Regrettable Actions

by RaisingAmara

Sixteen-year-old boys don't always make the best decisions, but Dean's been on a role lately. He's tired of playing big brother, tired of playing hunter's son. He'd like a little time to himself to hang out with a bad crowd, smoke and swear. He'd like a chance to do what the crowd is doing for once. He just had no idea that the crowd had a score to settle with Sammy.

36. Make It Stop

Dean,

It was hard, talking to you tonight and you didn't even realize it was me. I guess I can't really bitch though, because I didn't realize you were you until you said so. Jerk.

It's hard to believe we've reached that point - that place where that sixth sense we always had ceases to exist.

God, I miss you.

I miss you, and I'm so pissed at you. You're everything to me, you know. I think about you every day.

How could something … ANYTHING … be more important to you than seeing me for the first time in months?

When did that happen? There was a time … Well, I guess it doesn't matter now anyway.

I want to be happy for you. I do. But at the same time, I want you to be miserable - as miserable as I am because of how much I miss you.

Why can't you miss me the same?

Why am I never as important to the people I love as they are to me? You? Dad? What's wrong with me?

This whole notebook sounds whiny and pathetic, and I just hate myself more for writing in it, but I can't seem to stop. I don't really think it's helping me anymore. I just think it's keeping the wound raw.

Raw wound seems like the best way to describe how I feel, Dean. Being all alone, on my own … well, it sucks, okay? I made a mistake, okay?

Please come get me.

Please tell me I have to come home or else.

Please, feel something. Anything.

Don't just call me up and say something MORE IMPORTANT came up. Don't do that shit, Dean because it fucking HURTS.

I HATE YOU.

i miss you.

I don't think I can do this much longer, Dean.

How do I make it stop?