Disclaimers: Same old, same old.
Sorry for the wait on this chapter! A bit of writers' block towards the middle, combined with the fact that I actually started doing work again instead of just writing fanfiction all day :-). Enjoy and please review!
Alex was already seated in the café where she'd agreed to meet Sarah for lunch, tapping her foot nervously and looking at her watch each time she took a sip of her coffee.
She stood up to greet the girl with a nervous smile when she arrived, unsure whether she should offer a hug, but Sarah barely made eye contact before flopping down in the booth across from her. Alex immediately noticed the dark circles under Sarah's eyes, and the short bob haircut that had replaced the long, thick, layered reddish brown hair that Sarah had once mentioned was her favorite physical feature.
"You changed your hair," Alex said softly, without intending that to be her greeting.
Sarah shrugged. "I changed a lot of things."
"I'm sorry," Alex offered. "For how things turned out. For not being able to come back sooner. How are you doing?"
Sarah looked down at her hands on the table and reached into her purse to pull out a folded-up piece of paper, which she unfolded and slid across the table to Alex.
"Is this the reason you came back?" she accused.
Alex found herself looking at a copy of the front page of the Times with the articles about her rape and Robert's sentencing. "No, this isn't why I came back," she said carefully. "I came back because it was the right thing to do."
"But mostly because it sort of looks bad to get all this publicity speaking out to help rape victims when you've left one hanging on the other side of the country," she spat.
"Sarah, that's not fair," Alex said quietly. "I didn't have a choice."
"I just think it's an awfully big coincidence that you supposedly got your 'real life' back almost a year ago, but you waited all this time to let me know that it was just some big, cruel cosmic joke, and three days later this article comes out." Sarah let out a half-laugh, half-sob. "So which is it: did he rape someone else, and now you're trying to make amends for being in love with a rapist when you used to put them in jail? Or did he rape you and now you know what it feels like to be a victim?"
Alex looked down at her coffee and bit her lip, the pained expression on her face and the tear in her eye telling Sarah she had gone too far. "That's enough," Alex said firmly. "Are you done?"
Sarah nodded, immediately regretting the vitriol in her voice. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"
Alex shook her head. "You have every right to be angry, but I am not your enemy." She looked directly into dark green eyes, taking a breath to steady herself. "Will you stay for lunch so we can talk?"
Sarah nodded and flipped through the menu, and Alex reassured her that she could order whatever she wanted and it was her treat. Alex watched the girl out of the corner of her eye, noticing the differences between the shy, sullen, angry teenager in front of her and the spunky, bright-eyed freshman who had sat in her English class two years before.
Sarah had been one of the only students to take both pre-AP freshman English and two semesters of debate and speech, and she'd eagerly joined the after-school debate team and participated in almost all of the monthly Saturday tournaments. As Kristin, Alex had been happy to share coaching responsibilities with another rookie teacher and spend her afternoons and weekends with a bunch of teenagers, since it gave her a built-in social life and lots of reasons not to fall back into the bad habits she'd developed and then overcome in Wisconsin.
The conversations with her debate team members had been interesting, and it almost reminded her of late-night ethical debates from her law school days with Alan, Trevor, Abbie, and some of their other friends, albeit without the wine. She thought that if they had met under different circumstances, without the teacher-student relationship, they could have been friends. When Sarah had revealed that she wanted to go to law school, Alex had been secretly thrilled, and simultaneously frustrated that she had to pretend she knew nothing about it and that she couldn't advise her.
"You didn't answer my question earlier," Alex said softly when Sarah closed the menu and looked down at her lap, avoiding eye contact. "How are you doing?"
Sarah swallowed as tears welled up in her eyes. "I thought it was over," she choked out. "I thought it didn't hurt me any more. What he did to me. What everyone else said. Being abandoned by the one person who believed me and whom I thought I could trust."
Alex smiled inwardly at the proper use of 'whom,' and chastised herself. She was the person who had abandoned Sarah. Sarah hadn't come to school for a week after the attack, and hadn't accepted visitors when Alex had stopped by her house one afternoon to make sure she was doing okay. Alex had made one final effort to inquire into her well-being by pulling her aside after class one day, but had been brushed off, and two days later, she had 'died.'
