CHAPTER 38:
"Well, based on your smile,
I'm betting all of this
Might be over soon.
...
So please,
Take what's left of this heart and use.
Please use only what you really need,
You know I only have so little.
So please,
Mend your broken heart and leave.
...
I don't want to be your regret,
I'd rather be your cocoon."
Jack Johnson (Cocoon)
Lesley gave me a good talking-to when I finally arrived at work after detention. Even though she understood that the fight wasn't my fault and I was only an hour late, she thought she'd still lecture me about being a responsible adult. I nodded to everything she said whether I agreed with her or not because the consequences of Marcie's kick to my stomach were still being felt and I just wanted to get through the day.
The shift felt longer than usual since I had to perform all my tasks with a pain in my side, and Elliot didn't make it any easier when he kept making jokes about me being a deadly fighter. He'd take every statement I'd say, turn it into an order, and pretend to be too frightened of my 'fighting ability' to say anything but yes ma'am.
The work day was done and I'd planned to catch the night bus back home, when Elliot offered me a ride.
"I'll give you a lift but you can't hit me," he negotiated, putting on the face of an abused child.
"I'll kick your ass if you don't stop it!" I warned with a laugh.
He nudged my shoulder with his arm and teased an attack out of me, "Come on. Come on." I gave him a scowl and he lifted his hands into claws. "Come on. Come on," he teased, throwing his arms about like, well, a girl.
I let a smile creep out.
He laughed. "That's how you girls fight. It's ridiculous. You need to give punches, not slaps and hair-pulling. You'll never win a fight that way."
"I wasn't trying to fight," I explained, getting into his car.
He settled himself into the driver's seat. "But you see, once you're in a fight you have to survive. You do what you've got to do to defend your honour." Spoken like a true male, I thought.
"You're a guy. You worry about pride and honour and all that. I was worried about my face!" I stated.
Elliot put a finger to the left-side of my face that had scab lines across the cheek and neck where Marcie had scratched me. "She got you good."
"Does it look bad?" I asked, worried.
He stroked a thumb softly across my cheek, then replied, "You're still beautiful." I blushed and gave him a crooked smile.
As we pulled up to my house, I yearned for my warm bed. I yearned for comfort. I yearned for sleep.
I got out of the car and Elliot walked me to the porch as I thanked him for the lift.
"You're welcome. Anytime you need a ride, I'm always here for you."
I appreciated his offer. I loathed public transport. "Tomorrow night?"
"Sure," he nodded.
"Thanks, Elliot," I said, hugging him. Comfort. After a moment, I broke away from the hug and looked up at him to say, "I really appreciate it."
He smiled down at me and replied, "No problem." I smiled back at him with equal affection, and then he kissed my lips softly.
Part of me wanted to melt into him. He made life so easy to live. He was so easy to be around. He was so normal, so fun, so affectionate and (even though we had a bumpy start) so safe. I didn't have to worry when I was with him - some crazy girl wasn't going to come out of nowhere and attack me for talking to her boyfriend.
I kissed him back, parting my mouth and inviting his tongue inside. He held my face in his hands and accepted the invitation.
But then another part of me, the part that held on to last night's events reminded me that this was not Patch kissing me. This was not the first boy I ever loved, who still had my heart, who still crossed my mind every day even when I was with the boy that I was kissing right now. The feelings for Patch, the memories of Patch, the longing for Patch, the history with Patch would always be there, tapping at my brain.
I pulled away from Elliot's kiss, looking down, not sure of what to say. I was conflicted.
Having kissed Patch last night, and Elliot just now, I sort of felt guilty for letting the feelings for Patch override all the nonsense that's happened since he got back. It wasn't fair to Elliot who picked me up and put me back together again, who saved me from Patch that one night at Shaun's house and on another night when Patch's look-a-like jeep nearly ran me over. I felt greedy for having my bread buttered on both sides and not feeling guilty about it until a few moments ago. I felt I had to choose one side. There was no way that I could string Elliot along while I still had feelings for someone else.
Damn Patch for coming into my life, letting myself fall for him and then breaking my heart! If I wasn't so messed up over Patch, I would have chosen Elliot a hundred times over. But if Patch never came into my life, I would've never met Elliot.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
I looked up at him after a sigh, "I have a lot on my mind."
"I'm here if you want to talk."
I smiled. "I know. You're always here for me." The wind blew his blonde locks about and I took in his face. His blue eyes were glowing even in the darkness. Those blue eyes have been my beacon. "I appreciate it, but I just need some time to think."
He nodded as if he understood what I really had to think about. "I understand."
"You do?" I had to ask.
He held back a smile. "No." All I could do was laugh at his honesty. He explained, "But I know what people mean when they say they need time to think. You need some space. I'm cool with that."
I smiled at him, realising how understanding he was and how much I appreciated the fact that I didn't have to tell him what I needed to think about.
Then he said, "All I wanted was your smile. I didn't want you to hate me forever. I wanted to fix things with you. I think we're all right now." He smiled then took my hands. "So, Nora, I'm here for you in whatever capacity you need me, whether that be friends... or more... or nothing. As long as you never look at me with anything less than a smile."
I hugged him once more, much longer than before. It was an unspoken conversation of gratitude and goodbyes. And then he let me go.
I unlocked my front door, got to my bedroom and watched Elliot's car drive back down my driveway. I slipped off my shoes, unzipped my jeans and walked out of them. I turned off the light and pulled back the covers to sink into sleep.