Just so everyone knows, changing a Pokemon's trainer, gender, or coloring does not change the Pokemon itself. Shiny Bulbasaur x Leaf's Charmander, for example, is basically the same pairing as normal Bulbasaur x wild Charmander, so if you ask for one, don't expect me to accept the other anytime soon. Of course, tweaking above details for the pairing's initial story is perfectly fine.

... Maybe I should update the first chapter with that. Hm.

I don't know how I'll ever manage to repeat a chapter as good as yesterday's. But hey, parodying the lovechild of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars comes close, right? :P

To-do list: GracefulShipping, KantoContestShipping, PreciousMetalShipping, Ash'sPikachuxPaul'sElectabuzz, TickleShipping, CemetaryShipping, EphemeralShipping, BayShipping, ShoppingShipping, LazyPervertShipping, LucarioxDelcatty, EgyptianFurShipping, SpecialJewelShipping, ColosseumShipping, NostalgiaShipping, RangerShipping, RepairShipping, IpanemaShipping, SylphShipping, ElegantShipping, NidoranMxNidoranF, StreetShipping, PokeShipping, LuxioMxEspeonF, LightrockShipping, ClapShipping, FireredShipping, GinsuishouShipping, EmpiplupShipping, ContuckyFriedShipping, RafexMay, MahouShipping, LilBlueShipping, BlenderShipping, AuraSightShipping, JackiexRui, JackiexEmok, AccordShipping, PenguinShipping, ChoosenShipping, QuestShipping, TurtwigxCyndaquil, RubusShipping, LunarEclipseShipping, TorterraMxSnorlaxF, Who'sOnTopTonightShipping, IronWillShipping, ActaeonShipping, BluebirdShipping, VandaShipping, RotomxTorchic, RotomxMismagius, SwellowFxBanetteM, EeveeFxPhanpyM, BlazingAuraShipping (RioluMxVulpixF), CosmosShipping (DialgaFxPalkiaM), LegendaryShipping (LugiaMxHo-ohF), CharcoalShipping (ArcanineMxHoundoomF), EmpoleonFxTyphlosionM, Silver'sCrobatxLyra'sCrobat, DarkraixKate, NinetalesF*xGallade*, TwisterShipping (RayquazaF*xSalamenceM*), SilverxHoundoomF, SnappyShipping (PiplupFxTurtwigM)

FranticShipping – Ruby & Sapphire (T)

Ruby had been dreaming about the strange girl on and off for the past few weeks. There was something extremely alluring about her, even though she appeared to be all malnourished from her torment within the darkened cell. Or perhaps it was because of it. He tried not to dwell on that too much, but he did anyway, little pervert that he was.

The last time he'd dream about her, she'd actually looked up and glared in his direction. Almost as if she knew he was there. It was kind of hot, actually.

But that weird Norman person was trying to babble on about something else, so he pushed his perverted thoughts away and tried to listen for once.

Their pursuers caught up to them, of course. No trouble, no hassle, no contest. But he still hated the fact that they were trying to drug him up and prevent him from using magic that he couldn't really do anyway. He knew he'd just end up with a major crash later on. Not that he'd actually tried drugs at home. Of course not. That would just be silly.

"You're really stupid," he managed to slur.

"Stupid?" the Gardevoir hissed angrily, kicking him with a slender leg. Or maybe it was a skirt. As far as he knew, there wasn't a lot of difference there as far as women were concerned. "You're being stereotypical, d'you know that? I'd say that makes me angry, but it's too cliché. So go to sleep and then go to hell. Please. Honestly."

"I didn't mean anything by that," he droned sleepily. "I just meant to say that women of all species are stupid. No harm done."

Gira's face turned a dangerous shade of red.

"Don't kill him yet!" her companion yelled hastily, keeping the chains tight around Zuzu's muzzle and the horses' necks. "The Authoress wants him alive!"

She clenched her fists. "You're. Right. Keba," she forced herself to say through gritted teeth.

"Zuzu," Ruby called out obliviously, "get out of those chains already. You're being dumb."

"Me?" his Pokemon snapped incredulously, struggling against his chains. "Me? I'm just a giant Mudkip with stupid wings! You're the one with the supposed magic, you fool."

"I don't care." He glanced blearily over at Norman, who was slumped against a tree. "Is he dead? He's lucky, he doesn't have to deal on that floating chick that found her way out of the kitchen."

"And look what I brought with me from that kitchen, asshole!" Gira exploded, grabbing a knife out of nowhere and hurling it towards him.

"Who's there?" Keba called out into the woods, completely ignoring the drama around him.

"NOOOOOO!"

