Chapter 36

One week later...

Gibbs walked through the halls of DARPA, not really happy about being there, but glad that he'd got a call to come. Better him than anyone who worked at DARPA.

He walked to the only room with a door ajar. It was labeled as Room 23. That room had come up before.

He got to the door and looked inside. There was no sign of the horror that had occurred in there. The room was mostly empty. A table. A few chairs.

...and a man.

He was sitting on one of the chairs, elbows on his knees, his back to the door.

"Tim?" Gibbs said softly.

Tim didn't turn around.

"What are you doing here, Agent Gibbs?" he asked.

"Wondering the same thing about you."

"I'm trying to stop being the wimp I have been. I'm trying to see this as just a room. I'm trying to be free in my mind."

"And?"

"And I'm failing," Tim said. "I'm failing because it isn't just a room. This is where they controlled me. This is where they killed Mr. Orlen. ...and I'm... can't stop being afraid of it."

"Did you expect to right away?" Gibbs asked.

Tim didn't answer, but that didn't matter. It was obvious that the answer was yes. Tim had expected to change right away. He had expected to overcome his fears as soon as he was able to think again, as soon as the actual threat had been removed.

"You're not going to do that right away. Thirteen years doesn't go away in two weeks."

"I'm so tired of being afraid."

"Good. You can work on it, then."

"This is my nightmare," Tim said. "This is the worst place in the world, but to anyone else, it's just a room. There's no torture chamber. It's the people...and the people aren't in it. It shouldn't scare me anymore. The people who made it frightening can't do that anymore. Why can't I accept that?"

"Because the torture you went through didn't need machines. But it was still torture."

"How can I get my life back if I can't stop thinking about this room?"

"By taking your time and not expecting the impossible."

Tim sighed and still didn't turn around. Gibbs decided to say something he generally didn't bother with.

"And by following the rules."

"What rules?"

"You shouldn't be in here. This isn't your place of employment anymore. You don't work here, and there are restrictions on who is allowed in."

A long silence.

"You're saying that I have to listen to them even after everything they did?"

"That's not them. It's DARPA, and they have rules."

"Rules I have to obey?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Never had to before. The rules I had to obey were the ones where the only other option was a threat to my family."

"Exactly."

Gibbs could see that Tim was tense and stressed, but this was something he needed to understand because if his only reason for obeying rules and laws was a threat, he still was under their control. ...and he could very easily fall into a life that he didn't really want.

"I don't get it."

"We obey rules and law to keep order...and to show respect. This is how society works. If you're not willing to obey a law because your family isn't being threatened, then, they're still controlling you. They're still telling you what has to be done and they're still making you do things. You shouldn't need to be told what to do through violence."

"Maybe that's all I'm good for."

"No, it's not."

"Then, why can't I think about this logically?"

"Because you're not going to be able to look at this part of your life logically. Not now, maybe not ever. It doesn't mean you can't have more."

Tim stood and turned around. He was still wearing a sling to keep his arm immobile, but he barely seemed to notice it. His focus was on his mind...as it had been since they'd first started trying to get him out. He didn't care about his shoulder. He was worried about how he reacted, how he thought, what he was supposed to think.

"Agent Gibbs, I can't see it. Dr. Mallard said that I could have a life that was my own. He said that I should plan for it, but I can't see past this room!" He swallowed hard and turned away again. "I don't know how get out of it. Half my life has been in this room, and I can't..."

Gibbs waited for a few seconds and then he walked to Tim and put a hand on Tim's shoulder.

"You'll get out of this room, Tim. ...if you give yourself time. While you're getting out of here, though, you can't ignore everything else."

Tim didn't reply.

"Tim."

"Even if I do...what do I have?" He took a shaky breath. "Now that I'm... there's this room...and what's outside of it is... Erin being dead."

Gibbs understood that as much as another person's loss could be understood. He didn't doubt that Tim had loved Erin, but he also knew that Erin had been a symbol of everything he could have in life. Once she had been killed, it was as if everything he could have had was taken away from him. Violently. Suddenly. Tim needed to be able to see beyond her death. It would take time, though. Like Gibbs had said already, Tim couldn't expect to be normal a few days after he'd been freed from his captors.

"There's more, Tim. You just need to learn to see it."

"How do I do that?"

"With time. You can't rush it."

"I don't want to be like this."

"You don't have to be, but you have to take the time."

"So...what now?"

"Now, you leave the room and get out of the building before they decide to arrest you for trespassing."

Tim actually laughed a little bit and wiped at his eyes.

"How did you get in?"

"I was invited."

Tim took a breath and nodded. Gibbs' hand became a guide. He pulled slightly to urge Tim to the door. Tim resisted for a moment and then turned and walked out of the room with Gibbs.

"How did you get away from your parents?"