"It's hard to heal and move on when you can't get justice and you have to see your attacker every day," Alex sympathized.
"And when you're ostracized because you went to the police to accuse Mr. Most Likely to Succeed of rape."
Alex nodded. "We're going to get him, you know. We've got a good case."
"And then I'm the one who put the Harvard-bound valedictorian football star in jail," Sarah pointed out.
"He's not going to Harvard," Alex said firmly. "I've got connections. As soon as I send the police report over there, he's out. I'm going to wait until charges are filed so it's official, but there's no way in hell he's going to my school. If I have my way, he'll be expelled from the high school before he finishes, too."
"Can we not talk about this now?" Sarah asked as their food arrived.
Alex nodded. "Do you have any questions for me? I mean, I know my email came as a surprise, but…"
Sarah snorted. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."
"Me too," Alex admitted. "Do you at least understand what Witness Protection is and how it works?"
Sarah nodded. "I think so. The FBI said you were dead and gave you a new identity far away?"
"Basically. I was shot during a case we were working on. Federal agents told everyone - my family, my friends, my coworkers - that I lost too much blood during surgery and died. While I was recovering, they moved me out of New York, changed my appearance, and gave me a new identity to learn that had nothing in common with who I actually am. First, they moved me to Wisconsin, where I lived for a year and a half, until the police in New York arrested the man who shot me and charged him with my murder. I had to go back to testify against him, and then the FBI moved me to a new identity, here."
"And nobody knew where you were?"
Alex shook her head. "Outside of the FBI agents, the only people who knew I was even alive were two of the detectives I worked with who were there when I was shot. You'll meet Olivia later. She's been my friend since we started working together, and she was standing next to me… I refused to go unless I could tell her it wasn't her fault… My parents, my brother, and everyone else I love thought I was dead for over a year. My mom died after two months, and she would have died thinking I was dead if Olivia hadn't told her."
"Oh." Sarah suddenly felt guilty, recognizing the twinge of pain in Alex's voice and realizing that since learning Alex had been in witness protection, she had never considered the impact it would have had on her. "How much of what you told us about yourself was true? None of it?"
"Most of what I said - stories I told about myself in class - those were pretty much all true. I changed the characters, though, since Kristin Walker was an only child and an orphan from Gainesville with no real family to speak of, and I'm from Boston, my father is still alive, I have a brother, sister-in-law, and niece and a bunch of cousins, and the only time I've ever spent in Gainesville was 5 days in an FBI safe house learning how to pretend to be from there before I came here. I do have a degree in English and Philosophy with a concentration in Creative Writing, but it's from Columbia, not UF."
"When we had that party in French class and you sort of… spaced out, or got emotional or something when we played Alexandrie, Alexandra…"
"I told you my grandfather sang that to me when I was little. I think I was about 3 when it came out. He did have a thing for Claude François and bad French disco and pop music, but it makes more sense if my name is Alexandra, doesn't it?" Alex smiled.
Sarah smiled back for the first time since she had sat down. "I guess."
"Sarah, I'm not sure if you realize this, but a lot of people don't get to come back from witness protection. I'm very lucky to have gotten a second chance. And to have gotten it so quickly, relatively speaking. If I had to testify against a drug lord or wait for his trial and appeals to be over, I could have stayed in for many years."
"Why did you wait so long to write to me?"
Alex sighed. "If I had come back six months ago, or a year ago, I wouldn't have been any help to you. It took me a while to get back to being myself, and I… I couldn't have helped you the way I want to."
Sarah was just about to ask what she meant when Alex's phone rang, and she answered "Cabot," apologizing for taking the call.
"Oh, hi Liv. Did you talk to her? I see. So, she confirmed what we thought? How many? Shit. Well, if they all happened in the high school, the statute of limitations won't be expired. Normally, that should be enough for a warrant. I'll ask her. Okay, see you soon. Bye."
Alex hung up the phone turned it on silent, and slipped it back into her purse. "Sarah, I'm sorry for the interruption. That was Olivia, who went to talk to someone who used to work at the school because of something to do with Chris's dad." Alex took a deep breath and looked into Sarah's eyes. "Sarah, we think that you weren't Chris's only victim. We think that there were other girls."
Sarah shook her head violently and whimpered. "No. No, no, no. It's not possible. No." Alex reached out to take her hand.
