38. Rey

When Rey projected her offer at him to share his cloak, for a moment Kylo didn't think he could move. She was holding the cloak off the ground, blinking at him, looking peeved. And then he sensed she was also lonely and wanted… wanted to be close to him.

How strange, that she should want that. He felt her consciousness growing soft and unguarded as she started to fall asleep, but he could still tell she wanted his presence. So he looked around, as if he expected someone to stop him, and got up, walked over to her, and shuffled down under the cloak just as her arm dropped to the floor. He lay stiffly on his side, arm under his head, avoiding the way his chest felt warm and tight. Until suddenly Rey hummed and curled up smaller, her head coming to rest against his collarbone and her bony knees digging slightly into his stomach.

Kylo forgot how to breathe. His own heartbeat suddenly rushed loud and fast in his ears,

It shouldn't have mattered so much, and yet he was frozen. She looked, and felt, tiny – it made him want to put his arms around her and pull her closer and make sure nothing could touch her. Her head only just poked out from under his cloak, and he could see her face had finally eased into a peaceful expression. Although dirt and tears still stained her cheeks, she looked almost happy. That was how it was supposed to be, he found himself thinking. His scavenger deserved to be happy.

Then he felt a soft nudge of Rey's thoughts where he did not want her looking – pushing feelings to the surface that he'd hoped to deny. He didn't have a name for them, somehow, or else refused to give them one. He shifted so he was a little more comfortable, adjusting the cloak over his shoulders. Rey was truly asleep now, her mind fading into dreams. He stayed clear of them. Her dreams were none of his business – and he was busy with his own thoughts.

He was supposed to hate Rey. She was a scavenger who'd resisted him and made him look incompetent and allied herself with everything he'd long tried to escape, the last of the Jedi Order he hated so much. By all rights he should want her dead.

But she was Rey. She was the girl who'd stared him down and called him a monster when she was restrained in a cell. She was the girl who'd turned his own powers back on him, who had stood glowering at him and holding his old saber with a predatory glint in her eyes, one that intrigued him even as he was sure she was going to kill him. She had changed her mind about him rather than stubbornly persisting in her hatred, she had reached out to him across whole systems because she was lonely, she had defiantly railed at Snoke and refused to show him fear. She fed children out of her own limited resources and refused to give up, even when someone else would have long ago. Kylo often thought he didn't understand why she was the way she was, but he wondered if it even mattered very much.

She wasn't just a Jedi or a Rebel or a scavenger. She was Rey, and the most important person he had left.

He curled up and bent his head so his chin rested against the top of her head, trying to be more comfortable, to relax. She made him feel safer, which was strange – he would have thought he wouldn't be able to sleep.

But she felt warm, like springtime, and her face was scrunched in a half-frown and her breath wheezed in little snores and that was familiar to him now. She wasn't a presence in the dark this time. She was a girl sleeping close to him.

He found that he knew she wouldn't try to hurt him. So he closed his eyes and let himself relax, determined to sleep. This time would be different. This time he was okay.

…

He woke up to a hand on his shoulder. Oh Force, not again, not this time. He sat up so fast he nearly bashed his head into Rey's nose and scrambled back, reaching instinctively for his saber.

"Ben, hey, it's just me. Sorry, I wasn't sure how to wake you." Rey looked apologetic, leaning far back on her heels, hand steadying her on the floor. She didn't have a saber, or her staff, or even a knife. She looked apologetic, guilty. Kylo swallowed and rubbed his face, trying to settle into a more comfortable position and calm down. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and fingertips.

"Sorry." Rey sounded so ashamed. That helped Kylo focus a little, and he shook his head, moving to stand.

"I'm fine. Are we going?"

"I think the ships are gone, but I'm not sure."