Tim smiled. "I walked out and told Dr. Mallard I would be back."

Gibbs was a little surprised that Ducky was still hanging out at the hospital, but not more than a little.

"What am I going to do, Agent Gibbs?"

"Not for me to tell you, Tim. You'll need to figure that out for yourself."

Tim took a deep breath, and Gibbs could see that it was definitely going to take time for Tim to be able to think for himself without fear of punishment for it.

They walked out of DARPA together and Tim stopped. He looked back at the building.

"I'll never be in there again, will I."

"I doubt it."

"It's half my life."

"A half worth leaving behind. You need to look forward and stop looking back."

"Mom and Dad want me to go to San Diego and spend some time there."

"Is that what you want?"

"I don't know. Right now...I just...don't know. It's like the clearer my mind is the more confusing everything else is."

"And you thought things would be clearer if you broke into DARPA?"

"I'd hoped they would."

"And?"

"They're not."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Go to San Diego. Don't have anything else."

"Family is a good thing, Tim. Don't knock it."

"I'm not. But I still don't have anything else." Tim walked down the steps and headed for the sidewalk.

"Wait, Tim. I'll give you a ride back."

"You don't need to."

"I know."

Tim stopped and looked at him. There was a glimmer of suspicion, just for a moment. Then, his face cleared and he nodded.

"Okay. Thanks."

Gibbs directed him to his car and drove him to the hospital. Technically, he didn't need to be there still, but they'd decided it was a good place to keep him secure while they were checking into whether or not he was still in danger.

When they got to the hospital, Gibbs walked with Tim to his room...where Ducky was sitting. Tim smiled at Ducky and then walked inside. Gibbs saw his mother and father talking to him and so he sat beside Ducky.

"How did it go?" Ducky asked.

"He's not ready for a real life yet."

Ducky nodded. "I've spoken to his parents. They're going to make sure he gets therapy when they get to San Diego."

"Good."

They were both silent for a moment, watching Tim with his family.

"He wanted me to tell him what to do," Gibbs said.

"Did you?"

"No. I only tell people what to do when they can make the decision for themselves. He can't. He doesn't need someone else making decisions for him. That's all he's ever had."

"No, he doesn't. He's definitely having a hard time adjusting to the idea that he has choices. Not surprising, of course, but it's something he'll have to learn. He's starting to feel the grief of losing his girlfriend, as well. All the chaos kept him from that before, but now... It's hitting him very hard."

"Yeah."

"I'm hopeful that time will prove the best healer."

Gibbs nodded and it suddenly struck him that their part in Tim's life was over. This man who had come into their sphere and taken over, briefly, was now leaving it. It was a bit of a shock to return to the life they'd had before knowing of the existence of Timothy McGee.

Life was getting started for Tim and it was going on for them.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

As was expected, very little of what had happened showed up in the news. DARPA managed to suppress what had been going on. Tueller did get arraigned on charges of assault, murder and attempted murder. Philip Orlen's body was found, and Tueller pleaded guilty, keeping pretty much all of it out of the courts.

As his parents had wanted, Tim went to San Diego. He left without a word and they didn't hear from him at all.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Six months later...

Tim walked along the beach. The sun was dipping toward the horizon and he was just close enough to the water that the waves would lap at his feet and then recede.

He could admit that his life was better than it had been before, and he could also admit that there was a lot to it, a lot of possibilities. In fact, that was the problem right now. He was spoiled for choice, and he just didn't know what he wanted. He was having a hard time knowing what he should decide.

He walked up the beach a little and sat down in the sand. The sun got lower and lower.

Then, he looked over and saw someone approaching. He smiled.

"Hi, Dad."

"Can I join you?"

"Of course."

Loren sat down beside Tim and looked out at the ocean.

"You've been pretty pensive the last few days, Tim."

"Yeah."

"What are you thinking about?"

"My life. What I'm going to do with it."

"And?"

"And I still don't know. My shrink says that I'm afraid of taking steps forward...because Erin is still there...in the past."

Loren squeezed his shoulder.

"She loved you, didn't she?"

"I think so."

"If so, then, she wouldn't want you to use her as a reason for not moving on."

"No, she wouldn't. She'd hate that."

"There are a lot of possibilities."

"Too many. I don't know how to choose."

"That's the real problem, isn't it."

"Yeah. I just don't know how to choose. How do you learn that? How do you decide which is the best idea, the best choice? What if there are a lot of good choices? How do you pick one? Dad, I don't...know how to do that."

The last rays of the sun turned the ocean red.

"You don't have to learn how to choose. You just do it. What do you want?"

"A life that means something. I want to make a difference...a good difference instead of a bad one."

"There are ways you can do that. A lot of them, not just one, and any one of them could let you be happy."