"Why don't you think it's possible?" Alex asked gently.
"Because if it happened to someone else, they would have believed me."
Alex squeezed her hand. "Sarah, you paid a pretty high social price for reporting him, didn't you?"
Sarah nodded.
"Then don't you think it's possible that other girls were afraid to come forward? Or maybe they were afraid to say no to him? Or he threatened them somehow?" Sarah shrugged.
"Lots of grown women sometimes have trouble admitting that what happened to them was rape," Alex continued. "In yours, he surprised you in the bathroom and pinned you to the wall. In other situations, sometimes it's just a matter of the rapist going farther than his victim intended, or coercing her somehow, or getting her drunk so he can take advantage of her. It's a lot harder to get people to recognize some of those situations as rape, and even the women themselves can be confused."
"So not believing me made it easier for them to deny what happened to them?"
"It's possible." Alex nodded slowly. "Sarah, did he take anything from you? A piece of jewelery, a hairclip, anything like that?"
"I had a clip I bought especially for the dance that had little purple sequins on it. Right before you came in, he took it and put it in his pocket. Why?"
"Because guys like him rarely have just one victim, and they usually like to take trophies - something the victim was wearing to remind them of the attack, to get them excited later." Alex explained. "If he took something from you, the police may be able to find items he took from other victims, which would help us prove you're not the only one, even if they haven't come forward before."
"And what good will that do?" Sarah asked.
"It gets justice for his other victims. If they didn't go to the hospital, didn't report it, and there's no physical evidence, the only way the DA will be able to charge him for more crimes is if they find his trophy collection, the girls agree to testify, and there's enough of a pattern that the charges can be linked. If the charges are linked, then your case - with physical evidence and three corroborating witnesses - will help win their cases. If the charges can't be linked, then you might be the only one who would have enough evidence to go to trial."
"And why should I care about helping them? Nobody helped me," she spat, her anger returning.
"I helped you. I am helping you," Alex pointed out. "And as angry and hurt as I know you've been, they're probably just as angry and hurt too, and scared to come forward."
"What do I need to do?"
"For starters, tell the detectives so they can get a search warrant for his place. He assumes that he's been getting away with it for two years or more, because he doesn't know I'm alive and back here to testify. So we have the element of surprise."
"Once they talk to him, they're not going to believe me either," Sarah said, her eyes tearing up again.
"What makes you say that?"
Sarah shrugged. "You don't know why everyone at school called me names for months afterwards."
Alex shook her head. "No, I don't. But I'm guessing he told people you had sex with him in the bathroom before you got to tell your side of the story?"
Sarah nodded and turned red, looking away. "He told everyone I wanted it. That I'd begged him for it."
"That doesn't mean it's true," Alex reassured her, touching her hand again. "Sarah, I promise I'm not going to judge you for anything. Even if you planned to have sex with him and then changed your mind and he did it anyway, that's still rape."
"No! That's not what happened."
"I didn't think it was. I saw what happened and I believe you, remember? I can't imagine anything you could tell me right now that would change that."
"I didn't even know what was happening at first," she whispered. "I'd never… had one before. When he… he had me pinned to the wall, and he touched me, down there, and I…" Alex closed her eyes briefly to push down her own tears and memories as she realized what Sarah was telling her. "Please don't make me say it."
She took Sarah's hand and held it as she started to cry, using her free hand to pull a packet of tissues out of her purse. After a moment, she went over to sit on Sarah's side of the booth, putting an arm around her.
"Sarah, you are not the first woman that's happened to. And it doesn't mean you wanted it, or you liked it. It means your body had a physiological response that it's supposed to have during sex. His attorney can't bring it up at all in court. Orgasm is not a defense to rape."
"Really? But he told everyone…"
"And we've already established that he's an ass. Listen, sweetheart, I have seen photos of women who were very badly injured during a rape, sometimes to the point of needing reconstructive surgery. I know you're embarrassed, but your body protected you from that."
Alex sat with Sarah until her crying slowed and returned to her own side of the booth. "I'm just going to go wash my face. I'll be right back."
Alex nodded. "Just tell me what you want for dessert so I can order if the waiter comes by. I think I'm going to have the chocolate mousse. I'm going to get coffee, too. Do you want coffee or tea?"
