Hello readers, before you get to the chapter a little announcement. I am changing the schedule a little bit and this story will now be updated on Tuesday's. I'm switching it's update day with Best Served Hot because that story is mostly raunchy smut and that is very hard to write at work. Knight in Shining Hoodie is not so hard to write at work. So the update for this story will be out on Tuesday.
Ch.36 This is so not Life at All
(CLARE)
"How do you feel?" Adam asks sitting on the bed near my feet.
He'd just arrived with Drew, Bianca and Eli. Eli sat next to Adam, Drew and Bianca sit next to Owen.
"Okay I guess, my side hurts and my stomach around the surgical incision. Mostly tired though," I reply trying to smile but it doesn't really work.
"Did the pain pills help at all or should I call the doctor?" Fitz asks.
"They helped a little, if it doesn't get better then you can call the doctor," I tell him.
"So what did the doctor say?" Owen asks.
Fitz looks at me and I bite my lip, I'm not ready to tell everyone that I'll probably never have children.
"We have to keep the incision dry and change her bandages every couple of days. The stitches will dissolve in about a month but she has to be careful how she moves so she doesn't pop a stitch. She's supposed to stay in bed for at least today and tomorrow and take it easy after that for a week or so." Fitz tells them.
"Fitz has to work so I told him we'd stay and take care of Clare while he's at work," Owen says.
"Yeah of course we will," Adam agrees and the others nod.
"What about your mom? When are you going to go home?" Eli questions.
"Not until the wedding probably, I won't be well enough until then and the bruises have to heal. I can barely walk as it is. She thinks I'm with Jay and then she thinks I'm going to my dad's. I can always tell her I'm with Jenna or something if she starts to get suspicious." I respond.
"What about Jenna and the others?" Adam inquires.
"I don't want them to know, or to see me like this. Tell them I'm on vacation with my father and I broke up with Jay. I'll tell them I'm with Fitz when I'm better." I tell them.
"We'll do it however you want no one else has to know." Owen assures me.
The room goes silent for a minute; a knock on the door breaks the silence and Drew gets up to answer the door. Emma, Spinner and Peter come in; Drew closes and locks the door again while the new arrivals put bags of food in the kitchen.
"We brought lunch for everybody," Peter tells us.
"I'm not hungry," I say quietly.
"Goddess you have to eat something, at least a little bit of bread, you need to keep up your strength." Fitz insists.
"Fine I'll have a little bread," I give in.
"If you do decide you're hungry we brought you some soup." Emma tells me.
Spinner brings me a small plate with a single roll on it. Fitz gives me a soft kiss before he gets up to get some food. The others get food before sitting down again. I pick at my roll and watch them eat until something occurs to me and I look at Emma.
"You didn't tell Mr. Simpson did you?" I ask Emma.
"No we haven't told anyone, we know you didn't want us to." Emma assures me.
"Good," I nod handing my half eaten roll to Owen so he can set the plate down.
He gives me an admonishing look for the tiny bit that I ate but he puts my plate in the kitchen.
"Clare is making me go back to work tomorrow but she won't be in for a couple of weeks." Fitz tells Peter when he's done eating.
"Already taken care of, I told Laura you had a family emergency and I wasn't sure when you'd be back." Peter replies and I smile at him.
"Jay's not going to be in the hospital forever what about when he's released?" Adam questions as people finish eating.
"If he gets near her again then we'll kill him again, more brutally this time" Owen states.
"I don't want to talk to about Jay," I tell everyone.
"You want to watch some TV?" Eli offers after a few minutes of silence and I shrug.
Eli puts on the TV but I'm not really watching I'm lost in my head. Eli and Adam can tell and they keep giving me worried looks. Fitz holds me close and kisses my temple when he sees that I'm really not watching TV.
"I love you Goddess," he whispers in my ear.
"I love you too," I whisper back and move a little so I can be in his arms even more.
With the little bit of sleep I got last night, the stress of everything and the way I'm feeling I start to get tired. Felling safe, nurtured and loved in Fitz's arms I soon fall asleep. I'm not sure how long I was out but when I woke up the apartment was a lot emptier.
