Janet sits on her couch, endlessly flipping through the channels on her television, skipping any program that might bring further tears. It was only noon, and she was exhausted, her eyes tight. She tosses the remote to her side when she hears another knock at her front door. Shuffling across the floor, she opens the door. She doesn't bother hiding her surprise when she finds Nick Garrett standing on her porch.
"Hey Nick." She wraps her grandfathers' oversized cardigan tighter around her frame, hoping Nick doesn't notice she's braless under her thin t-shirt. "Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, sorry to just come over without calling. Can I come in for a second?"
"Sure." Janet opens the door, letting Nick in. She wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater as she closes the door. She tries a weak smile as she turns around.
Nick immediately smells the vanilla and cinnamon. "Baking?" he asks, taking off his coat and draping it over the back of a chair.
"Yeah, I do that when I need to think, or not think, you know? Can I get you something? I just made some coffee."
"No, I'm good."
"Pie? I made apple." She pauses, before adding, "For Eddie. It's his favorite."
"No, thanks. Hey Janet, sit with me for a minute?"
"Ok" Janet sits down on the opposite side of the couch from Nick. Nervous, she fiddles with the buttons on her sweater.
"I know I might be out of place here, I barely know you, I mean you're dating my best friend, you're Hannah's best friend..." Nick pauses before continuing. "I really like you Janet."
"Uh Nick?" Janet raises an eyebrow at him.
He starts laughing. "Sorry, that kind of came out wrong, huh?"
She laughs too. "A little."
"Janet, I just came by to see if you're ok, I mean, all things considered. I know you must be keeping a lot of stuff bottled up in there, and if you want or need to talk to someone, I'm a pretty good listener."
Janet blinks back tears as she looks at him. Nick continues.
"Eddie really wants you to talk to him, so does Hannah, but they don't get it do they?"
She shakes her head, tears falling from her eyes.
"I know." Nick says, reaching over to touch her hand. "I know." He thinks for a second before speaking, "You know, Eddie's had a lot of shit happen to him, both his parents baled on him..."
"But, Nick, he can...oh God...I can't"
"You can. Tell me..."
"They are still alive, he can go see them and touch them and hug them. I mean maybe it would hurt, or they would reject him again, but he can go."
"I know."
"He would be so mad if I said that to him." she whispers, shame lacing her words.
"Maybe, maybe not. I think Eddie's parents are dead to him, but I think he knows mentioning that would piss you off."
"It wouldn't."
"No? Really? It would piss me off."
"Maybe, I don't know..."
"And Hannah's parents are still very much alive, and in her life, right?"
She nods, tears falling freely.
"Look, when my mom died Janet, I thought I would die too. The world just made no sense. It was cruel, heartless. My mother was my world and she died. I had to get the fuck out of here, and run as far away as I could. I tried to come back, to Hannah, Eddie, to the Ridge, but I just couldn't. My mother was everywhere, in that house, all over town."
"I get it Nick, I didn't at first, but I do now."
"But it wasn't the right thing to do. Look at what I left." Nick runs his hands through his hair. "I missed out on knowing my son for ten years of his life, more if you count how long it took Hannah to tell me Sam was mine, even though I knew. I can never get those years back."
"Nick, I am not going to run. Is that what Eddie thinks?" Janet's voice is barely audible, her face white, full of fear.
"No, not at all. But you have to try and let him in. He's confused, he wants to be there for you and he knows you are pushing him away. He doesn't understand."
"I'm not though."
"Aren't you? You aren't talking to him, you are avoiding anything resembling talking."
Janet looks at Nick as her jaw drops. She assumes Eddie and Nick trade sexual escapade stories, but never expected to have it thrown back in her face. "He told you about last night?"
"Nothing too descriptive, Eddie's a gentleman. But, he told me enough."
"I don't know Nick, there's so much stuff going on in my head. What if he hates me after I talk to him? What if he leaves me?"
"He won't."
"He might."
"No, he won't. I have known Eddie Latekka forever, practically my whole life, and I can say without a doubt, he will not walk away from you."
"He doesn't have a reason to stay...especially if I push him."
"Yeah he does. He has two reasons. You and Maddie."
"But what if that's not enough. What if I tell him the truth, all the terrible things in my head and he hates me?"
