Chapter 36
The Final Impasse?
My Comments :
I am so sorry everyone. I have no excuse honestly. This chapter was especially hard for me. As I told a reader who had messaged me, there was no really to end this chapter without every chapter after this resulting in the same stalemate. I mean, honestly! We all know how stubborn Shepard and Garrus can be. Especially now that they are both being effected by the mental illness known as PTSD. Regardless, there really is no amount I can apologize. To all of my loyal readers and those who may be new, I am deeply sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
The Story :
Shepard leaned against the door, her fists clenched. The bastard deserved to be hit. Of all the times to bring up her own, personal decisions it had to have been right then?! She sighed, her hands loosening ever so slightly. The woman was well aware of how dangerous many of those situations had been. Ever since she had found Garrus, and especially after she'd had Amara and David, she'd regretted every single dangerous situation she had been in. But despite regretting them, she could not, and would not, go back to change any of it. Everything she did and would do was for their safety. The safety of them and everyone else she cared about. Noblesse Oblige. It was an old saying Major Geo had told her. He said that he wanted to do what he could for the galaxy. The saying meant that if you have the power to help, but you don't use it, you are committing a sin. As a Commander, Spectre, and leader of the Reapers, Shepard had the power to protect so many. Who was she to decide that her own life was more important that the hundreds of millions she had worked so hard to save? If she could stop those who were killing so many others, then why shouldn't she? Shepard was aware that she meant a lot to Garrus, which is why he was so upset with her. But didn't he understand? So many had already died because she was not able to save them.
The Commander pulled herself away from the door, walking over to the mirror. Her golden eyes shone with the unshed tears, but clenched her fists again. Crying wasn't going to solve anything. She was done crying. No matter how much she cried, it would only cloud her mind more. And right now, she was resolute. Noblesse Oblige. It was her in her power to save many species. Many people. Friends. Family. She had to protect everyone she could. It didn't matter what cost saving so many would inflict upon her. If Shepard could, she would. It had always been her goal. To save as many as possible. And she had. She'd managed to ally the Krogan and Turians. As well as the Geth and Quarians. Century long feuds became nothing as her words and actions reached the hearts and minds of so many.
What was she supposed to do? Her love for Garrus, Amara, and David was boundless. But could she really accept Garrus' terms if it meant risking the lives of so many?
~0~0~0~0~0~
"Dad?"
Anderson jumped, quickly hiding the small box behind his back as he turned around. Golden eyes studied him curiously, eyebrows knit together.
"What are you doing?"
The man rubbed the back of his head sheepishly with his free hand. "Nothing really. I, uh, just thought I saw a scratch on the table."
Shep pouted. "I know a lie when I hear one, dad." She crossed her arms and leaned back on her left leg, braided pigtails falling against her back. "What were you really doing?"
Her father laughed heartily, rubbing the top of her head with his free hand. "I guess there's no hiding anything from you. It's your birthday tomorrow."
The girl narrowed her eyes. "No it's not," the eleven year old growled. "I never told you my birthday. For good reason."
Anderson sighed quietly. "It isn't your actual birthday, Shep. Why don't we think of it as the anniversary of your adoption?" He smiled, kneeling down to eye level. "I know you don't want to celebrate because of certain things in your past, but I do want to celebrate with you. Just the two of us, a few presents, and some sweet anniversary cake. How does that sound?"
"Just the two of us? As a family?" Shep questioned, eyes beginning to glisten with tears. She ran into his arms, burying her face in his chest. "You're my only family," the girl muttered, sobbing.
~0~0~0~0~0~
Aurora leaned against one of the many supporting columns in the garden, mandibles pressed to her face in a frown. Her arms were crossed across her chest, talons clenched into fists. Her eyes were narrowed at the groom.
"Seriously? Do you even realize the state she was in when I found her?" the young Turian asked, tapping her foot in annoyance.
Liara stepped forward. "She is alright, isn't she?"