"Hey Goddess, feel better now that you've slept?" Fitz asks kissing me softly.
"Yes, where is everybody?" I question.
"Emma and Spinner went to her parent's house to have dinner; they'll come back in the morning. So will Peter, he went to the Dot for a while. Drew and Bianca went to get us all dinner. Eli and Adam went to Adam's house, they're going to tell his parent's he's spending the night at Eli's but he'll sleep here so someone is here when I got to work in the morning. They're picking up clothes and stuff for him while they're there. Owen's still here though," Fitz tells me nodding to the other side of the bed.
"Hey how you feelin?" Owen speaks up when I look over.
"Okay, but I'm thirsty." I respond.
"I'll get you some water," Owen says standing up.
I start to sit up and then make a sharp whimpering noise when the movement hurts.
"You okay?" Fitz asks in a worried tone, his arms tightening around me.
"I'm okay Mark, just moving with cracked ribs hurts." I assure him and gently kiss his lips. He looks relieved and Owen comes back to the bed with a glass of water for me. "Can I have more pain pills? What time is it?" I ask.
"A little before five, you can have more pain pills but you've got to eat something first." Fitz says.
"Drew and Bianca will be back soon or we can heat up some of that soup that Emma and Spinner brought." Owen offers.
"Soup please," I reply.
Owen gets up and starts heating up some soup, Eli and Adam return first and then Drew and Bianca with dinner for the others. After eating half the soup and satisfying Fitz he gives me some pain pills. Owen goes home after dinner assuring me that he'll be over as soon as he's awake in the morning. Drew and Bianca are the next ones to leave but they say they'll be over tomorrow as well. Eli stays to watch a movie with us before leaving. After the movie Eli tells me he'll be back in the morning like everybody else.
"I want to take a bath I feel gross." I inform Fitz.
"Anything you want Goddess," Fitz replies.
"I'll start the water," Adam offers and goes into the washroom.
The water is only on for a minute because between the burns and the stitches there can't be much water. When Adam leaves the washroom and sits on the sofa Fitz picks me up and carries me into the washroom. I probably could have walked, the washroom is only a few feet from the bed but I've been lying in bed all day and I'm fairly stiff. Plus I think Fitz feels better carrying me. He closes the door and I let him undress me, then step into the bath. Adam made sure that the water was only lukewarm but it still feels good. Fitz takes a washcloth and starts washing me. I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest so he can wash my back. Wrapping my arms around my legs and resting my chin on my knees. When Fitz is done washing my back he kisses my shoulder blade but I stay with my arms around my knees.
"What's on your mind Goddess?" He asks brushing a curl behind my ear and I shake my head. "Goddess talk to me, is it Jay? The baby? Please tell me what's wrong." He pleads taking my hand from around my legs and interlacing our fingers.
I lean back against the tub and look at him with tears in my eyes and through the one eye that will open. "Everything I guess, I worry what Jay might try and do when he gets better. I have all these mixed up feelings about the baby and the little fact that I will probably never have children…." I say in practically a whisper but am unable to finish the thought.
Fitz brushes his fingers into my hair and rests his hand gently on the side of my face just below my black and swollen eye. "I already told you all that matters to me is that you're alive. I won't let Jay touch you ever again. Do you want to talk about losing the baby?" He asks.
"No, not yet," I shake my head.
"Okay let's get you out of the bath," Fitz says helping me stand.
I dry off with some help and put Fitz's shirt back on. I brush my teeth leaning heavily on the counter as my…well almost everything hurt then walk back to the bed myself and when I'm tucked in Fitz helps Adam set up the sofa for him to sleep. It isn't very late and I slept for three hours this afternoon so I'm not very tired yet. The boys get ready for bed and we watch TV, I fall asleep first safely encircled in Fitz's arms.
(ADAM)
I wake up when Fitz leaves for work and I hear the front door locking but fall asleep again after I see that Clare is contentedly asleep in the bed. I'm not asleep very long however waking up again when I hear Clare sobbing intensely. I get up and got to the bed, she's sitting up, her legs brought to her chest and her head resting on her knees.