Kylo closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the Force, of the planet. Rey was right, any nearby fighters had retreated for now, although there was still a dark heaviness over the world. Like he'd suspected, this wasn't over. But there was a brief time of respite. He tightened his focus to look for the boy they'd noticed earlier; he discovered the child had moved even closer to them. He caught glimpses of a dark field, sensed the village was in the distance, sensed the river and the glowing eyes of vulps.

"We should go," he said. "Now's the best time and I have an idea where the boy is."

The river had been something of a private haunt of his, once he'd gotten used to Batuu and before Rey came. The locals had (appropriately) named the river Karabast because of its sharp turning curves, occasional areas of rapids, and icy water. He knew his way to it in the day – at night, with no landmarks, he suspected he'd only be able to find his way there through the Force.

Did Rey know how to do that? She was the scavenger of the two of them, but she was used to using her eyes. He supposed they'd have to help each other. That thought didn't bother him.

"We'll want to find things we can use to hold water," Rey said wearily. Something about her manner struck him as odd – she seemed hesitant to meet his eyes. "Why don't we each drink plenty of water, if we're getting more?"

Kylo nodded. He bent, picked up his pack, and fished out his canteen, unstopping it. He found himself afraid to drink – what if something went wrong and they couldn't get water and this was all he had? But he made himself swallow several sips anyway.

Rey did the same, then swung her pack over her back and reached down to retrieve his cloak, holding it out to him. "Here." He took it, then slung it across his shoulders and fastened it. It would be cold outside, but the cloak would help. Besides, if they found the boy, he might need the warmth.

"We're going to have to use the Force to see. It's too dark to go looking for anything normally," he said, and almost felt like a teacher.

Rey nodded, hesitantly, and twisted her face in confusion. "But how?"

Kylo suddenly remembered, vividly, Luke chuckling at him and saying, "You have to listen. Reach out, but don't look for anything. Just feel it. Be focused." It hadn't made sense until Kylo had actually begun trying.

He just couldn't bring himself to give the same advice, so he fumbled out an attempt at restating the same concept. "Do you ever… just look at things? Not like you're looking for a detail or watching something in particular, but just watching the whole landscape? It's like that. You reach out, and you… watch what's around you. Listen."

Rey nodded, and without delay closed her eyes, automatically holding out her hand, fingers splayed. Kylo swallowed a small laugh. She looked so earnest and determined. He could just sense the patterns in the Force that said she was trying what he'd suggested. She wasn't doing half-bad, but he'd probably have to be their eyes outside.

"Do you think you see the room?" he asked, hoping for results.

"I do," Rey said, sounding awed. "It isn't what I expected."

Seeing things in the Force was different than real sight because few things got in its way. You could see a door and what was behind it at the same time, look around corners and under surfaces without much effort. "Good. That's how we're going to do all our seeing tonight."

Hesitantly, voice careful, he said, "Maybe at first you can hold onto my arm or my cloak. In case you lose focus." If she suddenly stopped being able to "see," she had to be able to stay close to him. It made sense.

Rey nodded firmly. "Let's go find him."

They had to go back through that tunnel, back through the dark, and Kylo had to suppress a shiver as they walked back to the exit and Rey crouched to crawl into it. He hoped it would be worth it. He hoped they'd get enough water and be able to save the boy and make it back here before anyone noticed they were outside.

He understood more now why Rey's reaction to her pain was to do something – there was a nice distraction in it, in planning and thinking practically. Not as distracting as he wished, not enough to forget, but enough to cope.

The tunnel, however, didn't distract him, but instead focused his energy inward. At first, it wasn't so bad – the closeness of the space – but the darkness had a weight and a tightness, and it became all he could think about. He kept himself somewhat centered on Rey's Force signature, which helped, but the ocean was cold at a corner of his mind and the eyes and screams came at him from another side.

They burn, Kylo Ren, the Dark whispered, with a voice deep and ancient. He tried to ignore it. Now was not the time. With or without you, we will burn it all.

Leave me alone, he thought, gritting his teeth and swallowing against sudden fear.

