Title: Of Finding Innocence
Disclaimer: I have class at 9am. Andrew Marlowe doesn't.
Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU.
Chapter 38:
"So help me God, Elise, if you have more napkins for me to choose, I might have to hit you," Kate announced as she walked into the kitchen, where Elise and Martha had set up shop at the island. "Though I do mean that in the nicest possible way," she added, scooting into the office to put her badge and gun into the safe before she returned and plopped down next to the petite blonde woman, who gave her a warm smile.
"Hello to you too," Elise laughed. "Tough day?"
"Five suspects, no leads, and one group of cranky boys makes for a very tired detective," Kate admitted, folding her arms onto the table in front of her. "Hi, Martha."
"Hello, dear," Martha said, smiling at her. "Richard told me to tell you that he's taken Alexis out for the afternoon to get a new swimsuit."
Kate moaned and buried her head into the hollow of her arms. "I was supposed to do that with her yesterday, but they needed me in interrogation."
Martha chuckled while Elise rubbed her back consolingly. The woman was a miracle, and even though she griped about it, these sessions, ironing out details Elise had already listed out, itemized and considered, were mitigating the stress of wedding planning quite spectacularly.
"Alexis wasn't upset," Martha assured her. "She said this way, she'd get ice cream and new pool toys out of the deal, and you guys could watch a movie tonight."
Kate gave a small laugh. Yes, Rick was definitely the shopping parent; he couldn't say no to much. Though, after everything they'd been through in the last three weeks, through his recovery and Alexis' separation issues with them and with Meredith, a little spoiling certainly wasn't out of place. "Good," Kate said, lifting her head and sitting up, feeling a bit more put together after the moment of collapse. "So, what have we got?"
"Music, flowers and champagne," Elise grinned. "An easy one. Martha and I already went through the place settings and banquet decorations."
"Really?" Kate asked, trying to minimize the relief in her voice, and failing pretty dismally, judging by the laughter she received. "I'm sorry I'm not more into this," she admitted. "I just…I've never been a really girly girl, and this…"
"Takes a girly eye," Elise finished. "No judgment. You keep the guy in line; that's skill enough for me," she laughed.
Martha nodded. "And you make them happy. I, for one, love these types of things, and honestly, Kate, being included is more than I can ask for."
Kate stared at her soon to be mother-in-law, sitting there sipping a mimosa at 5pm. "I'm…thank you, Martha."
She smiled. "Meredith wanted nothing to do with me," she said, putting down her glass and adjusting her green jacket. "And the whole affair was big and bawdy, which suit her just fine, and Richard muddled along; but this wedding? This is his last wedding." Kate swallowed and bit her lip to keep from beaming or crying, though she wasn't quite sure which one was winning. "So thank you for including me," Martha finished.
"You're…you're welcome," Kate murmured, overcome. She didn't have her mother, and that was certainly part of why she hated doing the planning, but she did have Martha. And this woman had taken her in, helped plan her wedding, calmed her down, taken her out to stress lunches—she'd done everything Kate needed and more. "Really, I should be thanking you."
Martha blinked and they smiled at each other, both a bit overcome. Elise coughed a moment later and there was a beat before all three of them began to laugh. "Should I leave you two alone?" she joked, bumping Kate with her shoulder.
"Careful," she chided. "I could make you a bridesmaid, and you know, I haven't quite decided that I'm not being evil yet."
"Oh please," Elise scoffed, smirking. "Maddy and Lanie called me two weeks ago, and they've already gotten gorgeous dresses."
"What?" Kate spluttered, putting down the glass of water she'd noticed next to her. "What?"
Martha shook her head. "Those girls have lovely royal purple dresses all picked out. I think they were planning on surprising you with them."
"Oh," Kate said, baffled. Well, that was something off the list, right? She felt so overwhelmed and lost by all of the details she had let other people take over. "Great."
"Though, we never did rule out flower crowns," Elise shrugged. "So guess you could still be slightly evil."
"No flower crowns," Martha and Kate said together.
Elise grinned and crossed something off on the large notepad she always had with her. She had seventeen schedules and spreadsheets and note cards, a laptop and a palm pilot going at once, and Kate was always impressed. She was organized. Elise was a superpower.
"Now," Elise turned and Kate caught Martha grinning into her mimosa once again. "I know you guys decided on a Swing band, and I've got that all cued up. But you still haven't picked a song, and Paula made a good suggestion yesterday."
"Paula?" Kate asked skeptically. Nothing good ever came from that woman if the lead up was 'a very good idea.' "I thought we weren't doing any press."
"She thinks it might be best to have one photographer who will distribute a single shot, so that you can give that out, without having to make statements. And she figured that you wouldn't want to pose, so we thought we'd have him take it during your first dance, candidly."
