Gumby

Chapter 36: Coward, The Magic Word

He'd been pacing in his living room for the better part of the day, night and now dawn. He hadn't slept at all and he was going crazy with worry and frustration that he couldn't go out and look for Samara because she could be anywhere. He was nearly tearing out fistfuls of hair out while thinking millions of thoughts at the same time, one of the foremost cursing himself for the things he said, and cursing Samara for being so damn impulsive. However, he knew well enough that that was his fault as well. Whenever Samara lost her temper, she was no longer in control of what she said or what she did. While she was usually impulsive, Samara had a good head on her shoulders. However, in her anger he was unsure if whether she would really think through what she was doing.

Severus sat down on the couch and placed his head in his hands, running his hands through his hair and gripping it so tight that he felt the starting of a migraine coming on. If anything happened to her, he was the only one to blame because he was in charge of her. Sure she was of age, but that did not remove the responsibility from his shoulders. What plagued him most was the idea that if anything happened to Samara, he wouldn't be able to go on living, there would be absolutely not point or reason to. He didn't even know if he could go on living without her in this world.

While he was well aware that as soon as Samara graduated from Hogwarts that he probably would never see her again and would have to live without her, but at least than he would have the knowledge that she was going on with her life and probably quite happy with it. That he could live with. What he couldn't live with was her not existing anymore. That would break his heart beyond measure and leave him absolutely lifeless and in shambles, unable to continue moving through life and frankly he would have no desire to.

Lost in his thoughts, he almost missed the sound of the door unlocking. But some part in his brain seemed to process the soft click that he heard and he looked up, his heart beating faster with hope as the door opened. Relief flooded through him as he watched Samara step in and close the door behind herself, her movements still fluid but more clumsy than what was usual for her. For a moment, he wondered if it was just her weary body that caused her to lean her forehead against the closed door, but when she slowly turned around and looked into his eyes, the bleariness of her hazel eyes told him the truth. She'd gotten drunk.

Anger flared back into his being and he narrowed his gaze on Samara and clenched his teeth and fist as she stumbled over and flopped down on the couch. She slouched down next to him and rested her head back, closing her eyes. Severus stared at her, trying to gain control of his temper, because he was afraid that if he roared at her, 'where the hell have you been' that she might just decide to leave again. And the worry and guilt trip was not something he wanted to go through again, any time soon.

"Where have you been?" he said, his voice sounding strangely calm, despite the fact that he spoke through gritted teeth. He was almost sure that his voice was going to at least tremble with the rage inside of him, but it hadn't. The curls in her hair had by now straightened out and she'd removed the makeup from her face, but she still looked pretty kempt, considering the fact that she was hammered.

"Randomly roaming around, ran into Benjamin Baker in Diagon Alley and we went out to drink at some bar he knew, he paid for everything," Samara replied, her voice slurring slightly as she reached up with her hands and held her head, squinting her eyes shut tighter. It was something that he started to recognize as some of the first symptoms of a hangover, Samara was in for one hell of a day if he didn't give her a cleansing potion. Severus stared at her, wondering just how much she had to drink and whether he should give her the potion or not. He thought it would serve her as a good lesson to go through her first hangover; however, he was unsure as to whether or not his heart could bear to see her in any pain at all.

Benjamin Baker was a year older than Samara and was in Hufflepuff. From the years that Severus had him, he was a good boy though Severus had always thought that he was a little queer, and not in the strange kind of way. "What were you thinking?" he snapped at Samara as he stood up. Samara didn't open her eyes or turn to look at him. She merely covered her whole face with her hands. He could hardly hear her muffled and slurred response, which he supposed was something like 'thinking I wanted to get the hell away from you'.

Severus felt as his anger dissipate as he remembered the look on her face just before she disapparated. Standing up, he exited the room and walked into the kitchen, before walking back with a cleansing potion in his hand. There was a particular cabinet in the kitchen that contained several potions in case of emergencies and this just happened to be one of them. He was quite sure that Samara had never bothered to open this particular cabinet, however, he guessed that she could've and never said anything about it.