Aurora surveyed the anxious faces. "She's fine," she finally said, earning a sigh of relief from nearly everyone in the room. "But if she had been out much longer she'd probably be really sick right now. She's obviously no ordinary Human, because if she was, she wouldn't have made it nearly as far as she did. If she was a plain Human, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be breathing right now."
The room was eerily quiet as they let this sink in.
"Hey, sis? How did she seem? Mentally, I mean," Sarasi said slowly, wringing his talons nervously.
The young woman sighed, shaking her head. "Honestly? She was a mess. Her eyes were all puffy from crying and she'd still been crying when I found her. And her arms were trembling from the stress and holding up her dress." She uncrossed her arms, standing tall. "I actually ended up forcing her to come back."
Sarasi sighed. "Someone is going to have to talk to her." He glanced up. "Someone besides Garrus."
The former mercenary in question flinched. "W-why can't I?"
"Because that would be stupid," Joker spat. "Do you really think she wants to see you right now?"
"Calm down, Jeff," EDI warned, placing a cold, metallic hand on his shoulder.
"Why should I? All Garrus has done is ruined something that was going perfectly well!"
Amara nodded. "Sorry, dad. I have to agree with Joker on this one."
"She was so happy earlier," a small voice spoke out.
All heads in the room shot to the owner of the voice, Tali. The Quarian was sniffling quietly, a few tears streaming down her face. Her hands were wringing together nervously.
"I-I mean that she seemed happy earlier. When we were getting her ready. Well, happy and nervous; but that's normal, right?" Her head fell a little. "I hadn't seen her that happy in a long time."
Liara nodded in agreement. "Ever since she lost Ashley, her eyes didn't shine nearly as much."
"When I encountered her at the Monastery, her eyes were dull, even if she attempted to appear strong," Samara added, a light frown etching its way into her usually expressionless face. "When I later met her again during the transfer of Espie's capsule, it had gotten worse." The Justicar nodded slightly. "It had only declined since then. Until today. The shine had come back."
"It was gone again. Disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared," Tali finished, looking like she wanted to wipe the tears away, but couldn't because she had no way to get to them. "She almost seemed worse."
"Her gaze was so sad during the final part of the war when the Reapers had finally arrived. She kept losing people she cared about."
Larenus finally spoke up, having been entirely silent during the whole event until this point. "If this so called 'shine' is gone, what effect will it have on Annabeth?"
Klarc frowned. "'e's 'ot a point. If she 'ained the shine 'cause of this, what 'appens now?"
The room fell silent again. Everyone seemed to be contemplating this thought. If she was in there alone, with her depressed thoughts taking over again, what conclusion would she come to?
"I shall talk to her," a gravelly voice said calmly, the owner of it standing and walking towards the dressing room.
"The Prothean's gonna talk to her?" Valiante questioned, crossing his arms disapprovingly.
Liara nodded slowly. "It makes sense. He's connected to her emotions. Javik is the only one who knows exactly how she's feeling right now."
~0~0~0~0~0~
Shepard stared at her reflection in the mirror, the teary shine gone from her eyes. Despite losing so many, she still had the precious memories. Those were something she would never let go of. Even so, the woman didn't want any of her friends to be reduced to mere memories. If she could protect them, she would.
Knock knock.
"Go away, Javik."
The door opened regardless, the Prothean slipping in and closing it behind him. "Your own sensing abilities are becoming stronger, Commander," he said calmly, ignoring her command.
"And you still have little regard for what I tell you to do," she retorted, spinning around to face him. "Why are we speaking like this anyway?"
"In case the primitives decide to listen. They cannot understand our words."
"Oh," Shepard muttered, checking on the gun strapped to her thigh.
"You were carrying a weapon?"
"Yes."
"Good choice," Javik said with a smirk. "It is impossible to tell what some primitives are thinking."
Shepard audibly sighed. "I only chose to brought a weapon in case the ceremony was attacked. I'm aware of the equal amounts of support and animosity built up against me in the galaxy."
