She took her time, carefully drying her hair.
The shower had been longer than usual, the cool water a relief on her heated skin.
It had happened slowly over the course of the day and finally she had given in to the call of cooling off in the shower.
Kurama was still in the room with Chancer by himself.
After what had occurred with Yusuke she had almost wanted to not let the fox demon be alone with the kid. There was a new, almost alarming hardness in Kurama's eyes that unnerved her a little.
She was well aware of the energy in the other room, or more accurately the presence.
She was also well aware of the fact that she was stalling, avoiding what she saw as the worst of having everything in the open.
His pain.
She did not want to see it, acknowledge it as a real thing. In some ways she was afraid of it which only served to annoy her.
The other boys, Botan, Keiko, Yukina as much as she loved them they had their own lives to lead. She existed on the outskirts of their lives and that was how it should be. She enjoyed their company, was a part of their trials and happiness but in essence they lived without her constant influence.
He was the only one who enjoyed the unique position of being a constant influence on her life. For all the separation of their lives when they were apart there was no denying that connection that made that time seem trivial.
It was a necessary evil to be endured and then forgotten the moment they were reunited. Before she had realized it she had included him in a part of herself that she had never given to anyone. When he was gone it felt as if she were truly missing that part, that she was no longer a singular entity.
That made his agony that much more intimidating.
Unfortunately she could not help her natural inclinations towards treating anything that caused that feeling as a threat.
It made her tense, reactionary though that was not how she wanted to be.
It would be easier if she could control that, if she could see this as just another moment for her to be the person others came to with their pain. If she could find comfort in that small amount of separation that was normal in those situations.
With him there was not that sense of being distant from it.
In a way, even standing there, even with having come to terms with it herself that dark emotion licked and tugged at her internally as if it were her own.
She put down the brush she had been running through her hair, steeled herself and left the bathroom.
The dying light of the sun cast dark shadows in the room which she figured had felt perfect to him.
She did not bother looking towards the bed, instead her eyes automatically sought out the places he could perch that were as far away from the bathroom as he could find.
She located him on the top of a tall single drawer dresser in the far corner of the room. He did not so much perch as possess that particular space.
For a moment she was reminded of horror films. The ones that depicted demons as malevolent stalkers that occupied only those places that would terrify someone the most if they were noticed. The way that he had settled created the impression of just that.
He was sitting forward, one leg cocked to act as a rest for the arm he had draped across it. The other leg braced on one of the drawers as if at any moment he would launch himself from where he was.
It did not help her nerves that she could feel his energies growing and receding, making the room itself feel it were taking breaths.
She realized suddenly that she had no idea how to deal with this situation with him. It was not just new it was a complete unknown. As far as she knew the closest Hiei had ever come to something like this had been when Sensui had killed Yusuke.
And Yusuke came back before he could be done being pissed about it...
She stopped pacing as Kurama appeared at the doorway of the main room with Chancer. The oven mitt Shizuru had removed earlier had been replaced but she was more disturbed by the look on the red head's face.
She had no idea why but she had become antsy suddenly, unable to sit still hence the pacing Kurama's sudden appearance had halted.
The others stood or turned towards Kurama.
"We should all leave until Shizuru has Hiei in hand." Kurama insisted glancing back down the hallway.
"Huh? What for?" Kuwabara asked confused.
"Oh...OH." Botan exclaimed putting a hand to her mouth, "I didn't even think of that."
"What the hell are you talking about?" She demanded annoyed with all of them.
"There is no physical danger I assure you." Kurama answered, one of his hands resting on Chancer's shoulder, "But at this time Hiei is not in control of his energies. I'm sure you've noticed a...change in this house. An agitation that you do not understand."
She could only nod, it felt as if her skin were attempting to crawl off of her. She wanted to hit something to reduce the pressure of it.
"You're saying Hiei is making us feel like pounding on someone?" Urameshi ventured dubiously, "Since when can he do that?"