Walking back into the room Severus sat next to Samara and pulled her hands away from her face. Samara looked over at him, however, when she saw the potion in his hand, parted her lips slightly as he tilted some of the potion in her mouth. She closed her eyes tight at the horrible taste and shuddered, however, soon after sat up slightly and placed her head in her hands. "Thanks," she mumbled.

"Don't ever do that again," he said imperiously as he looked at her. Samara raised her head slightly and looked over at him from the corner of her eyes; a sleek brow raised over her hazels eyes. The bleariness in them had dissipated, but he could see the anger simmering softly beneath the warm surface of her brownish-green eyes.

"Unless you can guarantee you won't behave like an… well an idiot as there is no better word for the things you said earlier, I can't guarantee anything," she said, her voice almost coming out in a growl. Severus glared at her, wondering where the hell she came off calling him an idiot, no matter how much he actually deserved it. He was still her Professor, no matter how blurred the lines of their relationship had become; she still had to respect him.

"A little more respect Samara, I am still your Professor," he said murderously as he glared at her. Samara pulled her head out of her hands and turned to look at him completely. There was a look of incredulity on her face as she looked at him, the softly simmering anger that had been beneath her eyes boiling over once more. For a moment, Severus wondered if he was the only person that could bring out this kind of unbridled anger out of her. He hadn't seen her angry like this at anyone else before.

"Do you even know what the hell you want? One moment you tell me that you want to be nothing more than my Professor, but the next moment you're telling me awful things out of jealousy and pain because you think that I am giving someone else attention. You can't have it both ways, either you want to be with me or you want me to move on!" Samara yelled angrily as she stared into his eyes.

Severus stared her, knowing that she was completely right. However, his mouth had completely gone dry. He knew what he should say, he knew that he should tell her that she was right and that he had no right to have said those things to her and that he really wanted nothing more than for her to move on with her life. That would've been the right thing to do, the selfless and most loving option, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words, because all he kept thinking about was what he felt when he thought he saw Samara flirting with Lucius Malfoy. "You're right Samara, I can't have it both ways," he said as he looked at her. "You're better off with someone else, but I can't stand the sight of it."

Samara shifted in her seat, so that she was once more kneeling and much closer to him and she looked into his eyes pleadingly. "Then forget about everything. Let go of all the selfless reasons that you have for resisting me and just do something selfish," she said as she looked at him. Severus stood up and turned away from her, feeling frustrated, wondering why she had to make things so damn difficult.

"I can't Samara, don't you understand?" he roared as he walked over to one of the bookcases and clutched onto the shelf to keep himself from punching something. He could feel her eyes watching him intently, those eyes that could always see more than was actually presented. Silence hung between them, so awkward and noiseless that it felt like his ears were bleeding with the slightest bit of sound, such as their breathing.

"You're scared, aren't you? You're afraid to fall in love," she stated softly as she looked at him. Severus whirled around, wondering how she'd known and realized that her eyes had turned glassy once more as she stared at him. Her brows were knitted together in confusion, not understanding why he was so scared of love.

"I know the hazards of it and I will not go through it again," he said as he looked at her. Samara stared at him for a moment, blinking as she came to realize that he'd once before fallen in love with someone and that it severely damaged him. It made her wonder a great many things, like who, when and what happened. However, more than anything, she felt anger, because she couldn't be with the man she loved because he was too scared.

"You're a coward," she said simply before taking off far more quickly than he'd expected. Before he could reach out and stop her, she was full on running up the stairs. He followed after her, boiling with rage that she'd dared call him a coward, but by the time he'd reached the landing she'd locked the door of the room and was putting up all kinds of wards to keep him out of her room.

Severus balled his hands into fist once more and this time he couldn't control himself. He pounded on the door once with his fist, before yelling that he was not a coward. However, a deathly silence took over and he guessed that she'd placed muffliato on the room. She couldn't hear him anymore, and Severus doubted that she would have any desire to either. Falling to his knees outside her door out of exhaustion, he placed his forehead against the hard wood door, wondering what the hell he'd just done.

TBC…

A/N: Snape just keeps acting like a jerk, its not his fault, he can't help it. LOL. Well I hope that everyone liked this chapter, please review!