1) Don't forget that I've posted the beginning of the oringal story at: writing/shiningstar1130/1216872/

2) This chapter didn't flow as I wanted it too. Shawn's mood and tone is strange in this chapter and hopefully yall see why.

3) Please Review!

"You know what" Jack said pacing back and forth, "Maybe this will force him to slow down. You know really stick around."

"You're kidding yourself. He's leaving the second he gets out of here."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. I know him. I am him."

Then we heard footsteps coming closer. I looked up to see Angela, Topanga…and Cory.

I stared down at the floor.

"How's he doing?" Angela asked us.

Jack nodded, "He's resting."

We were all silent for about a minute.

"Hey" Topanga finally said, "Angela, how about you and I go get everybody some coffee"

As soon as the girls left the room a nurse motioned to Jack then took him to fill out some more stuff.

Cory and I were left alone. He walked around and sat down next to me.

"How…" he whispered, "How you doing Shawnie?"

I closed my eyes and took a breath. "You don't have to be here Cory." I smirked, "Don't you have a date or something?"

He grabbed my hand, "Shawnie you're more important anything than to me. Shawnie I know you and I'm afraid you might do something crazy if left alone."

I removed my hand from his grip and through my head to the ceiling, "Why do you care? I'm not your boyfriend anymore. I wouldn't care if I was you."

"You know that you don't mean that."

Fuck, he was right.

I finally looked at him, "Do you know what was happening when he had his heart attack?"

He shook his head, "No. What?"

I shifted up in my seat, "I told him I was gay."

"What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything…he just collapsed."

"Oh" Cory grasped, "…you must feel awful."

"I do. Cory I should be in there putting my arms around him and telling that I love him. But I can't because I'm still so angry at him."

"You know what Shawnie" Cory said, "He's been blowing in and out of your life. But now he's in there and he can't go anywhere."

%%%%

I find my deepest pain around you.

I find my brokenness inside your hand.

Yet when I think of you...I crave your attention...I rely on your love.

And I see your face and...I go back to a child wanting their Daddy.

Oh god fucking dam...

I sat by my dad's bed trying to write.

"How's he doing?" Jack whispered walking in carrying a shopping bag.

I watched Jack set some newspapers, venture machine food, and two bottles of water while talked about his plans to dad a nurse. He acted so…so put together. He seemed so clam. It frustrated me.

"You just got this whole thing figured out? Don't you?" I smirked.

"I'm just trying to take care of things." He bit back.

I walked over to him, "Well I guess that's easy when you not feeling what I am"

"Shawn, don't tell me how I'm feeling. I'm his son too."

"Are you?" I barked, "When you were a kid did you sat next to him while he watched TV hoping he would say something to you? Did ever once pick up after him when he was drunk? When he didn't come home, did you lie in bed thinking that it was your fault? And when was gone did you fake a smile while inside it tearing you apart? Did you?"

Jack shook his head, "No, I didn't. But I had to live my whole life knowing I had a father that I couldn't know."

I rolled my eyes, "But you turned out okay. You are in the stable relationship. You know who you are. You deal with things. I'm…I'm just another version of him."

I heard my dad call out my name, "Shawn"

"Oh god, you're up" I smirked again.

"I know I never did right by you"

"Did you hear what I said? Before? At the apartment?"

"Um…you said that you was um…"

"Gay." I choked, "I said that I'm gay…because I am."

He stared me for a while.

"Shawn..." He started, "I made it a point not do judge people...I mean who am I to insult anybody. But the thing is that I don't think I ever really known a...gay. What exactly is that religion mean?"

"It's not a religion. It just means that like guys. Sexually."

"But ain't there like religious holidays?"

"Well there's a one gay pride parade a year requirement. Oh and of course Cher's birthday."

I chuckled at my own joke. Jack laughed too. Dad looked at us quiet and confused. He didn't get it.

So I turned back to subject, "How are you feeling about this dad ? Please tell me what's going through your head?"

He blinked, "So how long has this been goin on?"

I nodded, that was a reasonable question. "That depends on what you're asking. If you're asking me how long I've been out about it, it's been about a year. If you're asking me how long I've been gay…then I think that's been going on my whole life."

"Excuse me son, but how do you know?"

Another reasonable question.

"Well dad, I'll spare you any pornographic details," Then I remembered something, "Dad…when I kiss guys I feel like I'm on a desert weak enough to faint."

His face lit up with a sudden understanding, "So while you were yelling at me you mentioned a guy? You got a boyfriend or something?"

Wow, he had to ask that. I bit my lip and attempted to blink away the tears, "Yea. I do" I swelled up.

I didn't it say it to lie. I didn't it say it to be in denial. I said because I realized that don't matter what happened…I still had a boyfriend.

"Wow." he reposed, "What's this fellas name?"

"It's Cory. Cory Matthews."

He busted out laughing, "While lookie there. It don't get any better than the Matthews."

I looked over Jack who anxiously stood at the foot of the bed waiting to share.

"You think that's funny. Guess who Jack's dating?"

Jack came and sat by me.

Dad nodded, "Is it that pretty red-head you livin with?"

Jack put his hand on my shoulder and laughed, "No. It's the pretty blonde I'm living with."

I laughed but Dad just raised an eyebrow.

"It's Eric." Jack explained, "Eric Matthews"

"Whoa" he chuckled, "Ain't that an added twist."

Jack was glowing with happiness. But I couldn't enjoy that happiness. Even though it seem like I was having a great time with my dad, his presence still bothered me. My mind just took a step back and watched the situation.

