Chapter Thirty-Eight
"Hey, Luke." Jess slips quietly into the backdoor of the diner.
Luke looks up from the box he's unpacking in the storeroom. "Why did you use the backdoor?"
"Saw Babette coming this way. I figured it was safest. Where's Rory?"
"Still stuck in the square. She's been working the Taylor Doose Can Drive of Tyranny for hours now; I think at this point he's violating Connecticut labor laws."
"Guess I'll have to spring her then." Jess grabs an empty mason jar off one of the shelves and ducks out of the storeroom. Luke follows him into the kitchen, watching curiously as he greets Cesar and then dumps some diced green onions and garlic from the prep station into the jar. "Have you got a match?" He asks Luke.
"No," he deadpans.
"Oh c'mon." Jess moves quickly around him and heads up the stairs, jar in hand. "I just need one match."
"Jess, you can't blow up the square."
"Relax, I'm not gonna blow anything up."
Luke eyes him warily.
"I'm just sticking it to Taylor," Jess informs him, rummaging through one of the kitchen junk drawers and coming up with a matchbook and a magnifying glass. "That's got to make you at least a little happy." He tugs some hair from Rory's hairbrush, which she left lying on the kitchen table, and throws it into the jar, he then breaks off the head of the match and sets it carefully on top.
"What the hell are you doing? Is that a bomb?"
"It's just a stink bomb, chill out," he explains, sealing the jar shut tightly. "It's not going to explode or hurt anyone."
"Jess…"
"It'll clear out the square for half an hour or so. Rory can get away without winding up on Taylor's shit list and then the stupid festival can continue as planned."
"Aren't you a little old for this?"
"Oh I'm way too old for this, but it's the best I could do on short notice. Unless you have any better ideas?"
"If Taylor catches you, I am not bailing you out," he tells his nephew.
"Please, when have I ever gotten caught?"
"The baseballs?"
"Never proved that was me. Also I don't think they ever found them."
"The bridge money?"
Jess shakes his head. "False accusation. Seriously, I didn't do it."
Luke shifts, considering this. "Okay, the chalk body outline."
"Their case was fuzzy and circumstantial at best."
"Pierpont!" He exclaims. "I caught you with the gnome."
"He followed me home," Jess protests. "What as I supposed to do, refuse to give him a place to crash?"
Luke rolls his eyes. "You know what, I have things to do. We're done here. Go get your girlfriend."
Jess treads to the door, a smirk on his face.
"I mean it about getting caught," Luke calls after him.
"Yeah, yeah." Jess mumbles as he jogs out the door.
Outside, he faces the square looking for a nice isolated spot to execute his plan. He smirks, spotting Rory at the can drive table, sporting a black pilgrim dress and a ridiculous white bonnet. He finally decides that his best bet is to light the match head with a magnifying glass somewhere more isolated, then inconspicuously drop the jar somewhere centrally located.
He's standing behind the port-o-potties, trying to catch enough light with the magnifying glass to get the match to start smoking when he hears her.
"Well, well, well. What are you up to on this fine day, you delicious hunk of rebellion?"
Jess grits his teeth as the match finally catches, turning around. "Miss Patty."
Draped head to toe in leopard print, she watches him with an arched eyebrow, one hand on her hip, the other theatrically cradling her long cigarette between two fingers.
He decides to play up the romance angle. "I'm trying to spring Rory from this Taylor induced hell," he explains.
Patty smiles, tapping some ash onto the ground. "Well aren't you the dark knight?"
"Yeah so I'll just be—"
He tries to slip past her but she grabs his arm. "Hold it right there, sailor. Now I may be a romantic but I'm gonna need a little something from you if you want me to keep quiet about this."
He gulps. "You seem to have mistaken me for a gigolo."
"You misunderstand me." Patti laughs throatily. "Like I would ever touch sweet Rory's man. No, I'm just going to need a little garden variety favor."
"What is it?" He sighs.
"Do you think you could get me Taylor's megaphone?"
He thinks about this for a second, realizing this could work to his advantage. "Yeah. Meet me by the gazebo in two minutes for the handoff."
She lets go of his arm with a sultry grin. "Go on then you, Byronic hero, you." She watches him go, appreciating his posterior as she takes a drag on her cigarette. Oh to be young again.