"It is not a feature unique to Hiei, Yusuke." Kurama stated firmly, "It is something that can happen to any demon when the right circumstances present themselves. Spirits alone can create uncomfortable sensations in the structures they haunt, cause emotions to influence the living. Energy in any form can do these things. Hiei simply happens to be a very powerful demon and unfortunately a young one."
"So he's shoving all his bad at everyone...in a place where pretty much everyone has bad tempers and guns." Urameshi muttered glancing at her, "Narumi...you probably want to send everyone home for the night."
She sighed heavily, "Why the hell do I put up with you people? You're making my life way too complicated."
"You get use to it after some time in their company." Botan remarked in sympathy.
"Store...go tell the others to jet for the night." She ordered rubbing a hand across her face.
"What about..." Store began to argue.
"Hiei isn't going to hurt my sis." Kuwabara declared, "He'd leave before he even came close."
She might have made a smart ass remark considering the amount of absolute certainty in the young man's statement but she could not help but agree.
"Alright let's empty this place." She insisted making a shooing gesture with her hands, "Got a place in mind Kurama?"
"For this one?" Kurama inquired looking down at Chancer, "Shizuru's is adequate for now."
She moved to join Kurama at the doorway.
Suddenly she wanted, needed to get out of this house.
That feeling was growing, almost a living thing that felt like it was stalking them as they walked through it to the outside. Every corner making her nerves sing, every closed-door an ominous threat.
Damn demons...
Damn demons...
She could not really believe he was doing this.
That he was just sitting there, saying nothing at all to her.
She had seen him react to her entering the room, noticed the small shift of his body so it was not as if he was unaware of her.
She stepped closer to the dresser a wisp of anger traveling through her.
Nothing.
Not even a shift of attention.
He was not even looking at her.
The anger began to swell, churning with the annoyances and stresses of the day itself.
"Bad day at work?" She asked letting the irritation color her voice.
"Hn."
She felt her eyes narrow, clamping down hard on the rush of frustration.
"Mukuro still breathing?" She threw at him.
A quick glance, that was all she received from him.
"Possibly."
Fine...you want to play this game let's play...
As much as she had wanted to stay calm and understanding with him it was an impossibility. He was acting...not like she had expected him to and she had never been a completely patient person.
Not when it came to someone whose reactions before had been predictable.
Not when he was purposefully being evasive.
Not when he couldn't even look at her for longer than a second.
And most definitely not when his energies were attempting to invade her like they were, pushing at her to leave the room. Screaming at her to not cross the invisible line it had drawn in the emptiness between them.
"You left the Human World." She pointed out, "You said you wouldn't do that."
Another glance but nothing else.
An increase in the pressure around her caused the anger and frustration to flare inside.
"I'm going to die." She stated firmly.
A twitch that could have very easily been seen as a flinch, but those eyes did not come back to her.
"I'm going to die and when I do that's it. No fluffy clouds for me. I'm going to die and then poof...no more me."
Cruel.
It was cruel for her to say it so casually, with so much animosity behind the words, so much more resentment then he truly deserved.
It was cruel but it felt as if she had no control over it, no way of stopping the words that forced themselves from her lips.
Those dark energies that pervaded the space seemed to coil, grow larger as she spoke.
She felt her insides tightening along with them.
"You can't avoid it Hiei." She insisted harshly, "You can't make it go away. You won't get any more time with me. I won't exist. I won't be in..."
"Stop."
Did hate have a voice?
If it did it would sound exactly as Hiei did speaking that single word.
He was looking at her finally, his crimson eyes shadowed by the lack of light but she could feel them like a physical blow.
"I won't be in Spirit World." She continued meeting his anger with all of her own, "Not you or Kurama or Yusuke or Koenma can do a damn thing about it. I..."
She had forgotten of course, it was an easy thing to do when he was always so careful when touching her, so aware of his own strength.
She had forgotten that within his compact frame was a capability that could destroy boulders with a single strike.
She had forgotten his speed that he was always so painstakingly in control of along with that strength.
She was abruptly made aware of those things in the next second.
