Chapter 35 BF

Nathan's memories had left Stefan with a lot to think about. Bonnie had called, finally feeling better herself and had advised she would be over in a few hours to talk to them. She wanted to know their side of what had happened so she could ensure they were ok and not still under threat from Grandma wolf.

Stefan's unsettled stomach continued and Nathan helped him into bed. As soon as Stefan climbed in beside Damon, Damon reached out and curled into him, nuzzling him. Nathan stepped back, a look of longing passing over his face for a second and Stefan thanked him.

"You guarded us. When we were in the lounge after the spell. You stayed beside us."

Nathan nodded at Stefan's memories returning.

"Thank you."

"You're my pack." Nathan said softly.

"We always will be." Stefan yawned.

"Sleep. I'll talk to Bonnie."

Stefan nodded and closed his eyes.

He'd never felt so tired. Damon's scent surrounded him and he relaxed utterly, his stomach calming down to a flutter rather than a heaving sensation. He lay somewhere in between sleep and alertness as he relived Nathan's memories in pieces. Damon snuggled his face into his neck, rousing him slightly and bit down to feed. Stefan exhaled and felt his loins burn at the wave. He moaned and gyrated slightly, encouraging Damon to waken.

Love.

Love you my black haired one.

Stefan shuddered as he realised that affectionate term for him had come from his animal brain. He tightened his hold on Damon as he tried to remember. Flashes came back and began to mix with Nathan's memories before he could control it. Damon flinched and withdrew from his neck, hovering above him as he felt their connection vibrate. Damon was watching too and Stefan couldn't control his sensor. Damon was seeing everything, even Nathan being inside of him, pleasuring him. He grunted and tried to slow everything down but Damon held him down and growled. He wanted to see it all.

They both panted once it was over and Damon held him tight, pinned down on the bed as he got his head around it. Stefan opened his eyes and looked up at him. Damon looked torn.

Love.

Stefan channelled and Damon sat up and turned his back. Stefan sat up after him in fear.

"We had cubs." Damon mumbled.

Stefan breathed a sigh of relief that he should pick that memory to fixate on.

"Yeah."

"Why…" Damon swallowed thickly and Stefan stroked his back. "Why didn't you want me those times?"

"You know why. You saw my memories." Stefan whispered.

"I want to hear you say it." Damon said, still with his back turned.

"I thought you were too violent." Stefan admitted. "Too angry and unpredictable."

"You thought I'd hurt you and the cubs."

"I…yes." Stefan mumbled and Damon's shoulders slumped. "I was an animal. I didn't know you."

"You did know me. It's who I am Stefan." Damon said tightly and Stefan wrapped his arms around him, kissing the back of his neck.

"No, Damon. Not anymore. You're so much more than that."

"No I'm not." Damon argued. "It's exactly who I am."

"I'm too tired to argue." Stefan sighed and pulled back to lie down.

"If I had just done what I wanted this would never have happened." Damon mumbled.

"What are you talking about?"

"I should have just stuffed you in the trunk and got the hell out of here as soon as they started arriving."

"Yeah right." Stefan said dismissively and Damon turned to look at him.

"You're mine and I let you be fucked by someone else because I was too busy dancing around your feelings."

Stefan sat up again.

"And you think that forcing me to do what you wanted would have been better?"

"This wouldn't have happened!" Damon growled and Stefan shook his head. "You've forced me into enough things."

That hurt. Stefan gasped wounded, but for a change Damon didn't soften. He stared him out.

"I've never forced you to do anything." He croaked.

"Bullshit." Damon said simply.

Stefan didn't know to say.

"Why do you always get to choose? Huh?" Damon was on a roll. "You made me a vampire even when I begged you to let me die."

Stefan huffed and climbed out of the bed hurriedly. They'd had this argument before and they'd vowed they were passed it, that they'd made a clean break from the past.

"You locked me up and forced me to have sex with you and we mated. Then you forced me to accept it too."

"Stop it!" Stefan shouted as tears began to threaten. "Why are you saying this?"

"You rejected me loads of times, but when I decide something for us, you always get your way anyway."

