Hey Readers! Happy Holidays! This is my late Christmas gift to you! The other day I was PM'd by someone asking if I was dead. Uh... I'm not dead, just a very good procrastinator. But thanks for the laugh :).
Shoutouts to Heyitscatnip, ramyshipper1014, Zeke, Get3inspired, Kewlgirl1213, Imacrazyelf, divergentdandelion, Sincemay, michellelanter, jshr179, Bailey, divergent-yeye, Ashley5721, Louise, Angel5899, harperjn, Vivere Libri, Liddy98, DemFictionalBoyz, NatalieTheDivergent, Khockeygrl4, xxLovesSciencexx, AnnahereXD, Read daily, Hayes, 04mmensah, akells1018, P3ngu1nLuv, hedsoftball8, WhitneyTrey, firefoxxe, and all the guests for not only favoring/reviewing me/TIY but my other stories.
Just a few housekeeping things-
1) My Instagram is 4thetributesandinitiates. It's a blast over in the Instagram world :)
2) I will try and update the twitter account for TYI more often. (find it at kelliejo19)
3) There is approx. 5 chapters left for TIY. I will try and update as much as I possibly can while I am on break.
Now it is my pleasure to present to you Chapter 36- Silver Bells
Our victory is a bitter one.
Our footsteps and hearts were heavy as we followed Zeke silently. He led us to an empty apartment on the east side of Erudite, closer to the Dauntless compound. We inspected the apartment to make sure there weren't any bugs placed underneath tables or in the walls and when we didn't find anything, our backpacks were dumped out on the kitchen counter to be sorted and organized. While Zeke, Abby, Charlie, Connor, and I sorted through the food, the rest of the initiates explored the apartment. Gabe came out of a room carrying what looked like a heavy metal box. Connor took the object in his own hands and said it was a projector. It could play movies, slideshows, and presentations; all they needed was something to play. Delilah found a DVD in a cabinet. The group placed their sleeping bags out on the living room floor, waiting for the movie to start. Abby and Connor joined them with a fresh bag of popcorn. A dull voice penetrated the air and droned on about DNA structure and how the brain works. It's something an Erudite would watch. Even though they couldn't care less about the movie, it keeps their mind off of everything that's happened today and how there are only four initiates left of the original eleven. They are either traitors or dead.
My forearms bear the weight of my upper body as I lean onto the balcony's railing. It's too cold to actually enjoy being out here but it's nice to be able to think. It's much too cold to actually enjoy myself but it is nice out here. Snowflakes drizzle from the sky and settle on the railing and on my hands which are red from the cold. My breath comes out in little puffs of air. I look to the left and I'm filled with satisfaction. All of the lights are fizzling out in the Erudite compound. They're cowering, hiding from us in the darkness. A smile finds its way onto my lips and settles there. I think back to when I took a risk and jumped off the side of a building into nothingness. I didn't know who I was supposed to be back then, somewhere caught between a life of selflessness and a life of bravery, not knowing that I belonged in both and neither at the same time. I think about my mother who always was careful when she cut my hair, and my father who was steady and brave and smart. Tears burn at the back of my eyes when I realize I can't remember what their voices sound like. I wonder what they would think of me now. Would they recognize me? I doubt it. If I looked in the mirror and tried to find the girl I was at the choosing ceremony, I would only find slivers of her. But in a way I think that is okay. I am Divergent; no longer one more than the other. I am not defined by my faction choice but who I have given my heart to and who I have pushed away. I am defined by the choices I have made and the things I have said. The thought makes me stronger somehow.
Behind me the door panel wails. I turn and see Zeke slipping through it, a crooked smile tracing his lips. He shuts the door behind him, sliding the panel of glass into place. A green scarf wrapped lightly around his neck and a coat that is zippered halfway, showing his clean black shirt underneath. "You're really missing out," he says as treads over to me, his footsteps upsetting the light dusting of snow on the floor. "That documentary is riveting."
I snort and he laughs lightly. He shuffles next to me and his forearm almost touches mine when he rests them beside me.