"Clare what's wrong? Are you okay?" I question sitting next to her and putting my hand on her back
"It was just a bad dream go back to bed Adam." She insists in a whisper and between sobs.
"No I'm not going back to bed, tell me about the nightmare." I prod pulling at her shoulder to get her to lean back, because I'm sure that this current position can't be good for her ribs or her stitches or most of her bruises.
I prop up a pillow for her and she leans back, I sit next to her and wait for her to talk.
"I lost the baby," she says quietly.
"I know, I'm sorry Clare." I tell her putting my arm around her shoulders.
"I didn't want the baby, I didn't want to have Jay's baby. It wasn't even really a baby yet, it was hardly developed but all that blood that was…" Clare is saying but can't manage to finish her thought as starts crying again.
"Don't think about it Clare that blood was a lot of things and you almost died." I say quietly while hugging my friend.
I can't even begin to imagine what she's been through, what going through a miscarriage is like. Even if she didn't want the baby losing it and going through that loss has to be a horrible feeling and probably made all the worse knowing it was because Jay raped her, beat her and threw her down the stairs.
"I didn't want to be a mom, not yet and I didn't want to have Jay's baby but now I'll never have kids." She tells me and cries a little harder.
"You can't get pregnant again?" I ask as my heart sinks for my friend.
"The doctor said it would be a miracle if I ever got pregnant again. My uterus wall was ruptured with the miscarriage and all the beatings from Jay. If I do manage to get pregnant again I'll most likely miscarry. Another miscarriage could kill me and if I somehow manage to carry the baby to term giving birth would probably kill me. I didn't want a baby right now but now I'll never have kids or I'll miscarry and possibly die myself." Clare laments putting her head on my shoulder and I hug her. "I'm broken Adam, defective." She weeps.
"You're not broken Clare or defective. You're damaged right now but it will get better. There's adoption and surrogacy and by the time you and Fitz, or whoever you marry, are ready to have kids there will probably be other options and advances. What did Fitz say when you found out?" I question.
"Mark said it didn't matter to him, that all he cared about was that I was alive but what if he didn't mean it? What if he was just saying it to make me feel better or because he thought it's what I wanted to hear?" She asks wiping her tears.
"Clare we're talking about the guy who went as far as blackmail to get you to go on a date with him. The guy that survived juvie thinking about you and found god because of you, the guy that calls you Goddess and worships you. I'm pretty sure he meant what he said; Fitz loves you more than anything. Even I know that he'd die for you and kill for you and if Jay tries to touch you again he probably will kill for you." I assure her and she smiles a little. "I'm betting you're awake now so you want to watch TV or do you want something to eat?" I ask her.
"I'm not hungry; you can put on the TV though." She replies taking the covers off and moving like she's going to get up.
"Whoa where do you think you're going?" I inquire holding her arm.
"To get water and my meds," she responds.
"Stay in bed I'll get you water and your meds." I command.
She pulls the covers over herself again and I get up. I turn on the TV and hand her the remote. Then get her a glass of water and look at all the instructions for her medications before giving her the right pills. She finds Duke's of Hazard on TV and I get dressed before I join her on the bed to watch. A little after seven my phone rings and I run over to the sofa to get it.
"Hey Owen," I answer after seeing his name on the display.
"Hey I'm on my way over do you guys need anything?" He asks.
"Hang on I'll ask Clare," I tell him then cover the mouth piece and look at Clare. "Owen's on his way over do you need anything?"
"Some tea would be nice and I'm a little hungry now," she says.
"Clare wants tea and something to eat, something that will be easy on her stomach she's she hasn't eaten much." I tell Owen.
"No problem, I'll swing by the Dot and grab us all breakfast. See you in a bit," Owen says and hangs up.
"Owen's on his way with breakfast," I tell her.