The smirk faded, and all four eyes narrowed. "What did running solve? Did you come to a new resolution, Commander?"
"I've come to a few. Have you ever heard the term Noblesse Oblige?"
"No," came the curt, though somewhat interested, voice.
"It means that if you have power, but don't use it to help others, you are committing a sin." Shepard leaned against the wall, her head tilting back so she could see the ceiling. "Garrus wanted me to stop putting myself in dangerous situations, but if I did that, I wouldn't be able to use my powers to help anymore."
"Hm," Javik hummed, leaning against the door and crossing his arms. "Then why don't you continue to help others? What is the problem he has with you helping?"
"Garrus is worried that if I put myself into all these dangerous situations, then I might not come back from one."
"He is worried that you will die?"
Shepard nodded slowly, closing her eyes and reveling in the darkness. "Yes."
Javik slowly shook his head, though the gesture was lost on the Commander because she wasn't paying attention. "Then he does not understand."
This caught Shepard's attention, and she opened her eyes to study him curiously. "What do you mean?"
"You would not allow yourself to die. From what your memories have told me, even when you die, you shall find a way back. I spoke with the AI during their time aboard the ship."
"You talked to Legion?"
"Yes. The Geth stated that you seemed to have a unnatural ability to get out of any dangerous situation alive. It said you were an anomaly because of that."
Shepard leaned her head back again, scrunching her face up in thought. "I don't want to die," she said calmly.
"Precisely my point. If you wish for something, it somehow happens. I watched you end century old wars with a few words. If you wish to not die going alone into a field full of enemy soldiers, you will emerge victorious. You are the Avatar of Bravery. The Avatar of Courage. The Avatar of Truth. The Avatar of Hope." All four eyes were fierce. "You are the Avatar of Life."
~0~0~0~0~0~
The young girl jumped out the window from her room, using the newly acquired biotics to land softly. She giggled, ignoring the pain in her brain from using the abilities she wasn't supposed to have.
"Don't scare me like that," a familiar, male voice said from nearby.
"Leo!" The girl jumped in excitement, running towards the owner of the voice and wrapping him in a huge hug.
"Hey, Princess," the child replied, happily hugging her back. "Why not just come out the front door? Or a window on the first floor?"
"Mom set up a detection system on my door so she knows when I leave. My window was the only option," the biotic replied, detaching herself from her friend. "What are we doing tonight? We do have school in the morning you know."
"I know," Leo said with a laugh. "There's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight. I thought you'd like to see it."
"Meteor shower?"
"Yeah! A bunch of shooting stars go through the sky at once! They say that if you make a wish during a meteor shower, it's guaranteed to come true!"
"Really?" Shepard asked, looking pretty unconvinced.
"Uh-huh," her friend replied, smiling brightly. "Follow me! I found a great spot to watch!"
~0~0~0~0~0~
"That was a big climb," the girl complained, rubbing her little feet.
"Sorry, Princess. I would have carried you if I could have."
"Don't worry about that," she said with a laugh. "I just wanted to whine a little."
Leo joined in the laughter, smiling. "It should be starting soon. What are you going to wish for?"
"I don't know," Shepard answered quietly, sobering up. Her gaze rose to the sky, waiting for the shooting stars. "I have a lot of wishes. More than anything I want to be gone."
"What?" Leo asked, eyes shining with worry. "Why?"
"Because all I've ever done is cause worry for people. And my mother wants me to become some sort of super soldier. If she somehow forces me to kill others, I don't think I'd ever be able to live with myself." Tears began to form in her eyes. "I'd rather die than hurt others."
"No!" The boy lunged forward, wrapping his short arms around her shoulder. "You can't die! You need to live so you can prove your mother wrong and save people instead!"
"Save people?"
"Yeah! Save so many people that you can overshadow whatever your mother had planned for you! You can discover cures for diseases and save everyone!"