My sometimes abusive and distant father is lying in a hospital bed after almost dying. My brother (who didn't grow up dealing with our father) is happily chatting about his great relationship with his boyfriend. And my father, who I always thought was the stereotypical close-minded trailer park American, is super cool with two of his sons being gay (well Jack's bi but that's not the fucking point). My mother freaked out when I told her, yet my father is welcomes it so quickly.

What the fuck?

Now I'm sure I could get a grip on it if I could consult my boyfriend…oh wait I already screwed with that. Wait wasn't I mad at my father for fucking me up so bad, causing me to screw up in the first place. It was all giving me a headache.

"Shawn you okay?" Jack nudged my shoulder.

"I can't believe this" I barked, "This. The three of us. In this room. Acting like….this."

"Shawn" Jack bit, "Were having a happy moment. Why can't you just be happy with us?"

"Dad, I managed to find this sweet guy who knows what I've been though, know the things I've done yet…despite everything loves me. He somehow sees this good inside me. He sees me as this strong, kind, loyal, sensitive poet that bond to be sucessful." Here's where the tears started falling. "I wish I was the man he sees me as. But I can't be because I'm always paranoid that if I feel secure and happy in life that something is going to come in and crush it...so I crush it myself."

I grabbed that railing of the bed "I'm real screwed up dad" I cried "It's like I'm watching myself do these things that hate. And I can't stop myself" My red eyes looked into his. "Why could you just stick around? Was I not good enough for you?'

"No Shawn." Dad started crying, "I wasn't good enough for you."

I gave him a hug, "I really need you dad"

"This time boys I'm staying"

"You mean it"

He nodded. We all breathe for a moment…then dad grasped.

"Dad what's wrong?"

"You betta call someone" He whispered not being to breathe.

Jack ran out the room screaming for help.

I was grasping trying to adjust. Dad grabbed my hand.

"I think this is it Shawn"

"What dad?"

"Shawn, I was never able to stay and be happy. Neither could my pa. You can break the cycle. Shawn you're a good boy and you're smarter than I could ever be."

"You're not dying"

"Shawn, death isn't all bad. I'll won't feel any pain anymore. I just might be happy with it."

"Dad…dad no"

"I'm sorry Shawn, I love you."

People in white coats came rushing in. I was slammed on to the wall. I stayed there with my eyes shut while the crowd rushed around calling out orders.

%%%%

We were all sitting in the waiting room. I sat there squeezing Cory's hand. He didn't mind of course. He sat by me patiently. Jack sat across from me doing the same thing with Eric. Eric was cracking little jokes about hospital food. We weren't mad. That was how Eric reacted to things. I actually felt a little relieved that someone was talking. I hated complete quiet.

We sat like that until a doctor walked up to us with his hands folded. We all stood up.

"We lost him" He said. I could tell that this was the part of his job that he hated. "His heart wasn't strong enough." He shook his head, "Sorry boys"

I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to cry it I would never see him again. I wanted to yell at him for leaving me again. Yet I wanted to be spiteful and laugh that he was finally gone.

Cory put his arms around me, "Shawnie?"

I grabbed his arms and clutched them tightly.

%%%%%

I ended up back at my old trailer.

I was alone sitting on the couch where I used to watch soap operas with my mom. As I looked around I began to think about the child I once was. The young me would never had dreamed that would turn out like me. Or maybe he did dream of it but didn't want to.

"Hi Shawn" I heard Cory say he walked in.

I opened my eyes and looked over at him.

"How you feeling Shawnie?" He asked sitting next to me.

"I think I'm doing okay, better at least."

He looked around. "I haven't been in here in a long time."

"He left me this trailer you know. It's all he had."

He picked up something from the floor and laughed.

"Cor what is it?"

"It's the picture of us at the water war."

I stared at the picture of two soaked pre-teens. "I can't believe it that was you and me. A lot has changed."

Staring that picture reminded of a childhood habit. Running away. When I couldn't handle something I wanted to run away. Mentally or Physically. I always ran away to Cory. But the truth is that I pictured actually wanted to run away with Cory.

"Hey Cor…I was thinking hitching this thing up and go a way for a while."

"Yea" he nodded, "You should take a little trip."

I took a breath "You…"I mumbled. I shifted my body to look into his eyes, "You wanta come with?"

He didn't say no, but he did ask a question. But it was a reasonable question.

He slid his fingers around the picture, "As friends or boyfriends?"

I thought he would ask that, the one question I didn't know how to answer. "Um…how…how about as best friends?"

He lowered his eyes. I don't think that's the answer he wanted.

I moved closer, "Please Cory? I really need to go with me. You know more than anybody that I do stupid things when I'm not with you."

He bit his lip.

I moved closer. Brushing my nose against his cheek Then I bated my eyes.

"God I can't say no to that face." he chuckled, "Okay. A weekend road trip good sounds to me."

I laughed, "Yay!"

Then we both got quiet. Our lips were an inch a part. His eyes told me exactly what he wanted to do. And oh god I wanted to do the same thing. I felt him leaning in. I wanted to kiss him…but I freaked out getting up from the couch. I walked into the kitchen and got a coke.

Cory cleared his throat, "So…Is there any special place you wanta go…or are we just going to drive in one direction until we hit ocean?"

Another reasonable question.

I chuckled, "Yea, I think we'll just let the road be our guide."

I lied. The truth is that I knew the exact place that I needed to go to. And I knew the exact person that I needed to see.

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