"I brought something for you," he says and I raise an eyebrow in question. His hand reaches into the right pocket of his coat and pulls out a blue rectangle. It looks as if it is made of plastic. My eyebrows furrow together as I try to figure out what it is. I look to Zeke for help.
"It's chocolate," he says and then takes his fingers and peels back the blue wrapping to reveal a chocolate bar underneath.
I laugh. It's so... small. If the Erudite were really smart, they would stalk up on chocolate like the Dauntless does.
"How's Abby?" I ask and he nods.
"She's fine. The guard didn't inject her with anything. "Relief floods through me. I was so worried that she would either become one of the mindless soldiers that the Erudite like to use against the Abnegation or become sick and die. I think of Lyra and how her eyes seemed to glass over even when she was still breathing. With us and yet not. I think of Jenna and the blood blossoming on her chest.
"We ruined him, you know," I blurt out, startling Zeke. "Rex, I mean."
He takes my hand into his own and squeezes before letting go. "I know."
A sudden and angry panic floods through me. What if more initiates die on me? What if I start getting attached to them? What if I already have?
I clench my fingers into a fist, fight off the feeling, and sigh. "I can't..." How do I say that I don't want to see any more of them die? How do I explain to Zeke that the soldiers who have been traveling with us have somehow become part of me? "I don't want to..."
Zeke's hand covers mine and he gives me a tragic smile. His eyes don't carry the lightness they used to. I think it is partly because he no longer has just his brother to worry about anymore. He has come to care about these initiates just as much as I have.
"Let's not talk about it right now," he says gently. A smile lights his face and he looks like himself again. "It's the night before Christmas Eve for God's sake!" He lays a hand to his chest in mock serious and starts to belt out a song about a reindeer with a red nose. His voice is off key but I'm guessing it is intentional by how he makes his voice crack at certain notes. I laugh. "What are you singing?"
He stops suddenly and stares at me wide-eyed.
"You've never heard a Christmas carol before?"
I shake my head. In Abnegation, my parents brought Caleb and I along to a candlelight service in a pristine white church in the east section of Abnegation sector. I was handed a wax candle that my parents always lit for me and then the lights were shut off. Candles flickered in the dark as we sang songs about a baby boy who would someday save the world from sin and hate. Nothing like the song Zeke is singing.
Zeke shakes his head disapprovingly making his brown curls bounce. "I keep forgetting that you were a Stiff."
He backs away from the railing and holds out a hand to me. I wrap my palm in his and let him pull me closer as he mutters playfully, "I bet you don't even know how to dance."
I smile and he returns it, his eyes a brilliant green against a world full of glittering white snow. He takes my other hand and guides it to his shoulder, letting it cup the bone there. My fingers accidentally brush against the cloth that covers his shoulder. I try not to blush at the thought of his stomach, lean and muscular from years of Dauntless training, exposed to me at the Amity compound. I try to block out the memory of my fingers skimming across him, his muscles tightening at my touch. My cheeks blossom a blood red. I try to hide it by shivering, making him think that the color in my cheeks is because of the cold, but I can see that he knows it is anything but. Thankfully, he doesn't comment on it. Instead he brings up our clasped hands to where I can see them and smiles sheepishly. He starts to move his feet back and forth and I have no choice but to follow him. The only sound that I hear is our feet moving and upsetting the snow on the patio. His mouth leans closer to my hair and suddenly I can't breathe. His cheek rests on the side of my head, as he starts to sing softly. "Silver bells. Silver bells. It's Christmas time in the city." I feel him smile and I find myself smiling too even though I know he can't see me. "Ring a ding," he sings, a masculine bass sound that has every note right on key, "hear them sing." I press closer to him as we dance and lay my head on his chest, letting his voice calm me.