"I'm not joining the Navy, Dad," Tim said and smiled a little.

Loren smiled, too.

"I wasn't even going to suggest it. ...unless you wanted it."

"I don't. That's the one choice I can make, Dad."

"I'm all right with that. I'll let you choose that."

"Thanks, Dad."

"I want you to be happy, Tim. I don't care if you make a difference. I just want you to be happy...and free to make the life you want."

They sat together in silence until the last color left the sky. Then, they got up and walked back to the parking lot.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Ducky was relaxing on his day off. After the chaos of getting Tim freed from his captors, he had realized that having some time when he wasn't required to worry about his mother was as good for his mother as it was for him. He had started taking time to himself. His mother was in respite care for the day and he picked her up in the evening. He'd spent some time with friends and some time reading.

Now, he was relaxing on his porch, waiting for the time when he needed to go and pick up his mother.

His phone rang. He debated answering, but he knew it could be something important. So he pulled out his phone.

"Hello. This is Dr. Mallard."

"Hi, Dr. Mallard."

"Who is this?" Ducky asked. The voice was familiar, but he couldn't place it.

"It's...Tim... McGee."

"Oh, Timothy! I'm surprised to hear from you. You left rather precipitously."

"Yeah. I know. I didn't want to bother anyone. Uh... Could I ask you something?"

"Of course. It's no trouble at all."

"My shrink keeps telling me that I need to choose what I'm going to do with my life. He says that it's important that I make the choice."

"I agree."

There was a soft laugh. "Well... How do I do that?"

"Trial and error. You can't know if it's the right choice when you first make it. It takes time."

"But what if it's really wrong? What if I screw up and ruin things?"

Ducky smiled, feeling a little sad that Tim was still at this stage, although the fact that he was considering it was a good thing.

"I doubt that you would make a decision like that."

"But..."

"Timothy, I trust that you would make a good decision. ...and I'm certain that whatever the decision is, it won't be what I'd expect."

"Is that a good thing?"

Ducky laughed. "It depends on the situation, but in this case, unless you chose to pursue a life of crime, I think you will be pleasantly unpredictable."

"I don't want to pursue a life of crime."

"Good."

"Ducky... Uh... Dr. Mallard..."

"I told you before, Timothy, that you can feel free to call me Ducky if you'd like to."

Tim didn't respond to that.

"Could I ask you something that you won't tell anyone else?"

"Of course. I will keep my own counsel if you think it best."

"What if...I...tried to join NCIS?"

Ducky was surprised. Pleasantly surprised.

"That is unexpected. In a good way," he said. "I think you would find some challenges given your lack of higher education, but since we are aware of your background here, if you went through someone you know, you'd likely get a fair chance at it."

"Maybe you?"

"I'd be more than willing to drop a word in some ears for you."

"But don't tell anyone there...I haven't decided that's it yet, and I don't want..." He didn't finish.

"I understand, Timothy. If that becomes what you want to do, you may contact me...and you may do so any other time as well."

"Uh...thanks... Dr. Mallard."

Tim hung up. Ducky leaned back and thought about the conversation. Tim was still uncertain, still wary, but there was a view to the future, even if he was having trouble committing himself to a future. All in all, Ducky thought that he'd be interested in seeing what came of it.

...and if it came to Tim working at NCIS, he'd be happy to work with him, too.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Three months later...

"Agent Gibbs?"

Gibbs looked up from a very interesting email at Michelle Lee. She looked nervous...as was still depressingly common. He raised an eyebrow in silent question.

"I've been thinking about this for a long time...and I don't think I'm cut out for this. I want to request a transfer."

"Where to?"

"I was thinking I'd go back to Legal. I'm just not sure that I can handle everything that being a field agent entails...and I don't want to hold the rest of the team back because I'm not getting it."

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes. I'm sure. I don't want you to think that this is any kind of a slam on you. It's not!"

Gibbs chuckled.

"I don't."

"Good."

"You know...not all field positions are like my team. You might try a transfer to a different team."

Michelle smiled ruefully.

"So you don't mind my leaving?"

"Not if it's what you want, but only if it's really what you want."

"It is."

Gibbs looked at his monitor once more and an idea came to him.

"Can you hold out for three more months?"

She smiled. "I think I can handle that."

"Then, I'll start the paperwork."

"Thank you, Agent Gibbs. ...and thanks for taking a chance on me. I know you didn't really want me on your team, but you still let me be here. I really appreciate it."

"You're a good agent, Lee. Don't forget that."

Michelle colored a little but she smiled and started for her desk.

"And, Lee?"

"Yes, Agent Gibbs?"

"You ever need help, you can always come to me. We'll still be your team if you need us."

"Thanks," she said sincerely.

Gibbs started going through what he needed to do...and he started another set of forms as well.

This might just work out.