"What's wrong with you?!"

"I've had enough!" Damon shouted. "I've had enough. I fought for you and lost, but even when you were free of him, you still rejected me. Only when you decided I was going enough did you allow me to have you."

Stefan held himself and put some distance between them. His stomach clenched painfully and he swallowed bile.

"Just admit it." Damon mumbled after a few minutes.

"What that I am the bad guy? This horrible person who forced you into every decision you've ever made?" Stefan said bitterly.

"You manipulate me to get what you want. You always have." Damon said calmly.

Stefan choked.

"You always get to decide."

"If I've done things to make that happen, it's because I love you and sometimes you don't think." He whispered and Damon snorted.

"Even after all of this time, you're still trying to make me more like you. Trying to shape me when there's nothing wrong with who I am Stefan. I'm just this."

"I know who you are."

"Tell me then. Come on." Damon prompted.

Stefan exhaled and wiped some tears, rubbing his stomach.

"You're mine." Stefan croaked and Damon huffed.

"That's up for debate." Damon said and Stefan looked at him, vibrating his fear and agony through their connection.

What did he mean by that?

"Go on." Damon folded his arms, waiting.

"You're passionate, hot headed and unpredictable. You're strong and ruthless and selfish sometimes." Stefan said and Damon nodded. "You don't think about other people's feelings, you do what you want whether it's right or not. You're stubborn and cruel sometimes."

"Keep going."

"You're angry, bitter about old grievances. You can't let anything go!" Stefan found himself becoming more emotional as he continued. "You always have to feel like you're in control or you hurt people, you break things."

"Warmer."

"You don't think before you act. You pretend not to love people but you do, you're just so intent on being the strongest most impenetrable one here that you act out to make everyone hate you."

Stefan stopped and panted.

"So why the hell do you love me Stefan?" Damon leaned forward calmly.

"Damon…" He let tears slide.

"What? Don't tell me you never wondered. I know I have." Damon said and Stefan shook his head dismissively. "I am all of those things. You know what you are?"

Stefan looked to him and frowned.

"You are my little brother."

"What?" Stefan mumbled in surprise.

They hadn't talked about themselves in this capacity for a long time. Why was he bringing it up now?

"My little brother who always needed me. Who had to play the games I played, to date the woman I did, to love the things I did. Even now, you're still doing it."

"What are you talking about?"

"You need me. You need someone else around you to feel whole and righteous. Even though you knew you'd put her in danger by being here, you still pursued Elena. You needed her to feel alive and now you need me. The mating was convenient really. It ensures I'll never leave you."

"I love you." Stefan argued.

"I know you do, but there is still a part of you that can't accept me, so you use how much I love you to make me behave."

"Doesn't everyone do that in a relationship?" Stefan argued.

"Not in the one I want." Damon said and Stefan stared at him. "I love you Stefan. I see who you are and you piss me off sometimes but I wouldn't change you. I want you to love me like that."

Stefan moved to the chair and sat down.

"I never meant to manipulate you." He whispered. "Sometimes you're so hard. You don't think of the bigger picture. I feel like I have to stop you from hurting yourself, from hurting other people."

"I know, but I'd rather we fight about it than you make me feel like I have no choices."

"You chose to work through this after Klaus." Stefan looked over at him. "It was your decision for us to stay mated."

"Because you were so desperate. You said you couldn't be my brother again." Damon softened and Stefan thought on it. "I love you too much to see you in that pain."

"So, what? Is this ever going to work? I can't change who I am and you can't change who you are."

Damon gave a sad shrug.

"Are you saying this is over?" Stefan held his chest and Damon swallowed.

"I don't know." Damon wilted and lay down again as Stefan held his tears in.

This felt final, like the end of the world. They'd broken up before but this felt different. Damon was too calm.

"Damon, I…" He croaked and then stopped himself.