Suddenly she was no longer standing in front of the dresser looking up at him. She was being pressed against the headboard of the bed, Hiei's hand clamped tightly across her mouth. Her body had not even had time to register that she had been moved at all.
His face was inches from her's, those dark emotions she had known were there screaming at her even through his tightened expression.
Yes he was a demon.
Good for him.
She was still angry.
"Be...silent." Hiei hissed at her though it was marred by a strange hoarseness.
She glared at him, refusing to attempt to pry his hand away from her mouth.
"I...know these...things." He continued, pausing between the words as if he was gathering his strength to utter each one.
His eyes did not remain locked with her's, they roamed her face carefully.
Slowly she felt the pressure behind his hand over her mouth decrease. She carefully pushed herself into more of a sitting position as his hand moved only to gently caress her cheek.
It felt as if he were attempting to memorize her features or that he could not, even with the anger that had been in his voice, quite bring himself to continuously meet her eyes.
"Hiei..." She began uncertainly.
She could feel the light caress shake at the sound of her voice.
She did not expect the movement that brought his lips against her's, or her own reaction which was to soften under the hesitant, delicate kiss. He had never touched her in that way before, never been this cautious or this uncertain.
Her anger cooled immediately and she brought a hand up to touch his face.
Hiei paused, his breath catching in an odd way before he kissed her again this time with less delicacy.
She gave in easily enough, responding to the ever-increasing press of his lips.
That was until she became aware of the energies still milling around her, the growing intensity building between them that in no way brought to mind anything carnal.
There was only the grief, the wafting crowd of sorrow and need.
She tried to pull back from him, to lighten that heavy quality to his presence by decreasing their physical contact but he resisted. The feel of his hands on her cheek and shoulder became more firm, his fingers curling slightly creating an uncomfortable pressure on her skin.
She yanked herself back, shoving at him with more force, "Hiei, stop it!"
He allowed the space between them, his breathing hard as he glared at her.
Somehow she knew it was not exactly anger behind those narrowed eyes, it was something more, something that he was almost at the mercy of.
"What..." She began reaching for him again.
He shied away from her touch, not fully but enough for her to frown.
"I...came here." He said gruffly, his eyes lowering, "You were not there. Here is worse."
He was settling back, pulling away from her.
He did not often resort to the extremely cryptic, it spoke of his state of mind. How little he was in control of his emotions. Angry he was very expressive but this again was a new experience for both of them.
She shifted so that she could see his face more clearly but he turned his head taking advantage of the shadows in the room to hide.
"It isn't fair...right?" She offered quietly.
His head tilted slightly, at least he was listening even if he was being so unpredictable.
She let her eyes wander to the other side of the room, "I'm..."
"Do not apologize," He snapped without turning towards her, "I regret nothing."
She crossed one of her arms over herself.
She had been about to apologize because in the end everything he was going through was her fault. He should not have to deal with any of it.
She should have left him alone, let him find someone, anyone that could have given him a longer association. Someone who could have the freedom to be with him in any world he chose to occupy. Someone he could have spent his lifetime with instead of having her's to settle for.
If you were not responsible I could almost pity you.
She flinched internally, uncertain why the phantom voice was so loud in that moment.
"I did not...think of an...ending." Hiei stated, his voice tight, "That was my mistake..."
Her eyes centered on him as he brought a hand up to his face, the darkening shadows making it impossible for her to see him clearly.
There it was again, that catch in his voice that she normally would have associated with...
There's no way. He doesn't do that...he wouldn't...
She did not like how they had gone from so close it was painful to so separated it was impossible for it not to be.
She reached out and this time grabbed a hold of his arm, "Talk to me damn it."
"You have no idea what you're asking of me." He responded heatedly.
"I'm asking you to look at me." She repeated tightening her grip, "I'm asking you to stop glaring at that damn wall and..."
He twisted suddenly, that speed coming into play so that he was abruptly inches away from her face.
She could see it, feel it in the air around the both of them like an impending tsunami.
His face with tight with agony, his eyes narrowed with its intensity.
"It is worse...here...with you." He growled, "and I...there is no...other place I want to be. You are not dying!"