Kate narrowed her eyes and looked between the two women. "What am I missing?"
"Nothing," Martha shrugged.
"So, you and Rick will need a song, and we thought maybe you'd like to pick something where you'll really cover the floor," Elise continued innocently. "I suggested dancing lessons, but Martha said that Rick doesn't need them. Can you confirm that for me? And do you need them?"
Kate felt her jaw drop. Oh no. There was no way they were taking dancing lessons. "I don't need lessons," she said indignantly. She was a great dancer; Rick said so, and so had every man she'd been with. "And I agree with Martha. Rick's great."
"Fine," Elise laughed. "You two should make sure you practice though; we wouldn't want your one wedding photo to be of you tripping over yourself."
Kate mock-glared at her and Martha chuckled into her drink. Elise was a cheeky Godsend, but, as she outlined the various choices they had for flowers, a task Kate had all but given up on a few weeks earlier, she couldn't have been more grateful that she had her help.
(…)
"You look exhausted," Rick observed as he plopped down beside her a few days later. Kate blinked over at him, her head resting on the back of the couch, her body sprawled out as she lay there, well and truly tired. "Bed?"
She shook her head. "No," she sighed, sitting up and turning to him, her heels on the floor by the couch. They'd eaten dinner and she'd managed to keep herself tuned in, but now, with the leather beneath her and a full stomach, she was fading fast. But it was only eight, and she didn't want to crawl into bed now; Alexis wasn't even in bed yet.
He smiled and leaned down to find her lips, a move he'd been very happy to perform over and over since he'd been given the all clear from the doctor that morning. She arched her back and raised a hand to cup the back of his neck while he moved over her, trapping her into the corner of the couch. She smiled against his lips as he held himself up above her.
"What?" he asked, his voice gruff while he rested his forehead against hers.
"You can lean over me. It's nice," she said softly, carelessly, like it wasn't something they'd been waiting on for over a month.
"I can do more that that," he growled, reaching behind her to splay his hand out over her back, pulling her up into him so that they were chest to chest, his opposite hand supporting his weight along the arm of the couch.
"Kid, awake, upstairs," she mumbled between kisses as his lips trailed over her face, lips, neck and ears.
He sighed against her neck and dropped his head to rest on her shoulder, laughing quietly. "Later?" he mumbled, pressing an open kiss to her throat.
"Later," she agreed. She was still tired, and sore, and run down from the suspect chasing and wedding planning and general task of being alive and busy, but damn if she wasn't going to finally, finally celebrate their engagement. It wasn't as though they'd been celibate for a month and a half. They'd managed as much as was humanly possible, and frequently, but they hadn't been able to fully consummate their new relationship, and now, with him hovering above her, warm, solid, well and handsome, even her own self control was waning.
Before she could let herself succumb to that ridiculous sense of carnal want, he reached out behind her, found the remote, and clicked on the stereo system. Frank Sinatra floated around them, filling the slightly messy room with soft jazz and his smooth, silky voice. Kate groaned happily and then in protest as Rick backed away and stood up. She stared up at him and smiled as he extended a hand to her. She took it and let him pull her from the couch and into his arms.
They shuffled their way between the couch and coffee table until they were standing on the open rug over by the bookshelves. The plush carpet felt heavenly under her feet and she relaxed against Rick's shoulder as he pulled her into his arms and they began to sway to the soft sounds of "I've Got You Under My Skin." He twirled them slowly around the room, his cheek resting on the crown of her head.
"You know, Elise is worried that we'll fall over during out first dance," she said softly when the song turned over and "What a Wonderful World," filled the room.
Rick scoffed and then quickly spun her out and back. She nearly did stumble, but his strong arms caught her and she smiled up at him. "I don't think it'll be a problem," he chuckled. "Unless I'm too busy trying not to die from the sight of you in that dress."
Kate felt her cheeks heat up, because no matter how long they'd been together, his compliments still warmed her heart and sent that little girlish rush throughout her body. "I hope you haven't been peeking at that dress, Mr. Castle."
"No way," he grinned, bending down to find her lips for a moment. "I want to be thoroughly blown over."
"Good," she replied, kissing him one more time before she nuzzled her face into his neck and breathed him in as they continued to move around their living room.
Ten minutes later, she glanced up and found Alexis sitting on the arm of the couch, watching them. She met the girl's eyes and smiled at her. Alexis smiled back and then bit her lip.
"What's up, munchkin?" Kate asked, rubbing Rick's neck to snap him out of the little trance they'd both fallen into. He turned them so they could see their daughter and Alexis watched as they continued to sway.
She stood slowly, her little nightgown falling to the floor and swishing by her feet as she walked over to them. "Can you teach me how to dance?" she asked shyly, looking up at them.
Kate smiled and squeezed Rick's neck and hand before stepping back. "Of course. Here, you can have my partner."