Sarah had just turned the corner towards the back of the café when Olivia arrived and slid in the booth next to Alex, kissing her on the cheek. "How's it going?" she asked gently.
"It's rough. She's angry and hurt, and still pretty traumatized, I think. Do you want something to eat? That's our waiter. I was going to order dessert for us." Alex flagged him over to place their order for dessert and for a sandwich for Olivia, and to place an odd request.
"What do you need that for?" Olivia asked.
"I need it to make a point," Alex explained. "You'll see. Did you find out anything useful this afternoon?"
"Not really," Olivia said. "She signed a confidentiality agreement when she left, so she said she couldn't tell me anything. I told her what we suspected and asked if she thought most of the donations were related to allegations against Keating, and if she thought the school administrators were aware of what was going on, and she implied yes on both counts."
"That's sick." Alex commented. "We've got to get these guys."
"I know. I sent Abbie a text message. We can call her in a bit."
Alex looked up to see Sarah walking back towards the table. "Are you sure you're okay with this?" she asked, studying Olivia's face.
"I'm sure if you're sure, sweetie. It's completely up to you." Olivia squeezed her hand under the table.
"Olivia, this is Sarah Williams, one of my students and debate team members from a couple years ago," Alex introduced her as she sat down. "Sarah, this is my girlfriend, Detective Olivia Benson. She works with the Special Victims Unit in Manhattan, where I used to work."
Olivia smiled and held out her hand. "Nice to meet you, Sarah."
Sarah shot Alex a confused look and shook Olivia's hand. "Girlfriend? I thought you were just engaged."
"It's… complicated," she replied as Olivia put a hand on her thigh to stop her from getting defensive. They had had a long conversation on the plane ride about what role Alex wanted Olivia to take on, in Portland and in general.
"What are we?" Alex had asked out of the blue, sometime during the second hour of their flight. "How do you want me to introduce you?"
"Sweetie, it's still pretty new, and none of our friends know yet. If you want to just introduce me as your friend for now, that's fine. We don't have to label it yet, and it's kind of soon for us to say we're in a relationship, don't you think?"
Alex shrugged. "Well, we're living together, sleeping together, making out, going on a trip together… that sounds like a relationship to me. I don't do those things with all my friends, you know."
Olivia smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "And I still haven't taken you out on a proper date. Lex, I love you and I promise I'm not going anywhere. I just don't want to rush you into putting a label on what we are or force you to come out if you're not ready."
"You're not forcing me to do anything, Liv. But I thought Portland might be a good 'test run' of sorts, for me to get used to being public. I don't want to keep you a secret, but that doesn't mean I'm not a little nervous about telling everyone. Is there a reason you don't want to say we're in a relationship?"
Olivia sighed. "Alex, I just… Sometimes I worry that you came to me feeling really vulnerable and that I've taken advantage of you somehow, and that when you're feeling stronger you're either going to realize that you don't actually want to date a woman, or that the woman you want to date isn't me. I —"
"Liv, stop. Believe me, I was plenty alone and vulnerable in Wisconsin and I certainly didn't develop feelings for Mr. Claims Adjustor." She took Olivia's hand and looked into her eyes. "You didn't take advantage of me and I know you never would. All that happened was I realized what my true feelings for you were. If anything, I've been taking advantage of you."
"Lex, you haven't taken advantage of me. I told you that everything I've done I would do no strings attached, regardless of your feelings for me."
"I know that, Liv, and I know what my feelings are. Hell, I've spent enough time in therapy trying to figure them out. So don't suggest that I don't know my own mind, okay? I love you."
"I love you too, Lex. I'm just afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"That this is too good to be true," Olivia whispered.
Alex leaned over and kissed her softly. "Me too," she admitted quietly against Olivia's mouth. "But I know what I feel when we kiss, when you touch me… I have to believe that this is real. And I want to make it real. Let everyone else know it's real. Is that okay?"
"That sounds fair. Just don't pressure yourself, okay?"
"I won't. But I still don't know what I should call you."
"Girlfriend?" Olivia suggested.
"We're not having sex," Alex pointed out. "So only in the seventh grade sense."