His sudden changes in control were a bit disturbing, this last actually had caused her heart to race a little even as it was squeezing painfully with his words.
She was not all that sure what she was supposed to say to that statement so she simply kept her eyes locked with his as his energies fought around them.
His jaw rippled as he clenched it, swallowing hard. This close she could not help but notice how flushed he was.
There's no way...
She had imagined what it might feel like to find out he had died during any of the times he went back to Demon World. If at some point one of Mukuro's soldiers appeared with a message ball holding that bit of information.
Her reaction to that thought had almost overwhelmed her at the time.
It had almost caused her to reconsider her relationship with the fire demon as well.
The bottomless pit that had seemed to open up inside of her at the mere thought of anything close to his death had been a frightening experience.
She had never thought in a million years anyone would mean that much to her, that she would feel so destroyed by just a passing thought.
If she were honest she had known that was how she felt about him.
She had never considered that he would feel that deeply for her.
That he loved her was never in question, but she had never thought it would cause him real devastation to lose her.
He was a demon, a creäture with a very long lifespan after all, losing her could not possibly have that same effect on him.
Could it?
"It's okay," She tried to reassure him, "Really..."
"This..." He growled huskily gesturing at his own chest, "this is not okay. This is not death. This is...unbearable. It's trapped..."
His face tensed causing his eyes to narrow more.
It was like watching someone going through slow torture.
Why didn't he just let it out?
Was it really that awful to show her that kind of thing?
Now that she could truly see the pain, the form it took on his features she could not help but wonder those things.
Then another thought crossed her mind, one she had never considered.
"Hiei...have you ever cried...before?" She ventured uncertainly bringing a hand up to caress his face.
He was so much warmer than usual...
He stared at her through narrowed eyes.
Had he ever cried?
What type of question was that for her to ask him in this moment?
The agony was churning inside of him, ripping and clawing, attempting to break his will as it had in those hours in the cave.
He did not clearly recall the entire time he remained there.
He only remembered the pain.
That no matter how hard he attempted to control those overpowering emotions they had only become blinding in their murderous intentions.
That at some point he had convinced himself the only easing to be had might be in her presence.
He had been both correct and woefully incorrect.
Her scent alone was driving him to further depths of torture as he wondered if that would fade in his memory...after.
His mind was a chaotic storm, from one moment to the next swaying into dangerous territories he did not wish for her to see.
Every time he touched her he cringed inwardly knowing he should not be responding as a demon with her, knowing it was not the manner in which he should act.
Yet he could not seem to stop himself.
And now that he was near her, breathing in her scent he could not bring himself to leave.
The internal pressure that would not leave him was slowly destroying his sanity, he was sure of it.
What did that have to do with the act of crying?
As if he had ever had need or want to express such a thing.
She was being cruel.
Her touch too soft.
Her tone much too gentled with compassion.
It ate away at what little control he had, caused that agony to swell and choke his words.
If she would only return to her anger, allow that resentment he had heard earlier in her tone color her reactions he might find some way to control this aching horror inside.
"Can you?" She asked in that kind manner that made it so difficult to speak.
He could only meet her eyes, breathing was difficult enough alone.
"Hiei..." She prompted sliding her cool hand over his heated skin.
He turned into the sensation, attempting to allow it to soothe him.
He wanted desperately for it to do exactly that, that it would not stir the tempest further.
"I have no need." He insisted once he could talk past the stone in his throat.
It returned as quickly as it had lessened as she drew him slowly forward to press her forehead against his.
To not have this again.
To not be aware of the delicate play of her spiritual energies.
To erase her as if she had never existed.
It came again, that flood of darkened madness that forced him to close his eyes.
He tried and failed to contain the small sound that strained its way from his tightened throat.
He felt her other hand come to rest on the back of his neck, her caress slow and calming.
"It would make sense I guess." She said as if that embarrassing sound had never come, "Those women cry gems right? And you're not exactly a regular fire demon. If you think about it, it isn't that much of a stretch for you not to be able to do that at all."