If I were taller, my head would sit against his collarbone but for once I don't mind being short. This way I can feel his every breath and vibration of his chest when he sings. I let my eyes flutter shut. Our joined hands break apart and I lay my hand on his chest, feeling a little uncomfortable with being so close with someone other than Tobias. He must sense my discomfort because he smooths his hand over my hair and then gently presses me closer, trying to tell me silently that I belong here. I relax into him and listen to him sing. I try to forget everything that has happened today. I try to block out the blood colored snow most of all. "Soon it will be Christmas Day." I wait for him to continue but he doesn't. I raise my head off his chest and raise an eyebrow.
"I don't know anymore," he explains.
"I really liked that song," I say. "It was nice." His eyes don't leave mine as he brings his fingers to the back of my neck. Every nerve I have is on edge waiting to tip. I suck in a harsh breath at his ice cold fingers. I feel like I'm choking when I ask, "Do you know any others?"
He's close enough to kiss. Nine inches apart. Now less than six. Then our noses are touching. I expect him to press closer but he doesn't. His eyes are burning with intensity and desire. His cheeks are flushed and I'm almost one hundred percent sure it's not from the cold. His fingers cup my chin and coax me closer.
I hold my breath as he fits his lips to mine.
I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe for him to be less careful, fisting his hands in my hair and tugging me closer, pushing me out of my comfort zone unintentionally. He surprises me when his lips move against mine in a gentle and cautious rhythm. He brings his hand up to my face a caresses my cheek lightly. His fingers are trembling. He's afraid. The thought makes my heart melt. I bring my own hands up and lock them around his neck, my fingers brushing the tendrils of hair that reside there. Zeke sighs at the contact and pulls me closer. His lips travel to my cheek, kiss the soft underline of my jaw, and lightly trace the soft spot behind my ear that makes me shiver. Through it all I can tell he is holding back. I see it in the way he hesitates before placing his hand on the small of my back and how he tries to hide the desire in his eyes. He wants to drown himself in me and never wake up. And I want him to. I want him to.
In a world that was safer, in a world that was not full of fear and death, who would we be? Who would I be? Would I fall for someone like Tobias who wears his insecurities and self-doubt like a shield of armor against the world? Or would I love someone like Zeke who wears his faults on his sleeve like those things aren't ripping him apart but making him stronger? I don't know. All I know is now. All I know is that I love Tobias and that I could never love Zeke. I could never love someone who is so careless with their heart. I thought it made him compassionate, and maybe it does, but all I can see his hurt when any other person he cares about dies or disappears. I think about it for a second, what it would do to him if I tell him that I don't love him. My heart physically aches when I think if his green eyes filling with hurt. He has been hurt enough. But I cannot love someone on pity.
Painfully, I bring my hands to his chest and push him away. I struggle to breathe as his eyes meet mine, the color in them even more intense. "We can't," I whisper, out of breath. "I'm sorry."
Zeke breaks eye contact with me and looks down at the snow. His cheeks flush with embarrassment but he is not surprised. He sighs. "I know you love Four. I just-" his eyes meet mine again. My heart stutters. "I just had to kiss you. Just once, to see if you felt the same way."
I have nothing to say, no words to comfort him, so I don't say anything at all. Eventually I clear my throat and tell him softly, "I should go check on the initiates."
He nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. The pain that is in the tightness of his jaw and his emerald eyes is fresh and raw. A knife twists in my chest when I realize that I am the one who put it there. My fingers fumble for the zipper on my coat and zip it up to my chin to try and block the wind from creeping down my neck and biting me. Somewhere inside me is a fleeting urge to grab the sides of his jacket, pull him towards me, and kiss him until the hurt disappears from his eyes. But I know I can't lead him on any more. The truth bubbles up inside me and produces a new round of pain. The truth is that when I was kissing him... I wished it was someone else. He deserves someone who loves him, I think firmly, startling myself. He deserves so much better than me. The thought pushes me to turn away from him and head towards the patio door. Just as my hand closes around the handle I turn around. Against the falling white snow is someone who is good and kind despite all the vile things he has been given. Someone who doesn't know the length of his goodness or his unbounded forgiveness. He believes he is broken. But that is the thing about broken things.
They can be fixed.
