CLEANED UP

Clean up notes for this chapter: A slight re-arrangement... I pushed a major scene off to later in the story; I felt putting it in where it originally was would be rushing the romance plot, and I'd rather take my time. Meow.

Disclaimer: I don't own Jak and Daxter.

Vacation Or War
Chapter Thirty Eight- Decisions

Torn hadn't been present at the underground when Jak dropped Loor off, and that was just as well with her. She didn't even want to try to explain to him why she wasn't currently fit for duty... she was still having trouble explaining it to herself.

She felt as if she'd destroyed part of herself for the sake of survival. Memories were fuzzy, and if asked she couldn't even guess as to how many shots she fired or how many actually hit. Still, she didn't need to have the images in her head, didn't need the memory, to know what she'd done.

She had taken human life. It was an act she didn't think herself capable of, and even now she felt as if she'd go mad for it. Emotions were coursing through her that left her helpless and confused, shocked and lost. She didn't so much walk into the underground as she did drift, first sitting on her bunk and then finding herself back in that corner, curled up around her pillow.

She hated this feeling. She wanted to shut it out, but it was far too overwhelming. At first she feared, but her usual reflexes took over.

Unable to dismiss it, she turned to rage. Angry energy grew in her as she refused to feel sad or guilty. It wasn't her fault; she had to do what she'd done. There was hope of her getting home still; if she wanted to survive she had to defend herself. That was all she was doing. And she didn't even remember most of it. What did it matter?

Why should she feel guilt over such lives? Why feel anything?

Logically, she had done what was needed to continue on. Nothing more. It didn't need to be an emotional experience. Like shoving Lyra out of her awareness, she did the same with her emotions. There was no need to cry, to curl up like a child. She was denied such comforts now, and it was about time to get used to it.

If she didn't, she would be overwhelmed. There was no other way.

By the time she'd decided such, she had left her bunk and been pacing up and down the space between the bunks. She was thankful for the time to think, considering her options once more, and the current progress of events. Jak and Daxter would soon have the whole seal, which meant they'd either be finding the tomb tonight or the next morning. She guessed the next morning; Torn hadn't been in contact with them since that morning, and he would betray the underground when the tomb was found.

Torn will oust them all to save Ashelin's ass. Loor, of course, was left with a choice. Would she be with them when they opened the tomb and get captured with the others, or find some excuse to get away? The first option was not a pleasant one, but she didn't want to lie to the boys... they'd get suspicious again. Jak knew not to ask questions, but Daxter's prying still worried her. There was only so long before she'd get angry or annoyed and break.

She then realized the perfect opportunity was already in her lap; Ryan. He was going to have her device delivered to Vin; she could easily excuse herself at any time to go pick it up... she just had to make sure Torn didn't know where she'd vanished off to. She'd take the VC-M1 to Keira so the two of them could look at it when that hunk of precursor junk showed up.

With those two devices in her hands, she had a chance of figuring out exactly what happened. Perhaps even how to get things to work in reverse. The only wild card was Onin, who still hadn't contacted her since their first meeting. The old woman had seemed to think she'd be able to help, but Loor didn't have enough understanding of what the crone was actually capable of to count on her.

She stopped pacing with a smile. Despite everything, things were actually looking up for once.

She yelped as her comm. unit went off, feeling the buzz against her hip. Thanking goodness there was no one in the underground to see that, she pulled the little device and found that the trouble twins were calling her.

"Hey." She greeted while answering, the video feed showing Daxter's fuzzy mug. "You two find that last piece?"

"Yeah!" Daxter was grinning. "Onin told us where to take it, but Jakkie-boy wants to hold off till tomorrow morning. Figures something big is gonna happen, and wants to give Torn the heads-up before we go charging ahead. I say we go now and who cares what the tattooed wonder says, but hey, as long as I'm getting free rides everywhere I can't complain."

"Right." Loor resisted on making a crack on how Dax always complained. "So what are you guys doing now?"

"Visiting back at the Hip Hog. Jak didn't want me to bother you, but I say it's rude not to invite a lady!"

Though he was off of the screen, Loor heard Jak's voice.

"Only if she's feeling up to it."

"I'm fine." She giggled. "I'll be right down."

"Loor!"

Tess was the first to greet Loor as she arrived at the Hip Hog, since she was the only one in the place that faced the door. The ebony haired girl actually gave pause as she came in the door, shocked to find other people populating the place. Jak and Daxter had still taken the popular place at the bar, Sig with them as well. Still, it made the place generally noisy with chatter.

Speaking of Jak and Daxter, both looked at her at once. There were welcoming smiles, but also concern. She hadn't been in good shape when she left them.

As if to set them at ease, she practically flounced up to the bar. Daxter had been standing on one of the stools to save it for her, hopping up to the counter and letting her sit. "This place is crowded." She commented.

"Just the usual evening crowd." Tess assured, leaning on the counter and petting Daxter. "Though Krew is usually around at this time... He's been vanishing a lot lately, and I'm still not sure how he gets out of here."

"Any idea where he's disappearing to?" Loor asked.

"Not really, and of course he doesn't tell me. I'm just a barmaid. It's really strange though; he does most of his business here, making people come to him."

"What are you guys doing, talking biz?" Daxter asked, frowning. "C'mon, Loor. You got that look on your face again; you've been thinking too much!"

"Yes, but for once my thoughts aren't upsetting me. Isn't that positive?" Loor snickered at the ottsel.