He didn't need to tell him how much he loved him and couldn't live without him. Damon knew. This was what Damon had been talking about. He could easily guilt Damon into taking it all back and making love to forget they'd had this conversation. Just a little blood and sex would have them vibrating and obsessed with each other once again, but Damon would know deep inside that he'd been played. His feelings were real, as real as the love he felt too and they needed to be addressed. Simply making an agreement over moving on and not dragging their emotional baggage around, wasn't an option anymore. They should have talked about everything from the past when they'd first mated, but Stefan had said that they couldn't be together if Damon was going to blame him.

Damon had wanted him so much, he'd agreed and that had led to him feeling as though he'd had little choice. That lack of choice had gotten him captured and experimented on. Once they were better and safe again, Stefan had tried to force them to bond even though Damon had said he didn't want to. It had caused him to flee and then Stefan had left him. It was just the beginning of the pile really and Stefan had never seen it from that perspective before. Did he manipulate people?

He'd never meant to. Never.

"I don't want to lose you." He said instead and Damon looked at him, turning onto his side. "But I love you and I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"I'm not a victim here Stefan, don't you get that? That's always the mistake you make. I've done just as wrong by you as you have me."

"No…"

"Yes I have! God, just admit it!" Damon said angrily and Stefan swallowed and nodded. "You hate me a little, because I've killed people you loved. I enjoyed it. I got us caught in Chicago and refused to mate with you even though I knew how badly you wanted it. I didn't care, because I didn't want to and then when I came back here I didn't care if you agreed to mate again. I was going to keep you in that cellar till you either gave in or we both decayed, because I wanted you. How does that make you feel?" Damon sat up again, challenging Stefan's anger.

"Why are you..?"

"I enjoyed Mike." He blurted out. "I fucked him left right and sideways. I filled him up and made a few little Salvatores in him. How does that make you feel Stefan?"

"Stop it." Stefan gritted his teeth.

"Tell me you love me now Stefan. Go on. Go one you fucking coward and just be honest for the first time in your life!"

"Stop it!"

"And another thing, stop trying to make me feel bad about the imaginary kids inside Mike that weren't even real. I won't ever because I don't give a damn."

Damon didn't have much strength but he used his sharp words like a whip.

"And what about ours? I was pregnant too. Don't you give a damn about them?!"

Damon scoffed and Stefan held his stomach pointedly. Damon shook his head slowly.

"They weren't real." Damon said coldly.

"They were inside of me!" Stefan shouted loudly. "I felt them move! I felt life inside of me growing." Stefan shouted again, almost delirious and Damon paled and licked his lips. "I had our children growing inside of me and you don't give a damn?"

"No." Damon said harshly and looked away from him and Stefan dove for him, pulling him from the bed onto the floor as they fought with each other.

"I hate you! You bastard!" Stefan sobbed and Damon collapsed into the floor weakly. "I hate you." Stefan punched his face and made him cough and spit some blood out from a split in his lip.

Stefan paused horrified and whispered an apology. Fighting wasn't going to solve anything here. Damon was already poorly. Damon's brutish behaviour was rubbing off on him. He whimpered and lay his head on Damon's chest and Damon made no move to hold him.

"I hate that you didn't want me as much as I wanted you right from the start of the spell. Because I did. Even when I was with Mike, I couldn't stop thinking about you and I didn't even know you Stefan."

Stefan let a tear slide down onto Damon's chest.

"You never thought of me." Damon croaked in pain and Stefan softened in sympathy. "When you did, it was just because your heat was full on and Mike was gone. You never fought for me Stefan."

"No." Stefan lifted his head and looked down at him. "That's not true. You felt it. I was just afraid of you. I'm always afraid of you. Of what you might do if you lose your head."

Damon nodded in acceptance of that and closed his eyes.

"You're temper scares me Damon and even as an animal I could sense it in you. Once I saw that you were forlorn over Mike I realised there was more to you than that and you could love me and love our cubs."

They sniffled for a few minutes, becoming emotional.

"I would have loved them Stefan." Damon finally whispered and Stefan stroked his hand into Damon's hair. "I did. All of them." He added in a softer whisper.

"That's the emotion I wanted to see." Stefan gave a sad smile. "It's ok to feel loss Damon. You had babies and now they're gone."