Norman inexplicably threw himself into the knife's path, where it sliced through his ribs like a good little knife. He slumped to the ground uselessly, because respawning doesn't work outside of roleplaying games.

"Oh dear," a stranger commented, stepping out of the woods. "I seem to have arrived too late. Well, I guess I'll kill you two anyway."

"Dammit!" Gira snarled, seizing Keba's paw and teleporting the two of them away.

"Hi," Ruby said, smiling at the stranger. "We're okay, thanks. Except for the knife thing, but it didn't stick me." He looked back at Norman. "Oh wait. Damn."

"Ruby," Norman rasped, slumping further down against the cave wall, "I'm going to take a ridiculously long time to finally die off, but I just thought I'd let you know that I used to be a Pokemon trainer, too. And you're the most lovable idiot I've ever seen. Now go off after that hopeless cause I've been leading you towards, yeah?"

And he closed his eyes.

Ruby watched him for a moment, realized he people wouldn't be able to actually help him anymore, and threw his head towards where the sky would be were the cave ceiling not in the way.

"FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU—"

Later, after Zuzu turned Norman's grave into a massive lump of pressurized coal, the stranger who had "saved" them finally spoke up.

"Some people call me handsome," he said in a very angsty tone. "But my actual name is—"

"Looker?" Ruby asked.

Zuzu facefaulted.

"Red," Red said tensely. "I'm the tall, dark and handsome one with a mysterious past that I can't believe I just mentioned, so if you bug me too much I reserve the right to skewer you on my overly-described sword."

"Hey, I have an overly-described sword too!" Ruby said excitedly. "Let's see whose is the most awesome."

Red shrugged. "Whatever."

After ignoring several long, boring paragraphs concerning the length, shape, color, balance, hilt, blade, and pummel of each sword, Red and Ruby realized they'd accidentally skipped over the actual sparring and found themselves sitting on the ground, facing each other and panting hard.

"I think," Red managed to say once he'd gotten enough breath back, "that either being a Pokemon trainer can somehow replace years and years of fencing experience, or you're the biggest Gary Stu I've ever seen."

"But his name's Gary Oak," Ruby corrected, and then wondered why Red was smacking himself on the forehead.

They journeyed across the land for an inordinately long amount of time, heading towards an unfriendly military stronghold for no reason in particular. Ruby and Red sparred some more on the way, possibly because Freud was right and a sword is never just a sword, and Zuzu kept flapping around, feeling utterly useless because there was no way even a giant winged Mudkip could hope to carry around two teenagers and two horses all at once.

Ruby dreamed more about the mysterious girl. She appeared to be bleeding several times, or bruised, or worse yet, badly groomed. Yet she always managed to glare at something. He liked the way she still looked proud even after all the presumed torture. It was pretty hot, and the torture stuff made it all deliciously kinky. Zuzu, who could read his trainer's thoughts, mocked the boy relentlessly for it, snickering whenever he found him dwelling on the matter.

At long last, the group managed to arrive on the outskirts of the stronghold. Unfortunately, a group of dark Pokemon ambushed them the next day, possibly because a plot is a plot and something needs to happen.

"Dammit!" Ruby shouted before one of them knocked him over the head, making him black out uselessly.

When he awoke, he noticed he was lying in a cell. After spending several pages taking in his surroundings, the cell door clanged open and an evil redhead strolled inside.

"Who are you?" Ruby asked dully.

"Your worst nightmare," the evil redhead replied evilly.

"A Shade?" he gasped, shifting moods as the drama demanded.

"Of course not." The evil redhead suddenly leapt about the room, bouncing off the walls and ceiling rapidly before landing in his original position. "I am … a ninja!"

"OH NOES!" Ruby screamed.

"Oh yes," the evil redhead laughed evilly. "A ninja. Because you see, years of hard work really will make you more powerful than randomly becoming the last Pokemon trainer. What is your name, by the way?"

"Ruby," Ruby whimpered.

"No, your other, more powerful name!"

"… Brendan?" Ruby tried.

The evil redhead facepalmed. "You know what, never mind, this isn't worth it. We put you on drugs again, by the way. We know you're useless with magic, but I really needed an excuse to piss you off, so have fun with that." And he turned and left, cackling evilly to himself.

"YOU FIEND!" bellowed Ruby.

He sulked for a while after that, and afterwards, when he decided that he wasn't getting anything done and needed to find a way out of that place, the strain of too much thinking proved to be extremely tiring, and he blacked out again.

When he awoke, he realized that he could use magic again. "Oh yays!" he squealed, and promptly decided to take his sweet time at opening the cell door instead of blasting it open, because he didn't think to sense whether there were guards outside the cell.

