him for finally going after the things that made him happy. He would be telling him how hot Haley was and nagging him about how he would steal her away from him. He would tell him how much he enjoyed watching Nathan wipe the smug look off Dan's face once and for all. The breeze around him picked up and he closed his eyes against the wind, relishing the memory of what his brother was and what he could have been.
Now, it was up to Nathan to be who he was supposed to be.
A Raven.
Even a man.
He hopped up, jogging the last few stairs and went into his apartment. He smiled, distinctly being able to smell Haley's perfume in the air. Until the day came that he could come home to her, he would have to settle for her aroma and that was okay for him at the moment because it still felt like coming home regardless. He dropped his keys on the counter and nearly stumbled back from shock at he heard a voice from his living room.
"Ready for your big game?"
"How did you get in here?"
She held up a set of keys dangling from her finger. "I still have the keys you gave me. You know, for all our late night booty calls."
"Peyton, didn't I make it clear the other day? This is over." Nathan sighed, leaning against the center island of his kitchen. He didn't owe anything to Peyton; they had been nothing to each other but punishment for unspoken crimes against their souls. But he was feeling so amazing with everything that had happened today that it was hard to not just feel sorry for her. "Can we not do this? I have a game to get ready for."
She slapped her thighs on her too tight jeans and stood up. "That's why I'm here!" she motioned dramatically and stumbled over the coffee table in front of her her. Her hand bypassed the wood on the edge and slammed through the glass on the center. Nathan looked on horrified as a deep gash formed in her hand and began bleeding profusely. He went to her, pulling her up and rushing her into the kitchen, turning on the faucet. She cursed in pain as he picked glass out of the wound. "Ouch damnit."
Nathan shook his head in disbelief. "You're high aren't you?"
"High?" she spat, jerking her hand and her body away from him. Peyton remained unfazed as the blood and water dripped from her hand and arm down to the kitchen floor. Her laugh was almost manic. "Someone who has sunk as low as I have, can't possibly ever be high. We we're supposed to be kindred, you and I."
"How was that supposed to work?"
"You're so broken." she slurred and Nathan couldn't help but grimace. "You should recognize this. Do I look put together to you?"
"Someone who was never whole to begin with can't ever really be broken can they?" Nathan proposed his eyes still on the blood pooling on the floor. He took a step towards her but she took two steps back. "But you were. Right Peyton? You were whole. What broke you?"
"People," she threw her head back and ran her good hand through her curls. She lost her balance in the motion and latched onto the counter for support. "I just keep telling people that Peyton never existed and they just don't seem to get it."
Nathan jerked the kitchen towel from the stove handle stomped to her and wrapped her arm in it. "What did you take?" he asked as her eyes fluttered. He wasn't sure at this point if she was woozy from her loss of blood or from whatever she had taken. Scooping her up in his arms, he placed her down on the couch and secured the towel around her wound. His sneakers crunched on the glass as he walked to her bag resting on the floor by the door. He dug around finding a small bag of powder and then his fingers felt a prescription bottle and he pulled it out.
Deborah Ann Scott
He dropped the pill bottle as if it had burned him and looked at Peyton, her good arm hanging off of the couch and the other resting on her stomach. She was beginning to stir, even though she had only been out a few moments. He watched as she sat up and swung her legs over to the floor. He swallowed hard, struggling if he wanted to help her or let her fall on her own. He imagined a lot of people had thought the same of her from time to time.
"Where did you get these?" he seethed snatching the pill bottle from the floor and tossing them at her. She fumbled catching them and hateful smirk crossed her face when she looked at it more closely. "Peyton! Did Dan give you those?"
"He listened to me." she mumbled examining the bottle. She looked at Nathan than, her face stoney and hard. "No one does that anymore. Just listen."
"What in the serious fuck." Nathan got up and walked to Peyton, pulling her up from the couch. "He's bad, Peyton. Don't you understand that?"
Not once had he ever had to pick his mother off the floor. Cooper had kept his word to that end. Once he left she had stayed in and out of rehabs and support groups and she would even sometimes spend long stretches of time in Virginia with Cooper. Those seemed like the times he bore most of the brunt of Dan's wrath. Dan delighted way too much in his mother's weaknesses so that he was always damn near giddy when she was carted off to rehab. Now it seemed like Dan was forcing all that Nathan had avoided with his mother through Peyton.
She looked passed him, almost as if she didn't even know she was there at all. Finally she acknowledged his presence. "Why won't anyone save me?"
"Do you even want to be?" Nathan questioned slowly sinking her back onto the couch as he took a seat on his broken table in front of it. He searched her face for a reaction or a response and when there was none, he sighed. "I think I should call an ambulance."
"No!" she protested, latching onto the top of his arms. "You can't do that. They'll take me away. I can't go through that again." It finally looked like she was registering what was going on around her. "Don't you remember what this is like? Just the liberation of falling so deep down the rabbit hole?"
He swallowed hard, and bobbed his head just slightly. He remembered it very well indeed. "Peyton, I don't need that rabbit hole. I have a wonderland here."
She shook her head as if she didn't want to hear the words. "Everything is a lie. Nothing is ever real anymore." a few rogue tears slipped down her cheek and she sank into the back of the couch, her grip on Nathan relinquished. "You'll find that out soon enough."
"I'm going to get a bandage for you hand." Nathan stood up and walked to the bathroom, rummaging through the medicine cabinet until he found some gauze and tape. It seemed so strange to him how broken she seemed and it scared him how much he saw of himself in her. But those moments were getting fewer and far between the more he sunk himself into the good in his life. When he made his way back into the living room he wasn't terribly surprised that Peyton was gone.
Deeper down the rabbit hole.