Damon struggled with the emotion but nodded, squeezing his eyes closed.

"I hate your damn empathy. It drives me insane." He grumbled and Stefan gave a small chuckle. "I hate your constant inability to think beyond Mystic Falls when there's a whole world out there." He added as an afterthought and Stefan raised an eyebrow.

"I hate how much I have to think about whether you're going to be rude or hurt someone if you're angry." Stefan whispered and buried his face into Damon's chest.

It felt oddly therapeutic, laying here and telling each other how much they hated each other. It was good because there was so much they loved too and it was finally ok to admit that there were both emotions in a relationship. Damon let tears roll down his cheeks and he held Stefan to him.

"I hate that you're so good, that being a better person is more important to you than what I want for us."

Stefan lifted his head again and looked at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to be here anymore Stefan. I love Elena and Rick and Liz, but this isn't my life. This is yours."

"You don't want to stay here?" Stefan swallowed.

"I never wanted this. I stayed here for you." He admitted and Stefan hung his head.

"I didn't give you much choice. I wanted so badly to stay here, to rebuild my life here. Capture some of what we'd lost."

"We died here a long time ago Stefan. That life is gone forever. You have to let the past go. We could do anything, be anywhere." Damon said softly.

"What are we going to do?"

"That depends." Damon sighed.

"On what?"

"On whether you can accept me as I am."

"I can."

"No, think about this Stefan. I'm talking about you accepting that I might go off the rails from time to time. I might kill people if they piss me off. I will kill anyone who tries to hurt you. Can you deal with that?"

"Can you deal with the fact that I will never stop believing that you can be a better person? That I'll never lose hope you can be?"

They both looked into each other's eyes.

"Can two opposites ever meet in the middle?" Stefan whispered.

"It depends where the middle is." Damon commented.

"I want to be there."

"So do I."

"Then let's try." Stefan urged. "Let's find the middle together. I can promise to always tell you what I think about you."

"Hmmn." Damon said, disbelieving and Stefan huffed.

"And you have to promise to never let me force you into anything. We have to be equal."

"We'll never be equal in our past Stefan." Damon pointed out and Stefan bit his lip.

"We can be equal in our love. I want that."

"Me too."

"I feel like I've been nothing but a sex toy lately." Stefan confessed and Damon frowned. "You both fought over me like meat."

"You were so much more than that."

"That's how I feel." Stefan said tightly and Damon nodded. "Even before the spell kicked in and took our minds from us, you treated me like I was your property."

"When?" Damon defended.

"You kept taking control in bed."

"You wanted me to."

"My body was mutating. My body is still different and I'm scared. I'm scared that you're always going to want me like a baby machine."

"That's crazy Stefan. You know I don't care who's inside who." Damon said and Stefan hung his head.

"I don't feel like a man anymore. I'm something else, some experiment gone wrong."

"Hey, hey." Damon brought their mouths together. "Your my little blood machine. If you want to change your body back, we'll find a way."

They kissed softly, wrapping their arms around each other. It was gentle and romantic. They both felt so raw from their words to each other, their confessions. Damon tilted his mouth upwards into Stefan's and opened his mouth to his tongue. Stefan felt aroused. Make up sex was the best. He grew hard against him and Damon opened his legs, making him pull their mouths apart.

"You'll always be a man little blood machine. With just the equipment I want." Damon whispered seductively and Stefan grinned and began to kiss him again, this time with more passion.

He fumbled, undoing Damon's jeans and pulling them down and off of his legs. Damon bit his bottom lip in a sultry fashion, making all of the blood rush out of it for a second before releasing it and making it red and plump again. Stefan resumed their kissing and opened Damon's legs. Damon was warm and hard. It felt like it had been such a long time since Stefan had been inside of him. He was beyond excited.

He bit Damon's lip and growled, pulling up again as he undid his fly and pulled his erection out. He used to really enjoy taking Damon with clothes on. He loved the friction burns on Damon's skin afterwards. Damon let out a little purr as Stefan ran his finger against his entrance and pushed inwards slightly.

"God I want you." Stefan breathed. "I want to fuck you till you're sore."