"He won't hate you. Janet, the truth hurts sometimes. Look how far you and Eddie have come. You told him the truth that day in the hospital about Rooster. You didn' t lie, and you could have. And he didn't leave you"
"He did. "
"But he came back, and he's not going to make that mistake again. Sure he was hurt, that hurt him badly...but he loved you more than that hurt, he came back."
"For Maddie."
"And you, Janet you have to start believing in Eddie Latekka and Janet Meadows. It's there, it's real and he wants to be there for you."
Janet smiles weakly at Nick. "Does Eddie know you are here?"
"No." He shakes his head. "Nope. Look Janet, this isn't going to go away. I wish I could tell you that you just wake up one day and all the hurt is gone. It takes time, lots of time. But letting people in helps."
Janet nods. "Thank you Nick, thanks for coming."
"Anytime. Now, have I earned a piece of pie?"
As Janet is cutting into the still warm pie, the front door opens and Eddie appears in the doorway.
"What are you doing here Nicky?" Eddie drops his keys onto the coffee table along with a stack of mail.
"Eddie. I was just...I just came over..." He stands up from his chair at the kitchen table.
Eddie raises his eyebrows, waiting for an explaination.
"He just came over to see how I was Eddie." Janet sets the knife down on a plate.
"I see."
"Eddie..." Janet starts, walking towards Eddie. She stops in her tracks once she locks eyes with Eddie. She sees nothing but hurt and anger. "Nick, you should go." she says softly, touching his shoulder. "Thank you for coming over."
"Sure thing." Nick puts on his jacket and turns back to Janet. Moving closer, he embraces her. "If you need anything..." he whispers as she nods into his shoulder. "Eddie, I'll catch you tomorrow."
Eddie nods, but doesn't reply. Nick shuts the door behind him.
"Want to tell me what the fuck that was all about?" Eddie crosses his arms.
"Eddie, Nick just came over here to talk to me."
"Yeah, I get it. However, Janet, I would like to know why you can talk to him and not me. I've been trying to get you to talk to me for days."
"I just didn't think..."
"What?" Eddie raises his voice. "You don't think that I would get it? Why not?"
Janet flinches, Eddie hasn't yelled at her since that horrible day in the hospital. She raises her voice to match his. "Eddie. I just don't know how to tell you how I feel."
"Try, Goddamn it, can't you try?"
Janet shakes her head as she looks at Eddie. "You want me to talk? Ok...Why?" She screams. "Why is this happening? Why does everyone I love DIE? Why can't I stop crying? What if I die and leave Maddie alone?" She paces in front of the couch, wildly, tripping over one of Maddie's shoes. She picks up the sneaker and hurls it across the room, knocking a picture off the wall. It crashes to the floor, the glass breaking into tiny shards. She stands in the middle of the room, wailing.
"Janet!" Eddie yells, coming around the couch to her. He catches her hands, clutched into tight fists, right before they strike his chest. He catches her as her knees buckle, and pulls her into his arms as the sobs rack her body.
"Baby, that's it...let it out. " Her crying is manic, her whole body shaking. Eddie smooths her hair and rocks her, silently. "Come on, come lie down." Eddie leads Janet to the bedroom once her tears subside. He guides her to the bed, gently pressing her back into the pillows.
"I can't do it anymore Eddie" Janet says weakly. "I can't get up and act like life is ok. God, I couldn't even take care of Maddie today, I just sent her off to the park with Pizza Girl like I didn't care."
Eddie wants to interject, but keeps his mouth closed. He sits on the edge of the bed, next to Janet.
"Who does that? Who fucking just gives her kid to someone like she's a bother? What kind of mother does that make me?"
Eddie laces his fingers with Janet's. "Baby, Mad's is at the park, no doubt having fun. Would you want her to see you like this?"
Janet shakes her head. "Eddie, when I try to talk to you I guess I don't think you will understand. My heart is so broken. It's like someone has it in their hand, and just when I start to feel ok, they squeeze the shit out of it. It hurts like hell. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to get dressed, I don't want..."
"Janet, you can tell me anything. I know how a broken heart feels. Maybe mine hasn't broken like yours, but it's been broken."
"By me..." Janet trails off, a tear falling out of her eye.
"Maybe, but you fixed it. And I want to fix yours. I know, stupid right?"
Janet shakes her head as Eddie leans in and kisses her forehead, her cheek, her mouth before sitting back upright.