Shepard leaned against him, putting her head on his shoulder. "Save everyone, huh?" Her gaze lifted again, to see the shooting stars. "I wish that no matter what happens, I can save everyone I can within my power."
~0~0~0~0~0~
"I have to live," Shepard said quietly. "I have to save everyone I can. For that wish I made years ago. And for the ones I haven't been able to save."
Javik nodded slowly, noting her change in language. "Then why do you not tell him all of this?"
"He doesn't want to me to go into any dangerous for any reason," she explained with a sigh. "But I have to help everyone."
"You are saying he won't understand?"
"Yeah."
The Prothean sighed quietly, tapping his fingers loudly against his armor. "Then what shall you do?"
"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I need more time to think."
"The primitives are waiting outside for your answer. They are worrying."
"Upset because you don't have your basins?" she asked with a weak smirk.
He growled low. "Their emotions are overwhelming."
"I'm sure there are ponds around the garden somewhere."
"I will not use that filth," he retorted, narrowing all four eyes.
Shepard raised her hands in mock defeat. "Alright. You win." She managed a smile. "Thanks for talking with me, Javik. I just need a little more time to think. I'll be back out soon."
The Prothean nodded slowly. "We shall be waiting."
The Commander sat in the chair besides the make-up stand, resting her head on it and closing her eyes. She had to think.
~ Break ~
"W-where am I?" Shepard called out, scanning the forest. The trees were in full bloom, and the benches seemed as bright as they had when she'd met her child self her before. But what was she doing here now? She didn't have time to be trapped in this dream world. There were people waiting for her to make a decision and give them her answer!
"Hey, Commander."
Shepard jumped, spinning around. A young woman with sleep black was sitting on a nearby bench, a tulip from a bush twirling in her fingertips. Brown eyes regarded her thoughtfully, but were shining brightly. Her blue armor seemed out of place in the fairy-tale like forest, but she was smiling nonetheless. The biggest surprise for Shepard wasn't the armor. It was the woman wearing it.
"Ash?"
"The one and only," the woman replied, moving her gaze to the flower resting in her fingertips.
"B-but what are you doing here?"
"Right now?" Ashley chuckled, placing the tulip on the bench before standing. "I came to talk to you."
"That doesn't make any sense," Shepard warned, narrowing her eyes. "I was... I saw what happened on Virmire. Joker said there was no one you could have survived."
"She is not the only one here," a gravelly, yet extremely comforting, voice said from her right.
Shepard spun on her heels, spotting the Drell. His dark eyes studied her curiously, but he was smiling just the same.
"Thane?!"
"Hm," he hummed calmly. "You seem more distressed than usual. What is the matter?"
"Well, for one, two of my dead teammates are standing before me! Breathing! I watched both of you die. It's haunted me ever since it happened. I could barely stand the nightmares. What are you doing here? Now of all times?"
"What's wrong, Shep?" Another voice asked from behind her.
"Dad!" Shepard spun around, eyes widening in surprise. "Y-you're here too?"
Anderson smiled, walking over to Ashley and Thane. "Of course, Shep. We're always here for you."
The woman sniffled a few times before falling to her knees and sobbing. "I'm... so... sorry," she managed through the sobs as she tried to stop hyperventilating. "I... couldn't... save... you... three... No matter... what I did... nothing helped." She wiped the tears away, slowing her breathing. "I couldn't some of the most important people to me!"
"Calm down, Siha," Thane said in his calming, scratchy voice. "You can't save everyone."
"He's got a point, Commander," Ashley said with a slight chuckle. "You stopped Saren, right? And the Collectors. And the Reapers." She smiled happily. "You saved so many."
"But this isn't the reason we're here," Anderson added. "What's wrong, Shep? You've saved the galaxy and yet you don't seem happy at all."
Shepard leaned back, pulling her knees to her chest, continuing to sniffle. "I made a promise and a wish years ago to protect everyone I possibly could. Now I have to choose between that wish and the person I love."