"Fill me up." Damon closed his eyes and smiled as Stefan pushed his fingers deep inside of him.

Stefan growled in lust and pulled his fingers out, replacing them with his manhood. He pushed gently inside and Damon let out a gasp as he was stretched. He held Stefan for support as Stefan filled him to the brink and rested there. Damon's eyes were wide with the sensation and Stefan kissed along his jaw.

"Missed me in here, didn't you? No more hogging my insides Damon." Stefan chuckled and rolled his hips.

"Fuck." Damon drooled.

"My turn for a while." Stefan whispered into his ear and Damon moaned.

Stefan began to move slowly, filled with the elation of being inside. Damon panted and moaned with each thrust, bringing his legs around Stefan's back and holding on while he was taken. Stefan slid his hands under Damon's bottom and tilted his hips to get deeper and Damon cried out as he brushed his prostate.

"Cry for me Damon." Stefan panted.

This was important, they had to join right now, but it was more than that. Stefan had had his identity taken from him by force. He wasn't sure who he was anymore. He was some third gender with no identity. Until this experience he and Damon had always shared their sexual experience, neither being the top or bottom. They'd always changed and pleasured each other fully, but lately everything had been about getting Stefan pregnant. Stefan needed this. He needed to feel like he was a man again, that he could be in control. That Damon could beg to be taken by him, filled and stretched and made to cry. He needed that more than anything to restore the balance.

Damon was so vocal, it was as though Stefan had become the best lover in the world. He paused for a few seconds, breathing and checking through their connection that Damon wasn't faking it. Damon panted, cheeks rosy as he melted into the floor and lay waiting for Stefan's next move. Stefan detected no deception from him at all. Perhaps Damon had simply missed being taken as much as Stefan had missed being on top.

"I love you, black haired one." Stefan kissed into his neck and Damon gave a small chuckle. "How much do you want me to cum in you right now?"

Damon moaned and gyrated.

"Hmmn?"

"Stefan…" Damon trembled and tightened his hold on him.

"You want me to fill you?"

"Yes."

"You want to grow my babies in there?" Stefan began to move and Damon mewled and tilted his head right back. "I'll fuck my babies into you this time."

He got carried away, making Damon cry out as much as possible until Damon had climaxed a few times and was struggling to stay awake. Still, Stefan whispered in his ear lustful thoughts and changed his position every time Damon seemed to desensitize. He wanted to get stuck inside of him, just as Damon had in him, but there was no contracting of muscles inside of Damon that was any different from normal. Damon's body was still normal.

Damon tossed his head back into Stefan's shoulder as Stefan slid into him from behind.

"Claim me." He cried out and tilted his neck.

Stefan felt his heart speed up and he bit down into Damon's neck and stayed there growling with his teeth in. Damon melted and Stefan poured his semen inside of him. He held onto him for dear life as he rode it out.

"Fuck, fuck..!" He struggled with the pleasure and Damon cooed at him to let it go.

He cried out and thrusted inside once more before he relaxed and sagged back into the floor. Damon gave half delirious chuckles that shook Stefan's body and kept him from falling asleep.

"Trying to catch up?" Damon chuckled and Stefan sighed happily.

"Have to even the playing field."

"Hmmn. No argument from me."

Stefan squeezed him to him and felt himself soften and slide out of Damon's body. He let Damon roll over and inspect himself. Damon was so full of Stefan's seed it was trailing down his inside leg now and he was a sticky mess. Stefan bit his buttock and licked his back happy. Damon purred.

"What's that smell?" Damon asked and Stefan sniffed the air.

"You, debauched." Stefan joked and Damon rolled onto his side to face him.

"No, it's…" Damon looked puzzled and then he realised, rolling Stefan onto his stomach.

"What?" Stefan smiled and Damon pulled his jeans down and off too.

Stefan was wet at his entrance from the arousal.

"You're wet." Damon said and sniffed his entrance in appreciation.

Stefan tensed and looked back at him.

"You like it don't you?"

"It smells so good." Damon said and ran his tongue up the cleft, collecting some of it.