There were guards there, actually, until Red swooped in out of nowhere and killed them to the brink of deadest deadness. "You useless twit," he muttered casually.

"Thanks!" Ruby cheered, and promptly ran through the jail, magically throwing open doors. "Hey, you know, this is a jail!"

"No duh, Sherlock."

Then he reached the cell he'd been looking for.

The girl was beautiful, dressed in a lovely greenish-brown tunic and pants that flaunted all of her womanly charms. Her brown hair glinted in the moonlight. She was even more beautiful than Zuzu, and he was the prettiest Mudkip in the history of all Mudkip!

"You know," Ruby drooled, "if you washed all that dirt off, I would totally tap you."

There was indeed dirt streaked all over her face, but nothing nearly as dirty as the glare she was shooting at him. Naturally, she fainted half a second later.

"You smell like a forest," Ruby told her anyway, dragging her along after them. "And there's a leafy bra under your shirt. So it's obvious that you must be … an ELF!"

Red facepalmed.

"Where do you think you're running off to?" the evil redhead asked evilly, dropping down from the ceiling to land in front of them. "Attempting to ruin the world with your Gary Stu abilities? The Authoress is desperate to have you neutralized. Come with us, and I promise not to rip your head off."

"His name is Gary Oak!" Ruby shouted, while everyone else sweatdropped. "And Pokemon trainers have one thing ninjas don't!"

"Oh really? What is it, then?"

At that moment, something crashed through the ceiling.

"Pokemon!" Ruby exclaimed, making the evil redhead facefault. "Take us out of here, Zuzu!"

"What, no comment about how I evolved?" the giant flying Marshtomp said sulkily, but nevertheless scooped them up and carried them away, much to the evil redhead's chagrin.

"You see, going through the treacherous desert that no one in living memory has ever survived navigating is the perfect way to escape the Authoress!" Ruby said, grinning stupidly.

Red didn't even try to point out the obvious flaws in the plan.

They spurred their horses on over the course of the next couple of days, covering an inordinately large stretch of land, because obviously horses are like cars and can easily travel forty miles per hour. Of course, the fact that they were traveling through a desert might have had something to do with it, considering that they were fire-types, but the logical problem of exertion was simply overlooked altogether.

"Yays!" Ruby squealed on the third day, when they at last saw mountains so ridiculously tall that they had banished the laws of physics to some dank room, where they cried quietly in the corner. "See the mountains, Red? We'll make it to the rebellion in no time at this rate!"

"I don't care about your bloody rebellion," the other growled, but since there was nowhere else to go, he mainly tried to pretend he was the one in charge.

Later that evening, when they decided to make camp and show the horses a bit of mercy by letting them sleep, it dawned on Ruby that people normally didn't sleep as long as the girl was. Usually they either woke up or died. This being a quasi-medieval setting, the possibility of a coma didn't even occur to him. He decided to look into her mind and see what the problem was, because partially decent doctoring was one of his Gary Stu abilities.

Her mind seized his the second he made contact, leaving him squeaking in mental pain.

So you're the one, she muttered.

The one for you, I hope.

Shut the hell up, trainer.

Anything for you, my dearest elf.

Um, what? I'm not an elf, moron. Did you even look at my ears?

I've looked at all of you. You're the hottest elf I ever saw, and I've seen one, and she's you, so I know.

…

Who are you?

… Sapphire. And should I call you Pervert?

Does pervert mean boyfriend?

N— actually, considering some romances, sure it does.

Then yes, I am Ruby the proud pervert. We're searching for the rebellion.

Probably the only smart thing you've ever done.

Glad you approve!

Ugh. Look, when you come to the mountains, take a left at the valley, then right at the bigger mountain you see, then straight towards a lake thingy. Piece of cake.

I like cake.

Good for you.

Did that evil redhead hurt you?

The ninja, Maxie? Of course he did. Duh. He wanted to get key information from me in order to help crush the rebellion in the name of the Authoress and wipe out all opposing Gary Stus.

He's Gary Oak!

She ignored him. He thinks they're bloody annoying. Can't say I blame him, actually.

Then … why didn't you just tell him what he wanted?

Sapphire was quiet for a moment, considering the question. At last she said, I guess it's because the world's just not right without any heroes, even though you're a complete idiot.

Thanks!

No problem. Now hurry up and get to the rebellion.

Sure, but can I grope you first?

The mental equivalent of bared nails was brandished at him. If you want your ass kicked into the next century when I wake up, then sure, go right ahead.

Thanks! He broke the connection, ready for more misadventures.

Within her own mind, Sapphire sighed to herself. Stupid hero, now he's got me blushing.