Ashley tilted her head curiously. "Is that why you're in a wedding dress?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah," Shepard said with a nod, just barely realizing she was wearing it here too. Why did she have to wear the ridiculous thing in her own subconscious dream too?
Thane knelt down, putting a hand on her shoulder. "It is okay, Siha. Did you ask your heart what it wants? Or have you only asked your mind?"
The Commander sniffled a few times as she thought. "My heart?"
Anderson smiled. "You've always put others before yourself, Shep. Always. Now try putting yourself first. What is it you want?"
"What if I'm too selfish?"
"What do you mean by that, Commander?"
Shepard glanced at Ashley. "I want both. I want to be able to help people the best I can but I want his love too." She sniffed. "But I was given an ultimatum. One or the other."
Thane squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "We can't always have everything, Siha."
"I know, but I want both."
"Siha." Thane pointed towards the left side of her chest with his free hand. "Look here and decide what you want."
"The crew will support you," Ashley said with a smirk. "They always have and always will, Commander."
"You will always have the trust and love of all of them, Shep."
"And we will always support you as well, Siha." Thane stood, removing the warm hand from her bare shoulder. "Good luck, Siha."
Shepard watched as the three smiling figures slowly faded into nothingness. With a new resolve she stood, ignoring the tears tugging at the edges of her eyes.
"Thank you, Thane. Thank you, Ash. Thank you, dad. I know what I want to do."
~0~0~0~0~0~
"So," Aurora said slowly. "What happened?"
All eyes in the room were on the Prothean.
"Why would I tell you, primitive?"
A collective sigh sounded throughout the gardens.
Liara took a step forward. "Is there something really important we should know about?"
"The Commander said she would be out soon," he said cryptically, refusing to elaborate.
As if on cue, the sound of a door opening echoed into the gardens. Shepard stepped out of the hallway and into the open area. Everyone was dead silent.
"Shepard?" Garrus managed, hurt tugging at his heart strings. With good reason.
The Commander had changed out of her wedding dress. She was now in the familiar N7 sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. Combat boots adorned her feet and her face was hard set, lips pressed tightly together. Her golden eyes were fierce, but slightly red from crying.
"Garrus," Shepard said in response, voice firm and emotionless. When no response came, she calmly walked past everyone to reach her fiance. "This is my answer," she said calmly. "Years ago I made a promise to always save as many people as I possible could. I do not need an ultimatum from the man I love if it means I have to break that promise. I do what I do to save people. I may not have been able to everyone, like Ash, Thane, and my father, but I sure as hell with do what I can to make up for that. Noblesse Oblige. If you have the power to help, but don't, you are committing a sin. By getting rid of rogue Cerberus and Reaper factions I made the galaxy every bit safer for the people I care about." Her face was still emotionless, her voice following the same pattern. "I will keep that promise. I promised Ash. I promised Thane. I promised my father."
Most of the crew felt something tug at their hearts. Sympathy and a new found respect for Shepard as well as some more anger against Garrus. They knew there was no way he would have known, but he should have discussed it more before jumping to conclusions, right?
"S-Shep, I-"
"I'll be in the ship," she interrupted, obviously unimpressed with him.
Cortez followed her as she headed outside. "I'll drive, Commander."
"I'm coming too!" Solana burst out, running after them.
Aurora followed too. "Wait, sis!"
Joker sighed audibly. "Commander! Wait just a second!" He limped after the group.
Javik followed wordlessly, opting to continue to be around her so he could protect the one creature in the cycle was the most Prothean like.
Garrus watched silently as the group climbed into the shuttle. No words came to his mouth.
Vakarian was the one to speak. "Remember when you were nineteen?" he asked quietly, not waiting for an answer. "I told you I didn't want you to do anything reckless again."
"When I got hurt trying to protect Shep from that guy on the Citadel," the Turian replied, mandibles tight to his face in surprise.
"Yes. And she got stabbed because you did something reckless. You made up for it. I don't think you can make up for this one, son."