wise men say
it looks like rain today
it crackled on the speakers
and trickled down the sleepy subway trains
for heavy eyes could hardly hold us
aching legs that often told us
it's all worth it

We All Fall In Love Sometimes

Chapter 38: Paradox

An hour passes excruciatingly slowly when you're waiting for the biggest news of your life.

For Lily, who was never the most patient woman on earth, hearing from a Healer that she was, indeed, going to be a mother was something she needed, something to seal the fate she knew in her bones to be ahead of her.

Just the wait was killing her.

"Can't they process that damn blood any faster?" Lily grumbled as she sat, swinging her feet, on a paper-covered table. The hospital gown she was wearing itched around the collar and was too short – Sirius had snapped at the Healer for ogling her legs.

"I'm sure it'll be done soon," her friend now said, patting her knee in a manner so patronizing she flicked him in the forehead. He crinkled his nose. "Just being supportive, Lily, seeing as your lover boy didn't see fit to be here with you."

She sighed heavily and wiggled her toes to distract herself. "Doesn't matter now. We all know what the results will be."

"Then why the impatience? No, don't answer that," Sirius added quickly, holding up a hand. "Look, I'm not blind, I can see the ring on your hand. I know you're protective of him."

Lily blushed slightly, though she couldn't say why. "It's hasty, I know."

Sirius shrugged and swept his hair from his eyes. "Hasty? You and James? No."

"No need for sarcasm." Lily sighed again and lifted her gaze to the ceiling. "I know James and I don't have… the healthiest relationship. I mean, I'm not stupid. Just look at the way we got together."

"I had a front row seat, love."

"Yeah, I…" she hesitated. "Again, I know. Sirius, is it ever, y'know, not going to be weird between us?"

He shrugged, looking thoughtful. "Honestly, Lily, though I think I ought to be the least of your worries, how could things not be weird? Consider our history – you dated my best friend and dumped him, we had an on-and-off relationship until I vanished off the hemisphere, then I came back, we're in an open relationship, and just when things were getting serious I dumped you so you could sex up James again."

Lily was stunned. "Wow, when you put it like that," she stammered.

"Exactly." Sirius half-smiled. "I guess that whole time there wasn't a lot of room for being normal friends."

She looked at the floor.

"I genuinely liked you, you know," he added quietly. His voice reverberated throughout the small, unfriendly office. She shifted in her paper gown.

"Why would you tell me that? I know. I liked you, too," Lily said.

"I'm part of a secret underground organization," Sirius said suddenly. An unreadable expression crossed his face and she could see him pale. "What I mean to say is – well -"

"What?" she pressed, brow furrowed. A secret organization? What was he joking about?

"Er, I…"

"Missus Evans?" The Healer came through the door then, effectively silencing Sirius, and Lily didn't even bother to correct the man on her title. After all, what was he to think? She was pregnant and wearing a ring. Go figure.

"So when's it due?" she asked quickly, glancing at Sirius. He was gripping the edge of his seat tightly.

The Healer looked at Sirius nervously. "Are you the father?"

"Yes, I bloody well am," Sirius answered irritably. "Just tell us."

"Actually, there's been some trouble with your blood work," the Healer said. "We'll have to draw another sample and get back to you in about two hours."

Lily flushed. "Sirius, what time is it?"

"Nine."

"Five hours 'til game time." She bit her lip. She had to make a decision, but she couldn't do it now… "Can you owl me, sir?"

"Indeed," said the Healer. He looked slightly starstruck as he pulled a quill from his pocket. "I'll just have a note sent… and could you possibly sign this for my daughter? She's nine, a big fan…"

"You know me, then," Lily murmured. "Oh, thank Merlin for doctor-patient confidentiality…"

--

"Where's Lily?"

"Going to be a bit late today…"

--

"Great. We have two hours to burn," Lily said angrily, kicking at a piece of string in front of St. Mungo's. She felt, as she so often did lately, faint headed, and stilled for a moment to recollect herself. "God, I really just want this over with."

"If you can't think of anything to do, we can buy baby supplies," offered Sirius, though he looked as if he was growing impatient with this as well. "Or we could plan your wedding, or – oh, braid each other's hair and paint our toenails!"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Your sarcasm is so not helpful now, Sirius Black."

"Hello? Lily? Normal women would be doing those things, not obsessing over getting confirmation that they did, indeed, get knocked up by their f--- buddy."

She flinched. He stared at her. "Why would you say that?" she asked softly after a moment.

Sirius relaxed. "I'm sorry," he said equally softly. A pause. "I'm just concerned."

She waited.

"You're too worried about this. I know you're thinking about the match."

"You suddenly know me that well, do you?"

"Remus was upset, too," he said, ignoring her question. "He knows where this is going, I think. It's not going to be pretty, Lily."

"It's going to be fine," she replied shortly.

Sirius didn't say anything. He looked at the ugly mannequin in the dusty shop window that served as the entrance to Mungo's.

"I could've sworn that thing winked at me once," Lily told him, sticking her hands in her pockets and strolling away. As expected, he trailed after her, scratching the back of his neck and looking sheepish.