She watched as Alexis walked up to her father and held her hands out for him. He smiled and then hoisted her up onto his feet so that he could take her hand in a traditional grip, though his right hand ended up on her upper back, instead of her waist.
"Okay, so we just sort of sway, like this," he instructed, moving his feet slowly to the music. Kate was impressed; Alexis was not light anymore, and Rick didn't even seem to notice the added weight on his feet as he twirled them around.
She followed their progress around the room, listening as Alexis giggled when Rick dislodged her so that he could spin her out and back like he'd done with Kate a few minutes earlier. She flashed forward to the day of their wedding, when she hoped they'd dance just like this, Alexis and Rick to one side as she danced with her own father. She could remember standing on his toes in their living room while her mother laughed, just like Kate did now as Rick hunched over so Alexis could move her arm over his head.
She felt a quiet pang of sadness for that picture of their wedding day—a picture her mother would never enjoy. But then she was broken out of it as Rick swept Alexis up bridal style and spun them around to the sound of her delighted shrieks. She chuckled softly and glanced around, finding Martha's camera sitting on the low table by the window. She snatched it up and managed to snap a few photos of them twirling, and then one of Alexis leaning into her father as he pulled her back up onto his toes.
The excitement had riled her up, but after a few more minutes of gentle swaying, the little girl inside the 'grown up' eight-year-old emerged and Alexis sagged, pillowing her head on Rick's stomach.
"Looks like this dancing princess is ready for bed," Rick laughed, jostling his daughter to keep her from falling asleep standing up. "Time for sleep," he told her as she blinked up at him.
"Okay," Alexis yawned, exhausted from a day of playing with Paige.
Kate followed them upstairs and leaned against the doorjamb as Alexis clambered into bed and Rick covered her up. He bent and they whispered together for a moment, before he kissed her forehead and stood up, flicking off the lights. Kate took that as her cue and walked into the messy room, filled with used toys and discarded outfits—a product of summer. She leaned down and pressed her own kiss to the top of Alexis' head and whispered, "Sweet dreams." The little girl squeezed her hand and then rolled away, snuggling down into her blankets.
Kate stared at her for a minute and then followed her fiancé out of the room, closing the door gently behind her. They stood in the dim hallway together and she smiled as he reached out and cupped her cheek, gliding his thumb across her skin. She leaned into his hand and took a step closer so that she could rest against him, taking pleasure in finally being able to sag against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and they stood there, breathing together.
"Wanna take a bath?" he asked quietly a few minutes later, his breath a warm rush over her forehead.
She shook her head and pulled back so that she could brush her lips over his, standing on the tips of her toes and trusting him to keep her balance for her. "I had more active things in mind," she whispered against his lips.
She watched his eyes darken and then the kiss wasn't quite so sweet. They shuffled backward and clumsily made their way down the stairs, pausing against the railing to let fingers flit over skin and lips bite and nip at each other. By the time they reached their bedroom, his shirt was open and hers was lying somewhere in the office. His fingers worked to unclasp her brassiere while she pushed his shirt from his shoulders as they hovered in the doorway to the bedroom.
Once they were topless, he hauled her into his chest and fused his mouth to hers again, squeezing her against him. She luxuriated in the feeling of having him wrapped around her as she trailed her fingers across his back.
"I've missed this," he sighed into her ear as he broke away and laved at the skin just below her lobe. "You wrapped around me."
"Me too," she gasped as his fingers worked their way down to find the button on her work slacks. She helped him shimmy her out of them and then moved to return the favor, but found her hands caught up in his. He took a step back so that there were a few inches of space between them, and then he raised her hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to her finger, just below her engagement ring.
"We're getting married," he said softly, meeting her eyes with the most elated, glowing smile.
She grinned and nodded, her words caught in her throat as she stared at him, feeling loved and weightless and happy—happy they were getting married, happy he was healthy, happy she was here, with him, forever. As if sensing her inability to find the meaningful words she wanted, he tugged on her hands and brought her back to his chest, finding her mouth with his. And then there were no words, outside of their sighs of pleasure and those three words they said too much and not enough.
As she fell asleep two hours later, with him pressed flush against her back and his arm wrapped possessively around her stomach, she felt him toying with her ring. She squeezed his hand and drifted off, looking expectantly toward the future and reveling in the fact that the accident and everything it had brought with it was now fully, finally behind them.
(…)
"You are glowing," Madison observed as they sat down at a little café a few blocks over from the Precinct. "I mean really glowing."
Kate just smiled and opened her menu. "I had a nice night."
"I'll say," Maddy giggled. "Should I be getting you coffee or a cigarette?"