She nods and we go back to watching Duke's of Hazard. Owen has a key so he lets himself in when he gets there. He has coffee for us and tea for Clare; he has a biscuit for her and a croissant in case she's still hungry after she eats the biscuit. He brought donuts for us a dozen of them, we won't be able to eat a whole dozen but Drew should be here in an hour or two when he gets up. Clare sips at her tea and picks at her biscuit; she looks sad and lost in her head again. I'm starting to worry, I've never seen her like this, I realize she's been through a lot but this is bordering on depression. Owen and I sit on either side of her and watch TV. When we hear a knock on the door a short time later Owen gets up to answer it. Drew and Bianca come in and sit on the bed. No one says anything they just sort of look at Clare and then watch TV. After a while Clare says she has to use the washroom and I get up so she can get out of bed. She walks slowly to the washroom and closes the door.
"She looks depressed," Drew says when she's in the washroom.
"She's been through a lot, she miscarried." Bianca kind of snaps at him.
"More than that guys the doctor told her it would be a miracle if she ever got pregnant again and if she does she'll probably miscarry and might die herself. Fitz told her it didn't matter but I'm worried that it's all too much for her. Jay, his abuse, the rapes, getting pregnant and then losing the baby, the fact that she'll never have kids again, she's depressed or she's slipping into depression, we have to do something." I tell them and then Clare comes out of the washroom and we all look at her.
"What?" She asks.
"We're just worried about you," I tell her standing up so she can get back in the bed.
"I'm okay," she insists getting comfortable in the bed again.
"No you're not Clare, you've been through a lot and you're hurting." I assert.
"We need to cheer you up or get your mind off it." Bianca says.
"I appreciate it guys but I'm not sure anything is going to cheer me up or get my mind off everything." Clare says.
"Well we have to try; I can tell you some really embarrassing stories about Drew." I offer.
"Hey!" Drew scolds hitting my arm.
"I have some good stories about Drew," Bianca smiles.
"Nobody is telling stories about me!" Drew grumbles crossing his arms and pouting like a child which makes Clare laugh.
"Ow laughing hurts!" She complains curling up a little.
"Ok no laughing, uh how about a game? Fitz must have a deck of cards or something." Owen suggests.
Owen finds a deck of cards just as Eli shoes up and we play poker until Spinner, Emma and Peter show up with lunch. Clare doesn't eat very much but her mood does perk up a little. She's happiest though when Fitz finally gets home, the second that he gets in the door she smiles and as soon as she's in his arms her face lightens and she looks so much happier. She's definitely in love, very very in love. All of us stay through dinner and then we leave, except for Owen who's staying over. I spend the whole night hoping that Clare will come out of all of this with even a portion of who she was.
(FITZ)
I was woken up by the feel of Clare sitting up out of my arms rapidly. She's sitting curled with her knees to her chest, panting hard and crying. Another nightmare, she has them every night. She was released from the hospital on Friday and it was now Monday morning, she'd been at my house all weekend. I'd had to work the last two day but I had today off and I wasn't leaving her side today for anything. I sat up putting my arms around her and stroking her hair. She turned just slightly to cry on my chest and grips my hand.
"What was it about this time?" I query because her nightmare's change nearly every night.
"I miscarried but I just kept bleeding and I died on the washroom floor." She tells me after a few minutes of hard crying.
"But you didn't, you're alive and you're my Goddess," I remind her. She nods against my chest and clings to me a minute, I look over at the clock on the cable box to see what time it is. "It's a little after six, do you want something to eat?" I ask her.
"No just some water," she says.
I reach over to the nightstand and grab the glass of water for her. "You don't have to stay in bed all day and I don't have to work so we should get you out for some exercise." I comment while she sips her water.
"That would be nice; I feel my muscles going stiff. I don't really want to go anywhere public though, I still can't open my left eye and I look terrible." She says.
"Okay we'll just walk around the apartment a million times and you look beautiful Goddess." I assert.
"I love you Mark but I know I don't look beautiful." She argues.
She still looks beautiful to me but I'm not going to convince her of that so I give up and kiss her softly. For a very long while we just lie in bed while I hold her, my arms around her and our fingers interlaced as she leans against me. Eventually I hear her stomach growl and I know she needs to eat.
"Why don't I make us pancakes for breakfast? Owen's probably up by now I can ask him to grab some whipped cream and berries from the store." I offer.
