Chapter 37 – A Choice To Make
"You didn't answer my question."
I looked up at him and my words ran dry, I honestly didn't know what to say, he hugged me tighter still and sighed.
"If I were not here, if you had never met me or you had not had feelings for me, what would you be doing right now?"
This time I looked down at my hands that were stroking one of the buttons on his jacket.
"I thought as much, Calisa, if you wish to be somewhere else you shouldn't stay because of someone."
"I know, but it's not that simple."
"What then?"
"If I go with them I'll be an outlaw, I'd be going against the military, and I'd be going against you. I can't just go and be with the Indians; I go where Bailey goes, that much is clear to me. I can't do either thing because of my damned emotions, I can't go after them because I want to stay with you but I can't stay with you because I want to be with them." I balled my hands into fists on his chest and he let go of me, putting his hands over mine and waiting for me to look up.
"Would you believe that I understand perfectly how you feel?"
I looked up at him then and gave him a confused look.
"I want nothing more than to go after them, take the horses back and punish them. But not only have I come to respect that boy and his horse, I don't wish to drag back a horse I specifically ordered to be left alone. I also don't want to hurt you, but regardless I can't ignore my duty and let a group of young Indians take horses from the military. I sometimes wish they had never brought that horse to me, but then I would never have met you."
I dropped my gaze and leant back into him, relenting and letting him pull my fingers into his and holding my hands.
"I can't change who I am or how I feel Calisa."
"Neither can I."
"So what do we do now?"
"I don't know, could we not take the horses and leave Spirit and his family?"
"But then where would you go?"
"I don't know…"
"I want to be by your side for the rest of your life, to protect you and care for you and love you. But I will not let my selfish needs go before someone else's, you need to make this choice for yourself. If you want to stay with the herd, I will leave that colt where it belongs, but I cannot leave the Indians who took the horses and I cannot leave the other horses."
"Leave Bailey with his herd, let me come back to the fort and we will work things out from there." I swallowed hard, my heart torn into a million pieces, I didn't know what to do.
"If it gets too much, you can leave whenever you want you know that."
"I know that, let us go and catch the soldiers up."
"What of your friends?"
"What will you do to them?"
"My first thought is to kill them, but I can't do that with a clear conscience, not the boy at least. The only other thing we could do is seize their territory and make them relocate far away from here as punishment for their actions."
I nodded, I couldn't stop him from punishing them, it was the law and his duty, but at least he wouldn't kill them. I went to pull away from him to get on Jesse and he stopped me.
"The soldiers can wait." He said and pulled me closer, leaning down and kissing me.
I pushed my hands up into his hair and took his hat off as we kissed, he smiled and took it from my hand and placed it on my head.
"You look perfect." He laughed and kissed me again, I leant into him and let all my fears melt away as everything disappeared but me, him and the cool breeze.
We broke apart after what felt like forever and he took his hat back before mounting up onto Sampson, I vaulted onto Jesse's back and patted him, hoping he would forgive me for working him into the ground over this ordeal.
We trotted off to let the horse's muscles warm back up before urging them on again, now the soldiers and Indians were nowhere to be seen or heard so we followed the mass of hoof prints that ran along the dusty ground. They had been gone quite a while and it would take a long time to catch up on tired horses.
We stayed silent for most of the ride, neither one of us having anything to say that could make the situation better.