Kate glanced up and found her friend smiling at her, looking pleased and a little amused. Did she look that happy? She'd always thought she did a pretty good job of hiding the 'I just got laid,' look. Apparently she didn't. "Coffee will be just fine," Kate said, rolling her eyes. "And is it that obvious?"
Madison sighed. "Kate, you always look happy these days, but honey? Today? You look like someone slapped you with the pregnant stick."
"Shut up," Kate groaned. Anything but that—she wasn't ready to even touch that thought yet.
Madison laughed. "Okay, maybe not the pregnant stick, but you do have a whole lot of sated happiness going on."
Rick would appreciate that phrasing. "Fine, yes, we did," she admitted, trying valiantly not to grin as she said it. But damn, it had been good and far too long a drought beforehand.
"Good?" Maddy asked, before the waiter interrupted them.
They ordered two salads and a plate of fries, along with large iced coffees. Kate was starving, and planned to eat most of the fries, since Maddy usually just had four and proclaimed herself 'full.' She'd woken up early enough to eat a decent breakfast, but had gotten sidetracked. No, sidetracked was too kind; she'd been thoroughly and multiply distracted, and had barely gotten out of the house on time, let alone fed. She wouldn't trade it for anything though.
"So, was it good?" Madison repeated, propping her head up on her hands and looking at Kate expectantly.
"Madison," she groused. She always tried to keep this stuff private, but Maddy had an irritating knack for getting her to talk.
"Oh, come on. If you look like that, I deserve at least minor details."
Kate bit her lip and considered her friend for a moment, before her 24-year-old self got the best of her and she leaned forward. "It was amazing," she said quietly. "And just really, really hot and…I don't know; it was special, I guess."
Madison smiled. "Because it's been such a long time?"
"That, yeah," Kate nodded. "But it was also, you know, the first time since we got engaged and…" she trailed off with a wave of her hand, unable to find a way to explain how meaningful it had been, on top of mind blowing.
She met Maddy's eyes and blushed. "I am so glad you found him, Katie," Madison told her. "He's really, really good for you."
"Yeah," Kate agreed. "He really is."
Their food came a few minutes later and Madison swept her up in stories from work and a few outings with Brad, helping Kate come back from the memories of the previous night and earlier that morning. She was sufficiently distracted by the time they were sharing a piece of cheesecake and found herself brought up short when Madison asked about the Hamptons.
"You guys are still going, right?"
Kate nodded, feeling a little bit of melancholy seep into the overwhelming happy bubble she'd been prancing around in all morning. "I'm going up with them this weekend, and then they're going to stay for a few weeks so Rick can write and Alexis can get some sun."
"And you'll be here?"
Kate sighed. "Yeah." It wasn't that she didn't like her job; she loved her job. She would survive a few weeks without them here at home. But she was so used to having them there to come home to, and it felt like eons ago that she'd come home to an empty apartment. "But it's just for a few weeks," she said, convincing herself just as much as telling Maddy.
"Can you go visit them?" Maddy asked, nudging the last piece of cheesecake toward her in solidarity.
"If I have time," Kate nodded. "But that's…I haven't made any promises."
"Probably for the best."
"Yeah," Kate agreed. "But, you know, what's three weeks, really? Though, Alexis is going away with Paige's family for a week after that, so it'll really be four for her. But then it's school time again, and the wedding and…" she trailed off, biting her lip.
"Busy," Madison murmured.
"Very." Kate ran a hand through her hair. "But Elise says the arrangements are almost done, so it's really just getting ready, I guess."
"You doing okay with that?" Maddy asked softly. "Without…you know."
Kate gave her a sad smile. "Yeah. It sucks but Rick's been great about it and I…I'm trying to make new memories instead of focusing on…it's not the same, but…" she felt like she wasn't making sense.
She missed her mother all the time, but Rick was helping, and Alexis was always around. Then again, they would be gone for three weeks and Kate was oddly worried about that. She hadn't been alone with her thoughts for nearly a year. Even when they weren't dating, she saw them a few times a week. And now, there would be nothing—just phone calls.
"You'll be okay," Maddy assured her, reading the distress on her face. "And we'll be here, and he's just a call away."
Kate nodded, feeling a little foolish. But that darkness and grief had been more present for the past few weeks, and she couldn't work herself into not being frightened of it. She'd worked so hard to push it all away—to heal from it. But she knew that it was there. She glanced at Maddy and shook her head. She was fine; she'd be fine. She was being ridiculous, and it was almost time to go back to work. Three weeks wasn't long at all, and then pretty soon after that, she'd be married. She was getting married, to the most wonderful man, and getting an amazing kid out of the deal. That thought helped her leave the doubt behind and she and Maddy giggled their way back out onto the street. Three weeks was nothing when compared to forever.
(…)
"I wish you could stay," Alexis said quietly as they lounged side by side on the deck by the pool, one in a pink bikini with a ruffled skirt, and the other in a black bikini that left enough to the imagination, but not so much that the man swimming in the pool didn't stop periodically to rake his eyes over her prone figure.