Jess cracks the open jar and sets it on the ground behind the gazebo, looking around. Kirk is running all over the square searching for the keys to his Segway while Taylor is standing by the horn-of-plenty, megaphone in hand, lecturing Andrew about the sign hanging in his store. Jess is glad because Andrew is one of the few people in this town that he can stand enough to justify distracting Taylor.
"Hey Taylor," he approaches them. Taylor glares at him, surprised.
"What is it?"
"I just saw a bunch of kids on skateboards holding what looked like cans of spray paint. You should probably go check that out."
Taylor's face flashes immediately with alarm and he sets his megaphone distractedly on the table. "Where?"
"Over by your market."
"Over by my—"
He takes off, leaving the megaphone unmanned. Jess picks it up and discreetly tosses it to Patty as he makes his way towards Rory's table.
She's distracted, trying to show the other girl she's working with how to make change, and doesn't notice him come up behind her.
"Nice outfit. It's very…Abigail Williams," he leans over to whisper in her ear.
She jumps about ten feet in the air, sending change scattering.
"Jess!"
"Hi," he eyes her up and down, noticing the weird shortness of the dress. "Where's the flood?"
She ignores this, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him with abandon.
"Missed you too," he tells her, tugging the askew bonnet off her head.
"I'm so happy to see you. I've been trying to get away for half an hour but every time I try, Taylor mysteriously appears with change."
"Rory!" Taylor storms over to them. "What do you think you're doing? There are children here. And you're supposed to be working, not putting on an indecent display of public affection. Those cans aren't going to count themselves."
Rory opens her mouth to begin a tirade but Jess nudges her lightly.
"Wait for it," he whispers into her ear.
Rory eyes him quizzically.
"Oh my God, what is that smell?" Lacey pipes, wrinkling her nose. "God, that's awful."
"And now," Jess whispers.
"Okay people," Patty says into Taylor's megaphone. "We're going to clear the square until we can find the source of this smell, everyone please move towards the church and the school."
"What the—Patty!" Taylor storms after her shouting about abuse of power.
"Let's get out of here," Jess loops an arm around her shoulders.
"Agreed," Rory concurs. "Lacey, can you make sure that cash box gets to Taylor? Oh and," she rummages through her apron pocket. "Could you tell Kirk you found these on the ground?"
"Yeah sure," she replies, her voice nasally from holding her nose. She picks up the cash box, takes the keys from Rory and takes off towards the school. "Thanks for teaching me how to make change," she calls back behind her.
"What did you do?" Rory asks Jess as they walk briskly towards the diner.
"I know you're fully capable of telling Taylor off and stuff but I figured I'd help keep you off his shit list for awhile, since I'm already a permanent member and all."
Rory opens her mouth to thank him but she closes it, noticing Patty wink at him as she marches past, leading a group of people behind her.
"Did I just see what I thought I saw?"
"Patty threatened to rat on me if I didn't get her Taylor's megaphone," he explains.
They watch as Lacey hands the keys to a very grateful Kirk. He immediately hops on the Segway, zipping around the square.
"Get to the school," he shouts. "It's every man for himself. You ma'am—leave the child behind. Let's go people, move, move, move."
"So who gave Kirk a Segway? Is he moonlighting as a mall cop now?" Jess asks. "And why did you steal his keys?"
"Star's Hollow is just full of back alley dealings today," Rory comments. "Mom needed me to distract him so I stole his keys in exchange for her keeping your mother away from the diner tonight."
"So basically," he tells her, holding open the door to the diner, "the whole town is channeling, The Crucible."
"Yeah, and you're their favorite witch." She leans closer, so only he can hear her. "Wanna be the John Proctor to my Abigail Williams?"
He fingers the edge of her collar with a wolfish grin. "Only if you promise not to have a psychotic fit and accuse me of witchcraft at the next town meeting."
"I think I can manage that."
She takes his hands, walking slowly backwards, a hazy smile on her face.
"Jeez!" Luke exclaims as Rory, fixated on Jess, nearly walks into him.
"Sorry Luke," she apologizes.
He shakes his head. "Would you two get out of here before you ruin all my customer's appetites."
"Gladly." Jess loops an arm around her waist and they duck behind the curtain. "Oh and Luke," he adds, poking his head out a second later. "Don't come upstairs in ten minutes looking for your alarm clock or your shovel or whatever."