I want to tell him all of this but I don't know how. Instead I choose to wait for the right moment, for the right words, and murmur," Goodnight, Zeke."
He meets my eyes. The heaviness in his is unmistakable. He manages a small, sad smile and replies, "Goodnight, Tris."
And with that I leave him.
I wake up fumbling for a gun.
A scream bubbles in my throat but then dies when I see Delilah's hair fanned out on the pillow beside me and Connor twisting in his sleep from across the room. My heart beats in an erratic rhythm as I tell myself over and over again that I'm okay, I'm fine. I'm not at Madam's, not wearing a blue sparkly dress, not having a man with a scar on his face over me. I realize that the reason I was looking for a gun with I woke up is because I wasn't going to let him take me in my dream like he did at Madame's.
I was going to kill him.
My head falls into my hands as I shake with relief. But there is something else there as well. Something burning and seething, snapping its teeth and hungry, and I give into it. If I ever see that man again, I think, I will kill him. I will. The thought soothes me and soon my trembling stops. I know I won't be able to go to sleep after that so I roll up my sleeping bag, stuff it in my backpack, and grab the gun out of the side pocket in it. I roll it around in my hands and then slide it into my left boot. It's better to be armed at all times than risk getting in a situation where you need a weapon and you don't have one. I shrug a coat on over my thin shirt and wrap a scarf around my neck, shivering. Even with beads of sweat rolling down my back, it's freezing in here. Zeke didn't dare turn on the heat because he suspected that Erudite keeps close wraps on every abandoned building in their sector. Especially now when they know we are on the run.
I stumble into the kitchen my arms and legs still heavy from sleep. The light is on and when I peer into the dining room, I see Charlie gripping a steaming cup in his hands. His eyes are rimmed red. From crying or sleep deprivation I'm not sure.
"Hey," I say, leaning against the door frame.
He glances up at me and replies, "Hey."
He shivers and grips the cup in front of him closer. "In case you didn't know, it is colder than hell in here."
I laugh. "Isn't Hell supposed to be hot? You know, with all the flames and stuff?"
"The ninth circle of Hell is cold," he says. "There is a frozen lake in the middle of it. The worse your crimes are, the deeper you go into the lake and the closer you get to Satan."
"How do you know that?"
"I read it in a book."
I raise an eyebrow and lift myself off of the threshold. Step by step I advance towards him, my footsteps making the wood creak. "I forgot that you were an Erudite. Tell me, why would you quit something that you loved?"
"I never loved Erudite."
"But you loved learning," I argue.
"I have come to know that those two things are very different," he explains carefully.
That stops me. I can see it in Charlie, his love for books and numbers and words. It's part of him. But I heard the way he talked about it, like it tasted sour and bitter. Something happened to make him resent his faction.
"What happened?" I ask quietly as I pull out a chair and sit across from him.
He doesn't meet my eyes when he spits," What do you think?"
"Jeanine," I answer immediately. Charlie nods as he sips from his cup.
"She killed my father because he disobeyed her. When the time came for me to take my initiation test, I was pulled into a back room and was forced to drink a blue liquid." Charlie's brows furrow together as he continues. "She made sure that I didn't remember anything from the initiation classes. I failed the test. She wanted to make sure that treason didn't run in the family and the best way to do that was to get rid of me."
"What about the rest of your family? Do you have any siblings?"
"My mother died when I was younger. My brother died a few months ago. My sister is still in Erudite."
"After all Jeanine did to your family she wanted to stay?"
"My sister refuses to see the worst in Jeanine," He says. "Even after she killed our brother and our dad she refuses to see it."
A smile twitches as the corner of my mouth. "Your sister sounds like a piece of work."
He smiles lightly. "Yeah, well Cara has always been a piece of work."
Cara. My chest tightens and I can't breathe. Cara was Will's sister. Stop it, I snap at myself. There could be other Cara's out there. Just to make sure I ask cautiously," What was your brother's name?"
He must notice something in my voice because he looks up, questioning me," His name was Will. Why?"