"I'd say drinks all around, but Jak decided he's gonna be a party pooper." Daxter huffed, looking up at Tess. "I can't believe the people I work with. I really can't."

"Actually... it makes sense." Loor pointed out. "I mean... you boys are going to do something big tomorrow. Best condition possible would be favorable, no? No good to get drunk beforehand and end up hungover the next day."

"No good to go in all tense, either!" Dax crossed his fuzzy arms over his chest. "Lemme guess, you're gonna stay sober too!"

She snickered. "Sorry to break it to ya, Dax. If all goes as planned, I got a big day tomorrow too, and I need this noggin firing on all cylinders."

The ottsel eventually pouted. "You all suck."

"Take it easy, chilli pepper." Sig had been watching the exchange till now, chuckling at Daxter's sulky posture. "I'll share a bottle with you." The big wastelander then turned his gaze upon Loor. "Heard you had a rough day, cherry. Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really..." She stretched her arms up over her head. "The experience was... well, I won't call it positive, but constructive to say the least. Honestly, this isn't my scene... but while I'm down here I think I'll skip over to the gun course and get a little practice in."

"You know how to set it up?" Sig asked.

"I'll show her." Jak volunteered, getting up.

"You sure?" Loor asked while standing up as well. "I don't wanna drag you away..."

"I could use a round of practice too." He snickered at her, motioning with his head. "C'mon."

She didn't argue any more, walking in front of him and leading the way out of the bar and back onto the street.

"Never thought I'd see you wanting to go to the gun course." Jak noted as they turned to walk along said street.

She shrugged, hooking her thumbs on her belt. "Call it... a reality check. I knew it was serious before... I understood that much in my mind. Now... It's more than understanding it. It's committing to it."

"You make it sound like you don't have a choice."

"No... I know I do. But I decided to stick with you guys." She shrugged slightly. "In that decision, I had to learn."

They'd arrived at the gun course, she drawing out her pistol and checking the ammunition. "You wanna go first?" She asked without looking up, listening to the door close. "You can show me the controls, and then you can do your session and go back to the others."

"I'm in no hurry."

Her head popped up as she felt his hands on her shoulders. It left her blinking, aware of him being close to her, his head leaned next to hers. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked. "I... can't put myself in your shoes. Escaping prison... killing the guards in my way was an act of rage. After that... I just kinda go dead while I'm working. It never disturbed me that badly. I forgot what it was like... forgot it wasn't so easy."

She stood for a moment before leaning back on him, hefting a long sigh. "It's a fucked up place to be. But like I told Sig... it's going to help me in the future. I don't like it... the thought was too disturbing to deal with... so I just shoved it off. I... I figure I'll get used to it."

"You don't have to."

She was a little shocked by how quickly he said that; like he was trying to protect her. And maybe he was. He'd forgotten in his years within the fortress what it was like to be innocent, where the biggest deal from day to day was where to go play and what to snack on between meals. Maybe he'd just realized that was where she was coming from... and didn't want her to sacrifice that just to stick with him.

"You're the one who wanted me to stick with you and Dax." She pointed out. "You saying I'm not as good of a partner as you thought?"

"You're fine... you're learning quickly, getting better with every mission... but-"

"Jak." She cut him off, turning her head to look at him. "Don't worry. That's my job."

"You still got a shot at getting back to where you came from... it's not going to be the same if you're a different person when you get there."

She wasn't sure what to say at that, still standing there with her pistol in hand, enjoying how close he was to her. She wanted to tell him off on various levels, how that 'shot at getting home' was more like half a shot, and how she was still trying to decide if going home was even worth it... or how different she looked from the person she was when she left. She was older now, and she felt as if her brain had caught up with her body that day.

But she couldn't say any of that. Not without sparking his curiosity, only to have to shut him down on the very next turn of conversation.

"I like being with you." He said as she stood in silence. "I just..."

"It's already too late." She shrugged his hands off, putting her gun away while facing him head on. "Saving the kid in me... she's already dead. And that's not your fault. You didn't drag me out there. I could have stopped anywhere, and you would have let me. Now is not the time to... try and salvage the past."

"You knew, didn't you?" He asked. "What we were heading for... why didn't you bail on us?"

"I thought I would only need to run, not fight. I was careless... but I learned a lesson besides 'don't get cocky.' Just because I know where this train is going... don't mean I get to sit back and watch. I'm either in or out. And I decided to be in." She then broke from her serious tone, flashing him a smile. "Anyway... you think I'm going to give up watching you in action to go hide in a safe-house somewhere? I don't think so."

He blinked at her a few times, and then smirked. "I'll take the gun course first, and we'll see if you can get anywhere close to my score."

"And if I can't?" She asked with a sly smile as he turned to go to the manual controls, following him to see how it worked.

"See if I can't give you a few tips and make you do it again."

"Uh-huh..." She felt like grousing. Sure, she wanted to run through once or twice just to say she was working on it, but she still doubted her ability to compete with him in this field. "And if I don't want to?"

"You agreed to let me teach you until you can beat me in hand-to-hand. It's either run the course or try and pin me down again." He was looking over his shoulder at her, taking on a rather playful expression. "Could offer you a few tips in that area too."

She growled, but decided to let it go for the moment.

As she had said herself; she'd decided to be in this. She needed to get good at it now.

The Author's Corner

NEW CHAPTER! YARG!

Kehehehe... Oh the evil plans that are to come in the future...

BUT I'M NOT TELLING!

-Loor