His head disappears amid a series of Rory's girlish giggles, leaving a glowering Luke behind.
"I…hate…this dress," Jess punctuates between kisses as they stumble up the stairs. "I can't…touch…anything."
"Buttons…" Rory answers breathlessly, nipping at his ear. "…on the back." She turns around as they stagger through the door, allowing him access to the series of buttons that go halfway down the back of the dress.
"Why isn't there a fucking zipper?" He growls in frustration.
"Because when Mom made these years ago, Taylor insisted there not be any zippers."
Jess kicks the door shut with his foot an turns the lock. "Fucking tyrant," He growls under his breath, undoing the buttons. "How did you even get this on?"
"Lane had to help."
He undoes the last button and slides his hands into her dress. "God that's so much better," he says against the back of her neck, his hands sliding up her waist.
Rory pulls her arms out of the sleeves and turns around, kicking the rest of it off with disgust.
"And that's even better," he murmurs, his mouth moving down her chest.
Rory tugs on his belt loops, stepping backwards towards the bed as she works at his pants.
Downstairs in the diner, Lorelai bursts in on a typical Taylor and Luke bickering match.
"It was probably some kid," Luke protests.
"He was seen in the square with Rory, moments before the smell started," Taylor insists. "And they were both last seen entering this establishment. What do you have to say about that Luke? Hmmm?"
Lorelai helps herself to a cup of coffee, watching the interaction with amusement.
"I have lots of things to say to you Taylor and most of them would be banned by the FCC."
"I need to search the premises." Taylor starts to head towards the curtain but Luke steeps in front of him and pushing him back, a hand against his chest.
"You're not going anywhere. This is private property."
"This is a local establishment, there was a danger to public safety I have every right to—"
"A threat to public safety? A kid planted a stink bomb, Taylor. What are you going to do, call the National Guard?"
"If necessary, yes." He tilts his head proudly.
"You're insane," Luke yells. "The smell was gone in less than twenty minutes and everything went ahead as usual."
Lorelai reaches over, opening the lid to the donut case. "Tongs," Luke reminds her, passing her a plate.
"It's the principle of the thing," Taylor continues. "Don't make me get a warrant Luke."
"First of all, you're not the police, you can't get a warrant, and even if you could, what exactly are you going to catch him in possession of?"
Taylor adjusts his cardigan proudly. "Burnt hair was recovered inside the jar and I fully intend to have a DNA test done."
"You can't do a DNA test on burnt hair, Taylor," Lorelai interjects, swallowing a mouthful of donut.
He reels on her. "What so you're an expert now?"
"Well no, but I read it in one of April's textbooks."
"Well," Taylor sniffs. "I'm having one done anyways. You can fully expect a warrant for his hair any day now."
Luke rolls his eyes. "Yeah, you have fun getting a cop to give you a warrant for that. In the meantime get OUT of my diner!"
Taylor storms off, the bell clanging loudly behind him.
"So, honey, how was your day?" Lorelai asks sweetly.
Luke takes a ragged breath. "What kind of -cide is it if you kill your nephew?"
"I think it's just homicide. You know, you could've really stuck it to all three of them at once if you'd let him go up there and catch them in flagrante," she takes a sip of her coffee.
He winces. "Can you not remind me of what's happening in my apartment please?"
"I'm sure we've done better," she tells him with a wink.
Luke shifts uncomfortably.
"Wow, ten shades of red," Lorelai exclaims.
Luke props his elbows on the counter. "Is that true about the hair?"
Lorelai shrugs. "No idea."
"Well if he does somehow find someone insane enough to give him a warrant for Jess's hair, it's not going to match anyways. He used Rory's."
She sniggers. "He's quite the criminal mastermind, that one." She leans over to give him a quick kiss. "I've got to get back to the Inn."
"See you for dinner?" He asks, toying with the sleeve of her sweater.
She nods. "Your sister is coming over."
"T.J?" He makes a face.
"—has plans," she finishes.
He lets out a grateful sigh and reaches over to cup her face, kissing her again. "See you at six."
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this. It was another fun one to write. Thanks to all of you for reading/reviewing/following and favoriting. It's so nice to hear from you all.
If any of you were curious, a Segway is a brand of motorized scooter that you stand on, like what Gob has in Arrested Development.