Even if he was inclined to agree with her he still had no clue why she was pursuing this line of thought.
Never and Forever.
Humans took these concepts for granted, tossed them around flippantly as if they had any true sense of the words.
As if they were demons who did consider those words as real time frames, concepts that truly did serve their own function.
Why could he not bury this knowledge as he had every other unpleasant one?
Why did it remain so searing in his mind?
Why did her presence both ease its intensity and punish him with renewed strength?
There had to be some way to escape it.
Some way to lessen its hold on him.
"Give it to me."
His eyes flew open and he pulled back enough to meet her eyes.
What he saw there only tightened the agony.
She smiled gently, "You can't keep it in like that Hiei. It has to come out somehow and if you can't do it the regular way then...give it to me."
Was she insane?!
He could not stand what twisted and churned inside of himself, was of the mind that any severe injury was better than enduring this. That he would rather go through an excruciating healing session with Kurama then be subjected to this agony.
And she wanted him to subject her to its force?
"You're mad." He hissed almost resentful that she would imagine he could do such a thing.
Her expression hardened slightly, "You can do it. We both know you can."
Yes, in theory he could, through the Jagan funnel his emotion into another. It was no more difficult than entering another mind.
The question remained why would he do so?
Why would he purposefully cause her this agony?
"It'll stay like it is." She insisted, sounding distinctly like the voice of doom, "This is all you're going to be able to think about. It's just going to sit there messing you up. Its going to stay there, seem like it doesn't hurt so much and then wham you'll be cornered again wishing it would just kill you. And it'll happen over and over. It'll feel like a train running you over all the time."
"No." He growled, scowling at her.
As unnerving as her words were he would not do what she wished.
He would not hurt her to ease his own pain.
"You're so damn selfish." She growled back at him.
Surprise flooded him causing him to pull back further and stare at her incredulous.
"You're already sharing it with everybody you jerk." She continued angrily, "You're all over the place. You've even chased everyone out of the house because you're so damn wrapped up in what you're feeling."
Shocked he turned his head towards the door, allowing his senses to search the immediate area for the familiar presence of the others.
They had been there only a moment ago.
The brighter flares of Yusuke and Kuwabara, the softer sense of Kurama and the humans that inhabited this dwelling.
Now there was nothing, a disconcerting absence he had not been paying any attention to.
It was disturbing to realize he had been so wrapped up in his inner torment that he had been so lax in his surroundings. That he had paid so little attention to his own energies that others had fled to be away from them.
"I have to fight tomorrow." She informed him bringing his focus abruptly back to her, "Something could happen..."
It was not something he meant to allow, that deep, murderous rumble that vibrated from his chest at the mere mention of dire threat to her life.
Did she have to speak it so casually?
As if it did not make those phantom knives and claws inside of him rip more viciously?
"...and if it does, that's it." She went on, callously pursuing the subject, "I want to know Hiei. I want you to show me what it's going to do to you when I die."
"Why?" He demanded darkly, "You should know..."
"You can't tell me this and you know what? You're going to do it." She insisted, "You're going to be with me right here. You're going to do what you always do and make everything else not matter. You're going to do that because you owe me, because you want me to know I matter that much to you."
"I don't owe you pain!" He snarled.
Now it was her eyes that hardened, "Yes you do! You owe me what I won't ever get another chance to know Hiei!"
"I believe the end result is to cause her soul to only have a present time frame."
Did she understand what she was asking of him?
Did she grasp she was forcing him into being a part of the destruction of her future?
That if he allowed the things bent on the eventual evisceration of his core to become a part of her as well that he would have a hand in that end result Kurama had spoken of?
"...if she asks for something of you it's something that's required."
But this?
She was correct of course, she would never know what transpired after her passing.
She would never see those things that occurred, would never know what her absence would create for him.
Here in this moment he could show her, he could pour everything that pounded and thrashed inside of him into her.
Into this ethereal, breakable creäture he was uncertain anymore he could breathe correctly without.