Tears gather in my eyes and I have to look away. My chest feels like someone is crushing my lungs and making it painful to even think about breathing.
"Just curious," I squeeze out. Charlie opens his mouth to say something but a floorboard creaks and then Abby is walking in.
"Charlie," she says. "I was just wondering what you wanted for breakfast." Her eyes are rimmed red too.
Charlie shakes his head and pushes himself away from the table to get out of his chair. "Don't worry about it," he says. "I'll make it." Abby smiles at him, relieved, and he walks into the kitchen. My chest seems a bit lighter with him gone. I wonder how on earth I couldn't see it. The hair, the way he laughed, it was so.. Will. I can't believe I missed it.
"I miss him, you know."
Startled, I look up. Abby is still standing in the doorway, her arms crossed and her chocolate hair falling into her face. Tears lurk in the corner of her eyes, threatening to fall over.
"Rex," I say sadly.
She nods. "After Xander died, he was right there. He was the only person who didn't look at me like I was wounded. He showed me the Dauntless compound and taught me how to fight back instead of surrounding me with pity." A tear spills onto her cheek and her fingertips swipe it off impatiently. "He made me feel strong. He made me not miss my family so much. And now... I have nothing." A strangled sound escapes her. "And it's just so hard because it's Christmas time and I wanted to be with my mom and dad and-" Her head drops into her hands when the tears become too hard to stop. The little Abnegation Abby is gone, I realize. In her place is a soldier who doesn't know how to handle grief and just wants to be home with her family. My heart constricts for her. My feet find their way towards her and my Abnegation arms envelope her. As she cries, I can feel the fabric sticking to my shirt as a result of her tears. Her sniffles and hiccups only make me feel worse. I wish I could at least bring them all home for Christmas.
"Abby," I say, searching for the right words. "I miss him too. But going home isn't an option right now. We need to stop Jeanine. We're needed here." I squeeze her shoulders and whisper like it's a secret, "We can be your family for now."
When she eyes start to water again, my heart starts to sink. I've said the wrong thing. But instead of turning away from me, I feel her arms wrapping around me and her fingers curling into my coat, clinging to me with her dear life.
"Thanks," she says, her voice a horse whisper.
I don't reply. I'm not used to hugs and kisses and open sorts of affection like this. It makes me squirm and feel like I have to reciprocate feelings I might not have. But this time is different. I have genuine feelings for the girl in front of me who is just like me. So I wrap my arms around her, hug her tight and hope for the best.
Just then, Zeke comes in with a platter full of steaming fluffy scrambled eggs in one hand and a carton of orange juice in the other. Like me he is dressed in his warmest clothing head to toe. His brown curls are a tangled mess. One falls onto his forehead when he sets the plates down on the table but as soon as his hands are free his fingers are there pushing it back into place. "Good morning, ladies," he sings, flashing us a smile. His green eyes sparkle with the promise of a new day. It's as if last night never even happened. I smile back.
"Morning Zeke," Abby says and then the two take off towards the kitchen, eager to get the rest of the food on the table.
One by one, the rest of the squad files into the dining room, rubbing their eyes and zipping up their coats. Even though their speech is slurred with sleep, they are animated and speaking to each other with wild excited gestures. The table is full of wet finger dripping pieces of French toast covered in goopy syrup and crisp crimped strips of bacon. By the time that the last plate is brought in, everyone is practically drooling, including myself. Delilah sits to the right of me, her fingers reaching for the plates before she even fully sits down. The chair to my left is empty so when Zeke comes in, I expect him to take it so we can talk about everything and anything but he doesn't. Instead he walks right by me with his plate of food and sits at the other end of the table next to Gabe. Disappointment washes over me. So he is still upset about last night. I try to ignore the way he is purposely dismissing my glances across the table while I eat.
Across the table Connor stiffens and he tells everyone to be quiet for a second but his voice is lost in the noise. I almost laugh. Even with the time he has spent in Dauntless he hasn't figured out that in order to be heard he needs to shout. When no one reacts, Connor slams his fist on the table and barks, "I said, everyone shut up!"