"I… meant it, about looking for baby things," he said after a while. She glanced back, mildly surprised. "I guess I'm a little more excited about the little bugger than you or James."

"D'you want to be godfather?" she asked suddenly, stopping. He followed suit, looking dumbfounded.

"Would I – would I like to-?" Sirius spluttered, his hair falling in his eyes. "I would be absolutely honored, Lil, I…"

"Okay," she said, unable to keep a smile from crossing her face. She could almost get into the swing of things, with Sirius's enthusiasm as contagious as it was. "That's that, then."

--

"Where's James?"

"Praying for a miracle."

"Shut up."

--

"Do you think green has advanced to be a unisex color?" Sirius asked thoughtfully, holding up a pair of booties. Lily took them from his hand.

"No, it's still a boy's color. And Sirius, these are ten Galleons… you know money's tight as soon as I lose my job…"

He looked around the small store, which was packed with women in various stages of pregnancy or lugging around small children. It was bright and colorful and smelled of sixteen-Sickles-a-pound baby powder, but for some reason Sirius Black, cool, calm, collected, and not entirely the fatherly type seemed far more at ease there than she.

"You know I could always help you out for now," he said quietly, taking the booties back. "They're so – and I never thought I'd say this – cute. Think your little man would like green?"

"You don't know if it's a boy, and I certainly will not let you loan me money," Lily said firmly. She patted his shoulder. "It's okay. It really is."

"In any case, James is anything but poor," he reminded her. She ignored him.

It always came back to this. Depending on someone, depending on James, to take care of her. But what if things didn't go according to plan? What if James died or dumped her or lost all his money and his job in an unfortunate economic blunder? Then they were both totally screwed.

Even worse, Sirius had in the last hour found it his duty to try and slip money to her. He'd taken at least three different approaches and was simply not backing down, even though she'd said again and again she didn't need it.

She would simply have to scale back luxuries, that was all.

"Can we leave?" she asked impatiently, hopping from foot to foot. "You know all this is too expensive."

Sirius shrugged and poked a stack of bedding sets. It tilted precariously.

"Sirius. What if someone recognizes me?"

He sighed and turned to her, dropping an arm about her shoulders. "Fine. Let's go," he said, "before you somehow get found out."

They exited the store, and he squeezed her shoulders gently before pulling away.

"I love how your life is all about anonymity," he told her. "Especially since you sort of chose to be a celebrity."

Lily shrugged and combed her fingers through her hair. "Honestly, I don't feel that famous. I'm just tired of the media being all over my rear."

Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets and began to whistle. It was a familiar tune, one she couldn't place.

"Hey, erm…" she hesitated. "Sirius…what you said earlier, back in the hospital…"

He looked up. A strange expression shifted in his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Well… I guess – what was that all about?"

"Oh," Sirius said. "The, erm, the secret organization thing."

Lily nodded. He took her elbow and drew her close, looking around. The alley was somewhat crowded, people laughing and chattering and going about their business as students milled about for school supplies. The sight of Hogwarts robes brought back many memories for Lily.

Sirius, apparently deeming the situation safe, cast a quick Muffliato charm. "It's called the Order of the Phoenix," he said in her ear. She stiffened. "We're working against the Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort."

She turned her head quickly to look into his eyes. He was completely serious. "Who's we?"

"I can't tell you everyone, naturally," he replied, "But it's headed by Dumbledore."

She could hardly contain her surprise. A secret, rebellious group fighting Voldemort? It seemed so far-fetched. And yet, if Dumbledore was heading it, then it would surely hold some merit…wouldn't it?

"Why are you telling me this, Sirius?" she asked after a moment. "Wouldn't that be against the rules?"

"Most definitely," he said, not looking sheepish or ashamed like he probably should. A small grin crept over his lips. "But I trust you. And you should know. You were supposed to be offered a spot. With us."

Lily gaped. "What?"

"Yes, erm…" Sirius looked vaguely shifty now, and she realized that he was probably breaking many rules and many codes of trust. Hopefully he wouldn't suffer ramifications just for her sake. But honestly! What was he on about? "In fact, when I came back from Africa, we were doing a bit of a character check on you."

"I didn't pass?" she asked suddenly, feeling disappointed.

"You passed with flying colors," he told her firmly. "You're an ideal candidate, actually. But I've promised some people not to invite you in, at least not until it's really necessary."

If Lily had asked, and she didn't think to, Sirius would've told her it was really necessary a long time ago. But promises were promises. He couldn't help it.

On the other hand, she looked as if she'd figured everything out. "You were conducting the check," she said.

After a moment's trepidation, he nodded.

"And Africa – was that really for your book, or -"

"Diplomacy, mostly. I'm a terrible writer."

She nodded, her head spinning.

An owl then landed on Sirius's shoulder, startling him so badly that he jumped, and Lily could feel the Muffliato charm fall. The owl clung tightly to Sirius (who let out a squeak of pain) and hooted, extending one leg to Lily.

She accepted the envelope tied to said leg and quickly flicked it open. The owl took off.

Her face went blank. "Well, what's it say?" Sirius prompted.

After a moment she said, "I guess one in one hundred can happen, after all."