Stefan shuddered and moaned, closing his eyes.

"Feels good too huh?" Damon asked and Stefan blushed and tried to fight with himself. "Stefan it doesn't make you weaker. This is just another part of your body that I could really enjoy."

Damon licked his lips and inhaled his skin.

"It means I'm not a guy." Stefan struggled with how much he wanted Damon to continue to lick there.

"Male, female, vampire, wolf - who knows what the fuck we are. I don't care if we are mutant aliens. I love every inch of you." Damon comforted and Stefan bit his lip. "Let me lick you. Please?"

Stefan huffed, but wanted him too, despite his reservations. He nodded and Damon opened his legs and began. Stefan muffled his moans into the mattress below. Damon's tongue against the soft sensitive tissue felt amazing. The new nerves in his body responded immediately and made his stomach flutter.

"Uh, uhh." He moaned and Damon licked inside, pushing his tongue deeper.

The sounds Damon's mouth and tongue made against him, were so erotic Stefan opened his legs wider, urging Damon to mount him. Damon pulled back, breathing heavily and kissed up his back.

"Stefan…" He whispered sounding drunk.

"Uh." Stefan moaned, feeling Damon's erection rub against his entrance.

"I want you, but we don't have to until you're ready."

"Yes!" Stefan cried out and Damon chuckled and settled onto Stefan's back, guiding his manhood inside of him and making Stefan cry out in satisfaction.

"We move together." Damon licked his neck and Stefan nodded, flexing his hips back and forth into Damon behind him.

Damon held himself still and let Stefan take control as he kissed his skin. Stefan rode Damon fast and hard, enjoying the sensation more than he could describe, until they both felt it. The contracting. They both gasped and Damon fell on top of him climaxing as it milked him. Stefan whimpered unsure of whether this could mean the spell was still working, but all worry evaporated with a huge climax inside of him and he was reduced to a shivering, moaning mess. Damon exhaled and sagged against him.

Stefan breathed for a few minutes, trying to get his brain working again. He expected gold dust to start leaving them again and he opened his eyes and waited. Absolutely nothing. No invisible predator stalking, no gold dust. Just the two of them together.

Maybe these physiological changes were separate to the spell working now. Maybe this was how his body would always be. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. Damon nuzzled him, humming and placing small kisses at his nape.

"You're so beautiful." He whispered and Stefan smiled peacefully. "Your body is so amazing."

"You don't want me to change back." Stefan said and Damon kissed his skin, scenting him to his shoulder and biting playfully.

It seemed Damon was content at having his body stay the same, but could he live with that?

"I can't stay this way." He said, already feeling guilty and Damon sighed and rubbed his nose into the back of his hair, breathing in his scent.

"Then we'll fix it little blood machine." Damon said simply. "I just want to taste you one last time before you do."

Damon withdrew from inside and pulled Stefan up onto his hands and knees. Stefan moved back, unsure what he was going to do and Damon reached around and squeezed his manhood. He was still semi erect, so Damon's hands on him felt great. He moaned. Damon began to pump him slowly and Stefan hung his head.

"What are you doing?"

"Making you wet." Damon kissed his buttocks and licked there and Stefan felt his knees grow weak at how erotic this was.

Instead of his body milking Damon, Damon was milking him. He felt the fluid begin to collect at his entrance. It felt different from sperm so he knew it wasn't Damon's fluids coming back out. He shivered and opened his mouth moaning as Damon began to lick there again, tickling his skin with the tip of his tongue.

"Oh god, uh…" Stefan struggled and Damon released his erection and held Stefan buttocks apart to get his tongue deeper.

Stefan moaned and grabbed the carpet tight under him as he climaxed across the floor and Damon hummed and enjoyed his fluids. Damon pulled up abruptly and stopped. Stefan panted and looked around at him. Damon's eyes were wide and he looked confused and scared.

"What's wrong?" Stefan panted and Damon looked at him. "Damon?"

It can't be.

What?

There's…you're…

What?

Damon sat back, staring at Stefan's entrance and took a breath.

"You're still pregnant Stefan. I can taste it."