"Janet, do you know what I love most about you? The same exact thing that scares me about you. You are so damn independent. You don't ever let on that you need anyone or anything. You keep people at arms length a little bit, like you are always waiting for the worst. It scares me because I think one day you might realize you don't need me, and that you would be ok without me. I know it's not exactly fair for me to say this to you right now, but I think this time you need to let me make you feel better, and maybe I need that too. So, tell me how, tell me what to do. I will do anything."
She weakly smiles up at him. "Lie down with me Eddie."
Eddie rolls his body over hers, resting on his side and pulls her close to him. "I love you Janet. I don't know as much as Nicky does. I might not know exactly what you are going through, but I want to understand, and you have to try and make me understand. I love when you are happy and laughing, but I need to help you when you are broken and crying. "
Janet moves in closer to Eddie, her face close to his. She touches his face, smiling a little. "Eddie. I do need you. I would never be ok without you."
Eddie kisses Janet, softly, tentatively. She kisses him back, her hands run down his back.
"Eddie, will you make love to me?"
"Janet..." Eddie pulls back to look at her.
"I want to be close to you, smell your skin, feel you inside me. I know I was a little crazy last night."
"Yeah, but crazy in a hot way."
She giggles for the first time that day. " Making love to you would make me feel so good. I love how you make me feel."
Eddie slowly kisses Janet, and waits for her to return his kiss, before kissing deeper. His mouth works slowly down her face, until he nuzzles into her neck. He kisses her earlobes as he drapes her arm over his back, kissing the soft flesh on the underside of her upper arm.
Slowly, tenderly, Janet unbuttons Eddie's flannel shirt, pushing it off his shoulders. She presses soft kisses all over his broad, hairy chest and Eddie reaches for the hem of Janet's t-shirt as she wiggles out of her cardigan. He pulls her shirt over her head as she raises her body slightly to help him. He smiles when he discovers Janet's not wearing a bra, her nipples already hard, pink, begging for his mouth. He kisses the hollow of her neck gently before lowering his mouth to her breasts. His tongue is warm, wet, circling, and her breath becomes ragged. He glides his fingers slowly over the soft skin of her breasts, working lower, over her belly. His fingers circle her belly button, tickling. Janet usually recoils when Eddie touches her stomach, hating his hands feeling her roundness. But today, in the warm afternoon sun, she pushes away her thoughts- the fact that she still thinks he might be disgusted touching her stomach or that she's so different from all the flat bellied women he'd bedded before her. Eddie's fingers were soft and full of sweetness and so today she let him linger there, his eyes full of nothing but pleasure and love.
It became impossible for either of them to look anywhere but at each other. As Eddie stares into her big blue eyes, his strong frame above her, she smiles. He strokes her inner thighs, persuading her to open her legs to him. His hands roam over her soft cotton panties while Janet's hands find the button of his jeans, pulling them open. Eddie stands by the side of the bed in order to remove the remainder of his clothing. Before returning to Janet, he bends and runs his fingers under the waistband of her panties and motions for her to lift up off the bed. Expertly, he strips her, and stretches back over her.
"How do you want to..." He pauses before saying fuck.
Janet holds Eddie's face between her hands. "Please, like this. I want it just like this. I need you on top of me."
Eddie nods, reaching his hand between them to make sure Janet's ready for him.
"Eddie." she says, shaking her head. "I don't need all that, I want your..." she hesitates, gulping. "Put your cock in me, please."
Eddie pauses, trying to recall a time that Janet ever used such a word. "Yeah, you want it in your pussy?"
"Whoa, slow it down."
He stops, eyebrow cocked. "Too much?"
"Yeah."
"OK, so just to clarify, cock is ok, but pussy is not? What about dick?"
"You know Eddie, that isn't exactly turning me on."
Eddie slips his hand between them again, and feels her wetness. "Could have fooled me."
Slowly, Eddie pushes himself into Janet, and feels her wrap her legs and arms around him, taking him deep inside her.
"That's good Eddie." she whispers.
Eddie feels her heat engulf him. She's so wet, he almost slips out of her, but pushes in deeper, bracing himself with his knees on the mattress. Janet trembles as they make love slowly. He kisses her forehead as he places his hand over her heart.
"Let me in Janet, please let me in." Eddie begs.
As she shudders and gasps her orgasm, Janet feels an overwhelming release of tension she didn't realize she was holding back. Eddie stops moving once he realizes tears are once again spilling from Janet's eyes. He puts his hand to her cheek gently and he feels Janet move her legs, gripping him tighter to her.
"Eddie, " she whispers, clutching his hand to her heart, nodding.