Silence hits the room hard and fast. A few people even drop their jaws because Connor has never raised his voice. Ever. The rest of the people are silent waiting for him to say something. Connor's brows furrow together in concentration and his palm cups his left ear. He's listening for something, I realize. My own ears strain to find a sound. Suddenly, I hear footsteps flopping faintly. Even with things so awkward between us, I still depend on Zeke in a battle. His eyes find mine, searching for reassurance. The Erudite are walking in the hallway, trying to find us.
"Grab a gun!" Zeke orders and everyone jumps up from the table, breakfast forgotten. I yank the pistol from my boot and click the safety off in one smooth move. As I run to the living room, I see Connor pull Delilah down underneath a table and the other initiates exchanging weapons and harsh whispers as they prepare to fight the Erudite. I find Zeke pressed against the wall separating the threshold from the living room, his gun between his fingers. I find my place next to him and say, "We're going to have to kill whoever comes through that door."
He nods, swallowing a lump in his throat. I don't want to kill anyone. I don't want to put myself in another life threating situation. But it is what needs to be done and I'm going to do it. I peek around the corner and see the door handle twisting and clicking. My finger curls around the trigger of my gun. I'm ready to shoot when I hear," Zeke?"
I spin around to Zeke, my eyes wide with confusion. Zeke pales and his lips part slightly with surprise. Uriah is here. Uriah is with the Erudite.
"Zeke," Uriah says, his footsteps cracking on the wood as he travels closer. "I know you're here. It's just me."
Beside me, Zeke stiffens and trembles slightly at the sound of his brother's voice. It's something he's wanted to hear since we left the compound but now he can't even react without putting us in danger.
"Zeke, I promise. Please."
Something in Zeke seems to snap. I know it the minute I see his eyes soften. My blood runs ice cold. I can't let him go out there. It's a trap.
"Zeke," I hiss. My fingers snap at the arm of his coat to try and pull him back as he step forward but it is too late.
Zeke keeps his weapon raised as he rounds the corner. He won't shoot though, even if Uriah is a traitor; he loves him too much. Uriah's hands are up in the air, not surprised at all that his brother is pointing a gun at him. Of course not. They grew up Dauntless. When Zeke doesn't see anybody with Uriah, he drops his weapon and races over to his brother. They embrace and slap each other on the back wildly, shouting and laughing. When they settle down, Uriah calls over his shoulder, "You guys! It's okay! They're here!"
A curly brunette pops into the room, her gun slung across her chest. I would recognize her from anywhere. I step out from behind the wall. "Christina!" I exclaim, my head buzzing with shock.
She turns, searching for me. When she finds me, she beams and wraps her arms around me, both of us squeezing as tight as we possibly can.
"Oh my god!" She squeals and pulls back, her hands finding my shoulders and squeezing. "I missed you so much!"
"Me too," I say. I smile again and pull her in for in for another hug. After a few moments, she steps out of my arms and goes to find Zeke who is still catching up with his brother. She gives him a quick tap on his shoulder and he spins around, expecting anyone but her. He laughs and seizes her with a hug. I smile. Suddenly, I hear another pair of footsteps coming down the hallway and into the apartment. I turn around and I'm frozen solid.
He looks different. His hair is longer, the ends of it tickling the tip of his ear. Muscles curl around his biceps and I can see a hint of his tattoo peeking out of the collar of his shirt. A gun is slung over his right shoulder and a knife is tucked neatly into the side of his boot, a trick he taught me. His eyes have hardened into a swirling sea of blue; something impenetrable and stony. A gauze is tied around his forehead, a splotch of blood seeping into the fabric. But he's alive. He's alive.
I can barely breathe.
"Tobias."
If you go and look at the reviews, I would lay money on that at least every other one was either asking when Tobias was coming back or begging to have Tris and Tobias together again. What can I say? I ship it :).
Were you surprised that Charlie is Will's brother? Or that Tobias is back?
Leave me a review and tell me what you think!
Hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas and I'll see you in the new year.
Kel