There was an impression, like the Dark was laughing, and it pressed hard against his thoughts and the shields he was trying to erect against it. You don't want that, Kylo Ren, Jedi Killer, it hummed. We have always kept you safe, remember.

He was no longer sure if that was true. He'd chosen to reject this, to run from it, and at the time he'd thought – he still thought – that it was the right thing, the less painful thing.

But Batuu had still been razed and worse was coming and he wasn't sure that the hopeful comfort of the Light was anything close to a substitute for the raw power of the Dark, and what if he needed the strength of the Dark? What if he had made a mistake and everything would continue to hurt?

She is not your savior, Kylo Ren, the Dark purred. Come back, come burn with us.

He could not, he remembered, knew it, it was just… everything was dark, and he felt alone because although he could sense Rey in front of him he couldn't see and the only sound was his own breathing.

Ben. Her mental voice broke into his thoughts, and he felt her pushing at the Dark, trying to help him, he supposed. Ben, we're almost out. It's okay.

He shielded his fear because although it helped, having her there, he wasn't sure how he felt about her seeing what the Dark was saying to him, seeing everything he was afraid of. I know. Thanks.

He felt she was still concerned, and then suddenly out of the dark in front of him came her voice. "You know, I like drawing."

"What?" He didn't know where that came from, but he felt grounded, suddenly, more aware of himself.

"I like drawing," she repeated. "I'm not good at it, though, really."

It would probably have been the polite, diplomatic thing to say that he was sure she was great at drawing, but he didn't. "Well, if you like doing it, I guess, that's nice."

She laughed a little, and he forced a smile even though she couldn't see. The Dark was still whispering at the edges of his thoughts and he didn't think Rey noticed, but he understood she was trying to help him stay focused and he appreciated it.

"I should show you when we get out of this," she said, and Kylo had a momentary surge of bitterness because there was no guarantee they would get out of this – but the new, tiny flicker of hope in his chest said maybe.

"You should," he agreed, shuddered at the feel of the dirt under his fingers, getting caught in his hair, and it felt like being buried, like drowning, and he swallowed and pressed on against the dark, trying to find something to say to Rey so he could continue to distract himself. It was so hard to think, though, and he gave up before long and focused on breathing evenly through his nose so the dirt didn't get into his mouth and his lungs.

When he finally felt air stirring his clothes and hair, he let out a shaky breath he hadn't been aware he was holding, found himself moving faster, reaching out with the Force to feel the end of the tunnel and the ground outside, to feel freedom, if no light yet.

Almost there, Rey thought, and he sent back an agreement.

Remember what I told you, and reach out with the Force, he reminded her. He knew it would most likely take effort for her to focus on listening when she wasn't yet used to it. Since he was already attuned to the Force, he felt the moment Rey stepped out of the tunnel into the dark Batuu night and was quick to follow, grabbing her arm so she wasn't just anchorless.

"It's so dark," Rey whispered, and Kylo cleared his throat a little.

"I know. Can you feel your surroundings?"

"Yeah, sort of," she answered.

"We can do this," he said, although it came out kind of flat. He felt a tentative agreement from Rey, and reached out for the Force-signature of the boy again, for the direction they needed to go to find him. He sensed the child asleep, staying still, which was good.

"I feel him too," Rey said, and she started walking without further comment, into the tall grass in the night.

Kylo stayed close to her side, holding her arm, afraid to let go because some irrational part of him was convinced if he ceased being able to feel her, he would lose her.

A/N: I wouldn't call this a great chapter? I'm really happy about the beginning of it but my muse ran off to write Clone Wars fanfic halfway through, and, well, I just wrote the rest to get myself unstuck. My muse still hasn't totally returned to this fic and I don't trust her, but we're getting somewhere anyway!

Sorry it's been so long but I have put out some really great Clone Wars fics with a friend if any of you wanna check those out and see what the heck I've been doing. XD

Next week is finals week so we'll see what happens as far as an update for this - hope y'all are all still on board!