"I wish I could too, sweetie," Kate replied, looking over at her. "But I might be able to come back next weekend, and you know, three weeks isn't that long."
"Four," Alexis mumbled. "But…yeah," she sighed and found a smile. "Will you call just like last summer?"
"I'll call every day," Kate promised, reaching out to brush a hair off of the girl's face. "And your Dad will keep you plenty busy."
Alexis laughed. "He's been talking about hiking and kayaking and boogie boarding all the time."
"I know," Kate smiled back. Rick had been ridiculously excited for the weeks at the Hamptons house, largely because he'd been going crazy trapped and cooped up in the city. He'd taken to doing some very random things, like rock climbing at the gym, now that his ribs had healed. The physical therapist encouraged it, and the massages Kate got to give him weren't unpleasant either; neither was what always followed the massages.
"What are you thinking about?" Rick asked, his shadow falling over her as she realized she'd zoned out, thinking about exactly what they'd done in the big bed in the master bedroom the night before.
Alexis had closed her eyes and leaned back on her lounge, tanning with more expertise than she'd shown the summer before. "Nothing," Kate denied, winking at him.
He grinned at her and then sat down at her hip. Kate squeaked as his cold, wet body made contact with hers as he leaned over her to press a few cool kisses to her cheeks.
"Rick," she protested, trying to squirm away. "Alexis, help!" she laughed as he began to tickle her.
Alexis popped and eye open and grinned, watching as her father tickled Kate into a tizzy of laughter. "Mommy, you can take him," Alexis offered.
Well of course she could. Kate scowled over at her daughter. "Not…not without…hur…hurting…him," she managed between gales of laughter. "Rick!"
"I don't see you taking me," he replied easily. Then he was gone and she was left panting on the bench for a moment in which she stupidly forgot herself. When his arms lifted her off of the lounge, she shrieked and glared at Alexis.
"Richard Castle," she threatened while Alexis just laughed. Rick began walking toward the pool. She could fight back, but a little part of her brain reminded her that he was only just recovered, and making them fall onto the concrete edge of the pool could be more devastating that effective. "I swear, if you…"
She gagged around a mouthful of water as he plunged them both into the pool. She managed to squirm away from him and break the surface, spluttering and coughing as she swam over to the edge and hung on. Alexis was laughing above them and Kate looked up at her under the dripping edges of her now-messy hair.
"Careful, or I'll drag you in too," she threatened, unable to keep the scowl on her face as Rick's body melded against her back, his arms coming to rest around hers on the edge of the pool. "And you should be careful," she told him. "I could do serious damage right now."
"You wouldn't want to injure me, Kate," he said as he wound his legs through hers where they floated beneath the water. "Then who would entertain Alexis?"
"You play a dirty game, Richard," she mumbled as Alexis plopped down to sit in front of them.
"You could have gotten away," she told Kate. "You're a cop!"
"I didn't want to hurt your old man," Kate told her, laughing as Rick grumbled behind her. "Your very strong, handsome old man," she amended as Alexis giggled. Rick gave a triumphant "Hah!" and bent his head to kiss her shoulder.
"Come on. I had to have a little fun before we send you off," he said, smiling up at his daughter even as she felt his fingers wind through hers. None of them were happy that she had to leave in a few hours.
"Expect pay back when you guys come home," she said after a moment.
"Something to look forward to," Rick agreed.
His fingers twisted her ring around and she listened as Alexis and Rick discussed their plans for the next day, happily staying put, the daughter above them on the ground and the fiancé wrapped around her body, warm against her back in the cool water of the pool. The sun beamed down on them, casting sparkling patterns across the water and Kate relaxed against him in the water, happy to take the last few hours with her family before heading back to the city alone.
(…)
"Don't be a body," she moaned, rolling over and swiping for her phone on the bedside table. "Don't. Please God, don't be a body," she whimpered, finally closing her fingers around the device and pulling it to her face. "Beckett," she managed.
"Detective, we've got a body on pier 25, next to the mini-golf course," dispatch informed her.
Kate bit back a groan and forced herself to sit up. "Alright. Thank you," she said gruffly.
The line clicked off and she blinked around the room. The clock on the nightstand told her that it was just past five. She shivered as the heavy comforter fell from her shoulders. She'd taken to sleeping with the air conditioning on full blast so she could have the blankets up; it wasn't the same as having Rick wrapped around her, but the added weight helped her sink into the restless sleep she'd been able to find. Of course now, with a fresh body before the sun was fully up, that sleep would have to wait.