"That sounds great," she smiles. I smile back and text Owen, he says he'll swing by the store and be over soon. I start to get out of bed so I can get dressed and start on the pancake batter but Clare grabs my arm. "I love you Mark," she says softly and almost apologetically.
I brush her cheek, that isn't bruised, with the back of my fingers and cup her chin gently bringing her lips to mine for a soft loving kiss. She's been so sad lately, perhaps even depressed. I've been worried about her, we all have but we don't know how to fix it, to make her feel better. None of us have been through anything like what she has and the loss she experienced. Owen and Adam both told me she's happier when I'm around so I can only imagine how despondent she's been when I'm not. I pull away after a minute and get up, getting dressed before going to the kitchen. When I start making the pancakes she gets up and goes to the washroom then I hear the door unlocking and know that Owen's here.
"My parents are starting think I'm a morning person," he gripes closing and locking the door. "How's she doing this morning?" He asks setting a grocery bag on the counter.
"A little better, she wants to get some exercise today, she just doesn't want to leave the apartment. She doesn't want anyone to see her with her black eye or anything else." I tell him and then she comes out of the washroom.
"Yay Owen Bear's here!" She grins walking slowly to get to him but he walks faster and reaches her first.
"Hey you look better," he says giving her a gentle hug.
When she hugs him my shirt rides up on her a little and I can see her bare ass. She's worn nothing but one of my shirts since I brought her home from the hospital. She put on a clean one last night but if she's going to walk around, even just the apartment then she's going to have to put on something else. Not that Owen would do anything aside from look, cause let's face it he's a guy and a hot half naked girl will draw any guy's eye. Actually just about any half naked girl will draw a guy's eye. Still that's my half naked girl and I would prefer to be the one to see her. After hugging Owen she returns to the bed and I finish the pancakes with some help from Owen. Yesterday was the first day she really got her appetite back, eating more than some bread and tea. She eats two whole pancakes with berries and whipped cream and drinks some juice. When we're all done I get up and take everyone's dishes just as I start washing dishes her phone alerts her to a text message. We know it's not Bianca or any of them because they would have texted me or Owen. Owen gets up and grabs her phone from her purse to look at the text message in case it's Jay.
"It's her mom, she's telling Clare that Jay was mugged last night and is in the hospital. Guess he called your parents from the hospital and told them it happened last night." Owen says and then her phone beeps again. "It's your mom again; she wants you to come home from your dad's and go visit Jay at the hospital." Owen tells her.
Clare goes pale, tears come from her eyes, she starts shaking and breathing hard like she's hyperventilating! I drop the dish I was washing back in the sink and rush over to her. Owen sits on the bed putting his arm around her; I get the other side holding her close as she starts to shake her head.
"I can't see him again but what do I tell her? She thinks I'm with my dad, she could call him?" Clare says in a panicked voice, clinging to me and Owen.
"You won't see Jay; you are not leaving my apartment, not today." I assure her.
"I'll text your mom back from your phone and say you're with your dad on a trip. Then I'll call Drew and have them all come over now. Emma and Spinner will be here soon and Peter will be over after work. He's sticking around for a couple of weeks, he told me last night." Owen tells her in a calming voice and she nods.
"I want to take a bath," she says softly when Owen is texting her mom on her phone.
I help her out of bed and we go into the washroom, she takes my shirt off of her as soon as the door is closed and I turn on the water. I fill the tub a few inches with Luke warm water because she can't have any more than that. She steps in and l pick up a washcloth to wash her back, she takes my arm and looks at me, her expression is somewhere between sick and petrified.
"Hold me in the bath?" She requests in a shaky and small voice.
"Of course Goddess, anything you want." I tell her.
Standing up I get undressed and get in the bath with her, my arms and legs around her. She leans against me, takes my hands and starts crying. She's sobbing silently but crying so hard her body is shaking against my chest. Knowing that she's in so much pain and the only thing I can do is hold her kills me. I would give absolutely anything to take this pain away from her.
Don't forget the update will be out on Tuesday October 29th and will include a little Jay pov with some Helen and Clare getting better.