Olivia laughed. "Yet. We're not having sex yet." She tucked a piece of hair behind Alex's ear. "And we'll get there, eventually, if that's what you want. Besides, if sex is the defining factor, that means 'lover' is also out. What about 'soul mate'?"
Alex smiled and leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Soul mate," she murmured. "I like that."
Olivia kissed her head. "Besides, I'm not sure they have a word for 'best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for years who recently came back from the dead whom I desperately want to make love to but we both need lots more therapy before that can happen.'"
"There's probably a word for that in German," Alex deadpanned.
"Unfortunately I don't speak German," Olivia replied, laughing. "So maybe we should stick with 'girlfriend'?"
The waiter arrived with Olivia's meal and the desserts, preventing Alex from explaining their relationship further. "Uh, what do you want me to do with this?" he asked awkwardly, holding up the onion Alex had asked for.
"I'll take it," Alex said, holding out her hand. "Thank you." She pushed Sarah's crème brûlée out of the way and placed it in front of her on the paper placemat, and held the knife. "Sarah, can you please cut this onion up for me?"
Sarah looked confused and tentatively picked up the knife. "Uh, okay. What's this about?"
"I'll explain," Alex said, smiling kindly at her. "Just trust me, okay?"
Sarah nodded and began slicing the onion. "Is this good?"
Alex nodded. "Keep going," she encouraged, waiting for Sarah to sniffle and for the first tear to roll down her cheek. She wiped her eye. "Sarah, what's happening right now?"
"Uh, I'm cutting an onion like you asked…" she said, rolling her eyes slightly.
"What's happening to your body right now?"
"I'm crying."
"Are you sad?" Alex asked. Sarah looked confused. "Is cutting the onion making you sad? Did you have feelings for the onion?"
"Uh, no. That's weird. Why?"
"So cutting the onion isn't causing an emotional response of making you sad, but it is causing a physiological response of making you cry. Is that right?"
"I guess. Where are you going with this?"
"So just because your body is having a physiological response to a stimulus - like the onion - it doesn't mean that your feelings match what your body is doing," Alex explained. "And maybe in other situations, your body has had a reaction that hasn't matched the emotions you were feeling at the time."
"I guess so," Sarah admitted, smiling slightly and sniffling again.
"Okay, I think I've made my point. Let me get rid of this so we can all stop crying," Alex said, getting up from the table and wrapping the onion in the paper mat.
"Thanks," Sarah said quietly when Alex sat back down.
"Sarah, that may have helped a little, but I think it would be a good idea if you saw a therapist. Did you go to one at all?"
Sarah rolled her eyes. "My parents made me go see some family counselor for my 'behavior problems'. I don't think she was trained in anything. We had ten sessions covered by insurance and all she wanted to talk about was why I didn't want to go to school anymore."
"Did you talk to her about the rape?" Olivia asked.
Sarah shook her head. "It was a guy. I mentioned it, but he kept bringing up other stuff, like why I didn't want anyone to come near me and why I kept getting into fights with my dad when he wouldn't leave me alone."
"Treat the symptoms, not the disease," Alex commented.
"When we go to talk to the SVU detectives I'll ask them if they have a list of counselors they recommend who specialize in rape counseling," Olivia said. "I wouldn't recommend you see anyone who isn't qualified to work with rape victims."
"My parents aren't going to go for it. They don't believe me." Sarah said.
"Let me talk to them," Alex offered. "I'll pay for the counseling myself if your insurance won't cover it, but you really should go. And if this goes to trial, you're going to need your parents' support."
"My dad's sick. They have enough to deal with without this. And you don't have to pay for my counseling."
"I can afford it. It's not a big deal. And it'll really help you, I promise." Alex said.
"Sarah, your parents love you, but sometimes parents have a hard time accepting that something bad happened to their child," Olivia said gently. Sarah had been prepared to dislike the woman Alex had shared her story with without her permission, but she found Olivia impossible to hate. "And this Chris kid did a hell of a job convincing everyone that he was the victim, but we're going to prove him wrong and send him to jail where he belongs. Let us talk to your mom and dad first, though, okay?"
Sarah looked down at her empty crème brûlée dish. "Okay."
Olivia and Alex both reached out at the same time to hold Sarah's hand, and they joined in the middle of the table.
"We're going to get him, Sarah," Alex promised quietly. "And then we're going to get the school."