Slowly, she climbed out of bed and stretched, trying to ignore her sore muscles and the way she ached as she shuffled into the bathroom and fumbled her way through her morning routine. They'd had back-to-back cases for two weeks. She hadn't been able to make it up to the Hamptons, and the last three phone calls she'd had with Alexis had been interrupted by bodies, or evidence, or interrogation. She'd fallen asleep on Rick twice, and overall, she was cranky and tired.
The bed was large and uninviting without him, and the apartment was silent—so quiet that she'd taken to keeping music on, something she could never remembered doing before she'd lived with them. She was irritated that she didn't seem to be able to live comfortably without them, since she'd lived alone for nearly three years before she'd met them. Then again, they were everywhere—in the clothes in the living room, in the pictures, in the kitchen. It wasn't quite like living alone. Instead it was living without them, and with a week like she'd had, that was harder than expected.
Twenty minutes later she was driving out to the docks, hoping that this was just a weirdly placed pop-and-drop and she'd get off early, able to call her family, take a nice bath, and sleep for fifteen hours. The body she found said otherwise.
"Beth James, 42," Esposito said quietly as Kate stared down the lifeless woman sprawled out on the edge of the dock. She wore a tailored blue suit that was now stained black with blood that pooled out below her prone, splayed body. She was sheet white and her eyes were closed, long brown lashes lying against her pale skin, framed by dark brown hair. It was like looking at a mirror image of her mother, simply in different clothes.
"Cause of death?" she asked around a lump in her throat that was beginning to make even breathing difficult.
"Stabbed," Lanie supplied as they heard car doors slam up by the street. When had Lanie gotten there? Had she been there the entire time?
She was supposed to be looking at the scene, at the grimy dock, at the water below the body, at the mini golf park; she was supposed to be looking for evidence of attack. Instead, she could only stare down at this woman—this woman who looked so much like her mother—who had been stabbed just like her mother.
"You okay, Boss?" Esposito asked, breaking her out of it.
She nodded briefly and then forced herself to look up from the body. She turned as her team arrived and then let them carry her into their hustle. She kept herself on autopilot, answering questions and scanning the scene like it was any other, normal body. On the surface, of both her face and mind, she could keep it together. Whatever was brewing below would have to wait. This was her job.
It waited. It waited while they cleared the scene. It waited while they researched Beth James, a social services worker who had recently helped relocate a family of children, taking them from their drug addicted, abusive parents. It waited while they contacted her only living relative: her daughter.
It waited while Kate comforted the daughter. It roiled against her chest as the young woman, not much younger than Kate had been, cried and screamed and raged. It beat unevenly against her heart as she made a feeble promise to catch the person responsible. It tried to overcome her as Kate fought to keep moving throughout the day. But she was stronger than the desire to breakdown. This wasn't a panic attack or frustration with wedding details. This was her job, and she was damn good at it. And if she told herself that enough, she'd win.
She worked into the night, long after everyone had gone home, searching through photos and names of other social workers, other cases, other anything—something, anything, the tiniest reason, the tiniest piece of sense to make everything come together. She found nothing. She had nothing. There was a young woman counting on her to find her mother's killer, and she couldn't let her down. She couldn't crush her like that, and leave her to a lifetime of wondering. She couldn't leave her to a life of regrets and memories and holes that ate at her. She couldn't do that. She couldn't subject another person to that.
(…)
"Kate," Rick sighed, his voice tight and controlled.
She rubbed a hand over her forehead and clenched a fist around her pen. She wanted to be at the Precinct, but Montgomery had sent her home and told her she couldn't come back for three days. But she had a case to solve. She had to solve it. It had been a week of nothing. Jacobs had called it 'cold.' But it wasn't. It wasn't cold; it was close to warm. She knew it. If she could just find that little sliver sitting beyond her reach, she could do this. She could.
She fidgeted and papers rustled over the desk, unsettled by her movement. She could barely see his desk anymore, and bit her lip, waiting. "Are you still working?" Rick asked. The detective skills that should have heard the warning in his voice didn't sound. She was well and truly lost to everything but the papers around her. "You said you'd call."
"I…" Shit. What time was it? She glanced at the clock and slammed a hand down on the desk. It was ten already? Damnit. She'd missed Alexis' bedtime again. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.
"No," Rick replied. That caught her. "No. Sorry doesn't cut it," he intoned, his voice low and dangerous, with a quality she barely even recognized. "I've got a little kid wondering why Mommy hasn't called, and you know, I'm starting to wonder the same thing. That same woman was supposed to be here yesterday, and bailed, again."
"I have a case," Kate argued. "I have to solve this, Rick. I'm sorry I can't be there. I am. But I have to do this."
"You haven't called in days, and the one time you did, you left Alexis hanging mid-word," he continued. Something tingled beyond her senses. Somewhere in her mind, she could remember that conversation, and a feeling of guilt for ending it. But that had been buried, just like everything else had for a solid week, when she'd missed the last weekend, when she'd missed phone calls, when she'd forgotten to open pictures in her email. "I'm…"
"Don't say you're sorry," he growled. "Say you'll be in the Hamptons tomorrow."