But perhaps it was a need of her's as well, a way to confirm she existed even if that existence was proven in his torments.
Could he deny her that?
He nodded in agreement because he did not trust his voice in this moment to make it past what was lodged in his throat.
Shizuru settled back against the headboard as he removed the band covering the Jagan.
It was difficult to move, to force his body to cup her face with his hands, to open the Jagan with the full intention of doing harm to her.
It was not painful to the other person for him to engage with their mind. With most they did not even perceive that it had been accomplished but she was not most.
A small gasp escaped her as he came up against her natural shield against what he was attempting.
He met her eyes.
She only stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to do as she wanted.
Emotions by nature were the first thing anyone psychically predisposed would find when entering another mind.
Because it was emotion and not some deeper aspect to be shared, as a memory would have been, he only had to concentrate on what seethed inside of him to begin the process.
Her hands were resting on his chest, a firm reminder of what was physical and what was not.
At first her shield prevented anything more than the lightest of touches, only enough for her to be brushed with a taste of his energies.
Her brow began to furrow and then he felt that resistance give way as if it were only fog being cleared from his path.
Her eyes widened as he gave himself over to the agonizing, darkness lurking behind his light touch, and as it had been with touching her he had to force the action.
He clenched his jaw as she gasped again, determined now to see this through to what ever end result there would be.
A tiny, half moan of distress escaped him as he felt her emotions surge with his.
He despised it, that savage compassion that existed within her, that seemed to surround what poured from him and accept it willingly.
Her expression changed, tightening as tears began to form in her eyes.
This reaction that she had seemed so desperate to hide from him before, offered as sacrifice to express his internal suffering.
Realizing that caused the brutal gnawing, ripping emotions to swell becoming a torrent he no longer had any semblance of control over.
He was lost to it, caught up in the surges of torment and grief.
He could feel her hands fisting against his chest.
Hear her stuttering sobs.
See those crystalline tears cascade down her face in rivulets that seemed unending.
But he was trapped, just as he had been in that cave.
Locked into the horror, the sorrow, the things he could not exorcise alone.
He could hear them again.
Those humiliating, choked noises from before that he could not control.
At some point he moved one of his hands to brace himself against the wall behind her, unable to fully support his weight under that continuous tide.
NO! You weren't suppose to do this! You weren't suppose to let this happen! Damn you, Hiei!
It swam within the storm, her voice almost panicked.
He could sense her attempting to withdraw, responded by increasing his presence within her mind.
He could feel her want to deny, to insist the emotions that passed between them were not as consuming in intensity for him as they were for her.
Annoyance filtered through him.
Now that he was committed to this, held in its insidious arms, he would not let her turn from it.
She would know it all.
Not as a human would with their ill-defined concepts but as a demon would, as he did.
She would know and understand the depths of his anticipated loss.
She would grasp those things he could never express with words that never seemed adequate.
You will know this, Shizuru.
Topaz eyes, flooded with the signs of chaotic distress, widened as he spoke to her.
It is yours alone...there is no other who will touch me in this manner again.
It was said with absolute certainty, a promise that would never be broken.
It did not matter to him, the amount of time that would stretch beyond her passing.
He would not allow another into this sacred place they shared, and now he was aware that she held him in the same regard.
That if he had passed before her there would have been no one to slip into the secret spaces that he had somehow taken up residence in despite her reservations and fears.
He knew this because even in her panic she had revealed it to him, offering it to him so that there was some type of exchange.
Again the agony flared, only this time there was a strange lessening to it, a change in its heaviness that he could not explain.
Shizuru suddenly yanked him forward, causing him to lose his balance.
He did not care in the least.
Her lips were against his and he was caught up in a wave of need that swept through them both.
The sorrow still flowed between them but it had been tempered somehow.
Made into a part of them both instead of bent on his singular destruction.
He willingly lost himself to her wants.
This was all that could matter.
Her taste that flooded his mouth.
Her smell that filled his senses.
Her presence that for the moment was still joined with his.
Tomorrow would care for itself.
This was actually kinda stressful to write. Please Review XD