"I can't," she protested, looking around the office. The murder board she'd set up over the windows stared back at her, taunting her. That picture of her mo—that picture of the woman begged her for closure, for help, for the blessing to move onward in life. "I have to…"
"Solve this," he finished for her. She blinked. That sound had come from close by.
She looked up and found herself staring at Rick. When had he come in? How hadn't she heard the door? What the hell? "Why…why are you here? I…" she stammered staring up at him. He clicked his phone off and pocketed it before taking off his jacket and throwing it onto one of the leather chairs, upsetting a stack of papers. They cascaded to the floor and Kate watched, her own phone still plastered to her ear.
"So when you said you had to work," Rick began, his face devoid of the smile she'd remembered, and the glint in his eye menacing instead of playful. "You meant here. Because, you know, funny thing—I got a call from Roy earlier." Shit. "And he said he'd given you the weekend off. Said you'd been working two cases and needed the breather. He did the same for Hall too, since his family's on vacation, and he figured the two of you might like to spend some time with your families."
"I…"
"But here you are, home, working." He glanced into the bedroom, seeing the bed she hadn't touched in two days. "Have you even slept at all? Or eaten? Damnit, Kate."
She didn't know what to make of him. Roy had called him? The last time Roy had called someone about her had been…had been Royce. The tingling became stronger and thoughts began to break through. She'd hung up on Alexis. She'd canceled on Rick. She'd made excuse after excuse to chase after something she hadn't found, assuring herself that the answer was just one more step around the corner.
"I get that you're a cop," Rick said, breaking her out of the rushing thoughts that were starting to pour in, crowding her senses. "I get that. I love that about you."
"I…"
"You let Alexis down," he said clearly. And didn't that just stab her in the gut a little. "You hurt her. You promised to call, and you didn't. You promised to come up, and you didn't."
The stab twisted and Kate took a shaking breath, standing up so that she could face him. "I didn't mean to," she defended. And now, like everything else, even her defenses sounded feeble and flimsy. She knew this scene. She remembered this. She'd done this with Royce, in her old living room, with papers tossed everywhere just like this. They'd yelled about this and he'd walked out, and she'd collapsed. And she knew the look Rick was giving her, because Royce had given her the same one, only Rick's was worse. Because behind his own anger, was his paternal fury, and she'd done that. She'd caused that.
"After all the work we did to put her back together—work you did—you finish it off by abandoning her."
"I didn't abando…"
"What do you call it then? Because I have to go back to the Hamptons, bring her home, and put her in a car tomorrow to go with Paige's family, and she hasn't even seen you in three weeks," he snarled. "I really thought you were going to give this everything you had."
That was unfair. She'd screwed up. She'd stepped in it and hurt her kid, but that was completely unfair. "I…"
He just wouldn't let her talk. "No!" he ran agitated hands through his already messy hair. "No, you didn't, Kate. You've been here, too trapped in this murder to pay any attention to her. And she's cried, and wondered, and yelled, and you haven't been there."
"She yelled," Kate whispered to herself, staring at him. "I…"
"We're getting married in a month," he snarled. "And this is when you choose to step away? Why would you let us get this close, Kate?"
"What?" No. No, this wasn't happening.
"Why would you build her up just to break everything? Why would you do that to her? Why would you do that to me?" he was pacing now, stepping on pages of notebook paper she'd scrawled through and torn out. "How could you do this now?"
"I…I had to solve a case," she said plaintively. "I was doing my job." Fear mixed with guilt mixed with panic; she'd messed up, but she could barely remember doing it. The proof was all around her, in the obsession she'd caved to and cleaved to, and hidden inside, leaving her family behind. "You knew…knew this could happen," she petered off.
But it didn't happen to normal cops. And it didn't happen to normal people. "Not like this," Rick bit out. "You're not supposed to just fall off the face of the earth when you have a family."
"I…I'm sorry," she whispered. How did you fix this? With Royce, she'd just gone to therapy, and he'd said 'okay.' But she didn't need therapy this time. She'd let herself do this. She could pinpoint that moment on the docks when she'd chosen to hide instead of admit to it, or do the responsible thing and switch off with another detective. She'd wanted this. She thought maybe if she could fix it for Samantha, somehow, getting married wouldn't hurt so much. Somehow, she'd have fixed herself. But she hadn't. Instead she'd broken something and now she didn't have the glue or tape to put it back together. "I'm sorry," she repeated, louder.
The look he sent her told her it didn't matter. "We'll be back tomorrow and then Alexis goes to the Grand Canyon with Paige's family."
"I know," Kate said quietly.
"Oh, you remember?" he exclaimed with false enthusiasm. "Great! That'll help when you see Alexis for the first time in almost a month."
"Rick," she murmured.
"I don't want to hear it," he said heavily. "I don't care that you've barely talked to me in two weeks. I get it. You're working." It hardly sounded like he didn't care. Her bed was cold without him, and his without her, and this was all her fault. "But you can't just not call my kid."
My. My kid. Kate slumped against the lip of the bureau behind her, feeling the keys of his typewriter against her back. She brought a hand up to swipe at the lone tear that had fallen. She was breaking. Three weeks later, she was breaking. But what did it matter if she'd already broken everything else? "I'm sorry," she whispered again.
He took a moment to look at her, and for a second, she thought she saw the man that had cradled her when she'd broken down about her mother all those weeks ago. She didn't know angry Richard Castle. But he didn't know about her victim, or the case; she hadn't told him. And another layer formed in the complex mess she'd created for herself, because she'd hidden everything, from everyone. Maddy and Lanie had called her. Esposito had asked after her. But she'd pushed everyone away. And maybe if she'd just called him that first night and cried…but she hadn't.
"I have to go," he said. She gazed at him. His tone was sad now, instead of angry. She wanted to go to him and hug him and weep against his neck, with as many apologies as she could possibly say, but she couldn't move. "We'll be here tomorrow."
For what? For a goodbye to Alexis? For a goodbye forever? She shifted the ring on her finger almost without thought and watched as his eyes flitted to it, sparkling in the low light from the desk lamp—the only light in the cluttered room. "Rick, I…"
He held up a hand. "You better have a damn good reason to give her tomorrow," he sighed, shifting on his feet.
She swallowed. She would. She'd have to. She had to fix this, if she could. God, she hoped she could. She just had to. "Will…will you be staying, tomorrow?" she asked quietly, needing to know. They were supposed to get married in a month. Oh, hell, how had she forgotten about everything?
He met her eyes and she felt her heart clench. "I don't know," he replied. Another tear trailed down her cheek and she didn't even bother to wipe it away. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He turned to leave and she watched as he walked away. Walking away—he was walking away from her. God, no. Her feet unglued and then she hurtled after him, skidding to a halt just as he reached for the door. He turned and they stared at each other, separated by mere feet, for the first time in a month.
"I didn't mean to," she said, the thought tumbling from her lips before she could stop it. Could she offer him something less meaningful? Probably not. When his jaw tightened she knew she'd made a mistake—another mistake. "I never told you about those years," she said. A raised eyebrow was his only reaction. "I never explained about…" she sighed. She couldn't make sense of it now.
"I need to be back so I can sleep enough to drive back here," he told her, his voice toneless and emotionless.
She nodded. She couldn't do this tonight, not when her mouth was running away. "I need to talk to you, but I can't tonight," she said, wincing as the final words fell. Shit. She needed to do better than that. What could she say? She needed…
"Yeah, I'm used to that," he bit out. Then he left. The slam of the door was bombastic against the silence of the apartment, and she stared at it, horrified.
It took her four minutes to break. It was enough time to walk to the door of the office, stare at the disaster of papers she'd amassed, and spot his jacket on the chair. And then she collapsed, sinking to the floor with her back to the doorjamb, legs pulled up to her chest and face buried in her palms.
Great heaving sobs wracked her body and she let her thoughts scatter like the papers on the rug beside her. She'd let herself fall back—taken an opportunity for misplaced justice and ran with it like a child with scissors. She'd forgotten everything, from feeding herself to sleep, and given this one single thing everything she had. Everyone around her had walked on eggshells, now that she remembered. She could remember their stares and offers of help, and she could watch herself pushing them all away, sinking down into the comfortable blackness of obsession and need.
And now she could remember every call, every email, every text she didn't answer. She could remember telling Rick she was working, and hanging up on Alexis. She could remember the broken quality of her daughter's voice. Was she still her daughter? That thought brought on a fit of sobs so strong that she felt like she would choke before she took in any air. She couldn't lose Alexis. She couldn't let that happen.
And Rick—Rick wasn't sure he'd stay. How had she ruined everything? How had she let this happen? And how the hell was she supposed to fix it?
Author's note: The dancing scene is for Sacha.
Was this hard to read? It was hard to write. But it's something I've been planning for a long time. I'm very interested to know what you think, because I know the last portion of the chapter is darker than anything before it has been. But that is part of life; there darkness to every light.
Rick seems aggressive and angry, and I promise to explain that next chapter. We don't get to see his side, because we follow Kate, and so I feel like his reaction may seem off. It won't forever. There was a temptation to keep them conflict free from here out, but I felt that this is actually an argument they need to have, especially before committing for life.
I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think, because I found this challenging.
Emma